Torn over Granddaughter

Elless, I’m so sorry that you are in this situation but, sadly it is not uncommon. My DH’s GDs rarely say thank you to him and we never see or hear from them. Left to me I wouldn’t send them anything but it’s up to him.
If I was in your situation I’m afraid , unless she does contact you, I would stop putting money in her account and just leave it to her in your will. If your GS continues to keep in touch then continue saving for him and give it to him at 18 or 21. If he doesn’t then do the same for him.

Please also note that whether true or false, the perception of you saving away money for her may not land as the sweet gesture you intend. It’s very possible that she may perceive your gesture as a “way in” or emotional bribe. She may be put off from communicating or may still be contemplating what she feels is the best way to respond. Either way, you must be feeling hurt by the state of your family and for that I am sorry. Family conflict is so terribly hard when it involved those you love the most .

If she doesn’t have the money I’m not sure what she would be thanking you for, but I don’t think that’s the main issue.

The issue is that you two don’t seem to have much of a relationship and it’s not clear if she feels entirely comfortable having one with you considering the state of your relationship with her father. She is 21 and allowed to choose her relationships. It is possible she is choosing not to have one with you. Her 15 yr old brother is neither here nor there when it comes to her own decisions for her own relationships. They are allowed to behave as the individual people they are (provided the minor is not disobeying his parents).

I think the most practical thing is to take a step back. You clearly have good intentions here, but you may not be picking up the cues. Sure, it could very well be she is busy and aloof like many young people, but with your family conflict you have to accept that it’s possible she is following her dad’s lead.

Can you imagine how strange it would be to say "I have purchased a present and put it in a cupboard for you with other presents that you will receive one day". It might make her feel she has to earn it in some way and I don't think that is how gifts are supposed to feel. I don't know that she would know how to respond to that.

She can't thank you for a ' gift' she has yet to receive!!! However when you told her she would eventually receive the cash she should have acknowledged your communication.

Well buying presents is fine while they are younger but over 20 and it’s rare that you ll be able to, especially if it’s clothes, shoes, make up stuff, etc etc that they want, and even more if they live away and you don’t know their tastes

I buy my DGC actual gifts. They don't need money and it's impersonal.
I enjoy shopping for them. I don't always see them so I post the parcels. They thank me.
It doesn't go through the parents now they are older. (20, 19, 17, 16, 14, 11 and very nearly 9.)
I haven't fallen out with the parents and sometimes ask the parents for ideas for presents, or sizes etc.

I have no relationship with my three older granddaughters,the eldest one listened to gossip and had a rant at me by text ,she was 21 at the time and called me the c word...I did try with the presents but nothing so now I don't bother, I know what she was told isn't true and I'm refusing to chase after them, sometimes you have to think of yourself

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I m with others on this My grandchildren are all in their 20 s I either send them a present, if I know what they want, or put money in their currant account for them to spend as they wish.
I always get a thank you although the eldest one is the tardiest at messaging me, the others do it instantly.
They won’t get a lot when I die there are seven of them but they are all personally named in my will for a small amount each so they ll know I loved them and remembered each one of them

She can't really thank you for something she hadn't received

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I don't understand why you give your grandchildren gifts they don't receive. A 21st birthday is usually the time when money in savings accounts usually becomes the property of the recipient.
I would text her in a few days; ask her to respond one way or the other: if she continues to ignore you stop sending her money, close the account, inform her and do with it what you will.

I don't know why you expect her to say thank you for a monetary gift that she hasn't even got.

When will you give them the money? Do you mean theyll get it when you die on too of the money in the will?

Its a long time to wait for your birthday money😬

Her father won't have said anything to her, he has no issue with me just my husband but has chosen to estrange both of us. I thought putting the money in an account would be better in the long term rather than smaller amounts at various times of the year. We have left each GC a lump sum in our will and this will be given on top. Our other GC all have Premium Bond accounts and we buy bonds for them. They are overloaded with presents at birthdays and Christmas but we still get them a small gift.

Maybe she’s changed her number.

Wow, I'm amazed at the number of people who expect her, at only 21, to be able to be completely objective about her father's situation with her grandmother. 21 is nothing!! Poor young woman...she didn't ask for this gift & hasn't actually taken it anyway!!
And maybe she feels it would be disloyal to him to do so, & is now caught in the middle not knowing what to do . It was only yesterday that you texted her to tell her - give her a chance!!

It does sound manipulative to me.
I will give you money so you ought to be grateful.
Nope.

Personally, now she has reached 21 I wouldn’t be offering to put aside any more money on birthdays. In her defence, she may not have had an opportunity to respond to your message so give her a little time to do so.
She is an adult and should be able to form her own opinion about family relationships without the influence of her father but none of us know what goes on behind closed doors. Surely she will know that you love her regardless.

Maybe she feels you are trying g to buy her interest and contact.
And she is not playing ball.
Maybe she agrees with supports her father in his dealings with you.

That's a good point Lathyrus and if her lack of gratitude really is an issue, when passing the money onto her you could also say you're doing so because now she's 21 you wont be putting in any more.

If shes 21 isn't that an appropriate time to be giving her whatever you have put aside for her.

I can see why you would put it aside whilst her parents were in control but shes been an adult for three years now.

Maybe she’s not convinced the about the promise of money rather than the reality?

I agree pably.

Elless

She hasn't actually got the money, we have two accounts that we put money into each birthday and Christmas ( she isn't desperate for it - her parents are taking her to New York as one of her gifts, I've never been able to compete with the presents they both receive) I have always sent Easter gifts to their house for them both which, again, she has never thanked us for but her brother has but they have moved house at the beginning of this year and we don't have their address.

How to you now make contact? WhatsApp?

Why have you not given her the money? She is now 21.

Do you not actually have proper contact with them?

What a horrible situation.