when love seems to have gone....

Loads, I'd say.

You can hear them in the supermarket. Sad.

I'm sure there are many who don't want to upset the apple cart.

Maybe some of them even stick to their marriage vows as vows .

Not that that's a criticism of people whose marriages end for whatever reason.

Oh that's a really sad thought

I know of a couple of women,and it's both money.and they're both horrible

I know one or two women who are scared of being alone or of starting a new life. It's difficult for some people to cope alone, not speaking about women who are hurt or abused in any way just no love there any more.

I am quite sure there are thousands who have settled for a quiet life especially if there are few demands and a comfortable and financially stable life.

I agree, ann, and there's a lot to be said for simple companionship in older age.

Of course it's different if there's genuine dislike or one partner is abusive or over-controlling.

Sometimes far far more complex....

I find this kind of question really unsettling. I've been married to the same man for 40+years. He's a really good man, he's a wonderful father and grandfather. My children adore him. Our marriage is solid and together we provide a stable loving support for the family. The vows we made are an important part of our marriage but that's because they've been reasonably easy to keep(no abuse or affairs. I know it's not that easy for some) He somtimes gets on my nerves, he somtimes takes me for granted as I do him. There are times when I could smother him with a pillow. He can be a social embarrassment because of his low self esteem and his deafness means he's not always comfortable in large crowds so we don't socialise as much as I'd like. He has his own hobbies and I have mine. We're mostly comfortable with each other and he makes me laugh. I care about him a lot, I'd be lost with out him. Is that technically love? We don't drool over each other, my heart doesn't beat faster at the thought of seeing him. Our relationship is nothing like when we were first married. One of my relations has a Turkish lover old enough to be her grandson. He spends all her money,shes being unfaithful to her partner of 20 years because she saŷs "he's a bit boring and now they are more like brother and sister" she certainly doesn't look happy even though as she says "but I love him" Her relationship with her family is in tatters and all because she loves him. Well there's no way I'd do what she done in the name of love.

Do you have a personal perspective on this. Sue?

I don't know anyone like that, I don't think. I can think of people of my parents generation who appeared to be in loveless marriages.

It certainly doesn't apply to me - I look forward to seeing dh when he's not there and, I think, he feels the same.

Love takes many forms and mutates over the years. No one form of it is better than others.

I know quite a few women in their 40s and 50s who are unwilling to 'upset the applecart'
I bumped into someone just yesterday in this situation.

If he still makes you laugh morethan that's wonderful. It's being bored to death that's the killer.

This is really a matter of growing old together, isn't it? We get used to each others' ways, and enjoy their company on occasions, but there are other times (on both sides!) when we could willing murder the other one. I am sure lots of women settle for security, which I think brings some happiness, I also think that the older generation is more able to accept life as it is, which in itself gives contentment, although it may not seem so to the outside world.

Actually morethan I think that IS love.

The intense early flame of love burns incredibly brightly buts if there is no substance behind it burns out equally fast.

Love is about friendship in my opinion , the ability to make me laugh is a huge plus. I , like you, have considered Grampy's demise ( a leg of lamb was the weapon of choice ) But I would be bereft without him.

What I do know is we make a great team , we compliment each other and our family is everything to us.

My sister is plainly unhappy in her marriage but will not give up the benefits of a well paid husband and a house in an expensive area.

If it were me - Id be gone like a shot- money is nothing without happiness.

A friend once wished a newly married couple 'contentment'. Someone said 'surely you mean happiness?'. She said happiness could come and go and the first delirious happiness would fade, but as long as they were 'contented' with each other the marriage would last.

Morethan,you said you would be lost without him. I think that says it all. He probably feels the same. That sort of inter dependence is the stuff love is made of.

I agree with n&g (apart from the leg of lamb!) and I think Anya's point about boredom is spot on.

And a sense of humour is vital!

Quite NandG. DH still makes my insides shiver when I see him and he does make me laugh. I often feel divorce never but murder frequently. His inability to deal with technology alone is worth a leg of lamb .

I agree with your last sentence Stansgran
He has just asked me to sort something out and gone off to do something more interesting.
I've only got lamb shanks in the freezer - would they be enough?

Quite a few of my friends who are retired are with their long term partners now as a matter of convenience, ie financial, GCs etc but they are not necessarily unhappy, just do their own thing. I think we constantly change throughout life's different stages, which is healthy, and perhaps it is unrealistic to expect to "love" and live with the same person for most of our lives. We do not necessarily keep the same friends throughout life, and the ones we do we don't usually live with! You are lucky if you are close and happy and have moved on together, but don't think it is in any way the norm.

morethan2 your post reminded me of this song from Fiddler on the Roof:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_y9F5St4j0