Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Estrangement is often referred too as a living bereavement IntoTheEther because we grieve for and mourn the loss of the adult child whose estranged us.

You say that you used your daughter for emotional support due to the problems you were having with your son which you now see was wrong, and for which you have spent the last 19 months apologising for.

You mentioned neglect, which I understand to mean neglecting her needs when relying on her for emotional support and creating a 'glass child'; a child that is not seen/seen through, and yet you also talk of you and her father dividing your time so she wouldn't miss out on the things she wanted to do because of her brothers, while also ensuring that you had 1 to 1 time with her.

I am in no way attempting to underplay how she would have felt about and struggled with being an emotional support for you, just pointing out that there were also aspects of your parenting that were an attempt to mitigate some of the negative impact on her childhood, because of her siblings.

You didn't get everything right, no parent ever does and having listened too and taken on board what she's told you, have apologised which is all any of us can do.

My husband and I never instigated attempts to communicate with our son when he estranged us. Having received a hand written note on Christmas Eve that we were no longer a part of his and our GS's lives, I did pen a brief response.

Several months later through his brother, he requested a meeting with his father but that didn't go well due to the level of anger and bitterness he exhibited, for which there was no explanation.

Just over 3 years later when we were moving out of the area I emailed him to say 'goodbye' and assuring him that my love would always remain. His response was so vile that I simply emailed my thanks because he'd shown me that saying goodbye was the right thing to do.

It can be as you say a 'catch 22'; you can be damned if you do keep trying to make contact, and damned if you don't. She may see you failing to make contact as a sign that you don't love her but on the other hand, she may see your non acceptance of her wish for no contact by continuing to do so, as not loving her either.

You D during your row told you that she never felt she was loved by you and her father. A couple of years into our estrangement while visiting our eldest son in Aus., he told me that his brother didn't know if we loved him. I told him that if the first 27 years of his brother's life weren't evident of our love, then nothing we could do or say now could make it any plainer.

If you were to ask for my advice,it would be to send one final message to your D. Tell her you love and miss her which is why you've been continually whatsapping, but you realise you shouldn't have been because for her sake and your own, you need to accept her decision. So that is what you're going to do and why you'll no longer try contacting her again in the future.

It wont be easy but IMO this should also include birthday cards and cards at Christmas. We have seen estranging adult children here on GN, saying how they dread getting a card from the parent(s) they've estranged when it's their birthday or at Christmas.

No contact means no contact and the only one who is in a position to change this, is the one who initiates it.

7 months is still early days although for you it will feel like a lifetime so she may change her mind, and you may have more chance of her doing so if you leave her alone to see if spending the rest of her life without her mum in it, is something she really wants .

Into the Ether, I tried for at least six years, can’t remember exactly, still send cards, why i don't know, luckily both my grandchildren never forgot me and I see them. I no longer want a relationship with her, you don't treat anyone as I was never mind your mother who adored you. In time it gets easier but it is hard to accept for a long time. I am glad I tried everything or I might have regretted it. I came to the conclusion she just left me behind as her wealth increased. I might be shouted down for this but even if your d is on autistic spectrum she knows right from wrong, don't beat yourself up, we are all human, do our best and thats all you can ask of anyone.

We tried for 9 years sending birthday and Christmas cards and the occasional message. Apologising, asking what we could do to try and repair the relationship. Each time no response….which slowly and steadily destroyed us. Eventually we realised for our own well being we had to let go and rebuild our lives. Which we have done, and tbh living now without the constant trauma feels like a release. We are happy. Very few families get through life without some form of tragedy….estrangement is ours. It is possible to heal, or at least for the pain to become backstage rather than front stage. Our last communication with our EC was to tell them we loved them. I am content with that. As said above, we can’t influence another person’s actions. We can’t change the past. We can use the time left to us to live a good life however.

Spring, I am glad you and your husband are happy now. You cant live in that knife edge for the rest of your life.What you say is correct, most families go through some sort of tragedy, this is ours. .

Thank you Allsorts. Still have ‘off days’ but they are fewer and farther between now and I bounce back from them much more quickly. Is good to be able to come on here when I need some reassurance and understanding though.

Morning all, hope you're all OK.

It was awful here yesterday, hot and it felt as if there wasn't enough oxygen in the air.

Little Ziggy is doing really well. He didn't wake up the first time until 4.30 am this morning which surprised me as he slept a lot yesterday because it was so hot.

The previous two mornings he went through to 5.00 am. We've put some fake grass out on the decking and 75% of the time he toddles outside for the toilet and inside, 99% of the time he uses the training pads.

He responds to 'no' so we've all but stopped him attacking our feet; comes when we call him and if one of us has been out, he runs up to greet us .

I agree Allsorts that being on the autistic spectrum doesn't mean that someone doesn't know the difference between right and wrong.

Having that sense of relief because we're no longer embroiled in their drama and targets for their nastiness isn't something I don't think any of us thought we'd ever say Spring.

Describing the pain as being back stage instead of front stage is spot on. It takes time but I hope that for anyone reading this thread who hasn't yet reached that stage, there's hope and comfort knowing that they will get there in the end.

Lovely to hear about your doggie's progress Smiles I chuckled when you said about him attacking your feet .

Thinking of getting an awning, has anyone else got one?

Nice day everyone xx

I think an awning would be a very good idea, I would not be able to get the thing up though. Dogs and cats have so much love to give and accept us how we are. Uncomplicated unlike children. Little Ziggy seems a feisty little character and tgerexwill be no shortage of dog sitters.

Thanks Allsorts and your right about our pets giving us so much love, so pleased to see us when we get home. x