Being a long distance granny

I do have a heart, nightowl, and I sometimes feel childish too, but where my daughter who has kids is concerned, I squash any such feelings as unworthy of me. Feeling childish and being childish are two different things. I don't think it's about having a heart; I think it's about choosing not to be selfish.

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what I think. I'm not saying I'm perfect, only that I'm ashamed of myself if I expect DD to consider me more when she has small children to deal with and is obviously stressed.

That said, my grown up daughters are considerate. Maybe I'm just lucky.

Not sure I'd ever judge their considerateness on whether they took photos when I was visiting them though . I just think that's a weird expectation to have. Someone with small kids, who is pregnant and who has her parents visiting (more cooking, washing, etc) can be excused taking photos I think.

I speak as someone who finds having visitors very stressful but also very enjoyable. The enjoyment makes the stress worth dealing with in a grown up way. And putting up with a few things that you would prefer were otherwise.

Its strangely comforting to know others understand how I feel. Im really determined not to become one of those annoying MILs. Im nowhere near perfect but i want to beyond reproach as far as my DIL is concerned. Sometimes I do think, actually Im worth more than dismissal by her, both in her spoken and unspoken actions.
Im focussing on the positives, I can see them on facetime frequently, I've got a lovely partner, lovely 3 year old grandson of my partner just around the corner, I'm reasonably healthy, my eldest sons partner in London is delightful, lovely kind supportive bunch of girlfriends. "Everyone is different" keep repeating over and over again!

I am a long(ish) distance grannie and have missed my only grandchildren (2) growing up, we are constantly in touch via telephone and rarely skpye. How the time has flown since they were born, one moment babies and then, grown lads, I have missed the cuddles, the secrets which we grannies love to share with the small people, the kissing better when they have their problems, the little gifts to light their faces, oh yes it's not been easy. I am fortunate that I am able to see them maybe 2/3 times a year but the emptiness when leaving them is 'not nice'. The world is so different today, probable there is almost no families whose children have not ventured abroad to live, whilst it is good for them, not so good for us. (the parents) But changes will continue as long as the world is round. Have a good day all of you long distance grandparents.
X

I know you have a heart thatbags, it was just an expression. But you give such an impression of coping with things that some of us can feel a bit inadequate at times. And I know that might be unfair because you have also posted about having to cope with very difficult health problems. So you are obviously good at putting on a brave face. I'm afraid I'm not very good at that, however hard I try (and I do try). I don't think I would cope very well as a long distance grandparent, and it could easily happen to me one of these days.

Thanks, nightowl . I was in a similar position of expecting, because of our respective circumstances, to be a long distance grandparent (though nothing like across to the other side of the world!). I don't think it occurred to me to think I wouldn't be able to cope with it, only that I would bloody well have to.

And my daughter would have to cope with not having parents or parents-in-law nearby too.

As I did.

As my parents did.

DD is now within less than an hour's drive from her in-laws or, rather, they from her as she doesn't drive (her partner does). I'm glad about that for my grandsons' sake, especially as GS1 has such a special relationship with his paternal grandad.

Essentially, so long as the kids and grandkids are happy I'm happy too, and the two or three times a year I see them are glorious highlights in my calendar.

There's a balance to be struck, isn't there? No, our children don't need us leaning on them and causing more work than busy young mums need, but they also want to know they're needed, too. Us being overly independent can sometimes bother them. My children asked me if I'd end up being a right pain in the neck if my wings were clipped by frailty or illness, as when I was very ill a few years ago, they were rather firm with me about taking control whilst I recovered. During one deep conversation with my son, he said they'd had a family conference and were concerned that I would come to grief if I lived alone till I was better. I relinquished the reins for three months and it was a salutary lesson in understanding what visiting for long periods can be like for all parties.

I was keen not to interfere or create more work whilst staying with my daughter, but not always successful, and we learned to joke about those MiL stereotypes, and this has continued. Now, if an uncomfortable issue comes up, they'll say 'you know she's going to go 'all mother-in-law' on you, don't you?' I will joke 'you know you've never been good enough for my daughter!' and the heat goes out of the situation. Why should we be treading on eggshells when we want to need and be needed?

You don't get rewards for trying to be beyond reproach and worthy. In fact in my family I would get told to stop trying to be perfect as it would make them feel they shouldn't be slipping up, and life isn't like that. Good enough is a happy state

Unless you've actually been in that position and experienced it first hand it is hard to fully appreciate how painful it can be to miss seeing your grandchildren growing up. Some describe it almost like a bereavement. Almost, but not quite.

