We seemed to have established (unbeknowingly) a family tradition. DH has 3 grownup children, all with partners, one of these children has 3 children, 2 of which now have partners, and then there is the daughter-in-laws mother who has dementia, and there is also is the d-i-laws cousin who is also tagged along. Apart from that, of the other 2 adult children in DHs family, one has a wife and young child, the other has a partner. Then there is DH’s sister and other half. I think we’re about up to 17 now.
My husband loves this, I understand it’s great to have family around, but it’s a lot of work for him because he loves doing the cooking, and now he has begun to feel that he is sweating away in the kitchen when he would love to be relaxing and chatting with family. And there’s also the expense. Last year we thought we’d do it differently and booked a dining room at the local Garden Centre. We did ask everyone to contribute ahead which they did except for the large family with the extra friends and relatives. They pleaded poverty and said they couldn’t afford to contribute (although I think, to be fair, the cousin paid for herself). So guess what, DH (and me) paid for them. We don’t have a big house; we used to seat everyone round a table, then it grew to 2 tables with no room to move around. Now it’s even bigger numbers.
Last year at the Garden Centre went quite well, less hassle, food ok, but I suppose it didn’t really work because one lot opted out. This year I think it’ll be the same old, same old, and I can’t see DH doing anything about sorting this out and maybe more people will be added to the group.
My family aren’t any part of this, and to be fair I don’t think they’d want to be. I have 2 adult children with partners, and I plan to see them sometime over Christmas!
For this year, as DH seems up for it, they’ll all be congregating here again. Has anyone any ideas? I thought we could have a buffet, maybe everyone could contribute something to the feast, however when it comes vegetables etc, I know DH will want to organise that. We will buy the turkey, and no doubt the trimmings etc. So that leaves puddings and cakes. DH will definitely want to buy the wine! Any suggestions gratefully received.
Quite simply tell everyone that you can no longer manage to organise the event and ask if someone else would like to take on the responsibility of organising it.
if no one volunteers then, sadly, that is the end of it.
We are 18 now and have moved this family chaos to Christmas Eve. We now have a lovely lazy Christmas day with just, usually, four or five of us.
Those with small children don't have to get over here for a particular time and can now lounge about in pyjamas as long as they like.
For 2 years recently my oldest daughter has "taken on" Christmas Eve as she has had a kitchen/diner extension. That was really lovely!
So, normally now, on Christmas Eve we have a take-away. A massive order of Thai, Chinese or Indian foods for example.
Everyone chips in whatever they can/want to and all bring things to drink and/or a pudding or cheese.
We all have a jolly time but with way less effort.
We can fit round our table if the toddlers are on laps instead of high-chairs. At my daughter's we need 2 tables. This year there may only be 15 of us.
We will be suggesting a "pot luck supper" this year (as we did on New Year's Eve with friends when we lived in America). Everyone would bring something but I won't organise what. It usually balances out. We do these with our family once in the Spring and usually once in the Summer too and everyone is perfectly happy.
I hope you are able to sort something out.
Definitely everyone brings a dish (they tell you in advance what they'll bring so you don't end up with 13 Christmas puddings)
nandad poor woman!
Perhaps the problem is thst MIL has always happily done this and they are just not thinking that she's older and can't do what she used to do.
She needs to be more assertive and they need to be more considerate!
Even just the preparation for a big family get together and meal is harder now we're older but ours do help or even take over when they arrive, and always help to clear up afterwards.
How about making it a 'Pot Luck Christmas' ie everyone brings a dish and to make sure there aren't 'doubles' make a list and ask people to put their name next to the dish /item they will bring.
For those who can't afford eating out this makes it easier for them.
Cooking the Christmas meal is hard hard work even for fewer people. Look after yourself and let your husband cook/ coordinate as he wants.
Nandad you sound like a caring and lovely person.
Sorry pressed send too soon.
Tell his children they have to help, you decide how. If they love it so much they will step up. If they don’t, then they clearly don’t care that much.
Appalling behaviour especially by the DiL who brings her relatives.
