Today on BBC - does anyone know the mum?

NoNews

Why is the estranged child's picture in the article, let alone the very first thing that pops up?

I haven't read the article yet but it's clear his autonomy and privacy is not genuinely respected by his mother.

I can't blame him for estranging from a parent like that.

This is an example of perceptions varying.

It is the son who was interviewed and presumably provided the photographs as they are annotated to him.

He has also provided a photograph of his own daughter, although a back view.

The 30-year-old is not alone, and is now a trauma informed coach, with nearly 900,000 followers on TikTok listening to his advice.
I find this disturbing.

I was given a great deal of freedom and responsibility as a child which would nowadays be labelled neglect and I'd have been put into "care". I'm glad I wasn't because my siblings are still very important to me.

My own DC are not as close to eachother as we were which I find sad. Who will they have when I'm gone?

Times have definitely changed but not wholly for the better IMO.

Allira

It will be interesting to see what happens when Ben's children become teenagers then adults.
History often has a tendency to repeat itself.

We can also learn from history and break the cycle as I did.

I hope when his children reach adulthood they have a healthy relationship with their parents.

I hope so too Sago for his and his children's sake.

Lathyrus3

“Only one true way to love and raise them correctly.”

I don’t think that’s so.

Almost everybody raises their children differently in some ways. Almost everybody criticises some aspect of the way other people raise their children.

I seen many families over the years, some parenting practices that I thought were dreadful- because of course they weren’t my practices😬- but the majority of those children have grown up into caring adults who love their families.

There is no perfect parent out there. And you will always have the children who wanted something different from the family life they got.

I think I was able to accept the wanting something different, to travel, to be successful was in me, not the fault of my parents for valuing a quiet family life and providing me with that.

Personally I think those who estrange because their parents didn’t provide what they wanted as children or even as adults, haven’t yet grown up and taken responsibility for their own lives. They are still looking for someone else whose job they think that is.

You are so right.

I look back on both my own upbringing and that of my now AC, no deliberate abuse or neglect, BUT lots of mistakes made and anger and bad behaviour from both parents and children.

I had a good relationship as an adult with both my parents, who clearly loved me even though “mistakes” were definitely made.

I have a good relationship with all my AC, and it’s clear we love and support each other, though growing up I certainly wasn’t a “perfect” Mum.

We are human, we all make mistakes. It’s so sad that some people cannot let go and be a little more tolerant and forgiving.

I’m not in any way condoning physical, sexual or emotional abuse in any sense and none of this occurred during my own children’s upbringing. I was sometimes “hurt” as a child by my Mum, she wasn’t well physically during my early childhood, from about age 6-10 she could be quite violent and once blacked my eye. When older, I did forgive her and we moved forward. At the time I loathed her.

TBH I wish there was more of a focus on acceptance of other's faults, tolerance and understanding. My mother grew up in a family of 11 children with Victorian attitudes and strict discipline, my father grew up in poverty with an alcoholic and frequently absent father. Neither of them were brought up in a house full of kindness or generosity of spirit and my childhood was very far from perfect. I frequently disagreed with them but deep down I knew they were trying to do their best.
I've made lots of mistakes bringing up my own children but I've done my best. We've talked about things that they remember that made them unhappy and I'm very willing to apologise for my errors of judgement but it is really interesting how different their memory of an event can be compared to mine. Some thing I have absolutely no recollection of and tbh I think many of their memories are linked to photographs or a conflation of different events.
No one is perfect, most parents try to do their best, most parents fail on occasion and some parents have had very poor modelling of good parenting from their own parents. I've tried not to make the same mistakes as my parents but I've made others instead!

Sago

Allira

It will be interesting to see what happens when Ben's children become teenagers then adults.
History often has a tendency to repeat itself.

We can also learn from history and break the cycle as I did.

I hope when his children reach adulthood they have a healthy relationship with their parents.

So do I.

We only have Ben's side of the story, of course.
Nicely timed just before Mothering Sunday too.

A book to sell?

I have a good relationship with all my AC, and it’s clear we love and support each other, though growing up I certainly wasn’t a “perfect” Mum.

Ditto, Cossy

We are human, we all make mistakes. It’s so sad that some people cannot let go and be a little more tolerant and forgiving.

Well said.

I can understand someone not forgiving if they were violently abused and definitely not if the abuse was sexual but dealing with difficult teenagers can be very trying, especially for a single mother as Ben's appears to be, and must be hard. We don't all get it right and one family's 'right' could be quite different from another family's way of dealing with problems.

Stellar

If you read the article, you will see that he has become a social media influencer and a 'trauma informed coach'.

I fully agree with you, there can’t possibly be enough parents who were so terrible to go no contact and called toxic.
It’s yet another rubbish SM trend.

Lathyrus3

A book to sell?

Publicity for his Tik Tok account, advising perfect people on how deal with toxic parents?

