Feeling a lot of pain! :-(

SOOO looking forward to moving!!!

Packing nearly done , just don't know where I'm going to put it all the other end , am meant to be DOWNsizing NOT upsizing! lol

Picture myself crawling over boxes and bags for a while ... might go out for some nice walks to get away from it all sometimes and get to know my new lovely area x

Huge change for the good , come just at the right time!! xx

LOL no pleeeeeease can I have normal?

Sitting in the garden with a cup of tea enjoying the peace , listening to the birds singing

The simple things in life need not be boring , if I want some excitement I can do some sketching or painting , go on a mini break etc I don't need wild adrenaline any more , had enough of that TBH and the high of seeing the smile of my Grandchildren brings me enough joy to last a lifetime! xxxxx

Am still on the journey , is going to take a little while longer and to settle somewhere new as feel uprooted from here after 16 years etc but look at it as back to normal but better and stronger and possibly even happier after going through all the pain , it felt like it nearly destroyed me at times , but thank God it didn't and am being rebuilt by the day!

Even if 2 steps forward 1 step back it is still good progress - I have to remind myself of that!!

Normal you must never feel normal.

I doubt many Gransnetters do!!

Am feeling a lot more normal now!

You can't rush these things and seems you have to go through the bad to get to the good x

Am sitting here with some falafel with tzatziki dip and some berry juice watching some TV and contemplating doing some more packing tonight

Got a bit of a way to go as yet , journey wise etc , but feeling a lot more positive about everything , arranging to see older DD for lunch once settled in and have joined some daytime groups who meet up for afternoon tea or do some sketching together in a cafe , will be nice to have some COMPANY during the day and a bit of a social life again when I move as I have had NO social life since March at ALL and I miss it and laughing together etc so will be like a breath of fresh air to start socialising again!

Thanks , am realising I MUST ''live in the now'' rather than let my mind race ahead , it's not healthy , so am going to do just that , live in the NOW coz that's all I can do :-) xxx

A yoga class might be good, exercise and teaching you how to be calm.

Thanks Rosequartz , am still having a difficult time , the ''not knowing what is going to happen'' which is hard and makes me worry , but if I worry too much I will make myself ill so have to switch off from it from time to time otherwise the worry floods in and invades my thoughts and takes over!

I don't even know what the outcome of the pre court meeting was , so was imagining all sorts of negative outcomes

It has all being ''playing on my mind'' a lot at a time when I am meant to be concentrating on my move

I think because it is SO IMPORTANT to me it throws up some pretty strong emotions and makes me extra anxious and worried and fearful but I am trying to deal with these emotions by distracting myself now and ''giving myself a break'' from it all as it is pretty intense at times just being in this ''limbo'' situation and worrying about it too much x

Not sure where you are, but most places are friendly (not what I would have thought of London in fact!), so I do hope you settle in quickly.

Instead of doing the jumping around at home to DVDs why not join a local exercise class of some sort? There may be a Townswomen's Guild or U3A as well in your new area - you sound very artistic so there may be groups for that.

Hope you love your new home, it does take time to settle in, and I hope that you see lots of your other DD and DC.

and here's to the future!

I am looking forward to the peace and quiet and like being solo but am expecting to be a bit lonely at first because it is a new area and I have lived here for 16 years!

Not that I know any of my neighbours etc here , it is not ''friendly London'' round here but you do get to know even the shopkeepers etc and see familiar faces , but once I settle in I think it will be fine

It is uprooting myself but I NEED an uproot so it will be good for me and so positive and I can't believe it is actually happening , my own house , my ''Granny cottage'' and after living above a VERY grumpy neighbour in a house conversion with just floorboards between us it will be lovely to have my own space and my own front door! ... Carrying the shopping just through the lounge , not up a set of stairs , the privacy , the quaintness and such a peaceful area xxx

I think it will do me the world of good once I settle in etc

I think this move is actually helping me stay sane!

It has come at EXACTLY the right time :-)

Unpacking isn't the FUN bit though , am trying to recruit some family members to help me and when hopefully little man comes to stay with me I will treat myself to a cleaner once a week ;-) lol x

"keep everything clean and tidy" - how old did you say grandson is?

