Christmas entertaining, how do we cope with ever increasing family numbers?

You just say you're getting on a bit now, cannot do it all much as you'd love to.

You ask whose house you will, all be congregating at this year - they're adults now and can step up to take their turns!

Good heavens, I couldn't cope with all that! My suggestion would be to make a booking somewhere then as there are so many people treat it like a work do. Everyone sends you their choice from the menu and their money, then you pay the venue. Or better still, tell them the place, date and the time and get them to book and pay for their own group.

If you want to pay for other family groups that's your choice but they do sound like freeloaders if they expect you to pay for them.

Either you or your DH need to have a conversation with his adult children. Be frank - it's too much for you to do, time for a change. What do they suggest / want?

Maybe everybody secretly feels the same and will look forward to doing things differently.

Buffet style bring and share? Maybe you provide the turkey and, say a ham, which can be cooked the day before, and sliced up on the day, and the wine as you said DH likes to provide that, but ask certain groups to bring other specific items such as veg, (prepped) potatoes, (prepped) puddings, (made and ready to go), trimmings (prepped), so it doesn’t all fall on you.

However, it really sounds as if it’s becoming a big issue for you, and deep down you can’t cope with so many people there on the same day, so you really do need to sit down with DH, now, whilst there’s still time for family to make other arrangements, and say to him that it’s all becoming too much and too expensive.

Instead of Christmas Day being the focus, instead maybe opt for a buffet on Boxing Day if your DH still insists on inviting everyone, but a bring and share buffet?

There is absolutely no way I could tolerate that arrangement!
Maybe you could book a restaurant where everyone has to pay a deposit? Anyone who turns up and cant pay for their meal can do the washing up or get arrested haha xxx

It sounds like your DH and you aren't quite ready to give it up if you look at what you want to have control over. And that's ok, but it then means you're stuck in the same situation. Perhaps the grown up children don't think of how difficult it has become because dad is dad. If you see what I mean. The freeloaders will continue to freeload unless you categorically tell them you aren't paying.
FL "It's too expensive for us."
Y "that's a pity. We hope to see you at some point over Christmas.
And don't back down!

We always cater for that type of number.
For several days.

Christmas Day alternates between us and another family.
Our house has room around tables[have trestle table as well as main table].
Other family struggles with room.
The whole thing is now spread around 3 downstairs rooms.
Even been known to put kids in the hall!

Some of us are part of a much bigger family group.
In that one, we hire a hall.
Christmas season but not the day itself.
And everyone brings something.
No one tells others what to bring.
We bring what we want to bring.
Doesnt matter what it is.
Works well.
If there are too many crisps, or not enough salad or something, well no matter. It is only one or two meals.
And if your food is not eaten you take it home again.
The hall has a kitchen available.

I should say about the several days bit, that that is then spread around three households, including ours.

If everyone is local why not try a “ gourmet gallop”?
Drinks and canapés at one house, starter another etc etc?

I think you may find it difficult to book a room and meal for such large numbers now, so perhaps grit your teeth for one last time, one last bash; and use the Christmas feast to announce that this is your last year as hosts, and let's discuss who is going to host/arrange next year?
Smile sweetly and do not be swayed by but 'you always do it; Christmas won't be Christmas without coming here etc, etc.

I did know one family with four adult children and grandchildren who all descended on their parents every Christmas until one year a brave daughter, hoping not to upset her mother, said: 'we would love it if you all came to us next year and we don't want to upset you mum ' whereupon mum said: 'I have been hoping for years someone else would do it, it's too much for us now; we would love to come!' and everyone in the family took it in turns after that.
Relief all round.

We are the same, and I was the. One who “did” it. But last year before Christmas I was proper poorly with covid and then flu and so my son took it on. We had a whale of a time and everyone voted to go there again, which seems a bit unfair, so my daughter has offered this year - at the moment I’m waiting for instructions😄.

It sounds horribly grabby and one-sided, I definitely wouldn’t be happy, let alone be able to afford it.
I suggest that DH asks his DCs to host for the next few years because he needs a break. If DH won’t then I’d take myself out for Christmas (I’m bah humbug anyway at the excessive cost of Christmas etc, sorry!)

