Support and friendship for those whose lives have been affected by estrangement.

Hi everyone - you’re all so kind, unfortunately she took a dip last night and was clearly in pain/discomfort as she was constantly crying out, so we ended up taking her to the emergency vet at 1am. She is a Labrador, robust and as tough as old boots usually, so it was heartbreaking to hear her so distressed. They gave her more painkillers & sent her home but we have had to take her back twice today, for the same thing. She’s there now with my husband (I had to go a funeral which we should have both been at). No results yet, & really no idea what’s going on….

She’s been admitted for overnight observation so that’s a relief and will hopefully get her sorted out

So sorry Stillawipp I remember with my Lilly, actually cannot relive how awful the end was, she needed painkillers during the night, but my vets had just changed from 24/7 to closing at 11am. I called the emergency vet & they said I had to bring her in, which was in the next town up and in town centre I believe, I couldn't take her she was too ill. They also wanted cash up front [no issue there] I'd already just got the bill for her overnight stay the night before of £800. She passed the next day .

Thank you, we’re going to get her this morning as apparently she’s a bit brighter so we can trial her at home for the day. Fingers crossed!

Oh stillawipp, how distressing for you .

I hope she'll be more settled today. Please keep us posted when you can xx

Yes, much better today, thank you - hopefully on the up now 🤞🏼🤞🏼

I think some vets give owners false hope, I would not let my beloved pet suffer pain like that Stillawhip, why is the vet sending her home and in pain. I know its awful saying good bye but if a dog is very old and relying on pain killers what does the future hold. I don’t want to upset or offend but my lovely cat had three weeks of being admitted, then re admitted to the vets, she got thinner and was in distress, eventually we had to let her go, I now regret we did not let her go sooner.

Thank you for your thoughts Allsorts, & I’m sorry that you lost a beloved pet. I don’t want to keep diverting the thread away from helping people with their estrangement, so I’ll just say that we are incredibly responsible dog owners and would never let an animal suffer in pain, and nor would our vet, in whom we have total trust. She is fine now and I’m sure will now recover fully.

You're not diverting the thread stillawipp. We get to know one another because of estrangement and support one another when ever it's needed for what ever reason.

I'm so pleased she's OK .

I found this thread because of estrangement but stay because of friendship. Estrangement is awful but it doesn't have to rule our lives . We aren't just mom,wife's widows and grandparents, dads ,husbands, widower and grandparents.

Yes we talk about estrangement and newly estranged given help ,support our stories ,advice if they want it but a safe place to say what they need .

I love hearing about people's pets,holidays especially places I never nor will go to . See things others do and talk about what I do.

Estrangement at the start dominants our life's . But with help here it fades into the background. Its not easy especially if you never know the real reason why.

But we may be parents but first of all we are women and men . Wife and husband or partners. We bring our children up to be adults then we let them go to make their own lives. Even when we see they are making terrible choices we stay quiet. They have to learn the consequences of their own actions.

We have our own lives to live that doesn't depend on our children. We are adults making our memories and doing the things we want to do that doesn't include our children.
We are entitled to live our own lives the way we want.

On a better note have venue for making our CD on 12th September. No idea where it is but the taxi driver will take me . RSVP as soon as our choir director posted it. Still laugh me being in a choir and making a CD. Looking forward to meeting the other choirs.

Smileless2012

You're not diverting the thread stillawipp. We get to know one another because of estrangement and support one another when ever it's needed for what ever reason.

I'm so pleased she's OK .

🙏🏻🥰

Stillawhip, glad your dog is now on the mend and pain free. I haven't had another pet since last experience as cannot face the inevitable although miss the company very much.

Whiff, you are so right, anyone new to estrangement can come on here and we all understand and don't judge, there is a good life after Estangement but it just takes time.

Yoga, I do wonder if some doctors want everyone on Statins.

Sorry stillawipp forgot to say glad your dog is on the mend.

