breakdown in relationship with daughter in law

My sympathies happybeinggran. There are a few threads on here about grans who are denied contact with their grandchildren and most posters would agree that keeping those difficult relationships going is so much better than not seeing the children. I have personal experience of keeping my mouth shut (you wouldn't think so on here!) and trying to be as helpful and supportive as I can in order to keep ex-DIL from using my grandson to get what she wanted/demanded by stopping me seeing him. Happily all over now, as my son divorced her and has a new family into which my grandson fits comfortably and happily, and we see him often.

Just keep supporting and helping. Some grandparents automatically see a lot more of their grandchildren because of close proximity. My daughter's MIL minds my grandaughters 3 days a week and sees them daily as she lives a few doors away, but I don't begrudge her. We have become friends and I know they are in safe hands with her - she loves them nearly as much as I do!

Have you got to know the other grandparents since the baby arrived? What about asking them all round to yours for a BBQ or lunch? There could be a few ways to build bridges through them, perhaps?

How rotten for you. Just be careful you don't do what I tend to in situations like this; put up with it for ages and then explode at something quite small because all the hurt is so pent up. If you reach exploding level come on here and let rip.

happy I think my son would suggest that your son 'man up'! He lives within walking distance of his MiL and a very long way from us but feels that we are family just as much as they are. You can't deal with this alone, your son needs to stand up for you not just keep silent for the sake of a quiet life!

I read quite a lot of the MiL threads on Mumsnet and it seems to me that many women are very sensitive about MiLs and how easy it is for us to upset and offend our DiLs without meaning to. Some of the complaints seem entirely justified and some totally unreasonable, but it all proves what a difficult relationship it can be. I am not for a minute suggesting that you have said or done anything wrong, but it may be that your DiL has misunderstood something and is brooding on it.
May be worth reading some threads on Mumsnet, you wouldn't believe some of the things that cause offence. Is has certainly made me think twice about things!

I'm not on Mumsnet but it is my opinion that some people just look for trouble where there is none. It is very easy it seems to me for a DiL to find just any old excuse to cut out her husband's family. They seem to accept a very different standard from their own family!

I am someone who tends to tackle things head on .... so far it works for me, but obviously I run the risk of it not doing one day.Have you actually asked your daughter in law if there is a problem? or your son? In a very non accusatory way?

I just think that clearing the air with open conversation and discussion means that no-one sits around feeling upset and neglected, or controlled and invaded so in your situation I would be sitting down over a coffee and talking with my DIL. ( please note, not "to" but "with" )
Sometimes we need to go in meekly saying "I know I am doing something that annoys you but I need your advice because I don't know where I am going wrong"....... and then listen.
Really listen!

It is not about being subservient or deferring ...... just about opening up communication, and that is obviously a real problem between you and your DIL. That said, this approach does need you to accept whatever it is she tells you even if its hard to swallow. You are asking what she feels - and there isn't a right or wrong answer to that. Once you know, however, you have the tools to move forward.

I would try it. You have nothing to lose ..... and it could be the simplest thing that is causing this hiccup and imbalance.

Yes I am sure that is true movedalot, but it doesn't help really, because ultimately they are the mother of our grandchildren and we are the ones who stand to loose out. I find it hard, because I think society has changed and many people feel much less of an obligation to family. I also know that many of us had difficult MiLs and I wonder if we would put up with the same behaviour in the same way today. I get on quite well with my DiL though we only have a few words of each other's language, but I only see her and my grandchildren once a year at most.
It can be such a fraught relationship.

sorry mamie and inter but it doesn't always work out so easily. I know of cases where the MiL just doesn't stand a chance no matter what she says. I can think of one case where I am quite sure that trying to open up the suggestion you make inter would cause a great outburst and a lot more accusations.

I feel I must reiterate that the son has to share the load. If he thinks his parents have done something wrong he should talk to them about what it is and the best way to takle with his wife. If necessary he needs to be the intermidiary.

Some DiLs just don't want to share their husband and children with his family.

I know they are not all like that and I got on well with my inlaws, it just isn't always that way if one side doesn't want it to be.

