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Surprising DNA results.

(65 Posts)
baubles Wed 15-May-19 08:59:30

I have a bit of a dilemma surrounding a possible newly discovered first cousin. I haven’t submitted my DNA but two of my paternal 1st cousins (different parents but both siblings of my father) and their children have done. They have been contacted through Ancestry by someone who’s DNA shows that they are the first cousin to one and a half sibling of the other. That would also make her my first cousin.

The person who’s possibly her half brother has not replied to her message and I can understand that he’s probably in shock. His parents are still alive although very elderly.

My problem is that I’m the only one of her many cousins who lives in the same country, quite close by in fact. I do feel that I’d like to meet up with her at some point but I’m concerned that it would be weird when my uncle, her father, doesn’t know if her existence.

She has contacted me, I have built an extended tree on Ancestry so at least she can see where she came from.
Would it be wrong for me to accept her and have some kind of relationship when her closest relatives won’t do the same.

baubles Wed 15-May-19 09:08:11

I should add that she believes that the man she thinks is her father (my father’s brother) has never known of her existence. He and her mother were very young at the time and my uncle emigrated a few years later. I’m not sure if they had an actual relationship.

Urmstongran Wed 15-May-19 09:14:21

Oh gosh, technology is so brilliant but has given you a dilemma here!

I’d say meet up. You are cousins and she lives nearby. Good you are taking time to mull it over. Go with your gut feeling. What’s right for you.

Best wishes whatever you decide!

Marelli Wed 15-May-19 09:26:10

Oh Baubles, this is so exciting! I would definitely meet up with her. It wouldn't be at all wrong. Good luck. Xx

Luckygirl Wed 15-May-19 09:26:27

If she wants to meet you, and you want to meet her, then do it. No need to broadcast it far and wide - just do it!

Dillyduck Wed 15-May-19 09:35:44

After years of trying to please others, I now do what I want, never mind anyone else.
You are clearly a family tree enthusiast, so get in touch and do whatever feels right for you.

luluaugust Wed 15-May-19 09:39:43

I would say meet up but don't necessarily expect too much to come from it and I would be very careful if she presses to meet the rest of the family, this must be each individuals decision. It would be interesting to hear what her story is and see if you can piece anything together. Good luck and hope it works out for you. If you feel you can do let us know how it goes.

polnan Wed 15-May-19 09:41:55

oh yes, if that we me, I would,, I have lost contact with my nephews, one niece, and cousins over the years... wish someone would contact me... I feel like an orphan, oh, well technically I am, but you know what I mean. grin
I don`t do this Ancestry stuff though.. they want money!

another grin

jaylucy Wed 15-May-19 09:46:52

This DNA tracing of family trees sometimes worries me, for the same reason as you are worried.
I am in contact with someone that is compiling my ex husband's family tree - he and I had started researching it from our side, before my son was born and it has always bugged me it wasn't finished. This person has sent me a lot of info that I am pleased about and as part of an email, asked if I knew anyone had worked in a certain other country because someone had had a DNA test and believed that one of the family members was their father. The only person it could be has passed away and the rest of his direct family have split off in different directions, his wife has health problems. I feel I am too far away to decide on if I should pass on any info but I feel that as far as you are concerned, you could arrange to meet this person, then if you feel comfortable, be the bridge to the other family members.

Gelisajams Wed 15-May-19 09:51:07

Like others have said do what feels right to you but don’t involve others. I recently got back in touch with a cousin who I have had no contact since childhood. Not quite the same, but it’s lovely to find new family as sadly we lose so many friends and family as we get older.

