when love seems to have gone....

Particularly the leg of lamb!

Old thread I suddenly realised but I enjoyed it anyway!

I would agree that expecting a relationship to stay exactly the same is unrealistic. As we live our life experiences inevitably change us and hopefully we grow and even grow closer together through the sharing of them. We experience pangs of grief and sorrow as well as moments of pure joy and run the gamut of everything else in between and that is what life is.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says it all and is worth looking at as a reminder. 50 years ago this year DH and I vowed to love, honour and cherish until death us do part and we don't intend anything else. We have both changed in appearance as we have grown old together but DH gallantly says I will always be the same for him. As we age what we can physically do changes too so any expectation of maintaining the same in old age as in our twenties is is quite frankly barking mad. I think if we now attempted what we did in our prime we would be going rather swiftly, under a blue light, to A&E!

Relationships are complex, clearly we can't get on with our other half all the time. There are ups and downs and sometimes you feel like ringing their neck but that's life isn't it.
If you most of the time you rub along don't suffer abuse or disloyalty or betrayal have a laugh and share the sad time together I guess that's the best we can have.
It's not like when you first met it was never going to be if you are realistic.
My husband and I don't live in each others pockets we have our own interests and share some interests I am happy.

Jalima i think contentment is a very under rated emotion, in fact i dont think the younger generations have even heard of it never mind experienced it.

yes, it is lovely kitty and was one of the the pieces read out at DD2 wedding,
I have always liked it.

It's very difficult financially for many women following divorce. There can be problems getting credit, dealing with energy companies and domestic contractors if they haven't held accounts in their own name. For a lot of women, just managing as a singleton comes as a shock once the euphoria of escape has evaporated! I know unhappy women who stay put but I understand why.
There are times my OH irritates me enormously but we enjoy many things together, still find plenty to chat about and are best friends for each other I'd say. We do have separate hobbies and I wish we had more mutual friends but oh well, you can't have everything. I love the leg of lamb joke, that'll be useful in future I'm sure.

I'd personally rather be on my own than in something that makes me unhappy. Yes, life really is too short.

What do you really want? Life is too short to be unhappy, be brave x

Well said Luckygirl

Very true Luckygirl - I am happier with my life and my husband than I have ever been- we know each other so well.
If you want continual excitement of 'being in love' you are never going to be happy.
I was forced into dating in mid life and having a best friend who can make you laught and wants to be with you - but gives you space is far better than 'sparkle'.

Roses, that sonnet sums it up for me - I just love it.

I agree Luckygirl,companionship, shared values, and peace of mind are another expression of love. Again the media hypes up excitement,passion, sex as the main way of loving a partner. This is patently not true judging by the comments on this thread.
I think NanaandGrampy got it just about right.

No-one can expect to stay the same over 30, 40, 50 or even 60 years. It is just not how life is.

I think it is a question of valuing what you have: at the beginning the excitement and passion is a wonderful thing; but so is the warm companionship that lacks urgency and immediacy but is comfortable, with shared experiences acting as the glue.

I do not think that either are better or worse; they are both to be enjoyed and valued. I think that many marriages fall apart because of the expectation that the first sparkle will last decades - it usually doesn't, but that need not mean that what takes its place is not also good and to be treasured.

I no longer consider myself to be in love with H but I do love him.
The difference in my mind is between when I used to count the minutes and hours until I next saw him, when a kiss would make me see stars etc. Now we have an easy contenment (yes that word again) we laugh we enjoy each others company, we do things to help each other and I'd hate to be without him and I know the feeling is mutual. Until the next time I reach for the leg of lamb

I'm in such a relationship. Sometimes it saddens me; sometimes I think of it as an opportunity to do my own thing without judgement. I have my reasons for staying-I have a dd still at school, for example. That makes life difficult; when she flies, the situation will be much different, as I'm not married and I therefore have no entitlement to stay in the house (his house).

I could go. We've grown apart. He's been unfaithful. I'm not ready to forgive, and he hasn't asked for it.

He used to be my soulmate. . I don't mean that in a cheesy sense, but we used to do everything together; shop, travel, spend time. No more.

Love alters not, when alteration finds.
We shouldn't expect to be the same person ourselves, so our DH won't be as he was (in his twenties.) A lot of men get grumpier with age ( and some women too) and quiet contentment seems a lovely thing to me.

morethan2 your post reminded me of this song from Fiddler on the Roof:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0

Quite a few of my friends who are retired are with their long term partners now as a matter of convenience, ie financial, GCs etc but they are not necessarily unhappy, just do their own thing. I think we constantly change throughout life's different stages, which is healthy, and perhaps it is unrealistic to expect to "love" and live with the same person for most of our lives. We do not necessarily keep the same friends throughout life, and the ones we do we don't usually live with! You are lucky if you are close and happy and have moved on together, but don't think it is in any way the norm.

I agree with your last sentence Stansgran
He has just asked me to sort something out and gone off to do something more interesting.
I've only got lamb shanks in the freezer - would they be enough?

Quite NandG. DH still makes my insides shiver when I see him and he does make me laugh. I often feel divorce never but murder frequently. His inability to deal with technology alone is worth a leg of lamb .

I agree with n&g (apart from the leg of lamb!) and I think Anya's point about boredom is spot on.

And a sense of humour is vital!

Morethan,you said you would be lost without him. I think that says it all. He probably feels the same. That sort of inter dependence is the stuff love is made of.

A friend once wished a newly married couple 'contentment'. Someone said 'surely you mean happiness?'. She said happiness could come and go and the first delirious happiness would fade, but as long as they were 'contented' with each other the marriage would last.

Actually morethan I think that IS love.

The intense early flame of love burns incredibly brightly buts if there is no substance behind it burns out equally fast.

Love is about friendship in my opinion , the ability to make me laugh is a huge plus. I , like you, have considered Grampy's demise ( a leg of lamb was the weapon of choice ) But I would be bereft without him.

What I do know is we make a great team , we compliment each other and our family is everything to us.

My sister is plainly unhappy in her marriage but will not give up the benefits of a well paid husband and a house in an expensive area.

If it were me - Id be gone like a shot- money is nothing without happiness.