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Grandparenting

im too old fashioned

(39 Posts)
cactus60 Wed 11-Dec-13 19:01:56

I have a lovely almost 1 year old granddaughter and I was invited to her party, however the other gran is having one too which I was not invited to as it was for her family, my daughter has now cancelled our party and said she just wants to come to see me and have a cuppa. I am gutted I really wanted to see the little ones first party. On talking about it my daughter revealed that she is scared of causing an argument because Im old, old fashioned and don't drink alcohol. the other gran is only a few years younger but she dresses like a teenager, lots of make up, high boots, lots of studs and sparkles, she also boasts that she drinks lots of alcohol and gets drunk frequently. I think that for a baby party she should abstain from drink in front of the child until she has gone home.
I have no problem with people who like alcohol but it seems they have one with me, I don't know how to change now and don't want to, I live very quietly but I don't want to be scorned by my family what can I do

tanith Wed 11-Dec-13 19:18:25

Different families have different ways of celebrating birthdays cactus and in some, the grown ups join in and party too. Its not my idea of a childs birthday party but its just the way it is.. If its really not possible for you to join them even for a little while then why don't you take your daughter and granddaughter out to tea somewhere and celebrate quietly.

janeainsworth Wed 11-Dec-13 22:03:41

I agree with Tanith, just be yourself. I'm sure your daughter loves you the way you are.
Perhaps your daughter was under pressure from her MiL and thought that two parties would be too much for the little one.
I feel the same about birthdays as I do about Christmas - it's just another day and nothing to get upset about. I have to feel like this because two of my 3 DGCs live in the USA and I have learned to treasure the times I do have with them, rather than feeling sad about the times I don't. It doesn't matter whether those times are their birthdays or not. flowers

Aka Wed 11-Dec-13 22:58:39

That's a crying shame Cactus. I'm not sure if you are saying you will still see your GD on her birthday or not? I think perhaps you mean they will both visit for that 'cup of tea' so you will be able to give her your present then?

One suggestion. If the other grandma is a studs and boots, mascara and slap, G&T sort of grandma, then rejoice in being yourself, a cuddly grandma who doesn't mind sticky fingers and is always ready with a smile. Vive la difference!

glammanana Thu 12-Dec-13 07:46:37

cactus60 You just carry on being the loving nanna that you are your little one will know the difference in time and will come to you for those special cuddles,enjoy your time with your daughter on the day and make or buy a special cake to celebrate this special time,I too am of the opinion that drinks etc should really be kept away from childrens parties but you find so many parties now have catering set up just for adults which sometimes takes over from the original celebrations.

thatbags Thu 12-Dec-13 08:01:35

One year olds don't need parties. I'm really glad your daughter is coming to see you. That's what's important.

LizG Thu 12-Dec-13 08:03:13

You are child focussed, the other gran is party focussed; whose birthday is it anyway? Be proud of what you are cactus and don't change flowers

Kiora Thu 12-Dec-13 09:09:07

My now 16 year old Granddaughter proudly used to tell people that she had 1 nanny who used to take her shopping and go to party's all dressed up and 1 nanna who played dens under the table and go puddle dancing but she had to wear scruffy old clothes with the nanna. Guess which one i was? I used to see more of her but now the other nanny does. That's fine I'd hate to spend time shopping and in nail bars. It helps that I really like the glamorous nanny but what I'm saying is we each bring different things into our grandchildren's lives and they love us for it and learn from it. So don't you change one bit. You have just as much to give. I'd like to see your daughters face if the next time you met you had acquired a tattoo, skimpy top, leather trousers, red high heels and a stud through your nose. But at the same time nor should the other gran she too has a lot to give. Your little Granddaughter is going to have lots of wonderful memories of two very different grans.

Ariadne Thu 12-Dec-13 09:17:15

Lovely post, Kiora! You have really clarified things, and I agree with you. Still, I can understand why cactus feels sad.

Stansgran Thu 12-Dec-13 09:45:48

I missed the puddle dancing. Love it.

Mishap Thu 12-Dec-13 10:13:12

Children need a bit of everything in their lives and to learn to enjoy very different people for very different reasons.

Two of my GC, who live locally, have exactly that scenario: one lot of GPs are party animals, very outgoing, quite rumbustious and when they go there they leap about and run and jump. When they come to us they look at books, look though our astronomical telescope, play music on the piano, go for nature walks, bake cakes - and they love that too.

