Feeling a lot of pain! :-(

Good!

Now you are sounding stronger - go and visit your other DD - perhaps if she helps with your house move it'll help her too? A bit of shopping together for new curtains and stuff. A bit of Normal.

I don't get a ''good feeling'' about giving her money , she is responsible for herself , she is allowed to top it up by £20 a week ( I used to do a cleaning job for £20 a week which really helped ) and she may be eligible for some extra help due to her depression , panic attacks and alcoholism but a welfare advisor will be able to perhaps help her with that

If the car has to go so be it ( I would be secretly pleased to be honest! )

And she will have to cut down on things like getting her nails done , staying in hotels , going out for dinner etc but those things are luxuries anyway

The image she portrays on Facebook of living the high life seems to be dwindling now but it is FAKE anyway , yes she looks glamorous when not drinking and is a STUNNING girl but what she is trying to portray and the reality of her life do not match up , partying , posh steak dinners , hotel stays , holidays , designer clothes and handbags , flashy car it is all masking the real picture and that is all going to have to come to an end , not sure if she could maintain a job but the stress of it could all catch up with her again

She has to manage for herself if I bail her out once she will keep expecting it and not take responsibility for her own life and finances etc plus it is also a possible source of enabling her to drink

Maybe she will think about ;

WHAT GOT HER TO THIS PLACE?

WHY is / was Mum so exhausted and upset?

WHAT affect is being separated from his Mum having on her SON?

IS it even WISE to have a car at this current time in her life?

WHY is her sister annoyed with her?

My poor other DD gets practically IGNORED when I am caught up in younger DD's ''stuff'' and it's usually one thing after another which I don't want to be part of any more as I need my space and space to visit my OTHER DD who is probably annoyed with me for ignoring her and at a time when she needs me the MOST!!! :-(

Plus she has been on this roller coaster too at a time when she could really do without it! x

Its not ''all eyes on the alcoholic'' anymore!

You are right about it destroying families!!!

I am still in pain about it

My family has been ripped apart and it HURTS!!! :-(

I just gotta get the pain out and deal with it and it is so good I have the SPACE to do so

The pain will go and the more I protect myself from the DRAMA that goes with alcoholism the better - I don't want or need it in my life and nor does my DGS

So arms length it is going to have to be and she is NOT the DD I knew before , she is not always rational or stable now even when not drinking but I think reality is starting to hit her now , the more I leave her to it , the more reality hits but that is the very thing she has to deal with herself nomatter how painful and difficult , AVOIDING IT HAS GOT HER NOWHERE and it just piles up and gets worse if you try and numb it with alcohol and it is a depressant

She is NOT WELL and yes when your child is unwell you want to look after them but she is NOT a child she is an ADULT with responsibility for her own actions and consequences of them

She missed another visit on Sunday , that is 4 so far so not looking good and she was uncontactable by the respite centre , no communication at all from her so it is getting more and more worrying and scary!

They don't tell my DGS any more that ''Mummy is coming'' in case she doesn't show up but as far as I know they tell him I am visiting on my day as I have not missed one and have no intention of doing so , it is the BEST day of the week but also the worst day of the week when I have to leave :-(

I think she is just ''waiting for things to happen'' eg the counselling etc but I don't think she recognises she needs it or the medication even though it helps and people get good results with it

I NEEDED bereavement counselling after the 2 deaths the main reason being I was not allowed to cry at the funeral and a DOUBLE one at that with 2 coffins with 2 people who were dear to me inside , the extended family kept coming over to me and telling me to stop crying and everything was done with military precision like a family conference or something NOT a funeral so I did not get to grieve there or let go or express my pain and release it so after the funeral I made sure I TOOK STEPS to get the bereavement counselling in place!

One place had a 4 month waiting list so I persevered and found somewhere else which has worked out WELL now

If you are in pain you have to deal with it and let it out , it is not healthy to keep it in or push it down inside or drink it away , coz it all comes back again anyway so you are back at square one if not WORSE!!!

I hope I have set some sort of example to my DD's in dealing with things , you get it out get help if needed and you move FORWARD , you don't run away from it or it will only get you later anyway!

That is what I believe anyway

Thank you , feel MUCH better after getting things of my chest this forum is so therapeutic! :-) xxx

I agree with NfkDumpling, nannynoo. If she struggles to pay her utility bills, perhaps help her out that way, if necessary. Or if she has a card for her meters, perhaps you could put some money on them? Not all the time, though. It might make you feel a bit better, too? Bearing in mind, I'm a bit of a soft touch myself.....

You're right nannynoo. Your daughter is an adult. A grown woman. She has made a life choice and she's the only one who can turn it around. Write a cheque for an electricity bill for her (if things get that bad) maybe, but any money will only be spent on drink.

