I’d be more upset that my husband wasn’t supporting me.
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Estrangement
My daughter is lying about me and editing me out of her life.
(49 Posts)I was visiting my daughter abroad, with my husband, when her partner who we had only met once before, a much older man who has three children of his own, suddenly challenged me about my having kept my daughter on reins / a leash all through her childhood.
My daughter, who is high functioning ASD (unknown to him) had a very liberal upbringing and a lot of freedom, more than most. I was horrified and denied it, as obviously it’s abuse, but he came back at me. I could only say that she must have false memory syndrome. I didn’t like to rock the boat and make a massive scene (but now wish I had); my daughter stayed silent and my husband merely said that he remembered her being on reins when she was one year of age on holiday. However, he did NOT deny that she was on reins her whole childhood. My daughter shuts me down when I mention this spat and says she made a mistake. However, she is now ensuring that I never meet the boyfriend when he is in the UK and arranges separate meetings between him and my husband, who willingly goes along. I think she is more worried about what he will say to me than the other way round, as I am always discreet about her many, many issues, so I am guessing this lie is the tip of the iceberg.
This is the culmination of many things that she has done to edit me out of her life. For instance, I was edited out of her birthday photos online. She pulled a similar number with an ex boyfriend who wrote to me about our poor relationship, even though I had no idea we had problems.
I make minimal demands on her as I know she likes her space and needs to be independent. She has had everything in terms of opportunity, funding, general support and cultural input. There were massive issues with her schooling as she was a maverick to say the least and she needed a lot of care, but for the last 12 years since she left school I have refrained from interventions despite various crises.
She is my only child and I am devastated that my reputation is being trashed to everyone she becomes involved with, and fear that if she ever has children they will be turned against me too. I gave up a promising career to care for her as she was very fragile, so the allegation of this kind of abusive treatment is beyond hurtful. The boyfriend clearly dislikes me and was rude to me when we bumped into each other on the street, even though I was ill and just out of hospital, following a terrible episode that defies description here. I am shocked by the callousness of it all, and because I thought he was a decent man, and he doesn’t even know me. I don’t know what to do. I can see where this is going and I am devastated. I feel badly let down by my husband who says I am fully capable of defending my own reputation.
Yes, I am extremely upset about my husband not supporting me. But the other factor is that I am sure the next step will be that my daughter will prevent me from seeing any children may have. Everything is leading in that direction. So, even if I survive to see them being born, I think pariah status is my fate. Maybe I’m catastrophising, but I am usually right about her.
eazybee
Your daughter , irrespective of ASD, is a drama queen and a diva, and will do anything to gain attention and sympathy from those she seeks to impress, as in new boyfriends. What she says to them is one thing; that fact that they believe it and tackle you about it is another, and dangerous.
You should most definitely discuss this very seriously with your husband and ask why he did not support you when these accusations were made; your daughter, I notice, stayed silent. If accusations are made against you in future you should refute them as calmly as possible, but extremely firmly.
And remind your husband that accusations can be made against him.
This comment nailed it, and added something I hadn’t thought of, thank you.
When the couple talks about the leash, do they explictily mean a literal, physical leash; or could they mean a metaphorical leash.
You didn't answer me previously, whether you let her know about the career you sacrificed for her, but making a well-educated guess I will say that you probably have made that sacrifice clear to her at some point in her childhood.
Perhaps than you inadvertenly guilted her to meet your expectations (instead of allowing her to be her true self) and that is the "leash" she is actually talking about.
Because the whole thing sounds so bizarre and farfetched if they are talking about a literal leash.
I agree it sounds far fetched. No, I really didn’t guilt-trip her on my career as she didn’t ask to be born and it was my choice. In fact she thinks I’m less intelligent than her, have had an easy life, and never could have achieved anything of note and has said as much. I don’’t think it would cross her mind that I made any kind of sacrifice. She does not appear to be prone to guilt about me or anyone else.
