Reducing contact because my heart just isn't in it.

Just a note that I can now see private messages, so I'll be onto those shortly.

I would say contact but no conflict. I do that with a certain member of my family. I realised some time ago this wasn’t worth the stress and keep the visits and texts to a minimum.

Good for you.
Does your sibling feel the same way?

MarieElla

Good for you.
Does your sibling feel the same way?

My sibling has had their own issues with our mother but not as much as me since expectations are generally lower there (I'm the eldest). My sibling agrees with my point of view on the issues.

Harris27

I would say contact but no conflict. I do that with a certain member of my family. I realised some time ago this wasn’t worth the stress and keep the visits and texts to a minimum.

Contact but not conflict sounds like a good four word policy in approach. Visits won't happen but phone calls are up in the air.

Terribly sad, I’d just add please do this in a way which hopefully leaves you with no regrets or misplaced feeling of guilt when they die. (I don’t mean that quite a bluntly as this may come across)

Cossy

Terribly sad, I’d just add please do this in a way which hopefully leaves you with no regrets or misplaced feeling of guilt when they die. (I don’t mean that quite a bluntly as this may come across)

It's a very fair statement to make and very true. Not too blunt at all. :-)

What a sad situation for all.

Allsorts

What a sad situation for all.

I guess they made their choices, so I have to make mine.

I wish you well with the choices you've made lovethepuppies.

Oreo

Of course, just reduce the amount and duration of texts, phone calls and emails. Allow them to contact you first sometimes.
Maintain a relationship and see what happens.Parents aren’t perfect and have their own troubles and insecurities.

I'm returning to this early post as basically as far as I can see it its applying the yellow rock approach. Certainly before you estrange try it first. Thinking of cossy's comments on guilt too.

Hard work at the start. I'm having to decide to use it (much less pressure than family) on someone in a group I go to a lot.

"The yellow rock technique means staying polite and brief while keeping your emotions hidden. It is a friendly version of the gray rock method, using small niceties like a warm greeting or short polite phrases so you do not look cold, angry, or defensive.

How to Do It
Add mild politeness: Say simple things like "Hope you are having a good day" or "Thanks".

Keep it short Answer in one or two clear sentences.Stick to facts: Talk only about the immediate topic or logistics, and do not share personal details about your life.

Do not take the bait : Ignore insults, guilt trips, or traps to start a fight.

Why It Helps with Parents
Prevents big fights: Giving a tiny bit of warmth stops them from feeling attacked or stonewalled, which keeps arguments from blowing up.

Protects your energy You stay in control and do not waste strength on old drama.

Keeps you looking calm If other family members or outside parties look at your texts or emails, you always appear to be the reasonable and kind person.

Smileless2012

I wish you well with the choices you've made lovethepuppies.

I made a very opposite choice but sometimes, it's better to just accept and go the other way. I don't have the energy for all this, so it's better to just ride the wave rather than tame it sometimes.

Wyllow3

Oreo

Of course, just reduce the amount and duration of texts, phone calls and emails. Allow them to contact you first sometimes.
Maintain a relationship and see what happens.Parents aren’t perfect and have their own troubles and insecurities.

I'm returning to this early post as basically as far as I can see it its applying the yellow rock approach. Certainly before you estrange try it first. Thinking of cossy's comments on guilt too.

Hard work at the start. I'm having to decide to use it (much less pressure than family) on someone in a group I go to a lot.

"The yellow rock technique means staying polite and brief while keeping your emotions hidden. It is a friendly version of the gray rock method, using small niceties like a warm greeting or short polite phrases so you do not look cold, angry, or defensive.

How to Do It
Add mild politeness: Say simple things like "Hope you are having a good day" or "Thanks".

Keep it short Answer in one or two clear sentences.Stick to facts: Talk only about the immediate topic or logistics, and do not share personal details about your life.

Do not take the bait : Ignore insults, guilt trips, or traps to start a fight.

Why It Helps with Parents
Prevents big fights: Giving a tiny bit of warmth stops them from feeling attacked or stonewalled, which keeps arguments from blowing up.

Protects your energy You stay in control and do not waste strength on old drama.

Keeps you looking calm If other family members or outside parties look at your texts or emails, you always appear to be the reasonable and kind person.

Thanks for these ideas. I'm just going with the flow. I have a message with my parents by text each day. I'm just doing that for now and keeping it polite and sharing small talk. It keeps the contact without too much demand.

Since there's a post about OPs not updating, I thought I would.

Things are quiet, but I've been plausibly busy that my parents won't have noticed I've pulled back. My mother will have noticed I didn't phone her for her birthday. That was way too soon to what I'll call 'the trigger event'. I did send a gift and a birthday message in the morning though. It may all just quietly fade.

Quietly fading is fine by me. We do instant message each other daily, so I'll keep that up. I am at the place where I don't feel that I need to discuss it with them. It's best to just accept who they are and who they have always been. The thing I'll be dropping is the weekly phone calls with my mother. I just can't right now.

I've spoken to someone professional about it all. This has helped me accept that I don't need to do anything other than just accept how things are. I've given myself permission to not be 'the good daughter' and 'the responsible one they can always count on'.

Right now I have a need for ongoing space and I'm going to honour that. As I said, we are in daily contact at a level I feel okay about.

I think the correct term is soft ghosting, reducing contact so eventually there is none. I would much rather want to know why.

I'm not ghosting though. I'm sending daily text messages, as is our habit for years. She will know why.

I also have no intention to stop the texting tradition. It feels like a safer way to connect at the moment. The previous closeness may be lost for good, I don't know, but I'm giving all I have the emotional bandwidth for right now.

It's great that you've healed enough to realize that lowering contact with your toxic parents is the correct move. Hopefully as you heal more you will overcome the obligation and guilt they have instilled in you that you compels you to stay in contact at all. Unless you are trying to score an inheritance or just keep the general peace with extended family, there is no real good reason to stay in contact with toxic people, family or not.

Them being family doesn't excuse any harm they have done to you or your mental health. The fact they are family actually makes it worse instead of excusable.