Grandparents rights

This subject is very close to my heart as I am presently going through the courts to see my GS. Denied contact is with my D and SIL.
It's not a decision we have taken likely and is financially ruined us but my D and SIL are not good parents and choose to g thru life using people and much to my disappointment, still are.
The Judge in our case, took an instant disliking to my D as she showed her true colours in court. She didn't have any respect for him let alone me.
Hence we see him every 3 weeks. No contact with D and it can stay that way for me.
Everyone reacts differently but when you are put in this dreadful situation and all other avenues have broken down what else do you do?

As you say amabazza not a decision that is taken lightly. To go through the court, there needs to be very good reason, and no grandparent who finds themself in this position is going to be humoured by a judge if it is clear they are doing this just to exercise some power to make their children be brought to them. This is not what those grandparents who are denied contact are looking for, but the best interests of their grandchildren, whom the court will see have had a meaningful relationship with their grandparents that was of clear benefit to the children. Any grandparent who is prepared to throw open their doors and have a Caffcass officer assess every aspect of them in order to determine whether they should be allowed contact needs to be on solid ground, show they have had continued, beneficial contact with the children, and/or can offer something to them that improves their wellbeing.

When my son and I were struggling to have contact with my grandson, the times we saw him decreased and often ended abruptly, and each time we were with him during that year, he was clearly unhappy about the disruption to his life. He voiced his wishes to spend time with me and his daddy, and when he cried at home, ex-DIL would send abusive texts declaring that her husband was responsible for ruining his life. He has told his daddy that he was unhappy at home because his daddy had taken him back! It's heartbreaking to deal with, knowing that you have to toe the line and behave appropriately at all times because this will be examined by a court in due course, and might be seen negatively if you are accused of bringing a child back a few minutes late, or saying something out of turn.

We now see him often - I have seen him twice a week over the last month, and my son sees him about 5 times a week. He picks up the keys to his new house this morning, and later today will be taking my grandson to look at his bedroom and choose how he wants it to be decorated and furnished, then he will be staying overnight regularly as soon as my son has moved in and put things in enough order for them to be comfortable. The court gave my son permission to write up the access document, after admonishing ex-DIL about her attempts at parental alienation, and she has given informal agreement which will be rubber stamped by the court in a couple of weeks' time. We have a happy boy in our midst again. It shows that you should never give up - keep plugging away with the best interests of your grandchild at heart, and examine your conscience the whole time - are you doing this for you or for the child? I know we benefit ten times over, and it is wonderful to be with him again, but I would have stayed back if I thought for one moment this was not what my grandson wanted or needed.

wow thanks for that Carol. You are the first one I have spoken to who has been successful and with the end results being so good.
We are there again next week so fingers crossed.
Yes i am on tender hooks to make sure that I totally tow the line.
Our GS loves being with us at present and makes it obvious infront of her too.
So hopefully that will help us next week

Amabazza good luck and let us know how you get on, won't you?

Amabazza I am on the other side of the discussion,I offered the chance for GD'S father's family to have access ..against high court judges advice...I was wrong ..she was let down several times by PGFand her aunty,it was heartbreaking to witness her anguish and anger we have also had the minutae of our lives scrutinised by CAFCASS....but it is my LO's right to know her family ,not their God given right to demand when it suits them to see her....no offence or sides taken but it is the children I feel for in all the turmoil to all the loving grandparents who are suffering through adult childrens actions

I am a grand-mother and so love to see my grand-children, but would never expect my daughter and sil to spend every week-end with us, or holidays! Yiikes! One of my colleagues was expected to spend every Christmas with her mum, and when once, when the kids were teenagers, she said to her mum that the next Christmas they would come and have breakfast and spend the morning with her, but then wanted to have the rest of the day on their own. Her mother didn't speak to her for ... 4 years.
Sometimes grand-parents do expect too much - and perhaps sils and dils do not make sufficient effort either. Give and take - my kids and grand-kids are always welcome, but I reserve the right, perhaps one day, to say no I have other things planed, and we are going to Timbuctu for Christmas this year- and of course it goes both ways.
We all need a bit of space sometimes, and not always be in each other's pockets, no?