I like sunflowers too . I stencilled some onto my garden composter, and also made a mosaic patio table top, which unfortunately I neglected to protect from the frost. It was fun collecting and smashing the tiles and pottery. I was so proud of it until the surface was damaged, and I eventually had to take it to the dump . Your future life sounds idyllic, the simple pleasures are the best aren't they?

Is this before or after you've unpacked!! You sound reborn! Onwards and upwards!

Thank you for sharing that Shysal , if my DGS is happy I am happy! :-)

I have been thinking about the things I want to do when I move , plant some flowers , paint the front door like I said ( I find painting therapeutic ) , get my hair cut ( have been needing one for ages! ) go out and join some support groups , continue with my counselling , see my older DD and my DGD more , I want to paint a mural of sunflowers on the garden wall , keep everything clean and tidy even with a few boxes of stuff still here and there! Put some draught excluder panels up at the windows to prepare for winter , maybe treat myself to some freshly cut flowers ( I LOVE flowers! ) and some nice hot pampering baths with my new noisy jacuzzi thingy in the evenings , listen to classical music , dance again , laugh again , have some sort of social life again , watch some silly comedies , drink my favourite teas ( I love Earl Grey & Lapsang Souchong ) make some cakes and eat well and healthily and when I am ready GIVE UP SMOKING , do some exercise at home to DVD's ( at least all that jumping around won't affect the neighbour downstairs as there ISN'T one any more! ) So will be nice that ''noise'' is not an issue any more and will have more privacy & peace and quiet!!! :-) x

shysal, what a heart felt post. Thankyou

I feel for you Nannynoo. I grew up as the child of a mother who was addicted to 'purple hearts' and alcohol, and I can tell you it wasn't much of a childhood! I had to grow up very quickly and always felt like the carer of a sometimes violent woman. My mother would never admit to having a problem, which made it difficult to help her. Sometimes addicts have to hit rock bottom before they can ask for help to find a way out of their troubles, so I do hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for your DD. I wish I had had a supportive grandparent like you to give me a bit of normality and fun in my life.
I hope your life will be calmer after the move, which will be better for your DGS.

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride I didn't want to get on in the first place!! It's like ''family , welcome aboard the ride of addiction whether you like it or not''!

And while still ON that ride am dealing with OTHER tragic circumstances and the emotions around THAT , whilst still ON the original roller coaster I didn't actually sign up for myself , nor did my DGS , so no WONDER I need some peace and quiet and rest now ..... And joy , there has not been much of that on that ride

Its NOT scream if you wanna go faster , it's press that button HARD if you wanna get OFF and then it still isn't ''all over'' as yet! x

I'm hoping for a gentler ride now at least?? At least for a while anyway as they also say moving is one of the most stressful life events , on top of everything else lol

Asking for separate visiting sounds like a good idea. It'll emphasise too to SS that you avoiding contact with your DD. She can't use you as her punch bag, you've enough on your plate with the move and being there for your other DD, let alone the major worry of getting custody of your DGS. She's an adult and, as my dear old Nanna used to say, has made her bed and has to lie on it. Once she's 'vented her spleen'. with abusive text messages and been ignored, perhaps she'll sit down and start to think!

Perhaps once you've got a good relationship built with the foster carers you could ask for an extra visit? More visits may be a good thing as the gaps between will be smaller for him - if that makes sense. Can they bring him to your new house? He will need to get used to seeing your stuff in unfamiliar surroundings. I know this is a long, long way off, but thinking of how to assimilate him back into your life may help you now. A bit of positive thinking.

The STRESS my DD has put me through over the last 6 months has been INCREDIBLE , and not in a good way!!

So to finally let go makes me want to cry a bit for her , a lot for my DGS but HEAPS for ME

I NEED some sort of NORMALITY , like I said I like normality , and am SO glad I have this move coming up

Have been allocating time each day to do some packing which is good

I need to do things like plant up some window boxes , am painting the front door red with new brass fittings , pretty things up , enjoy settling in and yes , getting back to NORMAL and HAPPY ME

I was happy 6 months ago , there are still things to work on and loose ends to tie up etc but if I am in a settled place away from the DRAMA and chaos and madness which is alcoholism I think I will be in a MUCH better place soon as the illness is ''catching'' if you are around the person and involved in their life , so letting go and having the space to be ME again at last will be so therapeutic I reckon along with this move to my little cottage :-)

And from there I just be me and WAIT and I have a feeling I WILL get my DGS once in a permanently WELL place away from any stress , and hopefully once my DD gets herself truly sorted one day whenever that is we can one day be a family again with everything well and truly ''back to normal'' x

It DOES happen! lol

Thank you for your support on my continuing journey xx

Will definitely try for separate visits now though as was thinking of doing it before but did not want to upset little man with an extra goodbye and wanted to protect him from any extra distress

But does the ''benefit outweigh the cost'' YES , definitely!