I have decided I'm NOT giving her any money , time for her to take responsibility for her own life , consequences and managing her finances on her own xx

Marelli you are spot on , when ''trying to do the right thing'' ie trying to keep and hold my family together we can get it wrong but ultimately the responsibilty for her drinking lies with my DD

I have to remember that but what about ''enabling''?

I did say to SS when I left I could not do it any more and felt if I stayed I was enabling her

On the points the article makes ;

Do you take steps to cover up the addiction and help keep it hidden?

I did at first because I was SCARED and ASHAMED

Do you make excuses for your loved one’s addiction or behavior?

No , it got worse after the bereavments which could be seen as ''causing'' it to get worse but no one made her turn to alcohol at the time

I do believe she needs MORE HELP BUT she has to get that for HERSELF

Do you avoid confronting the addiction in an attempt to avoid conflict?

No - I try and tell her like it is and face things out , was good for me to tell her to her face I called the police

Do you believe your loved one is just going through a phase?

No , unfortunately!!

Do you believe the problem will eventually resolve itself without help?

No chance

Do you handle the responsibilities of your loved one?

In some ways that is still a yes as my DGS is her responsibility but I am happy and willing to handle the responsibility of looking after him rather than him go into care or be looked after by complete strangers

Have you bailed your loved one out of jail?

Probably thr opposite!

Have you paid bills for your loved one, who likely used income on their addiction?

No but the test will come when she is soon to go ''down'' to a single persons benefit so will be on a VERY small amount a week

Do you have a parent-child relationship with your loved one even though they’re your spouse?

N/A but she is in a child like place at the moment

Do you enjoy the feeling of being ‘needed’ by your loved one?

No I would love a life of my own at some point

Are you guilty of giving second, third, and fourth chances?

Am not sure , if it means staying while she was still drinking and naively at the time believing she would 'stop this time' at the time , yes , but now , no

Do you ever participate in risky behaviors alongside your loved one?

No I do not drink at all or go partying etc

It is difficult not to want to 'bail a loved one out' ...if she said she was sitting there with no electricity ( a point I was nearly in when on an extremely low income and my sister 'bailed me out' ie lent me some money to tide me over ) it would be extremely HARD to say no , saying that she MUST budget her money which is soon to have a DRASTIC drop and she has a car now but things like gas , electricity , any rent or council tax etc has to come out first , she has TWO mobile phone contracts after losing / the theft of her iphone 5 so has 2 expensive iphone 5 contracts running! The insurance should cover one if she sorts that out , she can just pay off the old contract , don't ask me how she will afford the NEW one though ... Might have to downgrade on that , affording the car is going to be impossible ( but not good IMO that she even HAS a car in her present state )

Food will have to be budgeted well and she won't be able to AFFORD to drink to be honest , but if she dips into her electricity money for alcohol she has to face the consequences and I will have to say to her from the START , no help , no loans from me so she will have to face the consequences of her son not being with her due to her drinking and the financial consequences

Hi nannynoo I came across this article today, perhaps some of it will help you, am posting it just in case. So difficult to think clearly in a situation like the one you're in.

www.alternativesintreatment.com/general-addiction/stop-enabling-someone-addicted/?apcid=8745

x and

nannynoo, in your post of 1.04am today you said you did wrong by 'allowing' your DD to drink and that you feel you should have removed your DGS at that time. You aren't responsible for others' choices. Your DD was suffering because of the loss of her uncle and her grandmother, and you feel she was drinking to help her through her grief. Please try not to blame yourself for the choices that your DD made. It was nothing to do with you that she turned to alcohol to soften her grief. It was not your fault. Neither was it your fault that her little boy stayed with his mum at this time. You cannot hold yourself responsible for all the miserable things that are happening. You have also suffered loss, and at the moment you are grieving not only for those who are no longer with you, but also for the loss of your DD, because when a person is drinking they aren't the person we know and love, and whom we crave to come back and be ok again. It's good that you're receiving regular counselling and hopefully this will help you come to terms with the way things are just now as well as helping you to look forward. x

That must be so hard, nannynoo, to have to leave him behind and I so hope that you will be able to spend more time with him before too long.

Alcohol can destroy families, change personalities. It is fine when it is under control (a glass or two of wine or beer with friends, with a meal) but when it begins to take charge of lives it is a destructive force and can come before loved ones and break up families.

