Being a long distance granny

Speldnan Of course it's hard to say goodbye after a visit. Isn't it far better to visit, to get to know your granddaughter, to spend time with her and play with her for a few weeks and become close to her, than not? She will remember your visits from photographs and from the things you did with her and I am sure your son and DiL will talk about you to her after you have left. My GC's have photos of their late Grandad and me in their rooms, along with ones of their Aunts and cousins so we are a constant in their lives. I hate leaving them and my daughter but we have regular contact by Skype and phone and given the choice - seeing them or not seeing them because of being miserable at the thought of parting - I know which one I would make every time!

Storynanny

I agree with Gally. It's heart wrenching to say good bye but it does get easier. You learn to, as Gally once said, "put it in a box" and focus your mind elsewhere when you have to make that separation.
The nub of the long distance GP thing came to me recently - you have all that love you want to give and you are largely prevented from doing so.

Thank you for all your kind words im trying to be positive. It will be a year probably before i see them again so plenty of time for skyping etc.

I too am a long distance grandma. My granddaughter is one year old and I have had a photograph or video every day since I left them in Australia just after she was born. It helps to ease the sadness of not having her closer and makes me feel I have shared all of the milestones in her life so far. It helps to have such a wonderful daughter.

I've just returned from visiting my son and his family in the States. I have two delightful grandchildren aged 5 and 3. It was a wonderful visit to a happy, carefree, jumbly-rumbly family. My 5 yr. old grandson is autistic.
I returned last Saturday, and am content and happy that they have a good life, with terrific support for their son. I was expecting the long-distance granny-blues - but they are nowhere in sight. I think that says a lot about their delight in having me to stay, and my delight in their happiness. Maybe I'm still on a high - I don't know - but long may it last.

I do know it get's me down some days, but on the whole not a lot.
We email and skype regularly.

Grandmalove - Yes! In my case it helps to have a wonderful son and daughter-in-law.

Fabulous, ffinocchio. I love your description - rumbly-jumbly! So glad it all went well. I expect it wasn't long before they were heavily into the hugs, games and fun with you. Children know very well when we are thrilled to be with them.

Welcome back f

Thanks, when. My little granddaughter decided to call me 'grown-up sister' - well that's what we all decided she was trying to say. I was happy to go with that.

Thanks Jess. It was a great trip.

Hi all. I am just on the last day of a trip to australia to see our 2 lovely gc. First tine meeting the 4 month old . My dd has announced she is pregnant again so we will have to wait until next year to meet the third !! The trip has been wonderful in terms of meeting the boys but hard as we have been staying withv my dd and it took us a good week to feel relaxed as dd seemed to be in a constant state of stress. My husband has painted all of the house they have moved into and I have looked after the boys. They truly are so special and Skype certainly made it easy for our 18 month old grandson to feel at ease with us straight away. But I am dreading leaving and know I will be inconsolable and it's harder as I have mentioned before on this site I have a disabled son and these trips are not easy for him. I will try hard to get back to our life in the uk and hope to Skype lots .
It really is so difficult but it helps to know I'm not alone x

Im still finding it hard to come to terms with the sad fact that my DIL is simply not interested in this side of the family. Im trying to use the quote earlier in this thread, God grant me etc.
I think I will delete my facebook account as its too hard seeing constant references and pictures of my son and grandson involved in daily activity with the family the other side of the world and no pictures or references at all of my family, not even a mention of visiting the UK. Its as if we just dont exist. Im becoming ridiculous and paranoid so going to close the account and what I dont see cant upset me. If that makes sense.
Have decided after trying for a good few years with his wife, Im concentrating on maintaining a good, if long distance relationship with my son. No point in trying to talk to him about it as quite rightly he will support his wife. Anyway I can remember the time many years ago when my parents tried to criticise my choice of boyfriend! of course they turned out to be right but I certainly wasnt going to listen to them at the time and I was very prickly!

I think focussing on your son sounds like the way to go storynanny - who knows what is going on in DIL's head.
hopeful I know what you mean about staying - it is quite an adaptation to just move in with them for a few weeks from a standing start isn't it.

Yes Jess, im determined not to be the MIL moaned about on one of those other sites!

Oh storynanny that is hard. You definitely deserve better than that But I am feeling pretty rejected myself and that is by my own daughter! I have a friend visiting her granddaughter in America and have seen how excited her family are to have her visit. Pictures on fb etc. I realised that my daughter had not mentioned our visit and I was aware when we were there that no photos were taken except by us. It does hurt as this was our first visit to Oz and my husband spent most of the time painting hanging pictures and pretty much doing up the whole house. I realise my daughters stress levels were high as she has two children under two and a third on the way but she did behave rather badly and I cant ever have imagined treating my parents in this way and they only lived round the corner. She has been more attentive since we left than when we were there! I just don't understand. I wonder sometimes if she is struggling but wont admit it to us as she would feel a failure. Her in laws travel out there more often as they are retired and do not have the responsibilities that we have with our son and my dad etc . I wish I could just not get caught up in the pain of this but it is hard eh. We were so close but its like she has built this barrier around her and the only person who can make her smile is her husband. I know in that first week we were there if I could have got a flight home I would have gone. But I am glad that didn't happen as it may have ruined the relationship completely. I know I need to just get on with life and hope that she will mellow once her children get older but in the meantime we can continue to stay in touch on Skype etc. The grandchildren are wonderful and I want to maintain a good relationship with them so back to counselling to offload and here of course. Yes Jess it certainly was a challenge. I think my husband felt like the hired help by the end of it all. We were more than happy to help out but my daughters attitude made it very uncomfortable!.