So right - all of your comments! Grandparents don't have rights but we feel so lucky to have privileges and they shouldn't be abused by laying down unreasonable expectations. I am often happy to know I've had a few minutes with the grandchildren and all is ok, and other times I'm lucky enough to spend hours with them, or babysit whilst mum and dad are busy or having a night off. Go with the flow and fit in, is what suits us all in my family.

One of my best friend complained to me that her daughter sometimes didn't phone her EVERY DAY. Her daughter works full-time, with 2 little ones! I did tell her that it was unfair to expect daily contact- and she was very surprised- but accepted it with good grace. Her daughter sent me a Thank You card a bit later. Some of us parents need to take a back step sometimes - but yes, dils and sils should also be more tolerant and give time for grand-parents, even if they do not particularly get on. However, perhaps, just perhaps, there is a good reason for that, and too many demands made, in a few cases?

Goodness me granjura there is a lot of variation in expectations isn't there.

Of course - but as said before, hard working parents with young children also need some time to themselves. Just trying to say that 'some' grand-parents, perhaps, might expect a little too much. Like every week-end or Sunday with grand-children, or every Christmas, or phone calls every day, or to be taken shopping every Thursday, or whatever. Only some, but they do exist, and it can cause unnecessary tensions in a couple/family.

As grand-parents we sometimes need to get on with our own lives too, and not rely TOO much on our grown-up children and grand-children, to some extent.

One of my neighbours here is constantly phoning her son and requesting a lift, to go shopping, to put up a shelf, move it to somewhere else, and on and on. And her dil, a really nice young woman with a heart of gold, does feel really put on at times.

Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water here. Some grandparents do genuinely need a little help, some don't and are fit enough to help young families; some grandparents have fitted in with traditions of the family being together on Christmas or Boxing Day and assumptions are made that they expect this every time, when they don't; some young families have routine expectations of babysitting and childcare that grandparents are finding onerous - there are so many different arrangements. Let's not generalise from the specific.

We all have to be flexible and reciprocate according to our individual circumstances. Parents who live 200 miles away will perhaps want to cram more contact in when they do travel or the family visits, whilst those who are close by can have contact in short bursts.

I live very near my daughter and her partner loves his Saturday afternoons to relax and watch football, but he will be flexible if circumstances need it. I have sisters that I want to see frequently, especially as one is very ill, but things can be swapped round if I am needed for babysitting or to help take the babies to the clinic or for hospital appointments if dad can't get home from work for them.

Families give and take, so I wonder what is going on when there are massive objections to seeing grandchildren infrequently, or young parents are saying they don't want to make or receive visits at weekends, every weekend. I understand parents working 6 days a week wanting their one day to be together, but to the exclusion of all else every week? Something a bit out of kilter there - there's room for flexibility, I would have thought. More likely that they are all knackered and looking for someone to take their frustrations out on. And what better than having a day off when you don't need to do much because grandparents have provided Sunday lunch and kept the children amused? What's coming across is that some couples don't like the in-laws, so they're finding reasons not to have contact. But they don't represent every parent and grandparent.

Surely, an odd visit here and there isn't expecting too much? And grandparents shouldn't be made to feel they can't ask for a little help with carrying a heavy object or putting the odd light bulb in so they don't break their necks falling off the step-stool. We don't object to changing nappies, feeding babies, or taking them out for walks to give parents a break. Give and take!

Well the she still wont come here, my partner had a meeting with her and apparently a few words where exchanged about the relationship just between the two of them, Still not fixed by the way.

She has RSVP'd for us to a rather large family event without asking us if we was going or not next month over a important birthday weekend in our family so we may well be away.

One of my children in the last few weeks has come out with some shocking words about said nanny. "I only have one nice nanny and that's nanny X" My mum is nanny X, "nanny Y is nasty she takes my things", "nanny Y does not let me take my toys home" On this last one we are talking about presents for him for birthdays and Christmas's that he has been made to open at their house and is then told upon trying to bring home they MUST stay at their house, Que crying child who does not understand why santa wants his toys to stay there and why Nanny Y wont let him have his birthday presents. We have not been around for just under a week now and had 3 phone calls last night.

Anyone have work and a house far far away we can have? I joke but somethings got to give

This is interesting. When I was a young mum we did in fact put our own lives on hold quite often so that the children could see their grandparents.

