Surprising DNA results.

Similarly I have heard many unhappy adoption reunion stories

Adoption is different because there often IS a need to find out ones roots. So it IS often the right thing to do. But it is still so often problematic. So why open potential traumas unnecessarily when the relation is just a cousin? You dont NEED to meet cousins in the way an adoptee may have a need to meet birth parents

We have made contact with and met up with various cousins that were only found following family history research. And it has overall been a joyous thing.

We cannot change the past so why not explore. And if we open old secrets, surely as long as we are sensitive to those who could be impacted, and we recognize the frailty of human nature, we will meet new people and open up new horizons.

After all, we don't need to be closely linked to people we may not share anything with apart from DNA.

Gently and sensitively does it, and have fun.

I also have a cousin whose mother chose estrangement from the family for justified reasons at the time. The father was young and "off the rails" at the time.

Does that cousin really need to know that their mother was "wrong" because the father DID clean up his act in time for his subsequent children? (But not her)? No, I dont think so. I think her mother did what she thought was right at the time. I dont think it would be of any comfort to her to find out that her dad bothered to get clean for his other partner and kids, after not bothering for her and her mum. There is no going back in time now..

There is just too much to unravel there. I would never track down that cousin even if I happened to cross paths with them and recognised them by their name and age.

Also agree that these connections arent always positive, and not all estrangements were un-justified.

E.g. it is not uncommon for apparent family men to father other children through rape, there may have been good reason why a half sibling was hiden away, and if their mother is frail and elderly and perhaps unable to object, dont assume that surprise reunions will be happy for them..

The estrangements I know of from my parents and grandparents generations were for "reasons". I am not sure how much people really want to know? Would the grandchild of that great uncle who tracked us down and wants to fill in the gaps really want to know that the reason for the estrangement was paedophillia and incest?

I have been tracked down by a close relative who I did agree to meet but there was a drastic miss-match in expectations and I found them very full on and ended up pulling away. They wanted "instant family" and I just say them as a stranger who I happened to be related to but was happy to get to know, from scratch though. Not from a starting point of assuming we would be instantly close.

How reliable do you think these commercial DNA companies are? On a US chat show two identical twins took commercial DNA tests and got significantly different results.

I would personally steer well clear of commercial DNA companies and would not act on results that relatives who are stupid enough to PAY a company to gather their DNA data have recieved.

The raw DNA data is the goldmine. These companies arent thorough with how they interpret it to you and how they present your results back to you.

go for it. You can draw up a tree together, and you can use the info to ask your Dad more about the cousins, if you show him the tree, if he says positive things about them, maybe thats a way in, if he says negative things, well depends what it was. Might be that they moved away and just didn't have much contact
And get your DNA done! Dad's too if you can get him interested

omegal , I absolutely agree! An older member of my family had a baby adopted. I opted think of this child and hope they never try to find their birth mother. The shock would be horrendous. I really mean it. That family is nothing but distress and trouble.

So to all adopted people I would say, especially if you had a happy upbringing and loving family, leave well alone. The birth parent may have strong reasons for not having been able to keep you. Your adoptive parents are your true parents because they yearned for you and sought you and had you in their hearts even before they met you. Do not clutter up your life with looking backwards, you were meant for the loving parents who raised you.

NanaSuzy, I agree with you. I think the electronic social world tends to ignite our imaginations and inspire our hopes but reality is not the same. A first meeting would probably go well. But like you, I would be very wary. Even if this is a true blood relative, there could be problems. I think loyalty to your Aunt and Uncle in their old age is important too.

Definitely meet up. I have been doing my family history for about 35 years now and have met lots of cousins, and found out some wonderful things for my trees. I suggest you meet in a public place and ask her to bring her paperwork to you so you can check it out. Test the water! Exciting. Good luck.

I would be careful, as someone said Pandora's box and all that. I was contacted by a cousin of my husbands and quite honestly I felt I was being stalked and nagged into giving her information. She wanted to meet up with my husband who isn't remotely interested in his family tree. Then badgered to introduce her to other family members, which I didn't, and provide photos which I didn't have.