Look forward to your move and to enjoying your new home which sounds lovely

Even on the grief and loss websites for Grandparents who have lost a Grandchild they say things like ''spent time with my other Grandchildren today which really helped''

( It doesn't bring LO back but it is a comfort and to see their smiling faces and full of energy and joy etc , it's lovely )

I get 2 hours a week with screams and tears at leaving time ( from LO not from me though I feel the same! ) it is not enough and it has been about 8 weeks now but you are right just HAVE to concentrate on myself even though I do feel SAD about being separated from him and vice versa which is understandable , it helps to share on here though , so thank you! xx

Yep am having counselling once a week and it really helps

I have a good cry and get rid of some of the painful emotions I am dealing with

She said I am doing well as I am DEALING with them and have a lot to deal with at the moment , which is certainly true! lol x

It is just difficult when I read on the Granny websites about other Nans ENJOYING their Grandchildren over for visits and stays and I am not ALLOWED to have my DGS to visit or stay over and miss him like crazy :-(

It doesn't seem fair , actually it's NOT fair!!

Nothing much I can do except keep dealing with things still not 100% over the loss of my baby DGD so dealing with that with the counsellor as well , being pretty brave I reckon as am NOT running away from things but facing them fairly and squarely in the face , best method I reckon as then I am able to move on ( to the next thing lol ) but I KNOW I will get through this and come out the other end stronger , wiser and happier than ever even xx

I really can't answer your questions, nannynoo. There often is no rhyme or reasons for these things. I do not believe difficulties which arise are a punishment, please don't beat yourself up, and concentrate on getting stronger and more relaxed for the future. Have you considered councelling for yourself? Take care.

What am I being punished for???

I CAN see the 'wrong' I done or the mistakes I made by ''allowing'' my DD to drink or being part of that in the first place as in not removing my Grandson IMMEDIATELY when things started to go bad back in March

But my DD was falling to pieces after losing her favourite Uncle and her Nan who she was very close to in the space of a week and I wanted to be there for her at the time

SS were AWARE she was drinking and maybe everyone ''thought'' attending the alcohol centre groups would help knock it on the head , she was and still IS on the WAITING LIST for counselling which I think it VITAL to her recovery plus no one recommended the medication which greatly lessens the cravings which combined with counselling has a very good success rate

I was told at the last meeting ''if she drinks you have to be there'' and as when she wasn't drinking it was just a short matter of time before she unfortunately did again even though at the time I naively thought ''this time it is IT , she will STOP now'' she didn't

The last visit SS came in and saw my DD in bed deeply asleep during the day , asked me if she was still drinking to which I said ''yes'' and then just left me there in that situation again..

I didn't know what to do!!!!!! :-(

The sh*t had to hit the proverbial fan at SOME point and I was actually GLAD when it did as my DD had to start taking responsibility for her actions at SOME POINT!!

I NEEDED some respite myself by then .... I don't know how I coped myself with dealing with the 2 losses as I was close to them too , plus dealing with everything around my DD's drinking on my OWN , plus taking care of my DGS which wasn't actually the HARD bit but a joy amidst the terrible chaos I was immersed in on my own to deal with and I am only just recovering now!

Thank you that I have this forum to share my thoughts and feelings on

Every day I feel something different and some of the emotions run DEEP ( be warned! LOL )

Today I have been crying out to God to bring my Grandson back to us , or to me at least...

He is an INNOCENT PARTY in all this and DOES NOT DESERVE TO SUFFER!!!

It is SO unfair that an innocent child is suffering in all this!!!

If someone goes to prison they say the main ''punishment'' is being separated from their FAMILY

What crime has he done??? :-( :-(

It is heart breaking to know that he does not understand WHY he has been taken away from his family and placed in a respite home

The staff are great but the staff aren't family...

On one of the visits he walked out of the door with us and they had to bring him back in..

My heart breaks after every visit but there is nothing I can do at present apart from get myself well and recover from the impact my DD's drinking has had on ME and use this 'space' to do the things I didn't get the chance to do during the full on 5 months of care like my bereavement counselling and ''rest''

I HAVE ended up needing respite myself as Nan always steps in in a crisis and picks up all the slack!!! :-(

I know for SURE if my DD did NOT drink my DGS would be with us now and between us , with some short term respite if needed , we would have come through the bereavements etc fine , with help if needed , but the drinking ** EVERYTHING up and EVERYONE up!!!

