Transition into motherhood

Mismanagement of labour meant my daughter was born starved of oxygen and brain damaged. My poor little girl was taken straight to SCBU.
She was fed through a tube, abd started to have fits, doctors where pyzzled as to the problem, her umbilcal cord was taken off, at 2 days old, and a lumbar puncture was performed.
We where taken in ambulance with a midwife accompanying us as I was 4 days post birth to the Brompton hospital where she was placed in an isolation room on her own, I had to stay with her, no privisions made for me as a mum, meals etc,I lived on biscuits as I had no money, my husband and family where 70 miles away. Tests discovered I at some point had contracted rubella during pregnancy.

After 3 weeks we where sent back to our own hospital SCBU, where I started to wonder if she was brain damaged, mums intuition?, this was confirmed a week later, my poor little girl lived another 2 weeks never coming home or meeting family she died 3rd November 1978 aged 7 weeks.

My pregnancy had been quite fraught with my parents becoming ill, and bleeding for me, C was born at 39weeks a healthy 7lb10oz, post mortem showed her brain starved of oxygen at birth.

My dad died 6 weeks later, we believe this hastened his condition.

Many years later during the scandal concerning tissue samples taken and retained without permission, we found that C's had been retained, aafter discussion we decided to let them remain as they where used for teaching.

I guess my next question is were you relationships with community midwives better than hospital midwives? For those of you not in the UK, did you rely on other women/nurses to help you through? I get the sense that women of our generation felt the distinction between the change in women’s lives as they became parents and the little change that partners experienced.

Sorry not good at this, my home birth question was for notspaghetti

That’s sad to hear. Did you get offered a home birth at all?

So sorry Mokryna.
For some women, our birth stories (and transition to motherhood) live with us.

I didn't have your "baby blues" but do understand the profound changes a new baby brings.

Although a planned pregnancy, after five years of marriage, we really didn’t think it through. I had to give up a job I loved, with a huge mortgage and the rate shooting up soon after it was gained, life was difficult. Lovely house but with practically nothing else, no fridge even. Baby was late and as Easter was very near, I was induced. Giving birth, I was alone in a room with just gas to help. I was a ‘slip’ of a girl and was told baby would be a normal size, a bit of an understatement at that time, 9lb15. Baby blues lasted a very long time, mainly through having no support as it wasn’t recognized. Men could go out for a drink and continue to go out to play sports etc. while women stayed at home and looked after children. Lost my independence.

I loved being a mum from the word go. My firstborn arrived 6 weeks early and was a tiny scrap of humanity. He came home a month later just in time for Christmas. Can’t praise the hospital enough! I got all the support I needed .
I had a lovely group of friends and joined the pram club and young wives. We are all still friends to this day.

jainainsworth, thank you. I am aware that so many have much worse birth experiences but it definitely left its mark on me.
I entered pregnancy full of excitement and the belief that the NHS was a service and had each individual's best interests at heart.
How naive I was.

Yes, it was not the birth I wanted - but I am the (bolshy, determined, challenging, feisty) person I am because of it. They created me, this irritant to the system and though I wish I could just "put up and shut up" I can't.

I learned my life changed completely & my OH stayed exactly the same. For me; different friends - met at mother & baby groups - some older than me, responsibilities.
His; nights out with his sports, same mates, same work collegues, same routine. For us this was the beginning of the end. Basically I grew up. Best of times worst of times.

I absolutely loved being a mum from the day she was born. Yes, we had little money, as I gave up my job as a teacher - childcare in the 70s did not exist in the organised way it does now, but there were far fewer things to spend money on in those days, and second hand stuff was the norm. Life did get harder over the next few years as I had three more children in the following six years, but I still loved being with my children. I had no car so we walked everywhere, and being in north London public transport was good. I had a big old pram with one child in, one on a pram seat and one either side! The pram seats were great for chatting to a toddler as they were up high and facing you. I did no paid work until my youngest was about 7, and then only jobs that fitted in with school hours, but I really didn’t mind. I think I always lacked ambition and can understand that others may strongly dislike being largely an at home Mum. My husband did little to help in the house on weekdays as he worked very long hours in the city, but at weekends he was involved with taking them to swimming lessons, football training etc, and family trips to the local park etc.
I think different lifestyles suit different families and today there are many more options for women, although I’m not sure that always makes life easier as a whole.
My children are all wonderful adults - I may be a little biased - and I don’t regret the lifestyle we had.

My DC were all born in Hongkong, far away from our families and any support we might have had from them.
Instead, I had close friendships and support from a small group of women who I’m still in contact with today, and with their children who were born around the same time as mine.
The NCT had been going for a few years and that was a valuable support too.
I had a Chinese amah who looked after DS when I went back to work part-time and I learned a lot about childcare from her.

notspaghetti I’m so sorry you had such dreadful experiences of the NHS.

I remember being frightened and excited about the changes, even though DH and I had been married for 5 years and our baby was planned.

Growing up, there were not very many babies around our neighbourhood, and we had no relatives in Canada, so I didn't really have much experience with babies. My mother was on the other side of the country, and while close, my relationship with my MIL was rather formal. DH and I figured things out, with support of friends and his family, and it all went well. I guess I was a bit suprised by the depth of the feelings, and the maternal instinct that would guide me. Of course we foundered a bit, and were sooo tired, but it was a happy time when I look back.

I had a poor birth experience (considered "normal" then) in that I was expected to "conform" without giving me any reasons. I was on a treadmill and was no longer an individual. Sadly I learned that the NHS is just a system and you are a number and that within any organisation few people are allowed to think. It is true of schools, universities, businesses, charities and almost everywhere you look.

I learned that if you don't like the prevailing norm you have to fight, be prepared to research arguments and be prepared to be awkward, expend energy, be different. I learned to put everything in writing, to not give up. To accept you are likely to be standing alone.

The pregnant-woman "routine" and the way I was treated made me the person I am. It made my husband and I a team of two against the world. It made me strong and persistent. It made me a fighter and campaigner for myself and others. It made me love facts and not allow common practice to get in the way of best practice. The experience is responsible for many of my weepiest, most angry and frustrating times, and my most remarkable, joyful ones.

When they refused to let me do reasonable things (and even lied to me) I learned I can walk away. I am stronger than I think.

The NHS made me the persistent person that I am. It changed me forever.
I say this with some regret.
Motherhood was the easy bit.