Do children really need grandparents?

I never knew any of my grandparents, but would love to have known my mother's mother, who died when I was 4 months old, because of the stories that both my parents used to tell us about her. She was a headmistress in a village school, and used to play the piano for the troops when she had singsongs during the war in the schoolhouse. She kept a perpetual diary and wrote in it the dates of all her family births marriages and deaths, very useful when you are doing the family tree.
My children have the continuity of knowing all their grandparents, and my grandchildren knew all their grandparents.
I have just come back from one son's house. His six year old daughter found last year's diary, in which she had written, "Granny's birthday today. Hooray!" and "Nana's birthday today. That's good." Nana is her great granny, my husband's mother, so my granddaughter obviously appreciates having grans around.
My other son's wife tells her stepdaughters to have water to drink in my house when I've asked them if they want fruit juice or hot chocolate. I tell her to get lost, my house, my rules, they can have what they want.
That's the advantage of not knowing how grans are supposed to behave.

It's difficult to generalise - it really depends on the child and on the grandparents. I was especially fond of my maternal granddad and still miss him. My dad suffered from depression and was rather self-absorbed and so my relationship with my "papa" was very important to me, particularly as I was an only child. And as dogsdinner says, many grandparents are an essential part of their grandchildren's lives because they play a part in caring for them while parents work, when they are ill, etc., etc.

I think it's a perfectly reasonable question to put, and there's no reason to get upset about it.

I belong to a group of grandparents raising their grandchildren. In my opinion these children do need their grandparents.

A few years ago I heard my grandsons excited voice shout in absolute awe "cor look at the size of this c.d", after coming across a stash of L.P's

nightowl; I love your 'bridge to the past' idea. Don't feel so bad now about the collection of junk in my house that I've always thought my grandchildren would find interesting one day [eg box old old cameras above my desk including a Brownie Box; 'Granny did people REALLY use those years ago?'; Betamax video recorder;I could go on ]....

Forget it.

Yes. I know you did. That's why I find your view surprising.

I don't know exactly what it is you are saying. But I think it sounds a little bit unfair to grannies!

Why would you want to undermine our feeling of being needed? Everyone wants to feel that.

jinglebell I'm not hellbent on anything, least of all making a case for grannies being unnecessary. I am merely puzzled about commonly encountered and, I think, generally accepted suggestions about the so-called loss to a child who does not have and has never had a close relationship with one when I suspect that the loss, if there is any, is all on the side of the adult. It's the adult perception of this that puzzles me and it seems to be a peculiarly modern phenomenon. I just wondered what others thought.

For the record, I made it clear that I think a loving and close relationship across the generations is a wonderful and mutually beneficial thing and I am not trying to undermine it. Heavens above – I flew halfway across the world and spent all my savings to be able to live close to my grandchildren.

It is perfectly possible for children to grow up much loved, well balanced, happy and well rounded & be without grandparents.

It is equally possible for children to be used and misused as pawns in family feuds and rows with grandparents which cannot be good for them so I those circumstances they are better off without.

In cases where parent/s are ill, deceased, separated etc and loving & positive relationships exist between all remaining adults then grandparents are brilliant and probably 'needed' to support the grandchildren to feel safe and secure.

Whatever the family situation, when relationships are warm and caring between all generations, or at least civil, then grandparents can add a wonderful dimension the grandchildren's lives and that of their parents.

However I think grandparents are far more likely to need their grandchildren!!

Completely agree with you nightowl

I don't think it's entirely true that you don't miss what you don't have. A child with no grandparents is likely to see friends with grandparents and might well feel they are missing something in their lives. Similarly, a child with an absent father, or a child with no siblings, or a child with a very small family network; all will see examples of different families amongst their friends, on tv and in books.

Growing up, I had one set of grandparents and a large extended family. This network gave me experience of different relationships and a solid feeling of belonging that helped me to feel secure and to know where I 'fitted' into my extended family past and present.

Strictly speaking I suppose children don't need any of this, in fact they could survive without any family members at all as long as the state was prepared to bring them up in some form of institutional care. But don't we as human beings 'need' so much more than just food and water and a roof over our heads? I think it's difficult to quantify how important grandparents are, and every family will be different, but I do think that we have a unique role to play and bring something very special into children's lives. I particularly love the idea that we are a bridge into the past whilst at the same time having time to help children enjoy the here and now.

I very much enjoyed having my two grandmas and a granddad (for a little while) and my children got a great deal out of their grandparents (and still do with my parents who are 87). You can do without them but not only do the grandchildren appreciate them, the mothers often do too!
My own daughter has had a lot of help from me with her son (aged 2)and I now look after him 2 days per week so she actually does need me and so does the little one although he doesn't realise it!!
However my son and DIL and GD live in New Zealand and I suppose they manage perfectly well without grandparents around. As someone else said-you don't miss what you haven't had!

Talking of teaching them things (nightowl' s lovely link) I think I taught my younger gs something naughty yesterday - completely by accident!

Was chatting to him on the phone, him being his usual slightly daffy self and me struggling to keep the conversation a little bit sensible . Eventually gave it up and said, "Ok let me speak to Mummy now". "Alright" he said and the line went silent and stayed silent. No sound of the usual shouting of "Mum!" Thinking he'd put the phone down I started on the usual "hellos
?" and "are you still there?". Silence still. Yes - definitely gone. "Little bugger!" I muttered to myself, (but out loud!) Of course - a chuckle on the line. He was still there. With a new word under his belt! Great fun!

River walk; you've given me an idea. I love old family photos and am the custodian of a lot of ours, including one of many members of my mothers family taken during either Victorian or Edwardian time. I'd love to have a photo taken of our family, including my ex, the grandsons grandfather and my S.O. [who they adore and look on as their grandfather]. They might just throw it away or it might just mean something to them when they're older.