Feelingmyage55 Wed 15-May-19 09:57:49

How recently has this happened? Is there any rush? Take your time and if you do meet up, start gently so that you can withdraw without causing hurt if you don’t want to get more involved. Perhaps you can exchange messages and find out more before you decide whether or not to meet.

maxdecatt Wed 15-May-19 09:59:59

You have takem the trouble to research your family tree so why now back away from a connection? Of course you should meet. You may become firm friends or just passiung acquaintances....who knows. Meet her.

pita Wed 15-May-19 10:01:45

I have been doing my family tree for over 35 years now and I have come across some delicate situations much like yours.
You are doing the right thing and thinking about it all, but as long as its not going to cause a family rift somewhere by bringing it up, or the others dont really need to know you have met, whats the harm. As a fellow genealogist its always exciting meeting new relatives. Good Luck x

NanaSuzy Wed 15-May-19 10:02:05

Personally I would be extremely wary. There are so many scammers and fraudsters around these days. Plus I find these long-lost family issues a bit weird. However that's just me, and lots of other people feel quite differently of course. Just be careful would be my advice.

Sunflower48 Wed 15-May-19 10:03:47

Some of the people seeking close relatives can be searching for a ready made family if their own family is not very satisfactory.
I have encountered a situation like this with a cousin who was adopted at birth. not DNA but searching. Her birth mother was in her 80s and her offspring knew nothing of her existence. My adopted cousin went into meeting her new family in a very possessive way which upset the new family members. I offered to help as a go-between in a gentle way but she had very high expectations of her new family. She does not talk to me anymore.
When mothers gave away their babies in the old days, there were quite a few who wanted it all to stay in the past. I think a lot of these Find-Your-Lost Relatives programmes on TV cause a lot of grief for those whose birth families do not want contact.
I am a very family orientated mother and grandmother and my heart bleeds for this situation.

Annaram1 Wed 15-May-19 10:15:27

I think this is so thrilling!
I would definitely meet her. Especially as she is close. She wants to meet you and it would be nice to have a family member near you. Just think of the wonderful stories you can exchange.
My friend found out through Ancestry that she had a relative in Scotland, and although he was far away she made the trip and met him. They keep in touch by email. It was nice for her as she has very few relatives.
Don't worry about her father. He can be told some time, and it may be not until you and your cousin have met and chatted.
Good luck!

ReadyMeals Wed 15-May-19 10:26:12

I think it's entirely up to whether you have room for more relationships in your life. If you do, then make contact with her and let the rest of the family know in case they would like to as well.

grannytotwins Wed 15-May-19 10:36:02

I got a cousin match I didn’t recognise. Her daughter contacted me. Her mother had been desperate to find out who her grandmother’s father was. By using my tree, the mystery was uncovered. He had died in WW1. This cousin turned out to be someone I had known for years and I had met the daughter too. She has moved away from the area now, but I still find it strange that someone I knew for thirty years was a relative. It’s not a scam as someone posted earlier as you have to have a DNA match. I’d definitely meet with a newly found cousin. You could get on really well!

bingo12 Wed 15-May-19 10:36:21

Well - relatives can be a blessing and a curse! Good luck with your new one!

Theoddbird Wed 15-May-19 10:38:52

It is just more. Go for it

Sheilasue Wed 15-May-19 10:51:22

My niece has joined ancestry and found out things about our family. We had cousins in Australia in the 1900s we were contacted by a solicitor from Australia but they had never had children and were placed in a mental institution when they got older, we thought that was very sad.
We also found out that our fathers surname was not the name we were given, my gm who I never met had a children when she married my gf, so though she took his name when they married her older children had her name. Which was given to my brother as his middle name it was an unusual name but we never asked why.
So my niece found this information. We were not bothered apart from my older sister who was shocked at first.

PamGeo Wed 15-May-19 11:03:36

You have nothing to loose by meeting up with your cousin, I'm sure they are just as anxious as you are . I would follow your instincts with the situation as you obviously don't make impulsive decisions otherwise you wouldn't be asking for our opinions. It's an area you are interested in so you may find it fascinating, don't be disappointed if they just want to have some questions answered and then disappear back to their own lives content with this. Have fun and I hope you find it an enjoyable experience

baubles Wed 15-May-19 11:12:47

Thanks so much for all the responses. I’m out all day but will read them all this evening.

sylviann Wed 15-May-19 11:12:47

I'd let sleeping dog lie you might find thing that cause upset but it's your choice if you are prepared to deal with whatever transpires

GeminiJen Wed 15-May-19 11:19:19

Hi baubles...I'm with Marelli. Good luck. And do report back!