It's so not fair , especially as little one has to suffer because of it and I am still trying to work out WHAT I DID WRONG too! :-( :-(

If he cannot be with my DD I pray he gets to be home with ME at some point as soon as it is possible and at the right time

This is what I was listening today as it expresses some of what I am feeling and ''home'' can be my house :-) xxx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EZ9mTMuSf0

Thank you , you are spot on! x

It has been and still IS difficult , there is no magic wand when it comes to these things , it took time for things to deteriorate and it's going to take time to recover

Thing is I am the one who feels I am 'in recovery' from the AFFECT my DD's drinking has had on ME

She is still out partying and having a whale of a time lol whereas I am the one dealing with the REALITY of the situation , a reality she doesn't WANT to face

I HAVE to deal with it but I do feel am going to come out stronger and wiser - I had no CLUE about alcoholism and how it affects FAMILIES , it seems my DGS and I are the ones paying the price for my DD's drinking , she is not as yet facing up to the consequences herself , but we have to , we are LIVING THE CONSEQUENCES on a daily basis!

I don't know how the hell couples stay married for many years on end when one of them is a drinker or full blown alcoholic , apparently in studies the PARTNERS health ended up being WORSE than the drinkers! One is DEALING with the stress and one is AVOIDING it ... I had to get out of the situation , it was not good for me even though I was trying to keep everything together and as normal for my DGS as possible and even up to the day I left he was cheerful and well because I was making sure he was! ( but I still don't want him to be around that or witness it at all any more!!! )

She got worse at night and slept most of the day but he did witness her vomiting :-( :-( :-(

The actual alcoholism only started about 2 weeks before I left , it was a very fast decline from ''drinking problem'' to alcoholism even though she doesn't drink every day , it's classic as drink comes before every thing and every one else

Glad I have this space and ''recovery time'' though as the impact of the stress of it all is what I am recovering from , and I don't even mean the stress and pain of the bereavements as I am dealing with it all and it is a natural occurrence in life sadly ( but alcoholism and the impact of that ISN'T! ) thank God my DGS is protected from that and I do NOT agree any more with being told by SS ''If she drinks you have to be there'' .... NO!!!!!!!!! IF she drinks in future if my DGS is returned to her I have to BRING MY DGS HOME WITH ME and we'll sort out how to get him to school from there!!!

It seems UNFAIR though that my DGS and I are still suffering and my DD is out there having a whale of a time at present! LOL xxx

nightowl, thank you. xx

What a lovely post Marelli. You have such a lovely, kind way with words.

nannynoo, I've just been reading through your thread from beginning to end, and can't even begin to imagine the fear and desperation you've been feeling.
You will always receive support from us - and don't be afraid to say how you feel about things. A very good thing about us on here, is that we're 'faceless' and some of us are very well-informed, too. Some will have suffered situations similar to your own, but their perception of their own situation will have been different to yours, with different 'professionals' that were involved in their possibly very different cases.
Your little cottage looks really lovely, and I share your love of 'antique-y' things - in fact my own tiny cottage is far too full of them, but I find it hard to resist something when I see it, thinking I'll always find a place for it somewhere!
You've suffered the loss of your little DGD, which is so very sad, and now you're having to let your DD go her own way. Only she can decide which road to take and you've done your very best for her. You can't be in two places at once, being pulled in both directions.
Hopefully, now you can get on with things in order that her little boy can come to you. Stay steady, be kind to yourself and stay with us? x

You deserve some joy nannynoo. I hope the move will be stress free.

I have shared my pain with you , so nice I can start to share my joy with you too! xxx

I feel like crying with RELIEF right now - I thought I'd never get to the point where I ''found myself'' again

I don't know where I went but stress plus grief CHANGES people - I think it was mainly the STRESS though and having no time to myself to focus on me as all focus was still on my DD

I have never ''lost myself'' before but I have to make sure it never happens again and make sure I make some time to myself always

I am SO looking forward to moving , the area is SO quaint and peaceful , it is still London but away from the busy hub of it all

I hope I can truly relax there and enjoy the peace

This is a pic of the typical little cottages in the area , one of which I have now , on a lovely tree lines road and just right for 1 & 1/2 people :-) ; i61.tinypic.com/cm3xz.jpg

Lol I've heard they are quite noisy! ... Was recommended to listen to music to drown the noise out

I thought £100 a night for a hotel room with a jacuzzi or do it myself at home on the cheap lol not QUITE the same experience though! ;-) lol

I missed an antique shopping trip to France I'd booked due to the stressful time , but thought I'd just window shop on the antique section of Ebay instead - Not quite the same thing at all either lol but I do like to do things like slap a face pack on and give myself a bit of a home facial for relaxation ( am going to put an orange oil one on in a minute! ) and I find the products with a real fruit or lavender oil etc really relaxing!!

It's nice to have the 'space' to think about myself for once , it has been a long time coming it feels and the move to look forward to is helping as well as it is a dream come true

Hoping my other dream comes true , dreamt last night my DGS was with me and I said ''shopping'' which he repeated and everything in my dream seemed so NORMAL AND SETTLED! x