What a strange complaint!... That a daughter didn't take or post on FB photos of your visit!

She has two kids under two and another on the way, you say, and she may be highly stressed because of that. And you expect her to "be attentive" to you?

Yikes.

Have a heart thatbags. Sometimes we just need to be reassured that we are still needed by/ loved by/ important to our grown up children. We are not all strong, independent, secure in ourselves and in our own lives. Not all the time anyway. We may be getting older but speaking for myself, I sometimes feel downright childish. I know it's not a good thing but there we are, I'm far from perfect.

I'm sure hopefulnanny and her husband did everything to help her daughter with love and a brave smile, but that doesn't mean they weren't disappointed if the visit didn't quite live up to their hopes. Particularly as it's so far away and they can't just nip out there again in a hurry.

hopefulnanny, do you think there's a chance your daughter is in fact missing you and has built up a barrier to make it easier for her to cope with that? I might be very wide of the mark but it's just a thought. It must be so hard for all of you with families so very far away.

Have you thought of checking with your daughter first then putting your pictures on Facebook for her to share? My daughters don't like pictures of their children on FB but I did slip up with some wedding photos although I normally stick with the rules.

Good point nightowl, we can all feel a bit down or neglected sometimes and it's much worse when they are so far away, I understand as some of my family are far away too.

Hopefulnanny how about putting photos on to FB that don't have family members in them. You must have taken lots if pictures, some views, perhaps some of your DH. That way you can't possibly upset you DD and you will feel that at least you have shown people where you've been and what you've done

Your daughter sounds a bit stressed. I am always aware that there is a balance to be struck between being a useful guest that reduces stress levels (doing the washing, occupying the children) and being a guest who adds to stress levels (leaving my mess around - v tidy DIL, untidy me - and winding the children up into a frenzy or otherwise upsetting their balance) I can see what hard work it is for the parents managing 2 jobs and 2 kids.
I think it is a mistake to compare FB points with someone else, or compare anything really. Every family is different and the last thing I would want is to be the kind of mother that demanded attention and got stroppy or upset if I didn't get it. (DIL has one of those already) Having said all that, it can be a hard road to travel "bags" at time. You know what they say about walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

If I lived close to my daughter, I would just call in for a coffee and chat perhaps a couple of times a week. Now I have a 40-hour journey and stay for six weeks. I do take myself out for walks and she lends me her car to go exploring when she is busy, but I do feel that it is a bit of an imposition of her and her lovely husband. I suggested that I just stay for two weeks, but they wouldn't hear of it and they both say they love having me there.
Last year, I took a week out to visit the fjiords and glaciers, and this year I am spending the first week touring North Island. I do offer to help, but she has been used to working full time as well as studying and bringing up six children, so she is ultra efficient and now she doesn't have to work she is really on top of the chores. My SIL is equally useful and they enjoy working together in the garden and with the animals. In their current home, I could walk to the local shop but they will be in their lovely new house on 1st November and it is more remote. I will still be able to feed the animals, or perhaps pick up the children from school once they are no longer using the school bus.
It helps that I am in constant contact with her and the children via Facebook and free phone calls, but I can understand why there might be some tension during a long visit if that is not possible.
It is also likely that we long distance mothers build up great hopes before our holidays and if everything is not just as we hoped it can feel like a big let-down. I am very lucky that my daughter and her family are all so relaxed and happy, but I can sympathise completely with both mother and daughter if there is some tension.

Visits from such a distance are always stressful, however close the family member. I am hugely privileged to have 2 DDs nearby and we can just have quick visits and I can withdraw pdq when I can see that they need to do other things. But visits to my DD up north are very different as we feel slightly in the way (no fault of DD) because we are guests and cannot just pop home at an appropriate moment.

Try not to take it to heart - try to remember how difficult it can be having guests for a long visit - even close family. Your DD sounds as though she has a huge amount on her plate; and it is significant that you somehow get on better after you are not staying there.

Treasure that relationship - and how about trying the bedtime story thing - I htink that sounds a truly inspired idea!

Good luck with it all.

I agree that visits to long distance family can easily be stressful. We had not had so much as a cup of tea in my DS and DIL's home when they lived in London (50 miles away). They came to us very frequently for the weekend and we always did the hosting. When in London we ate out or went to cafes with them as their flat was tiny. When we visited Oz we stayed with them for three weeks first time and the second visit was for their wedding and included a time at the wedding venue. Both visits were extremely uncomfortable but on reflection I think they probably felt quite overcome. We did try very hard to help them out and relieve their pressure but they both work extremely long hours and have a long commute so we felt very let down that we hardly saw them. We did wonder why we had made the very long and expensive journey. I also agree about the barriers being built. We NEVER discuss any of the things I would like to, like how my DS feels living there surrounded by in laws and other new people. I would just for once like to hear him say he misses anything about his former life!

I can't agree with your last point, hespian - I would hate my daughter to say she missed anything other then her other children and her grandchildren in England. I am delighted that they are all so happy and settled in New Zealand.
Of course, my circumstances are rather different from those of most of you, as I have lived abroad for most of my daughter's adult life, albeit a bit nearer to them than I am now! It hasn't stopped me having a great relationship with her and her six children, and now her grandchildren, so I hope all of you can take heart from my experience.

@Nightowl. I agree with everything you said. I do feel that they put up barriers to protect themselves from feeling homesick or irritation at the aged parents or being made to feel incompetent because we can cook a meal and entertain children and etc etc.