My daughter is lying about me and editing me out of her life.

I'm so sorry to hear, that is terrible of her. There is little you can do aside from convincing her to come clean and tell the truth, as it's impossible to prove something didn't happen.

Have you told her that you gave up your career? Maybe that fact could change her mind.

I am so sorry to hear that your husband did not support you.
Can you discuss this with him? 💐

I wonder what stories your D has been feeding her partner. Whatever has been said, has obviously clouded his opinion. And I’m wondering what this has got to do with him anyway. He spoke out of turn I feel. I’m wondering if your D is putting her particular spin on things for reasons of her own.

Your husband was, I think incredibly lilly-livered not showing solidarity in the face of these upsetting accusations. I hope he’s not generally unsupportive.

Macaydia

You cannot change what others say about you but you can be the person you know to be true. If you cant get over these past events, dont visit them in the present. If you can hold your head up high and not bow to the lies she created then continue being the good person you are. What goes around comes around. Be strong

I completely agree.

All I will add is that whilst I understand your husband motives, he clearly doesn’t wish to be “edited” out of his daughter’s life too. Notwithstanding this he should be also supporting you.

To add a little context, our high functioning adult daughter, 29, still lives at home, with her wife, whilst our young grandson recovers from his extremely early birth.

Whilst used to her manner, attitude and ways, she’s an absolute nightmare at times.

I’m always the butt of her anger and angst and frustration but though it truly gets me down and is very demoralising, you will understand, as I do, that neurodiverse people do react and even see things so terribly differently to many of us.

Hang on in there, perhaps this too may pass.

There are options, you could attempt to talk to this partner alone or try and see your daughter alone, or you could just accept that maybe this will never be alright and attempt to move forward.

I’m so sad for you

Hello OnlyOne and a warm welcome to the estrangement forum although I'm so sorry that you need to be here.

Your D's ASD may well be a reason for her behaviour but that doesn't excuse it should be challenged. Your husband on the other hand has no excuse for not being honest with her and her partner.

To be prepared to meet with him when you are being excluded and insulted by him is totally unacceptable. He should be defending and supporting you in this situation and any worries he may have of also being excluded should IMO be second to being a loyal and loving husband.

He is in an ideal position to put your D's partner right about these false allegations of abuse, he should have done so as soon as this began but it's not too late to stand up and be a man.

Unfortunately though there's little if anything you can do, it looks to me as if the one in the best position to 'right this wrong' is your husband .

Separate meetings between the current boyfriend and your husband who, you mention, willingly goes along? After you have been well and truly rubbished?

Where is your husband's backbone?

I agree that your husband is just enabling this awful situation by going along with it and meeting the boyfriend behind your back. His excuse that you are capable of defending your own reputation is lamentable, if someone was badmouthing him to all and sundry I dare say he would expect you to have his back. That is what a marriage is all about, supporting each other.
I personally think he is a coward and doesn’t want to rock the boat or he could end up being treated like you.
You need to seriously discuss this with your husband before you can proceed to try and set the record straight.

I think others are right.

Your first port of call is your husband. If necessary, go to some counselling with him.

You may both have need of some reflection of the years that have gone, in order to move on. I'm not saying dwell on the past, but understanding a little more. You may both be surprised.

Find that togetherness again.

If you can find that to a greater degree, and come to some agreements about facing the family situation together, things will seem brighter xx

Reading all this if you can't get on dont meet up, leave them in their own world, whatever has happened or they think happened isnt going to change now

Enjoy your own life dont let them be a millstone.

Thank you Cossy and it is good to hear from someone with an ASD daughter. I do relate to your situation. I wish I knew others in our position.

Similarly, my daughter, whilst presenting a sophisticated veneer to the outside world, is also nightmare and immediately regresses once inside the front door, often taking on the persona of a very young and demanding child. She now lives abroad, which sadly I admit is a relief. Managing her education was a nightmare too because she was always pulling stunts, and I had to keep intervening and pulling her out of school, although she eventually excelled academically.

Her father and I have never been on the same page to present a united front, which I think is essential, and this is at the root of a lot of it, I think.

I tried to talk to her alone on two or three occasions but each time she goes ballistic and says I am dwelling on past issues because of my “personality” and that she simply made a mistake.

I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to speak to the boyfriend alone and have an exchange as she has queered the pitch sufficiently to prevent any productive exchange. I am wondering how long this man, who was her boss, and I think has very high expectations, will last if they move in together. Maybe this will be temporary and there could be a fresh start sometime, but unless the pattern is broken we will be on repeat ad infinitum.

