Transition into motherhood

Nell G ,
My heart goes out to you and others in that situation. I can only imagine how dreadful the situation was for you. Never feel guilty for ' not giving him a better start in life' you did an amazing job in impossible circumstances!!! Trailing the streets after having to leave your accomodation after breakfast does'nt bear thinking about. I am thinking of everyone on this thread who have had the most traumatic introduction to motherhood. For me a difficult
and prolonged labour with baby one,
followed by two straight forward deliveries. Stayed at home till youngest went to school - loved it !! Part time work after that. I recognize how fortunate I was.

I was at the ripe old age of 29 for my first foray into childbirth when the average age was 21. Birth seemed straightforward enough but I started to go downhill afterwards. Foolishly I put my deterioration down to my age (hard to believe nowadays) as I watched the younger Mothers bounce back. As it turned out I had been subjected to a medical error immediately after delivery. Such awful consequences........ Took me five years to work up the courage to try for son No 2. I've tried, with little success, to look kindly on the NHS but, it hasn't been my only disappointment at their hands unfortunately. There y'go.

Not a good experience - long labour, badly stitched which became infected and then post natal depression. 2nd baby (born 3 years later) was normal and I physically and mentally recovered very well which was wonderful as I was so scared that things might repeat 2nd time around. Then I got meningococcal septicaemia when she was 12 weeks old. Fortunately both babies were very good. Didn't go for the 3rd though even though I love both of them to bits!

Yes I vividly remember the community midwife who I saw at the clinic for months, and then who visited me at home before and after the birth of my first child in early 80s. I gave birth in a maternity unit, and my midwife there was wonderful. Second child was born 100 miles away from that little unit in a big hospital, but my midwife there was equally lovely, and saw me through the final few hours.
I returned to work after a couple of months with both, and breast fed both for ten months. It was hard work, but I was lucky enough to have wonderfully supportive colleagues.
So yes helen63 I remember the names of all 3 of my midwives and the GP who saw me through my pregnancies and deliveries safely - all women. I never saw an obstetrician, except to sign the 2 of us off when we left the unit and hospital.

Do you remember the midwives?

Thank you for sharing your story, sorry it's been a while. I feel so sad about some of these stories.

Some sad stories here. Here's a happier one. I was desperate for my first baby and delighted when I became pregnant. I gave birth in hospital on my own, no fathers or 'birth partners' allowed. Labour and birth was much harder and more painful than I expected - no NCT or pre-natal classes in those days - and I remember being handed my baby on the delivery table and told a doctor would be along to stitch me up soon. I lay there for a long time entirely on my own just looking at my lovely baby lying quietly beside me - I can still see his little face and wide eyes looking around - but feeling the blood seeping from me into a puddle. Eventually I was stitched up and my little son taken to the nursery where all the babies stayed, night and day, except for feeding when they were brought to their mothers. We stayed in hospital for 10 days (everyone did), mostly in bed although the physios came round for post natal exercises once a day. The food was fine and we new mums as well as the nurses watched Wimbledon in the afternoons. Fathers were allowed to visit in the evenings for a short time. It was a shock to go home and find I had to do everything for myself but we lived on an estate of young couples, made friends and learned as we went along. I loved (still do!) my son but vowed I would never go through the experience again, it had been so painful, and it was nine years before I became pregnant again, this time with a little daughter. Of course, second time around it was much easier.

My first daughter was born in a cottage hospital. My husband was in the police force, my GP was concerned I would be alone in the police flat when my husband was working nights at the time the Welsh Nationalists were trying to blow up dams. So it was arranged my husband would drop me off at the hospital when he started work and pick me up in the mornings. She was born early , at night , my husband didn’t know, she arrived in 40 minutes so thank heaven I was in the hospital. The sister phoned the station who put out a call, my
husband drove back from the lake and I was kept in the Labour room so he could come in the night to see her. I had to
wait over an hour so just me and the beautiful baby, I still remember how strong was the love I had for her,

I am so very sorry to hear of the lost of your baby daughter downtoearth .

I barely broke my stride, getting pregnant was easy, easy pregnancy and birth. Home the next day with care from GP and midwife. The whole thing was a doddle. I never gave up work and my husband and I shared everything, back to work when he was 10 weeks old and tbh nothing changed. Same scenario 8 years later with baby number 2. I found the whole thing easy and rewarding.

Such sad stories on here, I'm sorry for everyone who lost a baby and for those who had such bad experiences.
I was not really very maternal, my birth experiences were not too bad in the grand scheme of things. I was disappointed when I had to turn down the offer of a Ward Sister's post as in those days you had to work full time in that role. I would have preferred to work full time rather than do child care but it was not possible. I love my children but if I was starting out now I would make different choices.

Sadly, some things are much the same.
My daughter thought I was bonkers offering to pay for an independent midwife for her first baby....
When her second baby was due, she had an independent midwife.

Nell
I think, thankfully it’s a different world now.
I feel very sad for my eighteen year old self, even though, I’d made some pretty stupid choices to get there.
It’s all a long time ago, but I remember it as if it were yesterday

And Nell too... ?

Sarah1954 another story of something that could have been so much better.
?

Excellent NCT preparation. A wonderful community midwife who gave me internal GBH as I really didn't want to be induced when 2 weeks after due date. Her good friend was the midwife at the local unit, and she stayed with me until he was born. One of my pupil's mums was the night nurse, and I think she thought I was being difficult when the sheets needed changing at 2am!
We stayed in the unit a week in those days! With my other child we were out in 18 hrs.

