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Grandparenting

special days cause so much trouble

(157 Posts)
etheltbags1 Thu 12-Mar-15 15:10:06

Mothers day is looming and in our family that brings trouble.
DD has been asked to go to her MIL and they are having a family party with lots of relatives, to celebrate mothers day. She wants to visit me with DGD, they want DGD too.so there will be bitching and falling out. Last year dd visited me first and on the way back called at the in laws and they got a lecture about visiting them last.
It is the same with xmas, so last year DD said she would not go to anyones house and just stay at home. She allowed me to visit in the morning to see DGD open some presents and she kept some to open later when MIL called.
She tries to keep us exactly the same but her MIL is so bitchy, DD is becoming sick of special days.
We have Easter looming and with 4 days of celebration her MIL will be counting the hours I see DGd and wanting more than me. It is a competition.
Im ok with the MIL seeing DGD more than me, it is inevitable that some times she will see her more and other times I will see her more.

I had the same problem with my MIL who used to invite me as early as possible before my mother invited us, I used to feel bad as my mother is alone and always used to give her priority but that caused trouble until my MIL used to invite my mother too.

Why do families fight like this.I had hoped that DDs MIL would be my friend and we could visit each other but she has no friends, just her family.
If I babysit I have to sneak out after dark with DGD in case the other gran sees me and she wants to know why I have her.(she lives nearby).
Any comments

etheltbags1 Sat 14-Mar-15 09:30:03

I agree with falcon bird, hope everyones day goes well and no-one has any arguments or fall outs. smile

etheltbags1 Sat 14-Mar-15 09:31:34

yippee Ive just found out how to do little smiley faces. grin smile

loopylou Sat 14-Mar-15 09:35:28

It's so sad, isn't it? I never did anything right in my MIL's eyes, starting with marrying her son (she even said she wasn't asking any of their side to the wedding!), followed by having a daughter before a son (!), and so it continued for 30+ years until she died. Even when I was nursing her at the end she was still complaining, very hard to cope with.
You're clearly close to your daughter which must be a comfort, but I do empathise with you.
My DS's in-laws live abroad and speak very little English but we do get on well together when we see them.
I wish you all the best x

Marmight Sat 14-Mar-15 09:37:50

I'm in Oz so will not be involved in the UK Mothering Sunday celebration, although I may get a phone call. The Oz one is in June, I think, so I will miss out on that one too as I will be back in the UK. It's always been low key in our family, thank goodness . flowers to us all

etheltbags1 Sat 14-Mar-15 09:42:12

loopylou, I had the same problem, no-one came to our simple engagement meal even though they had been invited, at our wedding they all sat at one side of the room and no one spoke to the 'other side'.
My DH was in the TA at the time and some guests were members and MIL was heard to remark 'who are these rough people are they camp followers or what', she was referring to some of the women who had had a few drinks and were enjoying themselves a bit loudly but no one was misbehaving. I could write a book about snobby horrid relatives but as we all know life is short and we should try to get along for the sake of the gc if nothing else. My DD received nothing from her grandparents will so the nastieness has lasted 30+ years in our family. I suppose looking at it in that context a mothers day fight is not much.sad

loopylou Sat 14-Mar-15 10:34:18

MIL refused to invite anyone so DH and I did the best we could-which also wasn't right because we'd invited people she 'couldn't stand on purpose'!
She wasn't a snob but a very hypercritical church-goer, and looking back, I think a very dissatisfied and lonely lady.
It's sad that behaviours can continue to impact for so long, I'm just thankful none of her children have developed the same traits!
I do hope you have a lovely day tomorrow, flowers (the daffodil emoticon has gone!)

Galen Sat 14-Mar-15 10:50:00

I've had a card from darling daughter and DGDs, I'm going playing with my bow and arrows!

loopylou Sat 14-Mar-15 11:17:52

Have a great time Galen..... That reminds me, I must ask DD whether she wants her archery kit fished out of the attic now she's moved house.

thatbags Sun 15-Mar-15 07:20:07

I only know mother's day is looming (doesn't it just?) because people put sob stories on gransnet. I gather this morning that it's today. I am often thankful that most of the world's trivia passes me by without my noticing it. Today is one of those thankful times. It's bliss to have no expectations. Try it sometime smile

seasider Sun 15-Mar-15 07:33:04

Happy Mother's Day everybody whatever you do flowers

Anya Sun 15-Mar-15 07:49:14

And a Happy Mothers' Day to you Bags smile

etheltbags1 Sun 15-Mar-15 08:25:09

just had a lovely txt from DD wishing me a happy day, will see her later and DGD so I cant wish for more for myself but I hope she will pop in to see the other gran too. In the meantime Ive got a a squashy cake for them later.
However on the horizon Is easter looming and we will have arguments all over again confused.
Happy day to everyone cupcake

Juliette Sun 15-Mar-15 08:51:38

Have a lovely day ethel.
flowers

thatbags Sun 15-Mar-15 08:58:04

Thanks, anya. I shall. And the same to you smile

Anya Sun 15-Mar-15 09:04:23

See we all put smilies smile ?

thatbags Sun 15-Mar-15 09:08:11

Meaning...?

Anya Sun 15-Mar-15 09:18:11

We are smiling, duh!

ginny Sun 15-Mar-15 09:18:12

thatbags I don't have any expectations about Mothers Day. However it is a lovely feeling when DC make some sort of effort. I am very lucky with my three DDs who don't spend lots of money but show their gratitude and love in other ways.

J52 Sun 15-Mar-15 09:22:51

DS and GCs all called yesterday, flowers and cards. The eldest 5.5 wrote her and sister's card beautifully which warmed my heartstrings.

It's nice to know they are all happily appreciating their own mummies.
flowers to mummies everywhere. x

Elegran Sun 15-Mar-15 09:26:39

Blessed is she that expecteth nothing, for she will not be disappointed . .

I never expect cards or flowers from my busy children with their full lives. I chose to have them and to bring them up, it was my pleasure and the fruit of my happy marriage, why should they feel guilty if they don't thank me regularly on a day instigated by the card manufacturers? And why should I dissolve into tears thinking myself neglected because they don't observe a man-made obligation?

Today I shall see DD2 and SiL, and I had a card from DD2. Neither of the other two ever remember Mother's Day. They don't love me any less, and they are not any less glad to see me. We meet on other days, and we don't backbite one another. That is more important.

thatbags Sun 15-Mar-15 09:34:14

Exactly, elegran. I know, and so do my daughters, that I was and am a loving and conscientious mother. We don't need a special day to express our appreciation of each other. And, yes, appreciation works both ways.

thatbags Sun 15-Mar-15 09:36:55

Just in case anyone thinks I'm boasting, please note that I said conscientious, not perfect. I'm a conscientious person, not a perfect one. I applied my conscientiousness to my mothering, as I'm sure a lot of others also did/do.

Elegran Sun 15-Mar-15 09:43:03

There are FOUR threads on Mothers Day. Hallmark will be so pleased.

ffinnochio Sun 15-Mar-15 09:47:15

I feel quite the same, Elegran and B.

Expressions of appreciation, love and thoughtfulness needs no special day. These are shown in the small interactions of kindnesses, respect and laughter throughout our lives.

ffinnochio Sun 15-Mar-15 09:47:48

Elegran grin