It was me who tried very hard to create a family atmosphere and put up with an awful lot of criticism from mum and mum and dad in law. I used to make huge roast dinners, bake cakes, be pleasant and bite my lip. Every Christmas we had the in-laws and mum for Christmas day and it was often torture because nothing was ever right, not even the huge home made Christmas cake with marzipan made from scratch. My mother - law once said "If I made a sponge cake like that I'd make it into a trifle". I didn't respond because I didn't want to have a big argument. They would be going home later so what was the point.

My adult kids now remember it all with fondness and don't remember any of the stress that was going on because I kept the peace.

I think it's a generational thing. We were brought up to respect our elders and have a sense of duty. I don't regret it for a moment because I thought it was important for the kids to have grandparents in their lives, no matter how undermining they could be. I also felt it was my job to try and make things as pleasant as possible and take it all on the chin with a sweet smile (sometimes it looked more like a grimace, I must be honest.)

I had a group of lovely friends and we used to "let off steam" together over endless cups of black coffee.

I think the difference now is that because mum's are working they do need weekends to be with their partners and kids as a proper family. With both parents working they do get really exhausted and just want a couple of days quality time with their children. It doesn't last long, before you can turn around they've turned into teenagers.

Hi
I am from Manchester and I am trying to strengthen interest in Grandparents rights in hopes that the bill ensuring grandparents rights will be pushed through soon. I have just started a twitter account to create a network of people who would sign a petition and do whatever is necessary to ensure that Grandparents get their right, please join and show your support. Twitter: @GrandParentsUTD
I'm hoping to meet with my local MP in a week and post some updates soon.
Thank you
Meena

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Nana reported

How dare you say that stuff. Do you know that some of us grandparents are raising our grandchildren. You have now idea what you are talking about. You are not even a grandparent. I hope you never have grandchildren.

Cripes , where has THAT all come from ?

Ooer! I seem to miss all the nastiness.

Families!!! As long as you love your children that's all that really matters. Always 2 sides to everything so stop and think who really matters in this relationship .Be kind to granny respect her but be firm don't go rushing around to visit if u don't really want to but ring and face time regularly that way she knows you are thinking of her and can chat away to grandchildren and it only takes a short time of your weekend .that works for us and may for u

Don't be afraid of the grandparents taking you to court, you are their parents and you know best it sounds like your kids don't like seeing them and if your just grinning and bearing it out of fear it doesnt sound worth it, they obviously aren't enriching your childs lives! I don't think there is a great deal to be worried about chin up and good luck x

my grandchildren was taken away from their family,my daughter had a drug habit and when she found out she was pregant she gave it up,and the social workers got involved and went to court for a interm care order, after she had the twins 3 months early thay stayed in hospital for 8 months as thay was very small,the social workers found foster mothers for them both,and thay seperated my grandaughters,so far apart,how wicked when thay spent 8 months together in hospital,i visited my grandaughters everyday and night,from morning to late in the evening sometimes early in the morning,i took 2000 photos off them and lots off videos,my daughter has never seen her baby girls because she went blind 11 months ago,its heart breaking to hear her cry and sob every night,we went to court last friday where the social workers wanted the jugde to grant them a order for them to be adopted seperatly and i get to see them not together once aweek,then 4 times a year,i have been very ill over all this,i miss and love my grandaughters so much,thay have only known me and where i was there all the time,feeding them.changing them.and caring for them,social workers lied so much in files and made it look like i couldnt take care off my grandaughters,the 1st twin was born with spina bifda and had a shunt put in her head,and 2nd twin was born with a tethered spina bifda not the same has twin 1,she also had her bowels taken out, i have cared and love my grandchildren all off their little lifes,now thay was taken away from me,i am hopeing there is still some way i can get my grandchildren to be returned to there own family,

I've just found this threadby the OP. I don't know of any grand parents who have considered court action because they don't think they see enough of their grand children. But I do know what it's like to be denied any contact whatsoever. My gc is 2 years and 9 months old and we haven't had contact with him since he was 8 months.

We see him because our son lives a 2 minute walk down the road from our house. So, we occasionally drive past him when he's with them and/or the child minder.

Children aren't possessions to be fought over they're to be loved by their entire family. I don't doubt that there are some grand parents who, no matter how much time they spend with their grand children still want more. Sadly, there are an increasing number who like us, have been denied any contact at all and the pain that causes can't be imagined