Who pays ?

We have looked after younger DGS 3 days a week for last 3 years and elder one after school as well. DD offered food initially but we knew she was very strapped for cash so refused. Her (thankfully now ex) husband saw us as free child care which rankled a bit when he wanted payment for plumbing work. For her sake DH didn't explode and now we provide holiday care which can be pricey. If money was tight then I would ask DD to contribute but we appreciate the odd bottle of wine / flowers etc. Perhaps generally DDs and DSs just don't think that their own parents might need help.

DD would often say thank you, bring in some shopping, help around the house and other small ways to show her appreciation but that's just her anyway.

Thanks Mum and a cuddle go a long way but if things had been financially tight I would have told her I needed some help towards shopping.

Interesting subject. I think that most of us do whatever we can to help our families out in whatever ways we can without expecting any recompense. However I do know that some families tend to abuse that and grandparents can often end up as being no more than unpaid child minders.

Our challenge is that we live quite far away and when we visit them these days the grandchildren will often be otherwise occupied, out, or away on sleepovers etc., which has made us wonder why we bother to visit at all. They do occasionally visit us but the complexity of their lives and school holidays makes such visits infrequent.

When my Mum used to mind my children many years ago, I took things they liked with me and just told her I knew she didn't buy so and so usually. Maybe turn things around and say the children seem to like things you don't buy so maybe she could drop some off when she brings the children.

papaoscar that's a very important point! Ours are still young enough to come with their parents whenever they come visits and to (mostly) be in when we stay with them but sleepovers and sports and other commitments are already beginning to affect this. We're making the most of it while we can.

I get in the things I know my grandchildren like and if there are things left over that I know won't get used here, I send them home with the goodies. If we make cakes, the remainder go home in the tin for them to share. In return, By way of a 'thank you' I occasionally get an afternoon tea treat, an invite to stop over and enjoy a night out together, and they often include me on holidays. It works out nicely and no money changes hands.

The way we look at it is, as long as we have a better income than them then we will continue to help them out financially. My daughter buys me the odd small gift. We took them all to Wagamama's yesterday for lunch and she always worries when the children want dessert, in case it puts the bill up higher than we expected. She can't afford to take them out much herself, but is very aware of how much they are costing us. She brings over bits and pieces of food to help out, I think I would be miffed too if I felt taken for granted. Her MiL does a lot of childcare for her and she buys her chocolates and SiL takes MiL shopping and pays for it all from time to time.

Very much depends on their circumstances and yours. If they are struggling, despite being careful and working hard, and you are very comfortable- then that is fine. But whatever the circumstances, being taken for granted, be it for childcare, or any other kind of help- is bound to grate after a while ans you should try and find a good time to broach the subject and discuss this. I would find it hurtful if my support, in whatever way, was not acknowledged in some way or other.

The first time I looked after grandchildren was over 20 years ago, and as I gave up a part time job in order to do it, my daughter and SIL paid me what I`d been earning, which was just over £22 a week. After that, over the years, my kids have paid me a small amount, to give me a bit of money for myself, and it was still a heck of a lot less than they`d have paid an official childminder. In fact, our son`s wife said that if I hadn`t been looking after grandson, she couldn`t have afforded to go back to work. We`re not well off, so I didn`t feel guilty about accepting a tiny wage from them, but I`m beginning to feel frowned on after reading all these posts.

Oh no - not frowned on! Everyone's circumstances are different, and families must decide what works for them.

numberplease- certainly not frowned on by me- it made perfect sense for them to pay you this 'minimum' wage to compensate you- totally.

Personally I would never look after my grandchildren on a day to day basis- and that was always clear with my daughters. I truly do not believe it is the job of grand-parents to bring kids up (unless a disaster happens- and we would, without hesitation). Daugher numero uno knows I'd be on the next plane if she needed me- and that the GC will always be welcome her for weeks at a time- but not on a weekly or day to day basis. Just like I would have never ever expected my parents to look after our kids- but they helped out on many occasions. Some of our friends both here and in the UK look after their grand-children day in day out- and are told they are not allowed to go on holiday, etc. I am not a selfish person, at all- but really it is not the job of grand-parents to bring up kids on a daily basis- unless there are very strong reasons why this is necessary- and of course, unless grand-parents really want to do this.

number, I agree with mishap's latest post. Never frowned upon - whatever works for each family is obviously right!

I don't look after any of my gc's as they all live too far away, however they do come to stay for days on end with their parents. I have 2 here right now and my shopping bills have trebled and I think I may have to get the decorators in when they have gone , but it is lovely to be able to feed and house them and buy little extras. This week is our village festival so they have been to lots of events which mount up along with ice creams/comics/books etc.... Luckily, I am able to afford to do so. I wouldn't want or be expected to be a weekly or daily carer for them - been there, done it, got the T-shirt - but obviously if there was a crisis I would be there like a shot. I admire those who do and have the fortitude and patience to carry on week after week and if I was in that position I think a small remuneration would be acceptable whether it was in cash or the odd bottle of wine and flowers. My DD's MiL has the children one day a week but on the understanding that if she goes on holiday or needs to be somewhere else that day, then the children have an extra day in the nursery or Mum/Dad have to take the day off.

