I don't think anyone is just tolerating the other, Allsorts. It's just a shift of relationship. That doesn't mean there isn't value in a different kind of relationship.
My mother has always defined the rules of engagement and complained when that doesn't work for the other person and expected them to change. I think it's reasonable the relationship changes in light of this, and I think it's reasonable my mother might be a bit cool at the moment while she gets used to it, but it's a direct consequence of her choices. Sometimes people can't have things both ways. I think the reason she hasn't addressed it more directly is that she doesn't want to deal with what I might have to say.
It's also the first time my mother has had to deal with me calling for my father's birthday when I didn't call for hers, the first time I've ever not done that. It was all just too raw at the time and I couldn't deal with it.
Would you also want someone who did things out a sense of duty to you, and because you'd conditioned them to be responsible for your feelings, or because they genuinely want to? This is one of the few times I have taken equal 'power' in the relationship and put aside 'duty' and it feels very freeing.
We are in regular touch by messaging. I will call on special occasions. For now, that feels right for me.