I think this question all depends on circumstances.

I only had one GP, my grandfather who wasn't really interested. But I had 2 very devoted parents who gave me lots of love and encouragement. My parents were loving and interested in my own DCs as were MIL and FIL. They helped us out in rearing our 4 children and enhanced their lives significantly.

We have 3 grandchildren who live in England (we live in N.Ireland) who we see every few months. We love them dearly but they probably don't need us.

However, we also have 2 DGSs here and we have been integral in their lives as DD3 had a very difficult 6 years at the hands of an abusive partner and then a husband who abandoned her when she was expecting the second little one. She was emotionally crushed and my DH took on the role of the man in the life of DGS1 at a time when he badly needed one. We both have worked hard at providing the stability in the disrupted lives of the boys. They are lovely balanced children now and we have a great relationship with them but have started to pull back from our involvement as DD's husband has returned and is trying to rebuild family life. The boys still seem to think of this as their second home, though, and DGS1 adores my husband.

Children don't need grandparents but they can add an extra dimension to their lives. It is a different relationship to the one they have with their parents. In general, grandparents have more time to listen or read to them or help them make things. I can bake and sew which my gauge tee in law does not. I also feed them a continuous supply of suitable books. children who have a good relationship with their grand parents are fortunate but if they have not known grandparents they will not necessarily miss them. We also had a case in our extended family where the grand parents had to take in a child and bring him up to avoid him being taken into care.
Finally, I suspect I need my grand children more than they need me but they have loving and supportive parents.

Can't we just be happy that we love having them and they seem to enjoy being with us? I really don't understand why any granny needs to be so hellbent on making a case for grannies being unnecessary.

And we all needed our forebears. We wouldn't be here at all without them.

absent is this an anthropological question? In societies where the extended family still exists, grandmothers have always been important, supporting young mums, looking after kids while mum is out tilling the fields, and passing on stories and traditions to the next generations. Grandfather would probably have spent his time chewing the fat with the other grandads! Has the nuclear family done away with the role of the granny?

Of course we don't need grandparents, or any other relative come to that, apart from a mother.

I never knew my grandparents - it would have been nice to have had one or two.

I do think having an extended family gives a child confidence - I have a lovely photo of my grandson (8) with a huge grin on his face, sitting at a pub table alongside his dad, grandad and great-grandad. Lucky boy!

Grandparents and the whole network of the extended family are there to provide a safety net for all members of the family. Looking back through my childhood and that of my parents and grandparents, it is a web of family assistance, elderly members joined the household of siblings when they were left alone and childless, temporary homes provided for younger members of the family when needed, and my grandfather and his cousin were brought up by an uncle when their parents all died young. Members of the family would visit each other and stay to help when crises arose.

Living in the welfare state where the state has taken on the responsibilities of providing income and support for families in need, we forget just how important the family network was and still is to all its members young and old. When you have it you take it for granted, but take it away...

DDil's father died when she was 5. Her mother was left with 2 small children and, to all intents and purposes no extended family. Grandparents had died, siblings were estranged. the worry and fear of being alone with two small children, what would happen to them if anything happened to her, took its toll on all of them.

DGS was telling me about the dragon living on the local Dragon Hill. He said that it ate mummies and daddies, when asked who would look after him if the dragon ate his mummy and daddy. With a beaming smile he said, you and grandpa would be my new mummy and daddy.

Of course there are families that are toxic or families who would if they could but age, infirmity, distance has broken the family web but the state alternative is far from being an adequate replacement.

An extended family is not essential, but life is so much better when you have one.

gillybob If you hadn't known your grandmother, would you still have needed her? Would you, in fact, have had any concept of what it was you might be needing? My question is to do with whether a child, not having contact with a grandparent and never having formed a close bond with her – like you and your splendid granny – is necessary to that child?

Nakesha Isn't the wolf who says "All the better to eat you with" the one who gobbles up red Riding Hood, not the one who finally who huffs and puffs to no avail? Mind you, I have my doubts about whether either of them wore false teeth.

I have always adored my grandma. Her and I have a special bond. I can't describe it except to say that I have always felt safe and loved by her unconditionally . I did grow up with both sets of grandparents but the bond was never the same with the "other set" . If I can be half as good a grandma to my DGC that my grandma has always been to me I will be very happy indeed.

In answer to you original question Absent In my case Yes I have always needed my grandma and she me.

I think this is quite a nice summary of the different roles a grandparent can play. Lots of food for thought, and it doesn't even mention carer/ babysitter/ taxi driver/ banker etc etc!

www.parentingweekly.com/grandparents/role_grandparents.htm

I look after my seven year old GD five days a week and have done so since she was eight months old. We have a great bond and she regards our house as her second home, indeed it was agreed a long time ago that if anything happened to DS and DDiL then she will come and live with us. Far from being 'Prissy and self important' I feel incredibly grateful that this beautiful child has enhanced my life

If I had to pick one thing that I regret about my childhood, without hesitation, I would choose not having spent more time with my grandparents. Although I did not see my grandparents very often, I do remember that my dad's mother had a great sense of humor. One of my favorite memories of my grandmother was when she read the three little pigs and then chased us around the house holding her false teeth, screaming: "All the better to eat you with!"
It's so special to watch a child's face when they are with their grandparents. It's like the excitement kids seem to experience on Christmas morning when they first see the presents under the tree. As a mother, I am thrilled that my daughter will have the opportunity to spend time with her grandparents. The best part, however, is watching my parents provide Taylor with a gift that will impact her life forever.

A Priceless Gift Any Grandparent Can Give