From the link:
In 2023, he started posting about his thoughts and feelings online.
"Every video I posted I had to take a deep dive into my life, and my own childhood and see why I do what I do, and why other people did what they did," said Ben

NoNews you posted:
Why is the estranged child's picture in the article, let alone the very first thing that pops up?
I haven't read the article yet but it's clear his autonomy and privacy is not genuinely respected by his mother.
I can't blame him for estranging from a parent like that.

In fact the opposite from what you understood the article to be about, NoNews.

Oreo

Stellar

If you read the article, you will see that he has become a social media influencer and a 'trauma informed coach'.

I fully agree with you, there can’t possibly be enough parents who were so terrible to go no contact and called toxic.
It’s yet another rubbish SM trend.

The trend and his site both sound toxic.
Dangerous.

Just had to do a little Googling. His qualifications appear to come from

MMS World Wide Institute based in New York.

Dr Cherie will guide you through all the steps you need to become an accredited Coach.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I see it as more the younger generation having little tolerance or understanding about being a parent and the stresses that it brings, as well as having no sympathy for whatever life threw at said parents.
Being selfish and often cutting parents out of their life for spurious reasons.

Lathyrus3

Just had to do a little Googling. His qualifications appear to come from

MMS World Wide Institute based in New York.

Dr Cherie will guide you through all the steps you need to become an accredited Coach.

😂

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

foxie48

TBH I wish there was more of a focus on acceptance of other's faults, tolerance and understanding. My mother grew up in a family of 11 children with Victorian attitudes and strict discipline, my father grew up in poverty with an alcoholic and frequently absent father. Neither of them were brought up in a house full of kindness or generosity of spirit and my childhood was very far from perfect. I frequently disagreed with them but deep down I knew they were trying to do their best.
I've made lots of mistakes bringing up my own children but I've done my best. We've talked about things that they remember that made them unhappy and I'm very willing to apologise for my errors of judgement but it is really interesting how different their memory of an event can be compared to mine. Some thing I have absolutely no recollection of and tbh I think many of their memories are linked to photographs or a conflation of different events.
No one is perfect, most parents try to do their best, most parents fail on occasion and some parents have had very poor modelling of good parenting from their own parents. I've tried not to make the same mistakes as my parents but I've made others instead!

Oh how I agree

NoNews

"there can’t possibly be enough parents who were so terrible to go no contact and called toxic."

Why not? Nearly the entire world has a rich history of trauma and inequality, and we only relatively recently started deeply studying and caring about mental health.

Instead of a social media trend, it's more of a generational divide. Where the younger generation is less ignorant about mental health, while the older generation struggles with accepting this new information.

I’m sorry, but I simply don’t agree, at 67, perhaps considered the “older” generation, having been together with my husband for 32 years whose mother is schizophrenic and having both my biological father and maternal grandfather die by suicide when I was 4 and 15 respectively, I consider myself very familiar with poor and unstable mental health and with a daughter having been diagnosed in adulthood with Borderline Personality Disorder and another daughter, also diagnosed in adulthood with Austism and ADHD (yes, I’m fully aware this is NOT a ME issue), and an adult son with quite severe anxiety and depression, we’veALWAYS been aware of the difficulties people face with emotional and mental health difficulties.

We talk frequently about such issues within our household and explained to our children from a very young age why their granny exhibited strange and erratic behaviour.

Not everyone over 60 lives in the dark ages.

Because they only consider their own feelings NoNews is what makes them selfish.
Of course there really are some terrible parents but AC seem to navel gaze a lot and then cut family members out of their lives if they find them less than perfect.

It’s a trend.☹️

Nothing personal here, as my AC have a very good relationship with us, but I feel sympathy for those cut off parents wondering where they went wrong.
Most didn’t I expect, but just have selfish AC or ones who have MH problems which they blame on their parents.

Sometimes, when there’s nothing else on and I need to sit,I watch Judge Judy.

It’s amazing how easily some people instead of sticking to their main complaint or argument, start throwing in all kinds of minor things that have displeased them, exaggerate or make up stuff to bolster their testimony.

Judge Judy has a radar for that sort of thing.

It’s a real lesson in how a lot of people approach life with an inability to discriminate or interact without becoming petty.
To me a complaint about orange juice just diminishes any real concern there might be.

It becomes laughable and means anything else isn’t taken as seriously. because the comedy of the orange juice has flavoured everything else.

🍊

NoNews

Oreo

I see it as more the younger generation having little tolerance or understanding about being a parent and the stresses that it brings, as well as having no sympathy for whatever life threw at said parents.
Being selfish and often cutting parents out of their life for spurious reasons.

It's sad you see it that way, but whatever helps you sleep at night I guess.

How it makes them selfish is beyond me.

Are you a new poster NoNews?

If so, welcome.
We used to have a welcome thread, I think.

Oreo
They may learn about the stresses and strains themselves one day.
I do think there seems to be more self-absorption now than in previous generations but that could bd dispute to the influence of social media and mobile phones, this being a case in point.