And I have to think about the distress it would cause him if DD kicks off in front of him or he senses the hostility between us and an unhappy visit full of even snappy horrible comments aimed at me if she can keep a lid on creating a scene still is not a HAPPY or relaxed visit , we have to think about what is best for the child

Pity I don't trust my DD to be civil in front of DGS at least

All this adds to my worry and pressure and stress levels , but I do NOT want my DD's illness making ME ILL!

Thanks Nfk yes there is a website called soberrecovery with a forum for families of alcoholics and there is a lot of understanding of the condition on there , they do have meetings as well but not sure if the one in my area is active as I can never get through on the mobile contact number - I leave a message but no one gets back to me but they may have just changed their number , will see what they have in my new area though

At present I think she is lashing out at me and taking out ALL her frustration , anger , unhappiness etc on me

It is NOT fair though and I am not sure what is going to happen re my next visit with DGS as we have the visit together and she has told me not to come

Will speak with the SW and see what she suggests - I was hoping we could just be civil for my DGS sake but I don't trust her not to create a scene in front of him and that would NOT be good for him so might see if I can arrange a separate visit , thing is then my Grandson would have 3 ''goodbye's'' a week and he already struggles with goodbye time and gets distressed so that would mean an extra distress time! :-(

The sad thing is if I thought I could simply ''step out of the way'' and trust my DD to have my DGS returned to the family shortly or even at all then I would have done that from the start , but if it is down to my DD I feel we will lose him for good

That is where the pressure lies but I am going to try and switch off from it and concentrate on the move and trying to keep myself WELL in all this which is difficult at present but I have to do it!!!

Am NOT going to read her hate texts as it will just upset me unnecesarily and I need to stay calm and concentrate on my own health and well being x

Have you been in contact with Alcoholics Anonymous? It sounds as if what she's going through - denial, apportioning blame - may be following a pattern. They may be able to advise.

Thanks NfkDumpling!!

My DD and I are playing ping pong at the moment and it's not much fun so am giving up as it seems impossible for me to make her see that SHE is responsible for her own actions NOT ME

According to her I have spoilt everything , delayed everything , put a spanner in the works , DGS is going to a foster home because of me and all because I notified the police and SS when she was drink driving

She said they were going to ''give her son back to her'' but because of what I DID now they are not

In other words she was going to lie through her teeth about her drinking , play it down and try and convince them she has been drink free eg she missed her visits because she was ILL not drunk etc but the truth coming out about her driving under the influence has ''spoilt everything''

She is bringing up every single thing I have done in the past , things is like you said Nfk at least I learnt from it & don't do those things any more & we are meant to be talking about the CURRENT situation

She has told me not to come to the next visit with my DGS and obviously wants to stop any chance of a placement with me now but how is that thinking about my DGS's best interests?

I think she thought she could act , lie and charm her way through the meeting and ''get her son back'' so therefore a placement with me would not be necessary and now I have ''mucked it up'' even though it was and still is necessary it is me she is angry with not herself for drink driving in the first place

SHE mucked it up , not me , by drink driving , not turning up to her visits and turning up while under the influence of alcohol which was noted of course , will she take responsibility for it? No way , it is easier to blame me but her actions caused her to ''not get her son'' when everyone else knew that was NOT going to be possible or happen in the current circumstances anyway! xx

You may have done silly things in the past. No one's perfect. What's important is that you've learnt from your mistakes, sorted it and moved on. I don't think SS will give much credence to what your DD2 says - her present state and record aren't brilliant are they. Perhaps one day in the future she may learn and move on too. One way or the other things will change, but they are dealing with how things are now and are likely to be for quite a while.