Finding being a long distance nanny so painful

Today I received a wonderful package from my American lot of the grand-kid's paintings ; pages of splotches, scribbles, hand prints and multi-coloured dots.

Such a simple gift which has me grinning from ear to ear.

storynanny I think you just have to be there and remain positive. I'm sure that as your DIL becomes used to being a mummy she will eventually see things from your point of view.
Wherever they are, it seems to me, things can be difficult. I am lucky in that my 3 daughters and I are all very close despite being parted by thousands of miles. You soon become accustomed to being a far-away Granny and get your own system of contact organised (skype, letters, phone calls etc). DD2 has been in Australia for 12 years and I am fortunate that I travel there every year and catch up on the gc's - although it's a case of all or nothing. The others I try and visit every couple of months, but I must admit it does become tiring after a while and I do get fed up sleeping on a put-u-up and doing a room share with a sleep-talking 3 year old

In another four years my daughter will have lived in New Zealand for as long as she lived in the UK. I love her very much but in many ways she is an adult stranger. I have missed those years between her being a teenager and maturing into womanhood.

Roseyk yes, that's exactly what I mean.
Why should the quality of life be brilliant just because they live in the US?

You are not sure that they have a good quality of life janeainsworthis that what you mean?

I am not sure that they do, roseyk.

I am quite lucky in that my grandchild is close by, but its alot easier than it used to be for people having family far away thanks to Skype, obviously not the same but it does go some way to easing the pain.

It must also help knowing that your family that are abroad have a brilliant quality of life.

thanks janeanisworth-it's taken me a while to accept these truths.

Thank you Speldnan - I'm a long-distance Grandma too.
You are spot on in your last two paragraghs

hopefulnanny-just reading your last post which was just after Christmas and working out that your family must have been away around 7 months or so. You asked before if it gets easier-well I would say yes and no. My son, DIL and GD have been away for over 3 years now and I've seen my GD twice in her short life. My son is notoriously bad at communicating but I know it isn't because he doesn't care. However I go weeks without talking to him or seeing my GD on skype. This used to hurt me all the time but 3 years down the line I am used to it and try to put them out of my mind as much as I can. I do think about them but try not to dwell on it the way I used to.
In my bad moments this is what I think: my son who I adored is lost to a country the other side of the world-I grieved for him for 2 years but you cannot do this forever-you only have one life and at our age you have to make the best of it.
We have fulfilled our roles as parents and given our children the confidence to make lives for themselves-we would not want them to grieve for our absence and be unhappy or feel they had to return for our sakes. So we need to be proud of them and happy that they are successful and accept that visiting us will not always be a priority in their lives.

Hello All
here I am back again! Everytime I think I am getting to grips with this long distance grandparenting I seem to fall right back again. Things havent quite worked out as hoped since the last time i posted. We were hoping to have DGS back with DD for DGS birthday in March which was then changed to February as my daughter is pregnant again and then she decided that travelling with the little one would be too much so no trip back. We have said we will go out to visit once the new baby is born. It is due at the end of May. My daughters in laws are going out for 6 weeks to help with our DGS as we are unable to commit as I am full time carer for my disabled son. Travelling out will be a challenge but we are determined to give it a go. However my daughter had said if we cant make it she would come back with her husband for a month at christmas. We now have the added problem that she is worried about staying with us because of our dog! I do understand how protective young mums are with their children but my husband and i were rather upset that she didnt trust that we would make sure the dog was kept away from. the babies. It just seems there is always some obstacle when it comes to our visits. It feels like the in laws can come and go as they please and because we have our son and other things we are not made to feel so welcome. I dont want to fall out with my daughter over any of this and my husband has said that he too will keep quiet as we love our DGS so much and feel quite bonded even though most of our contact is via skype and face time. He likes us to sing songs to him. I just sometimes feel like my daughter is becoming so distant with us. I know she is tired being pregnant again and having the little one under a year. But I do all I can to support her from afar and try to send treats and bits for them all. It is all still so raw and I had a particularly difficult day today. I just want to be happy and feel part of their lives even though they are so far away.
Thanks all for listening to me.(fsad)
x

It certainly sounds as if you're doing all the right things Storynanny. Hopefully your DS will be anxious for his side of the family to be as involved as possible in your GC's life. It might be very isolating for him to be so far from home and I saw with my own DS that once he became a father his roots were more important to him.