Not suggesting for one minute that it is easy Movedalot, but if there is a way of finding out if the problem is related to something that has given offence, then it may be worth a try. Only the OP can judge whether trying to find the cause of the problem is possible or worth the consequences. I would ask my son, but as he translates most of what I say to my DiL in the first place I would hope he would know, or indeed, not have translated it in the first place.

Minefield isn't it?

"trying to open up the suggestion you make inter would cause a great outburst and a lot more accusations"

....but that is precisely the point at which you start to talk about things! what are the accusations? we need to acknowledge that the other person believes there are issues which have upset them. We need to tell them we acknowledge those issues. And then we need to discuss how we move forward together. People have outbursts when they feel they are not being heard or there needs are being ignored.

If we are honest with ourselves, is there an element of truth in the issues mentioned? even if there is not, can we adapt out behaviour to avoid whatever may be causing the problem.

This sounds as though I suggest just rolling over and doing what you are told, and to a degree I am .... once the situation has reached this difficult stage. Because someone has to give somewhere, or all the whole thing goes down the tube!

None of us is perfect. All of us can be irrational sometimes. Lots of us feel misunderstood. Very, very few people are just horrible individuals with whom there is no possibility of a compromise.

Just my spin

Movedalot " Some DiLs just don't want to share their husband and children with his family"

Actually, I think this is a really relevant point. There has been an interesting thread, elsewhere, on the difference between "nuclear family people" and "extended family people" .....concluding that "never the twain shall meet"
I believe that to be true, and am somewhat astounded that - as an 'extended family person' myself - one of my DC's turned out to be very much a 'nuclear family girl', and I just count myself lucky that she includes me in the small, circle of people she considers relevant to her day to life.

However, I am still not sure that this difference should cause huge family rifts IF it has been discussed and understood. Do I appreciate that DD may well say no if I organise a big family get together. Of course not!! Do I understand why? yes..... so I don't take it personally.

Maybe that's the point?

inthefields I do take all your points but please accept that it doesn't always work the way you think. When you try to tackle the situation it can sometimes make it worse. You ask what the issues are and find out you are being accused of all sorts of things you never did. You say that others were there when the incident occured and they deny it. They say they have proof of what you said in an email and then can't find it but you are still in the wrong. It goes on and on and it doesn't matter what you say or do it all just gets worse.

If someone has taken it into their head that you are a bad person and they are completely blinkered, they will not listen and will continue to accuse you falsely. If this happens the only option is to get your son to fight for you. There are times when it really is least said soonest mended. I know there are many on GN who have been there and will agree with what I have said.

Movedalot .....

I am so sorry for your situation, which must be terribly difficult.
Of course there are never ever generalisations which fit every circumstance and I didn't mean to infer that there are.
But, to be honest, you have actually done exactly what we were talking about .... you tackled it, and opened communication (which was all I was recommending)
Its not your fault that you hit a brick wall.
In that circumstance - as you say - there really is nothing to be done

People all have different experiences of family. I grew up believing that family celebrations were really important: birthdays, festivals, funerals etc and still enjoy a big family get together but as the generations grow it gets more difficult! one SiL find all our 'do's a bit overwhelming and tries to find excuses not to stay for the whole event! His family never did that sort of thing when he was growing up so he just does not see the point!

DD1 is choosier about who she socialises with and often opts out of 'once removed' family get to-gethers but always joins in with immediate family gatherings & that's fine! DD2 is more like me and will usually go along to extended family get to-gethers.

DD1 rarely instigates contact with her MiL who lives locally as she feels that is her husband's role..not that she avoids or dislikes her she just thinks it is his responsibility not hers to make the arrangements with his family.
DD2 s MiL does not seem to care if she sees her GC and has only very recently started to make contact.. DGD will be 8 soon!

Many many thanks to everyone who commented - there is some really great advice so I will think long and hard about the best way to deal with this. I will update you as and when!

I agree with Tegan's advice. I have done exactly that - let things build up and then exploded. I think it has made matters worse. I hope if all works out for you happy.

I am waiting to see what happens when my son's girlfriend has her baby. Whereas my own daughter is just round the corner, they are a 30 minute drive away so I don't forsee myself popping in all the time. On the other hand her family are in Hungary so she may be hoping for some help I probably won't be referring to it as "My Baby" like I do with my daughter's, but who knows?