Yes - we have a similar arrangement. If we are going on holiday, then DD makes other arrangements for DGC.

number Everyone's situation is different, I certainly couldn't afford to have to regularly feed my my dgs as he eats more at ten, than most men!

I couldn't afford to take them out much either, so his other, younger gps who are still working, do the holidays and trips!

I'm the handy, just round the corner, babysitter!
I get treated to homecooked meals and occasional bottles of perfume.

number. You did exactly what my Aunt did. When her first GS was born, my cousin and his wife asked if she would be willing to give up,her part time job to look after their son as they would rather his Grandmother did this than a stranger. They paid her the wage she would be losing and subsequently she looked after 4 GC over the years for her other DS and DD on the same understanding.

Please don't feel frowned upon, that is not the case at all. Each family decides what suits them. Everyone's circumstances are different and I don't see anything wrong with what you and my Aunt did, she felt she just changed jobs so to speak but this one was so much more rewarding.

I am in both camps. I think that it is quite wrong that number should feel frowned upon for being paid to look after the DGC s . It costs a lot to feed the children and although one set eat late with us the younger ones have an earlier tea and bedtime. To be honest I want acknowledgement. I can afford everything I do but if I had needed the same help with my children I would have and did provide thank yous and gifts. My DH said rather crossly we are surrogate parents. We shouldn't be and I am still baffled that DD 1 and SIL went on their own holiday while we were looking after their children and dealing with the children's needs .

number if you gave up work to look after DGC then that is perfectly right and reasonable for them to pay you for your lost income.

We are retired anyway and only look after them for one day, sometimes two days, a week. We get lots of gratitude and an occasional nice bottle of something!

Agree with Stansgran that it is baffling to look after DGC when parents on holiday and also find it baffling the amount of 'me' time parents need these days as we managed to survive without it. Am I just old and cynical?

However DD brought wine and flowers when she collected DGSs yesterday which was much appreciated.

We have never been asked to look after the GC while DDs go on holiday - days out yes, but holidays no. "Me" time - what the heck is that?!

We have looked after them a couple of times while DDs celebrated a special anniversary for a few days - that seemed fair enough to me.

One of the great joys that I (and DDs) look back on are the wonderful family holidays all together that we had. I would not have missed them for the world.

My grandchildren rarely have the beach holidays that their parents had which I find sad; beach holidays, to me being such an important part of childhood.

I agree wholeheartedly, nothing better for youngsters, dodging the rain , and hoping for sun all part and parcel of growing up to me, getting sand in the sandwiches, tea from a flask, walking up to the café later for an icecream.

Yes, when they are older, take them to hot weather places, we used to drive down to the South of France.

We took our G/D"s down to the beach yesterday and we had SUCH fun, flying the kites, kicking the ball, paddling in the sea, cooking our sausages on the portable Barbie, dodging the showers, generally having plenty of laughter.

Ok,first ever message on here. Reading all your comments is very interesting!
I have been wondering about this subject.

Dd expecting our first grandchild in October. Off for nearly year maternity leave,then intends to go back to work part time,with me and dh looking after babe two or maybe three days a week.

My Dh is retired and gets small work pension and even smaller allowance for me in his state pension. Already know that when we go out it's always us that pay for tea or lunch,although she earns twice our monthly income without her husbands.

Unfortunately it will be very hard for us to pay for what baby will need for two or three days a week. So I will 'have' to ask her to pay. Makes me feel rather awkward about it,as when we used to visit my parents and stay with them they paid for most things. But then they were better off than we are now.

Really tricky subject!

I have looked after DGCs on both ad hoc and on a regular basis.. I volunteered to do this so felt it was up to me to set up the offer & I said I did not want any payment. Sometimes the DDs turn up with food (fruit /cake/cookies/pizzas etc) and DD1 used to always send nappies but I said I would buy some..just easier.

The purpose of offering help was that it meant the childcare costs were kept to a minimum and actually made it financially worthwhile for them to go back to work. Also i get to spend time with the DGCs..though I am sure I would anyway! Fortunately I am in a position to be able to afford to do this so it was made clear from the start.

Always difficult to raise an issue after a system has been running for a while!

When my daughter was pregnant with her first child we did consider me giving up work to look after the baby when she went back to work part time [which I agreed to as I didn't want her to feel stressed about anything]. On reflection we both decided separately that it would put pressure on her to cover the cost of my loss of wages [which I needed to live on] and also it would make them too reliable on me if, say, I became unable to look after the child, so we did a combination of me helping out some days and nursery on other days. In the end we were glad that the child went to nursery as he loved it. It was only when the childcare was at my house that the cost started to rise. Young, working parents don't seem to have much time to shop around for bargains so it might be an idea to ask your daughter to pay for the upkeep but say that you will try to bring the cost down by looking for bargains [using Boots cards; supermarket comparisons etc].