I always praise my DIL when talking to DS so that he doesn't feel any dividing of his loyalties, though I'm ashamed to say that it took me a while to learn not to be pushy about my own ideas on child rearing. I could have used some advice from GNetters on keeping it buttoned when I first became a granny!

..... Yes I have a good relationship with ds and will endeavour to try really hard not to alter that.

I agree with the parenting skills praising, I most definitely did that continuously whilst I was visiting, but there was just no response. I will bear in mind all you have said though and just keep smiling.

Welcome Storynanny, I am sorry to hear that you are so far away from your new GC.

My two GC are in China, and I have a Chinese DIL. A lot of scope for cultural misunderstandings! But to be fair she values family relationships and makes a big effort to get on with us.

I have to say that we also make a big effort with her and her family. It is sometimes hard to be supportive of her style of parenting which is light years from our own experience. I have made a few mistakes in trying to introduce her to western ideas, but I have learned my lesson and now I just keep telling myself that there are 1.3 billion Chinese people, so they must know something about bringing up children

I think my advice would be to be as nice as possible to your difficult DIL and to praise her parenting to the skies at every opportunity. I have done this and it works really well. I think new mums are frightened of making mistakes and often worry that their in laws are judging them.

I do find it difficult to cope with only seeing the GC for a few weeks a year. I also worry about not being able to continue to travel to China, both physically and financially. I try to speak to the GC on the phone once a week (no Skype in China) and I send small presents regularly.

I have a very good relationship with my DS and it sounds as if you do with yours too. This is a big help as the DS is very keen for the GC to get to know our side of the family and to understand English culture and language.

Thank you I find it unbelievable and upsetting that someone could be so rude and unfriendly to someone in her husbands family. Just not sure how I will move on, how to manage visits to see baby in the future, just will keep smiling for now and remember how lovely it was to see my son as a father. It's so hard, how do you other grandparents cope? Ps just to make it clear, I was specifically invited , I didn't invite myself!

Cheers, Jess and Dresden - Feeling less crabby this morning.

Welcome story.

That could me me writing that storynan Its really hard isn't it, but it helps just a tiny bit to know that there are lots of us here with similar stories. I'm sure others will follow this thread with good advice for you

New here with a lot to ask/ tell but want to be careful what I post as want to stay anon! How on earth will I be able to get to know and bond with a new born the other side of the world, whom I was able to briefly visit aged 3 weeks. DIL not interested in building a relationship of any sort with me or my family.

welcome hopefulnanny, You will love this gransnet. It is so nice to know that when we need some advice we can put it on this site. The best site I have found since getting my computer.Loveeee it

Know the feeling. Kids are not always in the mood to chat. Or they are tired or something. Spoke to my 2 last night for the first time in a couple of weeks. Managed to engage the attention of the 4 yr old for more than 2 mins for months. I had organised myself to write him a little story and read it twice which scored a few points. He then entertains himself by pressing the mute button on the keyboard so we can't hear each other. Brief chat about Peter Rabbit book and then he puts it on the desk for me to look at and shoots off

Butty . I feel for you both. We absent grandparents miss so much. I find I just have to push the pain away and try not to dwell on it, but it can be tough.

At least you know the GC are happy and well, that is so important.

Just sometimes skype is no substitute. Papa turned 65 today, and we're both wishing we were closer to the grandkids.
Ah well.........

......... but they are well and happy and blew noisy kisses and scampered off to do more interesting things!

I don't hate 'em absent , just kind of disapprove, but I understand people get attached to pets and upsetting when they die.

JessM Thanks for a kind posting – I know how much you hate cats. Sorry that hasn't quite come out right. I just meant that it was thoughtful of you to make a kind comment when this is all a but outside your territory. Shut up absent.