I Dont Want To Get Over It Nor Do I Want To Forget

Jen, you have started a number of posts on the same topic then don't return to them when people give you kind advice. Seriously, see a doctor about your feelings. You need to get help

I did respond to a lot of the comments and I appreciated the advice people gave. Fyi I have been to counselling over the last few years, I have tried to get help and I am in a better position than I was five years ago. I just needed a place to talk about my thoughts and feelings, interact with people etc. I thought that's what this forum is for.

I think everyone is different and you should never blame yourself for not having the same feelings as others.
After my dad died, suddenly and young, my mum had to "get on with it" and bring us up alone.

She always said she never got over it but she got used to it which is what I say now that it's 5 years since my darling DH died.

It's ok to grieve but I do know a public display of emotion upsets others so maybe keep your feelings to yourself? On here it's fine though to share.

jendepressed68

I did respond to a lot of the comments and I appreciated the advice people gave. Fyi I have been to counselling over the last few years, I have tried to get help and I am in a better position than I was five years ago. I just needed a place to talk about my thoughts and feelings, interact with people etc. I thought that's what this forum is for.

Good for you , Jen. I applaud your determination to be sad and remember your estranged son. Being sad is part of being human and we all need to embrace our feelings.

From what you write ,you do not suggest that you are obsessively sad nor clinically depressed, and those emotional states are not good. Sadness , however, and recognising that you feel sad , is good.

Grammaretto

I think everyone is different and you should never blame yourself for not having the same feelings as others.
After my dad died, suddenly and young, my mum had to "get on with it" and bring us up alone.

She always said she never got over it but she got used to it which is what I say now that it's 5 years since my darling DH died.

It's ok to grieve but I do know a public display of emotion upsets others so maybe keep your feelings to yourself? On here it's fine though to share.

Grammaretto, a "public display of emotion " should be welcome . For our own sakes at least, we all need reminding that others are suffering.

We are all human and to pretend we are emotionally flat is a lie.
It is an added burden to believe that self -expression is impolite. If one's acquaintances are so unemotional then art, music, or theatre may be better companions .

Your first post, which was removed, was overwrought and spoke of suicide as well as the inappropriate relationship you entered into. That was a sign that your counselling hadn't worked. Your post of earlier this week, you replied 3 times to what looked like the same person. That's hardly responding to 'a lot of comments.' You then disappeared from that thread and start another one on exactly the same topic. Hence my advice to seek therapy.

I have absolutely no idea what this is about!

TheWeirdoAgain60

I have absolutely no idea what this is about!

It's the same theme as Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

jendepressed has been overcome by the estrangement. She probably has nowhere else to offload.
Counselling is the best way forward Jen.
I’m hopeless at remembering previous posts. I hope you have escaped the ‘inappropriate’ relationship…. good luck !

Jen, the estrangement from your son is totally consuming you. You cannot change the situation, you are unable to contact him to express your sorrow and make amends, it's totally out of your hands.

Just as with a bereavement, for your own sanity and future happiness you have to make a conscious decision to move on. Without the physical presence of your son you still have your memories of him, that must be enough for you, because until the day he walks back through your door, your life will be on hold, you have to forgive yourself for your mistake, none of us are perfect, you deserve to be happy.

Join social groups, your library will have details, I'm sure there will be something you will enjoy doing. Interaction with real people will bring you out of yourself and will help to fill the void of not having your son in your life. Walking groups are good, you'll be surprised how much you can get out of walking and talking, everyone has a story to tell, no-one's life is perfect, we all have our issues, you are not alone in your misery, but there are ways to help yourself feel happy, even in your sadness, you owe it to yourself to have a fulfilling life. You apologised to your son, he chose to disappear from your life, don't let this affect the rest of your life. Smile, laugh, have fun, you owe it to yourself. Don't wallow in misery. Life is what you make it. Take care 💐.

To be estranged from family members is hard but..and it's a big but..you have to carry on,you have to for your own sake,you have to live your life to the best you can,make yourself the priority.I speak from experience,the mind is a powerful tool,it allows you to box up those sad thoughts ,tie them with a ribbon and push them safely away, they're still there but you know that to open those boxes will bring sadness so look for things that bring you happiness,go for walks,read a book but don't dwell on what you can't change there lies misery,hugs

I think the lady should be allowed to speak.
As long as everything is within the GN rules.
Which I presume it is.

I do think it would be helpful to posters, edpecially newer ones, or ones that dont come on this topic very often, for even the lady herself, or one of the first replies, to say that this is an ongoing poster with an ongoing theme. Something like that.

See "I miss my baby boy so much" by jendepressed68, it will explain this lady's sad predicament.

There is a way in which estrangement is worse than bereavement. There is a finality about death which cannot be argued with. You will never see that person again in this life. When you are estranged from someone you know you are condemned to walk this wide and loveless earth without them. But they are still abroad in the world, living their life. Only they are living it without you. Its unfinished business.

If you're speaking from experience, friendlygingercat, I'm sorry 💐.

What bothered me was someone with a grown up married son referring to him on a public forum like this as her 'baby boy'.

Yes, it is a term most of us use now and again, as an expression of love or with irony, but always within a closed group of immediate family or parents and child. To me there seemed to be something out of sync, about someone using that term in public, like this. I am not sure where it jarred, but it set lights to amber, if not red.

You've summed up what it's like to be estranged perfectly friendlygingercat .

I agree fancythat.

The reason you failed miserably at trying to forget your son jen is because you can't and never will. I agree that gas lighting and/or deluding yourself wont be good for you but you do need to find a way of coping with what's happened.

I'm glad that you found therapy helpful and are in a better place than you were five years ago and you're right; this is the place to talk about your thoughts and feelings and to interact with among others, those who know what you're going through because they've been and continue to go through it themselves.

TBH, I'm not sure anyone can 'embrace' the tragedy of being estranged as to embrace means to accept willingly or enthusiastically and what loving parent can possibly embrace the fact that the child they love, no longer wants them in their life.

It is though what we have to accept which a poster on this forum once succinctly describes as reluctant acceptance, because there is no alternative.

I don't know why the OP referring to her son as her "baby boy" bothers you M0nica and set lights to amber, if not red and I don't see how you saying so can possibly be of any help.

My thoughts too Monica, referring to an adult son as her ' baby boy' is unusual and made me wonder why ? Jen you are clearly distressed- understandably so ! Please find support. I wish you well.

Jen you are clearly distressed - understandably so exactly so nit picking at how she's chosen to express herself is unlikely to be beneficial is it.

Jendepressed
Be honest with yourself. Is your over riding grief not seeing your son or the terrible guilt you feel for what you did.

Two different scenarios here death and estrangement. I agree that we should remember people who have died in a way that is right for us. My way is to think of my loved ones when they were fit and well and enjoying life, not when they were at the end of life. Dealing with death and/or estrangement is different for everyone.

petra

Jendepressed
Be honest with yourself. Is your over riding grief not seeing your son or the terrible guilt you feel for what you did.

well a bit of both. I obviously miss him a lot but I also do blame myself and I feel guilty.

You must let the guilt go, Jen, and forgive yourself, otherwise you will never heal from this 💐

petra

Jendepressed
Be honest with yourself. Is your over riding grief not seeing your son or the terrible guilt you feel for what you did.

Interesting question.

However, what is done cannot be undone so jenDepressed needs help to work through this and find a way forward with her life.