Being a long distance granny

I've sadly got used to the long distance thing since my first grandchild was born last October in USA. I saw him for a week when he was 5 weeks old and FaceTime weekly since then.
I'm actually dreading next week when they are visiting me for a week. How ridiculous does that sound!
Thing is, I've distanced myself to cope with the sadness and not sure how I'm going to cope with seeing him briefly and then going off again. I can't have him all to myself as they have lots of family to visit so in a strange way it's going to harder seeing him in the flesh.
Am I being ridiculous or does anyone know what I mean?

My grandchildren live 250 miles away in two different directions....nowadays its easy to have a phone conversation and Skype is a wonderful thing too which we do at every possible opportunity - Christmas, Birthdays, just for the fun of it etc! We love to visit whenever we can and certainly ensure that we seem them 3-4 times a year at least but working full time and shifts makes it just that bit harder! Another thing that we have found to bridge the gap is to send postcards and letters - maybe a bit old fashioned these days but they are things they love to receive. I also try to send them little presents (eg comics, pens etc) just so that they know we are thinking of them. And of course we upload pictures to share in the same way they do for us too. It makes the world a much smaller place but its not quite the same as a proper kiss and cuddle and hands on experience.....when this does happen we always just try to make it memorable for them an take them to places, take photos, pick up souvenirs etc, that they can stick into a scrap book to reminisce over.

I totally understand your feelings storynanny. We have just heard that my DS and DIL are coming from Australia with their new baby for Christmas. Although I know I want to see them I am dreading it too. So far, seeing the baby just a few times on Skype is almost bearable but I am so frightened of becoming attached to her when I meet her and then coping with the grief when they go. I also know they are planning to do lots of visiting and I really want them all to ourselves. My only way of getting through each day is keeping myself really busy so I have no time to think. The nights are another matter altogether,

TO STORYNANNY hi I totally and 100 per cent understand what you mean. My only child and my only granddaughter live in USA. My daughter married a lovely American man. When they came to England for a trip this summer for a couple of weeks, all that happens is I know however close I get to my granddaughter whilst she is here I will have to let her go again. It makes the time spent together almost surreal, or like a dream. I hardly Skype much as I hate not being able to touch or hug my granddaughter. And yes, I agree, in a weird sort of way you get used to them not being around. Only somebody in this situation could possibly understand this.
My granddaughter is just coming up to her second birthday. I would LOVE to get together with other grandparents in this situation as I often feel so isolated.

Thanks for your responses. I'm so sad that I shall never really know my own first grandchild like I know my partners grandchild who lives round the corner. I couldn't love him more if he was my own flesh and blood and have seen him nearly every day since he was born 3 years ago. It's made me so aware of how different it is to sky ping etc. Just the little things like picking him up from pre school and sharing his delight in the paintings he did there.
Sadly it doesn't help that my DIL has no interest in this side of the family.
As they are staying in my house I will at least get to have breakfast and a bedtime cuddle with him for a week. It's going to be hard. I will report back as to how I coped at the end of next week!

By the way, many years ago a wise friend said to me when her son was going of to university for the first time that when he comes home for holidays etc she " expects nothing and is pleasantly surprised if anything nice happens, like son wanting to spent time with parents" I've tried to follow this philosophy so I don't get disappointed when my adult children arrive for brief visits. Expect nothing and anything is a bonus.
Must keep telling myself that next week

I so hope that you can enjoy your time with your family. With luck when that little person comes into your home he will light it up and all your sadness will disappear -for a little while at least. I will be thinking of you and hope that you will be able to give me some tips for Christmas.