I am on satitns but for me its worked out well. After my week in hospital Janiuary 2025 put on statin to stop further furring in my right artery. Last year my cholesterol was 4.4 this 3.5. They usually say 5 or below is good. But cholesterol is made of good and bad cholesterol. Not sure what the numbers are for that. I have had low sodium levels for well over 10 years but they where stable and had to be on restricted fluids so I don't lose more. My blood test early in the year my sodium levels where in the normal range for the first time. My lasted test for my liver and renal again my sodium levels where in the normal range . So the statin must have done something and helped my sodium levels which I am happy about. I still stick to my 8-10 drinks a day as its what I am used to . Got a review with my GP in September over my lasted diagnosis so will ask about how the statin helped my sodium levels . 4 things I have been diagnosed with but on medication for all of them.

The great thing about moving here is I have GPs that care am healthier and getting treatment I was denied for decades living in the black country.

Good to hear your doggie is recovering at home with you Stillawipp may he have many more happy & healthy years with you.

Allsorts I think they do [want everyone on statins]. I told my friend all about it yesterday and she said her doctor told her she must go on them for life otherwise she will have a heart attack and die! My friend has no idea what her readings are, she is slim, fit & healthy, swims a few times per week.

Two friends went on them because doctor advised it but they both came of them after they did a bit of research. One developed muscle pains.

The people I know who came off them said they did so because of aching muscles Allsorts.

What a ridiculous thing for your friend's doctor to say Yogin . I'd have been furious.

Ziggy had his first vaccination yesterday and weighed in with a 100 gram gain ; still tiny though. I went to pay for a repeat prescription to discover to my horror that I didn't have my debit card .

I'd last used it in Tesco's on the 15th so had no idea it was missing. We went there and were told if it had been handed in, they only keep them for 24 hours before destroying them.

Back home I 'phoned the bank to cancel it and order a new one and also to check that my payment in Tesco's had been the last time it was used; it was thank goodness.

As we can't leave Ziggy yet, I went out this morning to get what I can't buy in Lidl's armed with Mr. S.'s card. Got my Tesco's shop and paid for it only to realise I'd forgotten Poppy's food, so went back to get it. Went to the self service check out which I hate using and then back to my car only to discover that I'd left the dog food behind!!!

I was so set on checking I'd not left Mr. S.'s card behind I walked off without the dog food. TBH I was relieved to get home without further incident.

How can such a tiny thing (Ziggy) be so exhausting .

My brother tired 3 sorts of statins before he found the one that didn't give him muscle cramps in his legs. Funny enough its the one I am on but he has to take a higher dose as he has permanent atrial fibrillation 2 stents in his heart plus one in his brain.
I was lucky only have slight furring in my right artery and the statin is to prevent further furring and needing a stent. I would rather take the statin than have another angiography. Had no side effects from the tablets they don't interfere will all my other tablets.

People like the covid jab fall into 2 camps those pro statins and those against. I am pro anything that will keep me healthy and still able to do all the things I want . I know what my future holds but am fighting to keep my mobility for as long as I can. I got out of needing a wheelchair after years of using one. I will take anything to kept me out of one . As I do not want to be dependant on anyone especially my daughter. I know what that cost me healthwise. But I couldn't abandon those who needed me .

Good evening,
I am new here. I just wanted to ask if it gets any better. Time isn't healing and all the feelings I've been trying to swallow down and block out are overwhelming. These are feelings of guilt and grief.
It has been just over a year since my daughter last spoke to me, 19 months since we argued (Xmas) and 7 months since she told her father she wants nothing more to do with me.
I have spent the last 19 months apologising on WhatsApp, as she won't take my calls and asking what I can do to make amends.
I said awful things. She did too but that doesn't excuse it. I am meant to be the adult. I have reached out but she does not respond. I am guilty of neglect, parentification and creating a glass child. She hasn't said this but her two siblings are ND, I suspect she is too, and I only first saw it in her brother as it presents differently in girls. But I can't come to terms with the loss and I am making it worse by messaging into the ether. I tell her I love her or am thinking of her once a week, once a fortnight if I try really hard. As I know me whatsapping will be triggering or overstep boundaries.
When will it feel less painful? Will it ever feel less painful?
We are broken.

