Low contact

I had an intense, difficult relationship with my mother as I was growing up. She was widowed, depressed and lonely and had survived a very difficult childhood and life. If therapy had been a thing back then it would have helped both of us.

When in my 30s, I was happily settled 500 miles away with 3 DC, mum came to live with us. It was a mistake because however hard I tried to pretend we had changed and I could now cope with her mood swings I found myself reverting to my teenage anger. I didn't like myself at all.

Luckily we both recognised the mistake and she moved after a few years to her own home 500 miles away and our relationship instantly improved.
We phoned every week and shared holidays She came to stay each summer. Her DGC liked her well enough and she loved them.

My DC and I communicate by text often, phone occasionally and see eachother intermittently, not regularly.

I'm sure my own experience has affected my relationship with them. I want to give them the 'space' I didn't have.

MarieElla

Oh well smileless2012, we all have to take responsibility for our part in a relationship breakdown....

Are you always this nasty?

Oh well smileless2012, we all have to take responsibility for our part in a relationship breakdown....

Has any one has said that once a week is low contact?

Sago I don’t think once a week is low contact for an AC, probably quite healthy.

Seems plenty. People are busy.

And that ample reason can have nothing to do with their parents.

Not sure why my post was deleted!
All I'm trying to say is that sometimes parents don't reflect on their part in these issues and sometimes, they're blameless... but , in my experience, people don't take the decision to cut contact with parents without ample reason.

I think that sums it up rather well Gran22boys .

I’m not estranged but I can see how it happens. A parent often trying to be helpful just says something that is blown up out of all proportion and then the adult child decides low or no contact. It’s ridiculous and not helped by the internet which says things like your friends are your family. The truth is I guess that our children don’t love us that much because of all the mistakes they think we’ve made.

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Allsorts totally agree with your reply to Marie Ella.

My son estranged me via email .

I never said I was being told consistantly I was wrong, it's obviously the amount of grown up children deciding their parents are.
Please don't lecture me on self reflection. Look to yourself first.

If you're consistently being told you're wrong, than some heavy self-reflection and introspection may be necessary.

Marie, my comments were tongue in cheek, I just get so tired if hearing of parents estranged and walking on eggshells.

Allsorts, I agree that people should think very long and carefully before having children but I don't think it's true you will akways be in the wrong.
I think it's important to take responsibility for your part in the estrangement without taking all and ensure your son or daughter understands that none of us are perfect....we all make mistakes as they will or are doing so too now.
However, if a patent has been absuive, thats another case and very difficult to forgive.

Furret, just tell her you need a break from the negativity.

My advice to anyone considering having a child, is don’t, unless you are prepared to accept you will always be in the wrong, a burden, say the wrong thing maybe.So if you must, support and love them until they decide they can manage alone, then you must effectively disappear (unless they need help of course or money) spend everything you have if there's anything left, on your elderly care and all will be well.
If you're recently estranged or out on the back burner, save yourself a lot of anguish and grief, accept this is it and have the best life you can, with people that do care and move on as they say as your worth as a parent has passed. You do not treat anyone, hever mind your parents like that,

This is the second thread about newspaper articles this week. Blaming parents again . Wish they would change the record.

What I found interesting about that article is the fact that due to modern technology, we're expected to be in contact more frequently, due to whatsapp, Facebook, texting etc...so going low contact is more noticeable.
Before all this people phoned maybe once a week, month or whatever and it was fine. You could distance yourself from a family member without it being overly obvious.

OP so why don't you go low contact with your daughter if you feel so battered by the meetings?
Once a week is very frequent for predictable suffering.
Why do it?
Just withdraw.
Maybe be unavailable next week.
Let her know by text.
Then space it out gradually to no more than monthly.
It sounds so resigned and passive to endure these meetings on her terms.

Well is refreshing to see parents, and especially mothers - quelle surprise - are being blamed yet again.
No relationship in life is easy, and I imagine if these selfsame adults were to apply this rule to other people in their lives they would find themselves going no contact with a fair few of them. But parents are easy game. And this trend is not encouraging adults to work at relationships and not just give up, surely there are numerous parents who equally find their adult children infuriating at times. Have read many posts on here from parents and grandparents at their tethers end because an adult child is so
unreasonable and hurtful.
Every relationship works both ways. To insist this is a one way street is as damaging as the relationship the adult child wants to go low contact with.
Of course with abusive narcissistic parents, or those suffering substance abuse, I can understand this.
I wonder if the mother described in the Guardian by her daughter ever got a chance to give her side of things?
Am supposing not.

What a brilliant and understanding article. Such a compelling argument for low contact. And the understanding of the key person being interviewed about why her son has chosen low contact on here - its very, very mature and self aware- recognises how her relationship with her mum has clouded onto the next generation.

My DiL has gone low contact on me, and I understand why - it was the fall out from the time I was splitting up with my then husband who was a coercive abuser. He had fooled her too: he was in the end very abusive to her too, and I am not yet forgiven. I know she feels some guilt, but it comes out in little spikey remarks now and then.

My son is very good at handling it -we have a very good relationship, but I dont "make demands" that an older person might reasonably make (I didnt"Demand" or let myself expect a visit when I was in hospital from them, I was very ill but not in real danger.

What will always complicate the situation is that my second DGD now 11 is very, very disabled, and takes up maybe 50% or even 60% of parental time, and it will get worse when even strong DS can't lift her anymore at home.

What I wish is that she would simply explain why and what it is she wants or doesn't want, but she is not of a self-reflective nature.

But a fierce mother hen: from time to time I get deep depressions where I cant really relate to anyone at all, and the children are only just now becoming old enough to understand a period of 'absence".
But she has been brilliant in those periods of keeping me in their minds with little bits of this or that, as has DS and so mainly I am grateful for what I have unless have just been sniped at.

Thank you Ashcombe. I think there are certainly some positives with low contact as opposed to no contact, not least being that the continued relationship does allow for the possibility of improvement and the relationship between GP's and GC is allowed to continue.

I noted that reasons given for low contact are sometimes the reasons for going no contact.

I read the article too. I found it interesting that someone (I don't remember the details) thought this was a new thing!

Don't the media just like to 'label' things?

Most families I would say operate on this basis from time to time and it is perfectly normal.