The initial mention was of reins, but when I challenged her later, she told me that she had corrected the situation about the ‘leash’ with the BF, so she introduced that term later. I don’t know what she means, if it was meant as strictness and control, as I had to fight my husband like a dog to put her in a non-academic school so that pastoral care could be prioritised. But the term ‘leash’ was directed at me, not him, even though I was the instigator to remove academic pressure, so I am taking it literally that she meant a physical restraint as for reins.
I always knew she was fragile and different; I wanted to avoid meltdowns an regression so was very atypical amongst my ambitious friends by letting her fail academically (and got plenty of flak for that); however suddenly she took off that way, aged about 14, on her own terms when her exceptionalities became apparent. I would say there was a bit more pressure from her father re grades (but not much), but all of the opprobrium is directed at me, seemingly. He is a pushover, of course.
OP you need to set the record straight or live with this hanging over you, there are no other options, and certainly your husband is about as much help as a chocolate teapot.
If was me I would grasp the nettle and clear the air then if she responds badly I think even that is better than your present situation. But of course I am not in your shoes and do appreciate how hard this is.
You mentioned your own ill health, you should consider your wellbeing in all of this, and if giving yourself some space is essential 💐
I guess she can't be that fragile if she is helping bring up children in a foreign country?
OnlyOneXX
Yes, I am extremely upset about my husband not supporting me. But the other factor is that I am sure the next step will be that my daughter will prevent me from seeing any children may have. Everything is leading in that direction. So, even if I survive to see them being born, I think pariah status is my fate. Maybe I’m catastrophising, but I am usually right about her.
This is a part of your life not its wholeness:
you also can have a bit of you that has interests and friends even if its online, zooms, courses and so on.
Fallingstar talks about "space" and it's about something to do with how we see ourselves, despite adversity. It's very hard to do, but better than thinking that being a pariah is the only life you will have.
I needed help to understand this so get it if you need to.
It's difficult to fight back when we are confronted with false tales ... give up .... stay well ... dont argue.. let them live their lives and you live yours ... I have knowledge of this ...I'm, sorry for you ...
greyfur16
I guess she can't be that fragile if she is helping bring up children in a foreign country?
His ex-wife has the children and she’s not involved with them.
Suzieque66
It's difficult to fight back when we are confronted with false tales ... give up .... stay well ... dont argue.. let them live their lives and you live yours ... I have knowledge of this ...I'm, sorry for you ...
Thank you and I'm so sorry for you and everyone else who is going through the same kind of thing.
I'm inclined to agree with both Cossy and Butterjam,...although different but relevant views on your situation.
Cossy having real-time experience on neurodivergence, can clearly understand the impact of the outbursts and behaviours of those with autism.
However Butterjam does make a good point, saying that your DH was clarifying what really happened, in a museum in Germany, when your DD was aged 1. So he was being truthful and supporting you. He didn't go full out and say it was untrue for the rest of her childhood. Which is sort of understandable given the situation.
I would talk to him and say how upset you felt about that. But he may have his reasons for that and hopefully he can talk to you about them.
It is more concerning to me that your DD is telling her partner this type of thing. Could she be finding the relationship hard to navigate. Which would be understandable. Especially as she is managing a teaching job, with all the masking that must take.
I agree with David49. I do think that your daughter will think what she thinks, and you need to protect yourself from her behaviour. Live your life. Do not allow her to ruin it. (Try to forget and ignore her bad behaviour). She will lose interest and move on hopefully. As for your husband, (as the others have also pointed out,) he is actually behaving in a way that is immature, and that enables your daughter's cruel behaviour. He needs to stop that, and be more supportive of you, as you seem to me to be isolated by their actions. Poor you. I hope that you can work things out and find a way through it all. Take care.
The way that you speak about her and encourage others to speak about her is very telling. I'm not saying it is all your fault, but I can see how your daughter may have a very different perception of how things happened. I can't imagine a truly 100% loving and caring parent who has done nothing wrong can speak about their child in that way.
I would think you would be more worried about her health if she truly had "false memory syndrome" and is as fragile as you describe her. It sounds like you are more worried about yourself, and possibly missing out on things.
I'm a low support needs/level one autistic adult daughter and my recollection of my upbringing is very different than my mother's recollection of it. And it doesn't mean either of us is lying or making it up. We just have very different perspectives, both of which are valid.