Is not being ND processing information differently from the expected norm. I would ask who is normal? I don't know anyone who is without some issue. You would need a crystal ball or magic powers and so much patience to not do something triggering. Stop beating yourself up there's no easy answer. Stop with the What's App, she knows you care, you and your husband get on with your life and enjoy your time together.

If it sounds hard I am sorry but you cannot alter how people think just how you react.

Autistic, sorry. And I don't think she does know I care. In our row, she said she'd never felt loved by either of us. Which was said in anger but also hard to hear.
She lives alongside her father, like ships in the night. They are still talking. We have been co-parenting for years now, living apart with two sets of children, as the younger ones weren't coping in the schools where we lived. There will therefore be abandonment issues there too but she chose to stay with her father as she was happy in her school and didn't want to change to another. I am grateful he is there for her and she has at least one parent she is speaking to but it puts stress on our relationship as he cannot or will not mediate in case she does the same to him. I do not want that for either of them either.

Thank you for replying btw. 💐 I appreciate the contact. And your wisdom. I cannot alter how she thinks, no. And she already feels like a stranger now. Which makes it harder. But the whatsapping and self flagellation isn't helping me come to terms with the loss. I know 19 months is early days but she hasn't spoken to her grandfather in seven, so I have little hope she'll ever talk to me again. I am sorry. I know I sound like a pity party.

(Seven years)

Hello IntoTheEther and a warm welcome to this support thread. I'm sorry that you need to be here but glad that you've found us because those of us who are estranged, know how important it is to know that you're not alone.

I understand the importance of not giving too much information in case it's identifying, but I'm wondering how old your daughter is.

You say you're guilty of neglect, parentification and creating a glass child. Are these things your daughter has accused you of or things that you've attributed to yourself, and what has her father's role been in all of this?

You say you've been co parenting for years so has her father's parenting differed to your own?

Of course I understand if you don't want to answer but a little more information would be helpful.

As you've discovered whatsapping and self flagellation isn't going to help you, and wont help your daughter either. Neither will 'swallowing down' and trying to block out the intense feelings of grief and pain that all of us who have been estranged have experienced.

You must acknowledge these feelings and vent them. If you want to cry then cry, and shout and scream 'into the ether' then do so because trying to hide and/or deny these feelings isn't healthy as many of us can attest too.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only grand children for more that 13 years. You ask if it gets any better, well for us I think easier is a better word than better.

It's a wound that we feel is healing but will never heal completely and where it has healed, we bare the scars which will never fade.

You do not sound like pity party and never need to apologise here for expressing your grief, pain and sorrow. This is what this thread is for and why it's been here for more than 12 years, because we all need somewhere to talk and being able to talk to the only one's who can truly understand because they're also estranged, is priceless.

Take care and now that you've found us I hope you'll keep posting .

Thank you for your kind words. 💐
They are appreciated.
My daughter is 24, 22 when we had the row.
She has only used one of those terms, parentification. But she wasn't wrong.
She was 11 when her brother was born.
He used to reverse headbutt and bite me.
I used her for emotional support looking back and that wasn't fair.
On some family holidays her father and I used to divide and conquer. He would take her to places she wanted to while I took the other two, so she didn't miss out. I did have my own 1-1 with her though.
Her father is a decent man but avoidant.
He is very rational and easy going whereas she sees me as controlling. I think that is fair but I also have tried not to be, as my father is the same.
I know she has gone NC as she needs that, and I know I should be happy that she is living her life but I am grieving someone who's not died and it is excruciating, being in limbo like that. I ought to be grateful that at least I know how she is doing. I did, do, and always will love her and so I need to let her have her peace. None of that stops it hurting and it does hurt.
I don't want to trigger any of you so I'm sorry for asking, and please don't respond if it's too painful, but when did you all stop all attempts at communication? It feels like a catch 22. If I don't keep trying then that is evidence I don't love her as I didn't try hard enough and if I don't stop that is the evidence that I don't respect boundaries.
I am not dumb, I have read enough in the last year to know that EC see the trying as a 🚩 but would me stop trying be seen as rejection?