Thanks ladies for your responses. I wrote that in the early hours when I couldn't sleep and had so much going round in my head . Thatsbag your comments were quite harsh . Maybe the way I put it over was wrong but I think I had just seen what a happy reunion picture it was and just felt a bit sad. And let me add that my daughter was constantly on fb whilst I was there! But you are entitled to your opinion . You other ladies thanks for understanding . Long distance relationships are hard and painful. I do think there is some truth in the barrier thing. I do think it must be hard for her at times. I will try to post some pictures that we took and tag them to her. You have all given me plenty to think about.
Thanks again
X

I think your comments about your daughter are quite harsh too, hopeful, and lacking in empathy. This perhaps explains my response!

Good post, when, showing deep understanding.

My Dd1 is constantly not on FB but on her blackberry with work related stuff plus tweeting when I'm there and it infuriates me as I deliberately clear my diary for when she and her family visit us so I know how you fee*hopefuln*. If your DD hasn't taken photos or in other words taken you both for granted then it is hurtful and disappointing but we are not the centre of their lives any more. I just dislike the idea that (for me ) if she can tweet or text so avidly why can't she email me or phone me.

Until you have suffered the grief of having a daughter cut you out of her life, you cannot really know how lucky you are to have a child who loves you, wherever she is in the world. However, I do understand the wrench when you have to leave part of your family on the other side of the world. My daughter and her husband are adamant that I should emigrate before I become frail, so I can enjoy (with them) the wonderful outdoor life in NZ but it will mean leaving my other daughter and I will probably never see her again.

I don't think anything is certain. My brother was totally out of contact with my mother uNtil just before she died a and then disappeared off the radar again for I think nearly 20 years. You may be very surprised when you leave Europe Greatnan that your daughter may be jolted into realizing what she's lost.

I hope you are right, Stansgran, but I fear she will see it as my having abandoned her.

I know I am fortunate to have my family of 2 DDs , their partners & children living within a few minutes of my home. It was a deliberate move so that we could offer support for childcare so my DDs can work.

I would be devastated if either chose to move overseas but would try hard to put on a brave face as I know they would have thought long and hard about it but until I have experienced that I cannot know what it feels like.

Re the issue of photos etc... I am not sure why grandparents cannot take their own or have the camera/smart phone and say to DS or DD 'Would you mind taking a picture' I am sure they would not refuse!

Tbh because I see the DGC 2-3 times a week at birthdays and special occasions I rarely feature in pics because other grandparents, who see the kids less often, are more keen to have their picture taken.

When, by beyond reproach I meant that I am refraining from saying or doing anything which could possibly be misinterpreted as interfering or critical re the upbringing of their children. Im nowhere near perfection!

I understand, storynanny. It's hard, feeling that you need to watch how you are in case it doesn't go down well. I hope things improve for you. Having had a vengeful ex-DiL who would for over a year deprive me of contact with grandson unless I jumped through hoops, I remember that feeling. Fortunately, that's now in the past, but anything that gets in the way of that precious relationship with grandchildren, becomes something to be avoided at all costs.

I think the photo thing has becomes a bit more of an issue than I even thought it would be. I know the context in which it was meant and it definitely isn't the way that Thatsbag has interpreted it making it seem that I have no empathy or understanding for my daughter. . But I know this not to be true so I don't want or feel I need to be justify this to her. I did take lots of photos and video which I will be sending copies to the family. This was a trip planned for many months due to my sons disability and the logistics of getting him there . And we won't be doing it again for many years if ever.
But I do appreciate all of the views and comments and know that there are lots of us long distant nannies who are struggling to deal with having family so far away . We all deal with it in different ways but hopefully always with empathy for each other.
Thanks again

Hopeful sadly some people pick away at words or one idea and cannot get beyond that to the real issue. Others just talk about 'me, me, me' all the time.

It's just their nature and they perhaps don't mean to be hurtful or egocentric.

The majority of people on GN however do actually listen and emphasise and give good advice using their own experience to draw on. Others just offer a kind word, which helps too.

Thanks AKA . Gransnet has always been a great support to me in the past and I have never encountered this kind of thing before . To be honest I was not going to post again as I came on here for advice not to be made to feel like a rubbish mum. But your understanding and kind words and that of the majority of people on here have made me realise that I shouldn't allow one persons comments to overshadow my experience .
Thanks again

hopeful

Good for you hopefulnanny

Aka I agree 100% with you. Brilliant post

Good post Aka but I must defend Bags who I have always found to be a kind and compassionate poster. I'm sure she didn't intend to hurt you hopefulnanny and will be very concerned to think that she has done. You are so clearly not a "rubbish mum" and, like the rest of us,just find it hard to do the dancing on eggshells which we Grans seem to have to do periodically!