Thanks hespianxx

Lots of good ideas here but the long distance stuff doesnt replace a cuddle or the smell of a newborn, however - we have had that with our own children so must try to be unselfish. I am extremely lucky and even though I work, have almost daily contact with my 3 DG.
My problem is that I desperately want to live by the sea, currently reside in the town furthest from any coast), but didnt manage to engineer it when DC were little. In a couple of years I will be able to realise my dream but know that I will miss DG and DC terribly, my DD's dont really want me to go, esp eldest one and of course I do provide childcare.
I worry I will be crabby and resentful if I dont go and who will want to see me then but if I do go, I will be miserable and missed.
On balance, I think I must go and manage the consequences just as I would have to if DC had opportunities to move away and enjoy a better life. For me, I will be able to offer summer childcare, holidays and just as much love as ever. I just hope I have the courage to do it. My problem is probably me - I like to be involved and may have encouraged more dependence on me than I should have done so am working on that one.

We are just back from Vancouver after visiting our elder son, Canadian wife and our 10 month old grandson who we haven't seen since he was 7 weeks old. He's an absolute poppet

It was very hard leaving as we have no idea when we'll see them again apart from Skype, photos and iPhone videos that both my son and daughter-in-law send frequently.

I now realise just how my parents and in-laws felt when OH & I embarked on 10 years of overseas postings in 1974 as both our sons were born outside the U.K. - in Bonn & Khartoum.

And if having one son in Canada isn't enough, our younger son and his partner have recently emigrated to Perth, WA and their baby - another grandson - is due in 2 weeks. We hope to see them next August.

When we'll all be together as a family again is anyone's guess. We've always encouraged the boys to travel and see the world - and that's what they've done with our blessing as there is no future for either of them here in U.K. I might add that they are both engineers but in different fields.

I am lucky that my three children live in the same country, but Australia is big. I do travel as often as I can to see two of my children and their families and now live next door to my youngest daughter. I miss that we don't all live close anymore as we used to do lots of things together and my grandchildren were very close.

From this coming Thursday we will finally be spending a week together. I have been looking forward to this time and my grandchildren are very excited at seeing each other.

Life is all checks and balances, hellos and goodbyes. I have sat at the back a plane sobbing my heart out after bidding goodbye to my only daughter and whichever grandchildren, if any, existed on that particular visit. I have stood at the departures gate watching her/them go through – the first time she was only 17 years old – biting back the tears, smiling and waving bravely. Better that every time than never seeing them.

I have also listened to friends and read posts on gransnet who feel that their sons or daughters demand too much childcare, take them for granted in a casual way and who are finding it exhausting/interfering with their own lives/just too much.

I have now emigrated and live 15 minutes' drive from my daughter's house instead of some 39 hours or more travelling time. My choice. I do quite a lot of childcare but then I am making up for lost time. Sometimes it all gets out of hand and I know Mr absent (step father) sometimes finds it a little hard having never had much to do with young children. Absentdaughter suddenly announced that she has a full day course tomorrow, so I have five grandchildren arriving for breakfast and returning at the end of the school day. Mind you, they absolutely adore Mr absent's porridge (I should have bought a bigger microwave).

I have spent all my savings getting here, getting my beloved old cats here and setting up home here – about £20,000. I am living in rented accommodation for the first time since I was in my twenties. My clients are a bit uncertain about asking me to do work for them, although I have written books (or part of them) during previous visits to New Zealand.

I reckon all blessings in life are mixed.

What a lovely post absent.

DD3 lives only 2 miles away and sometimes I wish it was a little bit further as she has two under 2 and is setting up a business with a friend. . But, I am aware that this time will bear fruit as they get older and feel so at home here.

for people who don't have the chance to be exhausted by their grandchildren on a regular basis.

So true absent and so glad it is working out.

So many of these comments echo my thoughts and the separation hasn't even happened yet!!!. My daughter and her Australian husband have a beautiful daughter now 18 months old. Although they live a 4hr car journey away, we mangage to see them all every 4-5 weeks. We even go away on holiday together. We cherish the time we spend with them all so much and I know my daughter and her husband value the support we have been able to give them, because we are both retired now..... But.... the 'elephant in the room' is always when will they return to Australia? They plan to do this sometime in the future and are chosing not to buy a property over here for that reason. Yet no date has been decided on and it may not be for a few years.
Logically I know I should 'love them enough to let them go' but when I think about it happening, I feel so sad and if the subject creeps into the conversation, the feeling is like being kicked in the stomach and I just go quiet. I know I shouldn't and I should embrace their plans but its soooo hard.

