Long distance grandparenting gone horrible wrong

Greatnan ...how very true!

I will echo that, Granjura. Mother love is unconditional.

I don't think a love of a mother for her daughter ever dies.

Oliviasings I hope things will improve for you all in the very near future.....

Keep strong Oliviasings, there are a lots of folks hoping the best for you.

Please God JO4 that you are right. If I heard from my daughter I would welcome her back into my life in an instant

I know what you mean Greatnan, its the removal to another location that makes it so difficult to forge a pathway of communication.I have written so many loving letters and always remembered birthdays and Christmas's but they have never been acknowledged over the years. I didn't even know sometimes if the parcels had arrived and that has always been the case over the past 20 years. Yet we used to talk to each other on the phone every month for over an hour sometimes. I only pray that your daughter and mine will one day realise how much we love them. Even when she took my things I did not fight with her but wrote to her and asked her why she had taken them. She did not acknowledge or answer the letter.
I am grateful that we are all talking about what is obviously a problem that many people are familiar with.

I don't think the love of a daughter for her mother ever really dies.

Thank you HildaW I am grateful for your advice, I think that for so many years despite the long distance between us in terms of her living in Canada and me in the uk we were always close, Now I wonder how much was not being said. I will never stop loving her but I do fear that she has stopped loving me and that is what scares me the most. All I can do is pray for her every day and try to live every day the best I can.

Thank you, soop!

Charlotta, I would love you to advise me on what step I can take, since I have already tried writing loving letters to my daughter and her children and she wrote back another eight rambling pages of unfounded accusations and the children ignored me. Of course, if any of them tried to contact me I would welcome them with open arms.

Not sure to what you are referring to as "that" now charlotta
It is difficult when there are lot of posts to know what someone is responding to if they are not specific.
It is obviously not the post immediately prior to yours - and indeed difficult to make any move if the estranged person has relocated themselves to an unknown location in a foreign country.
In such cases all one can do is to try to manage one's own emotions, find sources of support and come to terms with the situation.

Greatnan (((hugs)))

Oliviasprings, we can all see how hurt you are but please try not to see the solution as simply being in 'her court'. There is many a family around who think they have few problems but find that one child felt very much hard done by from some action that happenend at one time or another. I had always felt that I had managed the whole child/step-child/half sibling thing wel,l but as years go by one or other of the children (now well grown) referes to something as if it really upset them, yet I had no real knowledge of any upset at the time. Even the happiest relationships between long attached siblings will have a few problems....its not for nothing folks have made a whole career out of offering their 'solutions'. Do let things cool down a bit but please dont give up on your daughter. I learned a long time ago that when children are hurting they lash out at the person they love the most and sometimes we just have to take it. My own daughter was rather troubled in her late teens and we had a bit of a separation when I was basically persona non grata. However, one day she just phoned me up and said those magic words....'Mum can I come and have a chat?'. Needless to say I put all the hurt behind me and welcomed her back into my life.
Give it time, and all the best.

Does this all mean that only those who are estranged from their children have a right to give an opinion on GN? In dire situations the first rule must be to find a way forward. Just a first step. In these cases the wronged person who is often the one being most reasonable, has to be encouraged to look at the problem from the other side in order to make that one first step in the right direction.
Some of us on GN ( with experience in relationship counselling) try to introduce an opening to that first step being made. It is not right that this point of view should be considered as cold or unfeeling by others.i.e. the ones who are estranged from their children. They of course may have the feeling that no first steps can be made.

Reading your posts has been very helpful to me for the first time I see that there are many Grandparents who have this happen to them I too did not have a quarrel with my daughter, she just left. I love her and the children so much but I am clinging to the hope that one day when she is a grandmother she will know what she has sacrificed. I will never move home so she knows where I live. She lives in Canada and has moved. So the ball is in her court,

Thanks, Jess. The eldest son is 28, but suffers from Aspergers and has not been able to get a job in spite of having an MSc in marine biology. The other son is 21 and also unemployed, other than a part-time job on a duck farm. I worry most about the youngest daughter, who is only 16.
The oldest girl, who is 24, is determined to take an OU degree and have a career. She wants to be a good role model for her two little girls. Her mother always told her that she did not need to bother with qualifications because she would always have a man to support her! Her fiance is a lovely young man and his parents are very supportive. I think the two of them would be able to help the others in any emergency but they shouldn't have these problems to cope with. She has always pictured the usual fairy-tale wedding, but now it will have to be very quiet as she cannot invite half her family - her mother has made it clear that if we go, she won't.
I wanted to be able to shield my grandchildren from the worst consequences of their mother's addiction but she has cut me off from them.

Ah - I am glad she at least is in touch with you. Hard growing up for her.
You are having a big wobble I can tell. If anything happens like that the kids will call you. Remind yourself that they are adults and I expect when you were their age you coped with all sorts of things. Because most young people around 20 are still very much in their teenage phase these days does not mean that they can, if required, step up.
(think of what people of that age did on both wars if you need a distraction.)

Excellent advice, Grannyactivist.
My eldest grand-daughter has asked me to ring her on Saturday evening.. She is the only one of the four children who accepts that her mother has paranoid delusions and is now being frozen out by her siblings because she is a 'traitor' for taking the side of her aunt and myself. I feel very sorry for her - she loves her mother but can see that a great injustice is being done. She is going to her cousin's wedding next month, in defiance of her mother's orders - the other three are not going, even though they have always been close to their cousins.
I am now worrying about what would happen if my daughter overdoses once too often and I am not there to support them.

oliviasings I am in a similar position to you and others on GN. I have a daughter who is estranged; she has two delightful children I no longer see and a third I've never met. It's hard and it hurts, but eventually I've come to accept that what cannot be changed must be endured - and I hope for a time in the future when things will be better. In my case there was no 'falling out', other things (still unknown to me) were going on in my daughter's life and she moved away overnight and left no forwarding address. I am able to send gifts and cards (through a third party) and I receive 'thank you' cards and very, very occasionally I get a phone call and am able to talk to her and my grandchildren.
My advice when dealing with your daughter is:
don't ask too many questions,
keep the lines of communication open if you can,
don't retaliate or get into a mud slinging contest,
try to hold on to the love you have for her
don't get drawn into discussing only her bad points - remember her good ones too.
My advice for you is to get support and comfort where you can and keep posting on here.
(((hugs)))

Agreed, harrigran - they could be used for identity fraud, for example.

It is totally unacceptable to remove legal documents from another's home, there are times when they will be required. I have had to provide birth and marriage certificates for insurance purposes. I would give the benefit of the doubt with photos, perhaps she wished to compile an album, but documents would cause me grave concern.

Good advice greatnan

Good night, Olivia, I hope you feel better in the morning. I get to sleep by playing some music - it stops my mind just going round and round in useless circles.

Stacks of sympathy from me olivia, I find your story very upsetting and it makes everything worse being so far away and not being able to fully comprehend her thinking. I think to have gone back and parted from her husband she must have been in turmoil when she was staying with you.I really don't think the real blame,on her part,is with you