How much advice should you give to your daughter/son regarding babies and parenting?

I give advice.

There's a surprise.

Oh dear - another minefield waiting for me. I hope I have the opportunity to give just two tiny bits of advice.

As long as you love your children and they know it, you can get away with just about everything.

For your own sanity, remember that YOU are in charge, you are a parent not an entertainment director: create sensible boundaries and stick to them.

sound advice, joan, sound advice.

Joan, I doubt if any daughter or daughter-in-law could take exception to those pieces of advice. They encapsulate the essence of good parenting.

Thank you ladies! My oldest lad gets married on Saturday 21st April. I believe they want children soon as they are 33 and 30. My youngest is engaged and sharing a house and mortgage with his fiancee. They are 29, but have both just changed jobs and have career paths, so I won't hold my breath for grandchildren there!! Son number one will have Yorkshire/Australian/Dutch children, son number 2 will have Yorkshire/Chinese children.

Roll on.

Mind you, a friend from U3A has 20 grandchildren including great grandchildren. She is a year younger than me at 66, and living alone on the basic pension, so you can imagine the expense of 20 Easter bunnies! She starts saving for Easter just after Christmas!

I don't give advice, even when someone asks for it. I just let them talk about the issue or problem and at the end they go away convinced I have provided the answer to their difficulty.

skilful, absentgrana, very skilful!

Joan, I wish I had acted on your advice when my girls were teenagers - I was seduced by the prevailing view of the 'experts' that you should be a friend to your children rather than a parent. I gave them far more freedom than they were able to use sensibly.
I have ten grandchildren and four great-grandchildren and it certainly was getting very expensive for birthdays and Christmas so I had to make the rule for myself (which they all understood) that I stopped giving them presents once they started earning. As my eldest grandson has an income five times my own, I am waiting for him to start giving me presents!

I have found that when people ask for your advice they usually want you to confirm that what they want to do is the right thing. If you don't agree, they will ignore your advice and probably be annoyed with you.

Classic trick when someone asks your advice is to ask a question back?
What do you feel inclined to do? What do your instincts tell you? What did the health visitor advise - and what do you think about that? Classic counselling technique -it is very tempting to give advice but it is a minefield.

I like that, Jess, I will act on it in future.
I have had to bite back an 'I told you so' on many occasions when my daughters have asked my advice and then not taken it, especially in areas where I really did know best, such as finance or the law.

My DS asks for advice and I do what JessM does. My DD asks for advice and I give it - but also give the pros and cons. It's a matter of personalities really. When the GC were babies I couldn't resist giving unasked for advice but over time there's give and take between us all and - touch wood - it's worked out OK.

thanks for everyone's comments. The consensus seems to be-give advice if it is asked for but try to tell them what they want to hear and don't be surprised if they don't take your advice anyway!
This is more or less what I have been doing. Luckily my DD keeps wanting me to come every week to help her and occasionally take her and baby shopping since she doesn't have transport. I love it and am quite happy to hold my grandson all day if that's what she wants me to do! I can forsee more problems when he is older and can speak but I shall keep out of all disciplinary matters in the time honoured way of grandparents, and spoil him if I want to!

I do give advice to my daughter, usually only when its asked for and its never been a problem. I tend to just say 'you could try this' or 'maybe if you do such and such it may work'. To be honest I can't remember half the things I did for my two anyway so I usually end up saying you know your own baby best. I think its ok to give advice as long as you don't tell them what to do, its the way you say it. I make suggestions but in the end I know she will do what she thinks best.

My own mum is around and involved too but she's like me, we both think DD is doing a great job.

Sometimes, when I was a young mother beset by exhaustion and problems, my only advice would have been "Keep on taking the pill!"

Same with me Libradi. This morning, I have heard myself saying several times 'you know your babies better than me, and you're their mum, so you can decide what you want to do.' I brought my four children up just fine, but I can't honestly remember many of the things I did that worked well. I just know we had a happy time and they didn't really present any major problems. Often, anything works, and other times nothing works, so it's all a bit hit and miss bringing up babies. They usually manage to thrive with plenty of love and cuddles.

My SDIL seems to want my advice,which always amazes me, but I am very careful not to give any unasked for advice to my daughter. Sparks have flown in the past and nowI have learnt to button my lip.

Only when asked - which is usually when all else has failed.

What is the point of giving advice we all know "it is different now".

I long to say "throw the book away the baby has not read it"

The only piece of advice I gave my eldest DD was try to have a regular bedtime routine as soon as possible.After that - you are the mum, go with your own instinct. It seems to have worked, she is a fantastic mum to 4 beautiful, happy children aged 5months to 8 years - and no problems at bedtime.

DD asks when she wants. Usually medical, makes sense. But I do wish she would get Skype! Makes it so much easier when I can see!

When do you start worrying if your baby granddaughter is one year old and still not crawling or doing very much? She is very sweet and has a radiant smile and sits there contentedly. But daughter in law not doing much to stimulate her - the older boy takes a lot of the attention. (gorgeous little angel too) I wonder what I can do?

My GS was like that. A sleepy, placid, dote of a baby until he was nearly 2. He then turned into a domineering, tantrum throwing cock' 't yard (as they say in some parts of the country) for a few months. Now a lovely chatty 4.5 with great language skills, counts to 30, demon abilities in climbing, scooting, biking etc (I could go on!!! proud granny)
So my advice is do nothing. She will catch up. She will want to do what BB can do in a while.

My daughter was over one before she crawled and eighteen months before she walked - just a very happy, placid baby who didn't like doing anything in a rush! My GDs were both walking by 14 months and crawling long before that -all babies are different and will progress at their own pace. Try not to worry, tildonker

I always try 'what have you tried already?' then say it's exactly what I would have done! Works well when they are little.
DGD1, aged 7, is a bright button but is also a monster sometimes. She is testing my DD to the limit at the moment and I am desperate to intervene but it is not my place! So hard.

I tend to say things like 'well, in my day we did so and so but it has probably all changed by now, what do your sisters think?'

Most of you will know by now that my Mum has more or less forgotten everything she ever knew (except how to be nasty to me ) but her instincts around babies are very good so don't dismiss great-grandparents (especially GN) out of hand, lots of what they say has a basis in fact even if it sounds like an old wive's tale.

To answer the question - none unless asked, and even then with the crafty questions mentioned by others!