And they see how we get on well with the other set of GPs and will indeed be sharing Christmas with them - and that is a valuable lesson for them, to see that very different people can get on well together.

The party (which does not sound like my idea of a children's party!) will happen; and then it will be your turn to offer her something very different and infinitely more precious: your undivided attention in a quiet environment with lots of cuddles and playing with whatever lovely toy that you will have chosen for her. Just enjoy!

kittylester Thu 12-Dec-13 10:30:59

Exactly what everyone else said! tchgrin

I am, by no stretch of anyone's imagination, a glamorous gran but when DGD1 wanted someone to take her shopping for her 'very lutifull' dress it was me she asked. [thrilledatthehonouremoticon] I'm still not sure whether that was because she knows she would get exactly what she wants as her other grandma has quite 'decided' views or because I 'get' princesses and the other grandma doesn't!

We each bring different things to our grandchildren and seeing them and being yourself will be what counts.

Being friends with the 'others', whatever you may think of them, is the way forward. I've also noticed from our grandchildren that there is quite a bit of claiming they look like one side or another but that soon wears off as they become people in their own right. Actually, thinking about it, the DGC are all so goodlooking they must take after our side. tchgrin

MargaretX Thu 12-Dec-13 10:41:50

The 'other gran' sounds common to me, it could be that the other gran feels common when you are there without sexy boots and sparkles, and prove that you can go out somewhere without a drink. She can't!

mollie Thu 12-Dec-13 11:15:10

I agree with the good advice already given: be yourself! A first birthday isn't really the same as a first 'real' birthday party with games and jelly and ice cream and all those things. The baby won't know what's going on and you won't enjoy what's being planned and no doubt there will be tears before bedtime. Make a birthday celebration that reflects your relationship with your grandchild, that's what we do and it's a much nicer way to grow memories.

janeainsworth Thu 12-Dec-13 17:21:37

MargaretX I suspect you were not the only one who thought that, but the only one brave enough to write it tchgrin

KatyK Thu 12-Dec-13 17:33:54

I don't know why but I LOVE the word 'common'. It conjures up such a picture ! tchgrin

kittylester Thu 12-Dec-13 17:36:05

Quite Jane

annodomini Thu 12-Dec-13 17:39:06

I usually went south for their early birthdays. These were far more for the adults than for the children who really didn't understand what was going on. A parent has to stay and be entertained because they can't leave a baby or small toddler at a party unaccompanied. Later parties are, rightly, about the children and their friends. Some of them have now given up parties and are happy to be taken out for a meal with friends. You really aren't missing very much, cactus60. In fact, just count your blessings that you live close enough to them to be able to have them round for tea. Wish I could. tchenvy

Nonu Thu 12-Dec-13 17:44:24

KATY , I do too, don"t know why ?

Nonu Thu 12-Dec-13 17:48:45

Sounds so delightfully "Old School"!!
tchgrin

Nonu Thu 12-Dec-13 17:55:52

Or do mean old fashioned ?
giggle

Deedaa Thu 12-Dec-13 23:04:38

I think your daughter probably suggested the cuppa because she thinks it's something you would prefer. I really wouldn't worry about the first party - it all goes right over the head of a one year old anyway. I would just enjoy being different, it will be good for your grandchild to realise that everyone is different.

FlicketyB Fri 13-Dec-13 17:35:57

Sorry, I think your daughter was wrong, you should have been included in the party no matter what the other grandmother does. Your daughter should have simply said 'as it is DS/DDs first birthday I think it would be nice to have both grandmothers there' and stood firm. Why should saying this cause an argument? You choose to dress the way you do and the other grandmother dresses the way she does. Ditto over drinking alcohol. Your daughter should never feel ashamed of you just because you refuse to conform with her husband's family.

If you sat there like death's head at the feast looking disapprovingly at the other grandma and the alcohol and spreading doom and gloom she might have a point, but you do not give the impression that you do. If you drink lemonade or water (sparkling or not) who is to know whether there is gin or vodka in it or not.

MargaretX Fri 13-Dec-13 19:22:45

janeainsworth Was that brave? Remember we had a post on being 'common' and I grew up with it as according to my mother We weren't common! It is such a useful word.

janeainsworth Fri 13-Dec-13 21:30:50

Well Margaret with my mother, someone was always 'common as muck' so not very complimentarygrin
One of those words which is rather hard to define, but often very tempting to apply!