My friend goes to her PiL every Christmas with her DH and 2 adult daughters. Her 2 SiLs go taking their OHs plus their AC and partners, a total of 16 + 3 young children. Last year she told me her MiL had struggled to cope, she’s 73. She does Christmas dinner then a buffet in the evening and gets a little help from my friend. Discussing this with my friend she clearly doesn’t see her and her family are part of the problem as they take M&S buffet food with them but don’t help to cook it as they are too busy playing games. No one helps with the clearing up or sits the poor woman down with a cup of tea. They expect games and other entertainment. My friend’s husband insists his mum loves it. Not sure how he knows this because he hasn’t asked her poor woman. It makes me so angry on her behalf.
OP. It is a matter of setting your own boundaries. With yourself, and also your DH.
But I suppose what you dont know about, is how the "large family" will react.
My guess is that if you sound them out in plenty of time, things might not then even happen as they say it would?
Dinahmo
A bit different I know but I'm secretary to a couple of associations and so am responsible for organising the food for an "auberge espagnol" from time to time. Everybody is asked to bring a dish and, to avoid several plates of sausage rolls, I ask people to let me know what they will be bringing. Often they will as me what I'm short so I just tell them sweet or savoury.
When going to someone for dinner people will often bring a dessert, usually a tarte of some sort. At craft fairs people sell special canvas bags for carrying tartes horizontally.
Yes, we've organised gatherings (well, a neighbour who is good at organising does!) and a basic list is written out then people volunteer savoury dishes or desserts or someone will bring various breads or salads.
A bit different I know but I'm secretary to a couple of associations and so am responsible for organising the food for an "auberge espagnol" from time to time. Everybody is asked to bring a dish and, to avoid several plates of sausage rolls, I ask people to let me know what they will be bringing. Often they will as me what I'm short so I just tell them sweet or savoury.
When going to someone for dinner people will often bring a dessert, usually a tarte of some sort. At craft fairs people sell special canvas bags for carrying tartes horizontally.
Shelflife
I am in the same predicament! Last year I said ' no ' my son very generously did Christmas dinner. Family and extended family now total 19! We have the most space and I feel everyone is looking at me !!!! I feel I should do it this year , I have cooked a meal for everyone on Christmas Day many times . As I and DH are getting older it is becoming a chore rather than a pleasure. It a mammoth task and DH is good at setting the tables , pouring drinks etc., but of no use in the kitchen. When I think of all the preparation followed by the cooking I feel very anxious. Not sure what to do !?
Let them take over the kitchen!
You could sit with a glass of wine or whatever while they cook and then wash up.
For this year, as DH seems up for it, they’ll all be congregating here again
Only if you say so!!
If he's insistent and you are willing, then write a list/spreadsheet of food, decide what you can do (turkey, ham perhaps), contact them all beforehand with what you want them to bring so they don't duplicate, and everyone should be bringing a bottle of wine anyway.
Terribull yes, it works well.
People even take a cake or biscuits if they're invited for coffee!
When I was in Australia (not at Christmas) at large gatherings, everyone brought a dish, pudding or side dish or even meat to be barbecued, so the onus wasn't on the hosts to provide everything. Given their climate more suitable for large gatherings, seemed very well thought out to me.
Oreo
Sasta
Semiruralgirl: ‘We did ask everyone to contribute ahead which they did except for the large family with the extra friends and relatives. They pleaded poverty and said they couldn’t afford to contribute………….’
Gordon Bennet! What about the money they are saving on not buying everything for a Christmas day at home? Perhaps they wouldn’t invite quite so many if they were doing the work and paying for it all themselves. You and your husband are extremely tolerant.Just what I think 😬
Anyone must have a big house to seat all those people, and the cost!
A buffet is the best way forward if you really have to do it, with a cooked turkey and another joint, ham or beef to slice up cold, served with all sorts of veg or salads.Buy ready made puddings.
