90 yr old ‘spoiling’ our Bridge group

FarNorth

If you are right behind the 4 in front, then surely they are right in front of your 4?
I'm glad I don't play golf. Sounds too stressful.

oh yes- and a good walk spoiled.

No, it means the game moves at a steady pace. I have seen players dither and practice a shot, change the club, then walk back to their bag which they should have already brought up to the ball. After about 5 minutes the group behind are waiting and the stress has been caused by not knowing the etiquette.
It can be a stressful game and is often played by people who will quickly tell you off.

If you are right behind the 4 in front, then surely they are right in front of your 4?
I'm glad I don't play golf. Sounds too stressful.

I think bridge and golf have something in common. In golf you are supposed to be right behind the 4 in front not right in front of the 4 behind. It's etiquette and can cause a lot of ill feeling.
I once got paired with a very slow lady and when I reminded her that the men behind were getting annoyed and suggested waving them through she said, 'let them wait, we're not in any hurry.
Never again.

Yes, punctuation! It was the lady with the notes who claimed to be stupid herself. She knows notes are not allowed but I believe she has tried this when playing at the club. In house bridge we said nothing so as not to offend.
As for your slow lady, if she is playing at a club where you move tables , she is spoiling it for the whole room and would be better playing a friendly game away from the competition.

You could look at this from the other side, you say 90 year old spoiling our group, maybe she is thinking ‘impatient person spoiling our group’.

Either the Bridge group is intended a s social get-together with bridge as a social focus, or it's intended for serious bridge players who have a level of skill. The group leader should make this clear.

I'd have thought that this group is large enough for there to be some control over the level of skill. Some topics , e.g. creative writing, or beginners' groups , can include poor players, however from the little I know of bridge it's a game of skill.

Readog

She’s 90. She’s going out. She’s playing. She obviously enjoys. Either all move around the tables or just accept that she is a marvellous 90 year old who is still active and socially interacting.

Exactly- why not take it in turn to be her patient 'buddy' to help her with her game? That is what OH and group do with their wonderful, amazing 100 year old.

It will be you next, perhaps.

Mallin I love your suggestion!
I'd like to be one of his "infants".

BTW my mother-in-law played bridge with U3A (and elsewhere) joining a new (and she thought, better) group when she moved house at 96.

She unfortunately had a TIA at 97 and voluntarily "retired" pretty much at once as she knew she was slower. Afterwards when asked why she wasn't wanting to go anymore she said it's not nice being slower and how very annoying it was for others if you were too slow.

Since then she has learnt Bezique and looks forward to her Bezique afternoons. She has never played Bezique before by the way. She is now 99.

I belong to a popular group and our leader decided that she would permit an elderly lady with dementia to join the group. She was dropped off by her family and left to be 'looked after' by the rest of us. It was a double edged sword. She was very nice and had some lucid memories to chat over but could not remember short term. Some members gave up going because she depressed them, (they were in their 70s) and other were nothing but kind. Was she a vision they feared of themselves in a few years? Here go I but for the grace of God!

Sweetpeasue

Your personal experience of this, with your dear father, touched me greatly. Wise words.

Thank you. I think that this has made me a better person. If I find myself being irritated by someone being slow in the supermarket, for example. I always ask myself, ‘what would you do if this was dad? How would you want someone to speak to him?’ Kindness costs so little, but can be transformative.

Your personal experience of this, with your dear father, touched me greatly. Wise words.

I am generally in the ‘if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all’ camp. But… I read your thread and thought it was so mean spirited.

My lovely late father was widowed the day after his 80th birthday. My mother was 72 and had a terrible, painful death. They loved each other dearly and had been married 50 years. Dad was the bravest person I have ever known. Never complained, he was absolutely inspirational.

Having been a brilliant bridge player at university, he began to play and socialise a little. He often won trophys. After a few years he began to slow down and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.

He knew he was no longer as sharp, but carried on playing until his bridge partner made some terribly cutting remarks. I don’t think I have ever seen anything more sad than the pain, hurt and confusion in his eyes. He never went out again and only socialised with his us, his family.

Before you say or do anything, consider what you might do to this person. Is it really much more than a minor irritation to you? This might be her only connection to the world. One day you might be in her shoes…

This has recently happened at the golf club. The Captain set up a new group naming it the Platinum Section. Subtle but not offensive. It seems to be working for those that dwindle, or have memory or numerical issues etc. Lots of support is provided with scores etc.

DH plays bridge with a group of mainly older ladies. One is 100 and still very bright, but a bit slow. There is one lady who is painfully slow and hesitant- but she is 72.

At then end of the day (or year, or next ...) it might be you, or the one who says 'please try to speed up'. Karma.

I don't think it's mean to have a generous length timer. It depends on the activity, doesn't it?

Bridge is demanding whereas other U3A groups can afford slow bits (or even dropping off) and people still enjoy themselves.

I think the needs are to be as every bit as kind as possible but have gentle boundaries.

Eventually make it possible for people to keep coming but "observe" or work as partners - ie some of the players work in "2's"?

Groups can spilt up altogether with this sort of thing if benign solutions aren't worked out.
Then everyone loses out.

It's good to see you're thinking of kind solutions.
The 'spoiling it for everyone' line seems quite selfish to me, if there has been no effort to find a solution.
There used to be a similar lady at a Scrabble group I once attended.
One other lady made quite cutting comments to begin with but fortunately, as we didn't move tables, she could just choose to sit away from the slow lady while there were others who didn't mind slow games.

Perhaps play for longer until the game is finished?

It's not difficult. You are either kind or you are not. I hope you do not slow down when you are 90. It is sad to read this post

As a collective you could all gently say “right time is of the essence lets speed up a little with this game please”

It is a difficult one. We have similar problems with our U3A play reading group. There are some who lose their place, fall asleep, forget which part they are reading, or read someone else’s- It would make a good comedy actually but for those of us who can still read and concentrate, it is annoying- however, they are enjoying themselves and we might all be like that before too long. So we put up with it and keep going with nudges and reminders😂😂 It’s a tough one- good luck 😉

This happened years ago when my husband played scrabble with family members. Eventually they used an egg timer on him - it did work!!

I like the idea of a timer - that way everyone is subject to the deadline, not just singling out one person. Fair!

I think it’s fantastic you have two 90 yr olds who are gamers! Out and having fun!
USA Gundy

I can’t help feeling sorry for this very game 90 year old
I totally agree Seahaye my friends husband was horribly booted out of his walking football my some younger members and it hurt him a lot and put extra weight on his wives shoulders
I think a two tiered group would be the best way forward

Typo alert : 'Unwelcome' not unwell