I would be wary. Be prepared beforehand for a good outcome or a bad outcome. Once you open Pandora's box its very hard to close it again. I say this as someone who was adopted and had just submitted by DNA to Ancestry but I wouldn't rush into getting in contact with anyone if they contacted me. You don't know what you are getting yourself into

Contact her and tell her this is a rather strange and slightly awkward situation for you so you'd prefer to take things slowly. Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch somewhere (not your home) so that you can first decide whether she seems genuine, and whether you actually like her and want to know her better. You can then exchange family history anecdotes and selected information and think about whether you want to accept her as part of the family. You don't have to tell the rest of your family about her unless it should become necessary.

That is pretty much what I did when I was contacted by an unknown cousin in America. Fifteen years on we are still in contact and good friends.

I sometimes wonder when long lost families 'find' each other if they remain friends, or do they later discover they don't have much in common or don't even like each other!

Take it carefully - and let us know what happens.

All I know is that blood is most definitely not thicker than water. All the best relationships in our funny family are down to those who wanted to form them and nurture them. I am not counselling against it but a cousin relationship is not that close and it would be easier for you to keep your emotional distance. There are people closer than you who could have their lives upset so be discrete and perhaps a disinterested 'chaperone' might be helpful at any meetings.

oh I would definitely meet up

Thanks to the internet my English family made contact with cousins whose Mum ( my aunty), had died soon after emigrating to Australia.
We have met up several times in England, and thanks to their amazing hospitality I had a wonderful holiday in Australia. I love them all!
Maybe friendships won't always work, but when they do it can be magical.
Best Wishes x

Hi baubles...I'm with Marelli. Good luck. And do report back!

I'd let sleeping dog lie you might find thing that cause upset but it's your choice if you are prepared to deal with whatever transpires

Thanks so much for all the responses. I’m out all day but will read them all this evening.

You have nothing to loose by meeting up with your cousin, I'm sure they are just as anxious as you are . I would follow your instincts with the situation as you obviously don't make impulsive decisions otherwise you wouldn't be asking for our opinions. It's an area you are interested in so you may find it fascinating, don't be disappointed if they just want to have some questions answered and then disappear back to their own lives content with this. Have fun and I hope you find it an enjoyable experience

My niece has joined ancestry and found out things about our family. We had cousins in Australia in the 1900s we were contacted by a solicitor from Australia but they had never had children and were placed in a mental institution when they got older, we thought that was very sad.
We also found out that our fathers surname was not the name we were given, my gm who I never met had a children when she married my gf, so though she took his name when they married her older children had her name. Which was given to my brother as his middle name it was an unusual name but we never asked why.
So my niece found this information. We were not bothered apart from my older sister who was shocked at first.

It is just meeting...no more. Go for it

Well - relatives can be a blessing and a curse! Good luck with your new one!

I got a cousin match I didn’t recognise. Her daughter contacted me. Her mother had been desperate to find out who her grandmother’s father was. By using my tree, the mystery was uncovered. He had died in WW1. This cousin turned out to be someone I had known for years and I had met the daughter too. She has moved away from the area now, but I still find it strange that someone I knew for thirty years was a relative. It’s not a scam as someone posted earlier as you have to have a DNA match. I’d definitely meet with a newly found cousin. You could get on really well!

I think it's entirely up to whether you have room for more relationships in your life. If you do, then make contact with her and let the rest of the family know in case they would like to as well.

I think this is so thrilling!
I would definitely meet her. Especially as she is close. She wants to meet you and it would be nice to have a family member near you. Just think of the wonderful stories you can exchange.
My friend found out through Ancestry that she had a relative in Scotland, and although he was far away she made the trip and met him. They keep in touch by email. It was nice for her as she has very few relatives.
Don't worry about her father. He can be told some time, and it may be not until you and your cousin have met and chatted.
Good luck!