I felt tired just reading your post OP 😲
I think it is complete nonsense to say they can't afford to contribute.. they'd have to eat and buy food in their own homes.. such scroungers
Sasta
*Semiruralgirl*: ‘We did ask everyone to contribute ahead which they did except for the large family with the extra friends and relatives. They pleaded poverty and said they couldn’t afford to contribute………….’
Gordon Bennet! What about the money they are saving on not buying everything for a Christmas day at home? Perhaps they wouldn’t invite quite so many if they were doing the work and paying for it all themselves. You and your husband are extremely tolerant.
Just what I think 😬
Anyone must have a big house to seat all those people, and the cost!
A buffet is the best way forward if you really have to do it, with a cooked turkey and another joint, ham or beef to slice up cold, served with all sorts of veg or salads.Buy ready made puddings.
I felt tired just reading your post OP 😲
I am in the same predicament! Last year I said ' no ' my son very generously did Christmas dinner. Family and extended family now total 19! We have the most space and I feel everyone is looking at me !!!! I feel I should do it this year , I have cooked a meal for everyone on Christmas Day many times . As I and DH are getting older it is becoming a chore rather than a pleasure. It a mammoth task and DH is good at setting the tables , pouring drinks etc., but of no use in the kitchen. When I think of all the preparation followed by the cooking I feel very anxious. Not sure what to do !?
This sounds lovely but it could be even better by becoming a joint venture..I would give everyone a couple of dishes to make including the turkey and ham and tell them that you are just providing the wine. You could even book a local church hall. Give yourselves a well deserved rest.
Stay home alone with husband on Christmas Day. Offer the relatives a cold buffet on Boxing Day, everyone bring a dish. Like it or lump it, if you're not happy, don't come.
Ps. I used to do Christmas dinner for years before my dd took over.
The growing family resonates. My dd has more dining room capacity and for some years she would do a Christmas Eve dinner and they relax on Christmas Day. I always did a New Years Day Dinner which was fine but as the numbers and table management etc grew I began to worry about the three course meal which became more of a worry as I aged. Then one day I announced casually that at 80 Iwas getting past it. My dd and everyone else understood and said they were all set up for bigger numbers. We take them out for a meal a little while later when they are all free. My “no I can’t do it any more “ was a revelation.
We all live too far apart to have big gatherings every year, thankfully. We do one family at a time, and the other families meet up elsewhere. We tend to do three or four large family gatherings through the year when the weather is nice, and all meet up for the day in a designated spot. Not everyone makes it all the time, but we all see each other at least twice a year across the whole family so Christmas is not such a big deal. We had one on in North Wales a month ago, and 40 people turned up - that includes cousins and in-laws, who are all invited if they want to come.
You cope by stopping doing what you're no longer really coping with.
Previous posters have made several suggestions as to how.
With the COL this seems to be a perfect excuse/reason to cut down on expenditure and step back from hosting large family gatherings (which many people hate but are too polite to say so). So why not just say that as you are getting older and with the added expense that you are going to pass this year and let someone else organize things.
Its amazing how people can dig their heels in over christmas even when they realise not everyone wants to participate!
Once my grandmother died in 1979 I stopped celebrating christmas. Every year my mother would start the dreaded "what are you doing for christmas" conversation from the beginning of novemeber and I used to hate it. You can only say "I dont know, I havnt made any plans" so many times and hope they get the hint that you want to opt out. In the end I did opt out for a couple of years by arranging to go to a non christian country (Morocco, Egypt etc) for a couple of weeks. After that I just told them I was going to be away as they had no means of checking up.
Firstly I think you and your husband need to discuss the situation and come to agreement as to what to do.
Personally, we would tell everyone that we don’t feel able to do the whole thing ourselves and ask each of them to provide part of the spread.
Write a list of your usual treats e.g cakes & biscuits, puddings, savoury snacks, vegetables , table decors etc. etc.
Get them to tick off what they will be bringing.
Also just because I is your house t doesn’t mean you have to do all the work. Make sure they all help with, table laying, veg peeling & washing up.
If they don’t like it , at least you won’t even have to have the conversation next year.
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