Sarah1954 I just read your post and the old heartstrings twanged! I do hope things have got better for girls who find themselves in our situation.

Helen63 Home birth was the nub of it.
I wanted my first baby at home. This was my right but was fought every step of the way. Only my two older midwives were supportive. One was told not to attend me once past due date and to call for an ambulance instead - was only offered services on condition of birthing in hospital. We were bullied. No contra-indications. Long, long story.

Next baby independent midwife. At home.

Nell
I sympathise with a lot of what you are saying, I had little family support, they too were bitterly ashamed of me, staying mainly with a friend with plenty of room in her house for two more, but the first year was a bit of a gypsy life, staying with whoever would have me.
Thank Goodness things are different now.

Downtoearth
Nothing so sad as the pain of lives lost unnecessarily.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
?

Downtoearth I'm so very sorry. I lost one too and that was all tangled up in the Bristol heart scandal - we made the same decision, such a tiny life, but even without our permission one that may have helped others. There was no amount of 'compensation' that would have helped and I'm guessing that you may have felt the same.

Helen63 With my first I was young and single. It was the 80's and my mother's attitude was "you made your bed, now you lie in it". My family were very ashamed of me and distanced themselves. I was 7 months pregnant when I found out that the father was already married, with other children. He went back to his wife.

I had no money and had to go onto benefits, it took six weeks before I got any money at all. In the meantime I was living in one room, in a B&B. I wasn't allowed to stay in the room after breakfast and had to walk the streets until evening. A friends mum took pity on me and used to let me go there and she would feed me from time to time.

When I had him I was suffering from scurvy, I had open sores all over and was so malnourished I had to stay in hospital for three weeks.

I loved him to bits, but it was hard. In the B&B we weren't allowed to do washing or cooking in the rooms. But I was a young girl in a building full of drunk old men and people with quite serious mental health issues and they didn't respond well to crying babies. I was so frightened that I broke the rules and used to hand wash nappies in a vanity basin and drip dry then into an old baby bath inside the wardrobe so the landlady didn't find out!

But eventually she did and she asked me to leave. One of my sisters put me up for a short time, but wasn't keen and had issues of her own. Eventually a charity gave me a small basement flat, which used to flood every time it rained. I stayed there for two years, then met and married a kind man. I can still remember having to scrub the mould from the wall in that place and having to pick slugs up off the carpet before my son ate them!

Things got better of course, I made sure they did, but my transition into motherhood was difficult and I still feel guilt that he didn't have a better start in life. I wanted better for him but at that age didn't have the means or the knowhow. I got so many things wrong.

Of course there is much more to the story but as it already sounds like a misery memoir I'll leave it there.

To all the other ladies who have posted, for something supposedly so natural it's not always the easiest thing we do - best wishes to all of you.

Downtoearth
Such a tragic tale, so sorry for you, and everyone else with a sad story.
My first child was born when I was eighteen, and completely unprepared in every way.
The nurse at the surgery lent me a book when it became clear how little I knew.
Then to make things a hundred times worse, my boyfriend died three weeks before the birth, and I was literally alone. I gave birth alone, terrified and in the worst pain imaginable.
I was told by the hospital staff that I’d be referred to as Mrs E not to upset the other mothers!
Eighteen year olds are very resilient and adaptable, and my life has been good after a bad start, but I certainly don’t look back on my first birth experience with anything other than horror!

My first pregnancy was rather fraught, with a threatened miscarriage. I stayed in bed, which I quite enjoyed, until three months had passed, but I was terrified something would be wrong with the baby. No scans to reassure me in 1971.

However once the baby was born and healthy I loved every minute of being a stay-at-home mother. I have no idea why people find it boring. I was lucky in that I lived in a road where there other babies. We were mostly university graduates so had plenty in common. My parents lived only 14 miles away so we saw them once a week, and that helped, I suppose. It was a happy time.

I hadn’t minded my job, but felt liberated when I gave it up to become a mother. Life was so much freer (is that a word?) and more rewarding.

downtoearth what a tragedy, one that will never leave you

I stopped work when my first child was born. Otherwise I just got on with life. I had no sudden internal revelations.

I found being at home with young chidren rather boring, much as I loved them, and gave them my time and attention. I used to describe being home with the children, mentally, like living with the blinds half down.

From Day 1, I planned my return to work. I sorted out my professional qualifications, I planned my household routines around juggling home and work. DH had a job that took him away from home a lot, often at short notice for indefinite periods of time. He was entirely supportive of my going back to work - his mother had been the main wage earner his family - and was happy to share childcare - when he was there, but his presence was beyond his control.

There was a local research centre, which offered part ime work, term time only, school hours and when DD went to nursery I returned to work with relief.

I do not remember any kind of special support from midwives, community or hospital, they were just part of the medical team.

I must confess, I have never quite 'got' this 'being a woman' thing. I am who I am and have lived life as it came and absorbed each set of experiences as they came. I had quite an eventful childhood, and marriage and parenthood is the normal progress of most people's lives - or was in the 1970s, so nothing about becoming a parent and bringing up children was really unexpected.

downtoearth that's just heartbreaking to read. What a nightmare for you all. So sorry for your experience.