Your daughter , irrespective of ASD, is a drama queen and a diva, and will do anything to gain attention and sympathy from those she seeks to impress, as in new boyfriends. What she says to them is one thing; that fact that they believe it and tackle you about it is another, and dangerous.
You should most definitely discuss this very seriously with your husband and ask why he did not support you when these accusations were made; your daughter, I notice, stayed silent. If accusations are made against you in future you should refute them as calmly as possible, but extremely firmly.
And remind your husband that accusations can be made against him.

Thank you to everyone for your comments. I agree there is no practical solution here. We were already in couples counselling when this occurred so it makes me think I am wasting my time. My husband is the problem here, I can see. He doesn’t have my back and I will have to marshal my inner resources and get on with life independently. It is frightening as my health is precarious, so I have probably hung on longer than I should have done.

Then you need to decide, in counselling, maybe on your own, what your life's course must be xx

Perhaps counselling, only you can help yourself.

Willow is correct. You are in charge of your future - look after yourself.

You left your work, for good reasons. There is a bit of you that could consider what you missed, how that bit of you could be found?

MG55

I am so sorry to hear that your husband did not support you.
Can you discuss this with him? 💐

That's not my reading of her husbands behaviour.

He quietly stated the fact, that he and OP used reins on a mobile one yr old. **

He was in fact supporting OP by correcting DD's false memory; by stating reality without calling DD a liar . Thus maintaining civil relations with DD and the SIL and avoiding any unpleasantness.

**Using reins on a mobile toddler to afford them more freedom with perfect safety, was perfectly normal parenting of the day.

OP, just bide your time.

In DD's mindset, there is only one way to explain/justify her own limitations or insecurities; and that's by gaslighting a third party with false accusations. Sooner or later, her husband will become the sacrificial goat; the marriage will fail, and she'll come whining back to accuse you of failing to stop her marrying that SOB .

I'm struggling to comprehend some of this tbh.
Reins on a one year old can be sensible, hardly abuse.

A leash, that's for an animal.

Was it not possible to keep a foot in the career/ job scene and parent a child?

OnlyOneXX

Thank you Cossy and it is good to hear from someone with an ASD daughter. I do relate to your situation. I wish I knew others in our position.

Similarly, my daughter, whilst presenting a sophisticated veneer to the outside world, is also nightmare and immediately regresses once inside the front door, often taking on the persona of a very young and demanding child. She now lives abroad, which sadly I admit is a relief. Managing her education was a nightmare too because she was always pulling stunts, and I had to keep intervening and pulling her out of school, although she eventually excelled academically.

Her father and I have never been on the same page to present a united front, which I think is essential, and this is at the root of a lot of it, I think.

I tried to talk to her alone on two or three occasions but each time she goes ballistic and says I am dwelling on past issues because of my “personality” and that she simply made a mistake.

I don’t think I’ll ever get the chance to speak to the boyfriend alone and have an exchange as she has queered the pitch sufficiently to prevent any productive exchange. I am wondering how long this man, who was her boss, and I think has very high expectations, will last if they move in together. Maybe this will be temporary and there could be a fresh start sometime, but unless the pattern is broken we will be on repeat ad infinitum.

I can only wish you luck!

I know how utterly awful it is walking on eggshells and the “meltdowns” are horrific.

I’ve attempted to explain to her that being autistic with adhd is terribly hard to manage BUT isn’t an excuse for being a horrid person. One of the issues is she’s an infant school teacher and by all accounts a very good one, so she’s masking all of her working day, then “explodes” at home.

She and her wife, yes being gay just seems to add to the issues, are moving out pretty soon and are going through a horrible experience currently with a very premature baby boy, so we are all doing our very best to keep things on a very even keen.

As I say, I truly emphasise with you

Kindness is needed here. Yes, cossy

Hi, just to clarify on the reins issue - I said to the BF “the only time she was on reins was in Greece while we were in a museum, when she was one” and he argued back at me. My husband said ‘oh yes, that museum, she had to be on reins because of the antiquities’ but when the BF said in fact she was on a leash for her whole childhood, I contested it while my husband stayed quiet. I ended up resorting to a false memory syndrome suggestion as I could not bring myself to say it was a disgusting lie and upset the entire apple cart for her. A mistake.

greyfur16

I'm struggling to comprehend some of this tbh.
Reins on a one year old can be sensible, hardly abuse.

A leash, that's for an animal.

Was it not possible to keep a foot in the career/ job scene and parent a child?

I did carry on working, but from home via a small business linked to my profession, as I had to be available because of having to withdraw her from school for long periods. It was by no means the career I could have had. My husband is a very high earner, younger than me. In my worst moments I wonder whether I should have dumped the child in daycare and go full-time. Fact is, we didn’t really need the money and her needs prevailed over my personal ambition. I still think in my heart this was the right thing to do. I’m in my sixties now, with really serious health problems and don’t anticipate being around ten years hence. I’m a women’s rights campaigner, very successful on that front, so I do have some purpose in life.

Gosh, what a tricky situation all round.