Why do you only stay for an hour when you visit? Does she actually say, "times up"? You could take a pudding or a cake with you as "a contribution to the meal". Nothing like a heavy hint. When they visit you do you make it clear that they are invited to lunch and/or tea? (thinking Sunday's)

You say you get to take the baby out but you don't say how often. If it is fairly frequently, why are you bothering g with your son and daughter-in-law at all? I don't think I would, so long as I got plenty of baby time.

We don't really know enough about your situation to help much.

Hi JO8 - unfortunately we have tried taking cakes and goodies which are sometimes welcome and sometimes just ignored. We used to go on a set day of the week after work at 6 and the baby went to bed at 7. We would play with her but if she sat on our knee and started to go asleep we would be reprimanded by DiL who once snatched her from GD's knee, ran upstairs slamming all the doors and didn't come down until we had left. They go to her mum's every Sunday for lunch so any invitation from us is turned down on this basis.

When they lived with us so they could save up we had this conversation about the parents of the baby's father getting left out once the baby is born and they both said ' that will never happen as we love you both and you have done so much for us'.

As you say, as long as we can take baby out once a fortnight maybe we should just leave them to their own devices! We love the baby so much and take her to great places like the petting farm, museum, swing parks, book shops with special children's areas etc and she loves it all. As soon as she sees us she gets excited so we will try to keep this contact up.

Many thanks for your comments

Hi there,

I'm a Daughter in Law so I'm coming at this from a different angle I'm afraid.

Im speaking from experience as we're in a very similar situation my my husbands parents at the moment, except they don't have any contact with our baby unless we're there as she sees them so infrequently that she doesn't know them at all & would have a serious panic attack if left alone its them.

I doubt if much of what I'm going to say is what you want to hear but I'll say it anyway incase it can in someway provide an insight for you.

Unless she is a totally crazy person (which she may well be but unlikely) there must be a reason she's behaving this way although admittedly a lot of her actions don't sound particularly mature (slamming doors etc). But if I were you I'd be concerned that I'd made her feel that behaving this way was necessary?

I appreciate that it may just be (again I think unlikely) that she's taken a dislike to you but I wonder what she said he you say she spoke rudely to you? What was she rude about?

The main thing that has made me feel compelled to comment on your post is you seem to have put all of the 'blame' onto your DIL, your son is Los in this equation! If they don't visit your house, he surely has a say in this too so why is this purely your DIL's fault?! My MIL is convinced that all of the blame for the breakdown in our situation lies at my door whilst in actual fact my husband is so embarrassed by their behaviour and so angry at them about it that he avoids seeing them and it is me nagging him to visit etc!

As you alluded to in your comments, it is common for the paternal grandparents to be less involved than the maternal side which shows that it is not just your DIL that prefers to see her family more. There is a reason for this and I'm sure that all MILs generically blame the DILs and vice versa but this is definitely a tricky dynamic to manage and you're not alone in being in this predicament.

If you are still able to enjoy your relationship with your granddaughter I would suggest continuing to try to build bridges with your DIL as opposed to leaving her to it. Leaving it will surely only make things more tense between you and if this escalates you may end up being denied access to the baby.

In our situation my PIL have repeatedly behaved appallingly since our little one was born and my husband resents them for this more than I do, we have made o much effort and tried time & time again but with no joy yet my PIL maintain that they have behaved nothing but reasonably and I can assure you that this is not the case at all. This isn't to say that we are wholly innocent, i know there are times that we haven't behaved as nicely as we could have towards them but the difference is that we have done that out if reaction to them and theirs has been constant and often unprovoked. The other difference is that hike we hold our hands up to our part in it, They just can't see that they are at fault in anyway.

I hope you manage to work things out, loving grandparents are so valuable to a family in so many ways x

nanaej yes, we love family occassions too and tend to make a big thing of them. Luckily our DS2's wife comes from such a fmily too and so does our Ds3's fiancee. They both very much appreciate family and we are very lucky to have them. They love to come here and love to have us stay with them and I am sure when the babies come along we will be welcome too.

Another thought. If you have more than one DiL, what is your relationship with them? If good then it may be down to this DiL. What relationship does your DiL have with her extended family? If good then maybe some of it is down to you. If she also has problems with members of her own family then maybe it is her problem.

Yep! I definitely say enjoy your fortnightly outings with the little 'un and let them get on with it!