Semiruralgirl: ‘We did ask everyone to contribute ahead which they did except for the large family with the extra friends and relatives. They pleaded poverty and said they couldn’t afford to contribute………….’
Gordon Bennet! What about the money they are saving on not buying everything for a Christmas day at home? Perhaps they wouldn’t invite quite so many if they were doing the work and paying for it all themselves. You and your husband are extremely tolerant.

I’m sure I’ve asked before on here how many people are actually doing exactly what they want at Christmas, and the answer was very few.
Why not ask everybody? You may be surprised, and they may prefer a Christmas Eve buffet or Boxing Day turkey sandwiches with Prosecco!
I’m going to the sun.

It sounds very much that your DH doesn’t want to give it all up just yet, but definitely needs to make it a less formal day.
I think the buffet idea sounds good, but I’d get him (after all it’s his family) to put the word out in advance, so those who don’t enjoy buffets can make alternative arrangements. DH can still be in charge of the drinks, but he’ll be able to join in the day and not be stuck in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove.

Firstly I think you and your husband need to discuss the situation and come to agreement as to what to do.
Personally, we would tell everyone that we don’t feel able to do the whole thing ourselves and ask each of them to provide part of the spread.
Write a list of your usual treats e.g cakes & biscuits, puddings, savoury snacks, vegetables , table decors etc. etc.
Get them to tick off what they will be bringing.
Also just because I is your house t doesn’t mean you have to do all the work. Make sure they all help with, table laying, veg peeling & washing up.
If they don’t like it , at least you won’t even have to have the conversation next year.

With the COL this seems to be a perfect excuse/reason to cut down on expenditure and step back from hosting large family gatherings (which many people hate but are too polite to say so). So why not just say that as you are getting older and with the added expense that you are going to pass this year and let someone else organize things.

Its amazing how people can dig their heels in over christmas even when they realise not everyone wants to participate!

Once my grandmother died in 1979 I stopped celebrating christmas. Every year my mother would start the dreaded "what are you doing for christmas" conversation from the beginning of novemeber and I used to hate it. You can only say "I dont know, I havnt made any plans" so many times and hope they get the hint that you want to opt out. In the end I did opt out for a couple of years by arranging to go to a non christian country (Morocco, Egypt etc) for a couple of weeks. After that I just told them I was going to be away as they had no means of checking up.

You cope by stopping doing what you're no longer really coping with.

Previous posters have made several suggestions as to how.

We all live too far apart to have big gatherings every year, thankfully. We do one family at a time, and the other families meet up elsewhere. We tend to do three or four large family gatherings through the year when the weather is nice, and all meet up for the day in a designated spot. Not everyone makes it all the time, but we all see each other at least twice a year across the whole family so Christmas is not such a big deal. We had one on in North Wales a month ago, and 40 people turned up - that includes cousins and in-laws, who are all invited if they want to come.

The growing family resonates. My dd has more dining room capacity and for some years she would do a Christmas Eve dinner and they relax on Christmas Day. I always did a New Years Day Dinner which was fine but as the numbers and table management etc grew I began to worry about the three course meal which became more of a worry as I aged. Then one day I announced casually that at 80 Iwas getting past it. My dd and everyone else understood and said they were all set up for bigger numbers. We take them out for a meal a little while later when they are all free. My “no I can’t do it any more “ was a revelation.

Ps. I used to do Christmas dinner for years before my dd took over.

Stay home alone with husband on Christmas Day. Offer the relatives a cold buffet on Boxing Day, everyone bring a dish. Like it or lump it, if you're not happy, don't come.

This sounds lovely but it could be even better by becoming a joint venture..I would give everyone a couple of dishes to make including the turkey and ham and tell them that you are just providing the wine. You could even book a local church hall. Give yourselves a well deserved rest.

I am in the same predicament! Last year I said ' no ' my son very generously did Christmas dinner. Family and extended family now total 19! We have the most space and I feel everyone is looking at me !!!! I feel I should do it this year , I have cooked a meal for everyone on Christmas Day many times . As I and DH are getting older it is becoming a chore rather than a pleasure. It a mammoth task and DH is good at setting the tables , pouring drinks etc., but of no use in the kitchen. When I think of all the preparation followed by the cooking I feel very anxious. Not sure what to do !?