I can totally understand how you feel about the possibility of them moving away. We have a son, daughter, and a grand- daughter there which is like an ache that never goes away. Here we have another son, his wonderful wife and two grandchildren who we see almost every day. I live in fear that they might decide to join the others in the "New World". We cannot even bring up the subject with them and I just don't know how we would cope if they said they were going too.
Try just to make the most of them while they are here. Everything is temporary I'm afraid.

Beautiful post there Absent which gives hope to those of us struggling with long distance grandparenting.

My son has lived in Holland for 12 years and is now in Qatar for 3 years. I had almost got used to having three grandchildren in Holland but now they feel so far away I have been feeling low since they went in January. As usual it is difficult to contact them by skype, poor internet connections, time difference, busy lives etc. I always try to plan to have something interesting to tell or show them. I send photos of things I have been doing and I look at their things on Facebook. Presents are now a problem as postage to Qatar is astronomical and things go astray. I am visiting in November but weight restrictions mean that presents will have to be tiny so imagination has to be used. I am very lucky to have two grandchildren 4 miles away and my relationship with them is very different, I looked after them for two days a week from when their mum went back to work to them starting school. I know their preferences, foibles, and love in such a different way. No amount of trying to be brave can ever make up the missing times with my three in Qatar but I know that their lives are enriched by the new experience and that my son has a wonderful opportunity to enhance his career.

I have been a long distance grandmother to my two grandchildren since they were a few months old as I moved to live in Dubai with my husband. All I can say is thank goodness for Skype! We Skype every week and fortunately for me, as I'm not working, I'm able to visit the UK every few months.

Well it was even harder than i imagined mainly because dil is not interested in her english relatives by marriage. Very difficult to bond with a little one when you are barely allowed to touch him. Dont know how to move on from this really.

Storynanny I am so sorry. I can imagine how it felt for you. This is also my fear as the relationship with our DIL is strained to say the least. My other DIL was so generous and unselfish with her babies but not all mummies are like that. Did you manage to speak to your son about how you felt?

Sadly no as im too scared to rock the boat and spoil the relationship with my son. Not sure I would be brave enough to say anything other than " i was a bit surprised that DIL didnt trust me to change a nappy, push a buggy, give a bath, give suitable toys for playing with etc"
Im being very reticent here, to be honest it was beyond horrible.
Not sure where to go from here.

I really don't know what to suggest but I do understand exactly how you must feel. All I can suggest is to try to focus on your step grandchild who you have a wonderful relationship with and treasure that. So many people never experience that kind of love. The quote "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...... etc " comes to mind. I recite it to myself so often but I find it so much easier to say than do! Hugs for you.

I understand the sadness of you long distance grannies.Enjoy the Skyping,phone calls,letters etc. Spare a thought for the GNs who are denied all contact with their GC even though they may be living nearby.

Storynanny so sorry the visit didn't go as well as you hoped. I think that the fact your DIL didn't trust you enough with the baby is another symptom of being a long distance GParent. Last time I saw my son and family he left my GD with me and my daughter while he and DIL went out for the day. He was telling me what I should and shouldn't do with her until my DD said ' you can trust Mum with her you know!' He then checked himself and said how unused to having that trust in someone he was. There are no relatives to help where he lives in NZ.
I also totally empathise with long distance GPs who are dreading spending time with their grandchildren because of the subsequent pain of separation. Everyone keeps telling me to go to NZ to visit the family but I know that if I go there and get close to my GD it will make it all the harder when I get back home. You get accustomed to their absence but visits just make it harder in the long run (selfish I expect but you have to protect yourself somehow!)