I think you should just back off, because she clearly needs some space. Maybe she will come back and maybe not.
Carrying on like you were a 100% wonderful loving mother and she is a fragile difficult daughter who is now lying about her fantastic upbringing for fun will never lead to repair though. There needs to be respect from both sides for both perspectives.
So maybe you both have some growing up to do and you're both in charge of yourselves here.
I’m so sorry for you my sister was in same kind of predicament with her daughter and hubby she cut the cords went her own way and is now very happy yes she was sad but her health was getting affected by stress so she moved out and on new life she made it clear her door was always open but the abuse etc had to stop
As for hubby he was usless to her never sticking up
For her playing good dad to her bad Mom thing as I said being happy healthy at this age is inportant good luck
I don't think you should be the villain. (Your husband is
spineless) . I would write a letter addressed to your daughter and her man friend, don't like the sound of him at all. Saying what is the truth. You did your best, was a loving mother and wanted the best for her. That you can't continuously be side lined and put down, will give her the freedom and space she wants from you.. Then lead your life, your husband can see them at his pleasure bet that won't last long. You are not her whipping boy, you are not well and you must think you have done all you can. You can't change people. It sound to me as if she wants someone to blame abd it's you. It's bullying.
My heart goes out to you .
It is -absolutely heartbreaking .
I don't have a solution for you .
Just observe events such as Birthdays and main holidays with small gifts and cards .
And distance yourself to keep your sanity .
A family member , who I suspect is a high functioning autistic has done a similar thing to me-made up stories about me.
This has caused a rift in the family and innate me from relatives who previously really liked me and enjoyed my company .
I've endured rejection,decades of strong verbal insults my room searched,my things broken and even physical assault.
I am terrified of being alone with them .
It has left me -a depressed shell of a person who once found life such a joy .
I pray every day about it .
God bless both of us .
I hope this was just failed understanding/communication. If it wasn't and she is lying, you should stand up for yourself.
You are confident the initial claim about reigns is wrong and unfounded. When being accused of this, I know it's hard, but if your child had other complaints are you willing to hear them? I'm not saying the other side is right. My experience is that under the surface of one complaint is an avalanche of hurt. Would you be willing to address that if your child was feeling that way?
OnlyOneXX
Yes, I am extremely upset about my husband not supporting me. But the other factor is that I am sure the next step will be that my daughter will prevent me from seeing any children may have. Everything is leading in that direction. So, even if I survive to see them being born, I think pariah status is my fate. Maybe I’m catastrophising, but I am usually right about her.
If you believe the next step is estrangement then you should encourage your husband to keep contact. It will keep the door open to reconciliation.
User138562
The way that you speak about her and encourage others to speak about her is very telling. I'm not saying it is all your fault, but I can see how your daughter may have a very different perception of how things happened. I can't imagine a truly 100% loving and caring parent who has done nothing wrong can speak about their child in that way.
I would think you would be more worried about her health if she truly had "false memory syndrome" and is as fragile as you describe her. It sounds like you are more worried about yourself, and possibly missing out on things.
I'm a low support needs/level one autistic adult daughter and my recollection of my upbringing is very different than my mother's recollection of it. And it doesn't mean either of us is lying or making it up. We just have very different perspectives, both of which are valid.
I think you should just back off, because she clearly needs some space. Maybe she will come back and maybe not.
Carrying on like you were a 100% wonderful loving mother and she is a fragile difficult daughter who is now lying about her fantastic upbringing for fun will never lead to repair though. There needs to be respect from both sides for both perspectives.
So maybe you both have some growing up to do and you're both in charge of yourselves here.
This rings true to me. I help my mother with her daily needs, but if you listen to the way she talks about me you would think she doesn't like much about me. Helping people who are resentful is hard. If she were speaking about me she would say Im too sensitive and that I don't let her talk about anything.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
OnlyOneXX
I'm sorry this is happening to you, it sounds terrible. Does she want to drop the reins issue? I know it's not fair and you deserve to be cleared but is bringing it up causing more problems than it's worth?
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