Gransnet forums


First time as grandparent and daughter lost her baby.

(38 Posts)
Washerwoman Mon 22-Jun-15 16:59:02

Very early days I know. And my first post on Gransnet but I thought I was in no rush to be a grandma having had a few very busy and stressful years with all sorts of ups and downs with elderly parents,work and life in general.It was something to look forward to hopefully but honestly didn't think any of my 3 daughters was planning to start a family just yet.But then my middle daughter announced she was pregnant,after a couple of health scares herself and her partner losing his dad at a young age they had decided they didn't want to wait and wanted to be youngish parents and get on with it.
When she told me all of a sudden both myself and my DH were completely thrilled.Suddenly it all made sense,and her sisters were equally excited.
But very sadly at her 12 week scan she has just found out the baby died about 2 weeks ago,and tomorrow goes in for an evacuation.She's heartbroken,but very stoic and practical.And as a former midwife I know all too well how common miscarriage is.Especially in first pregnancies.
But I do feel I'm grieving this little baby very keenly.That's all really.And I know many more grandparents will have had to support their children through miscarriages and much later,and more complex situations.
My daughter doesn't want to let any but the few people who knew about her pregnancy know about her miscarriage at this stage - and that includes my very elderly but mentally with it mum- and I totally respect her wishes.But I'm finding it hard not to confide in my mum.I won't .So just wanted to sound off somewhere.Thanks for reading.

Luckygirl Wed 01-Jul-15 21:36:15

My DD had a similar sort of loss with her first pregnancy - a "missed abortion" as it is known. I was so distressed, both for her and on our own behalf. I do understand how sad it is for you. flowers

rosesarered Wed 01-Jul-15 20:58:21

Washerwoman , so sorry to hear it doesn't matter how common this is, when it happens to you it feels like the end of the world for a while.Glad that you found Gransnet to get things off your chest.

GG62 Wed 01-Jul-15 20:46:09

Feel for you washerwoman.My DD suffered 2 'silent'miscarriages and was devastated.However,she started a blog and made contact with many women who were going through the same thing. Through someone who responded to her blog she heard about Sticky Blood Syndrome.She was tested and found to have the condition! The doctor advised her to take an aspirin a day during her next pregnancy,which she did.She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 8 months ago!
I hope all goes well for your daughter next time.

Judthepud2 Tue 23-Jun-15 22:48:24

Sympathies to you and your DD. My DD1 had 2 missed miscarriages and DD2 had one. DIL has just had an ectopic pregnancy with her first baby and is still emotionally wobbly so I have some insight into want you may be going through. The fact that it was to be your first GC is particularly sad and you must be grieving yourself. Sounds like you needed to go home and give your DD some TLC.

Thinking of you both and hoping your DD recovers from the procedure soon.

Washerwoman Tue 23-Jun-15 22:10:21

We've decided to go home in the morning.I simply need to hold her.She's been kept in overnight and may need a blood transfusion as she bled so much.So when she's safe home we will continue onto a curtailed second week away - but it's only a holiday after all.I'm very grateful for the support from you lovely ladies and hope before too long I will be back to chat about happier events.x

Deedaa Tue 23-Jun-15 20:31:48

I'm so sorry washerwoman you must feel so heartbroken and disappointed. I know it was early days but you can't help building up a picture of the baby and imagining what life will be like with it and the loss is very real.

Nonnie Tue 23-Jun-15 15:54:21

I hope that one day we will hear from you that she has had a happy and successful pregnancy but, in the meantime, heartfelt wishes that she finds a way to cope. She is lucky to have you.

PRINTMISS Tue 23-Jun-15 15:29:03

This really sad story and those which have been told bring out the best in Gransnetters who are all there for the sad and unhappy people, and although we all grieve in different ways, the support is always welcome, isn't it? Take care washerwoman, and best wishes to you for the future when you arrive home to take care of your daughter.

Washerwoman Tue 23-Jun-15 15:20:11

So many responses.Im genuinely touched.Nonnie your experience and strength are inspirational.Soutra and everyone thank you again.
DD is currently in a side ward in our local general hospital.When she arrived for the procedure yesterday they hadn't got her notes and there had been a mix up,and initially were going to give her tablets and send her home.But she stood her ground and insisted on being admitted,which she was this morning.Iv'e spoken to her twice today at length and she is sick and having cramps but still not through it yet.Unbelievably after her scan last week when she was told the baby had died she received a generic text on arrival home asking her on a scale of 1-5 to rate her hospital experience.Crass and insensitive to say the least !She is a nurse herself and intends to make her feelings known about this.
We move on tomorrow to the second part of our two centre holiday,and I'm wanting to go home see her then set off again.About 6 hour round trip so perfectly do-able,but she absolutely insists we don't.He partner is with her but will need to work later in the week ,but she has her friend to call on.
We live literally round the corner so once we return I can really look after them both,nice meals and such ,and part of me feels they need to be together as a couple to grieve ,especially for her partner as I think men often feel useless at times like this.Will have another chat with her this evening ,and hopefully she will be home.

kittylester Tue 23-Jun-15 15:02:20

Very true elena.

elena Tue 23-Jun-15 14:46:23

Washerwoman, so very sad for you sad

Life is full of sadness sometimes - makes the joys all the more joyful, I suppose.

TriciaF Tue 23-Jun-15 14:23:10

It's very hard, Washerwoman, but as others have said, your daughter is still young, and there's a good chance she will be successful next time.
Our eldest daughter also had a miscarriage at 12 weeks or so, and the disappointment was so hard to bear, for her especially, as she was no longer young.
We tend to forget what a miracle every full term normal birth is.

Soutra Tue 23-Jun-15 12:27:45

Nonnie I am very very sad for what you have suffered and full of admiration for your courage. I think there is much more understanding of and support for ante and post natal bereavement, miscarriage, still birth and neonatal death. 40years ago people did not talk about it and the loneliness was dreadful, all your hormones said one thing, reality said another. Friends with babies felt awkward maybe even guilty, friend who had not had babies sympathised but didn't really get it, your own parents would grieve for your pain as well as their own. But both mums and health professionals these days are much more aware and open about it all and the many support groups are there so that a woman (and a man) do not need to face this entirely alone.

Nonnie Tue 23-Jun-15 11:58:17

I just want to send my sympathy. I have no experience of this as a grandparent, only as the one having the miscarriages. I will tell you my story in the hope that it will help you and her.

I have had 10 babies but only achieved 3 children, third time lucky each time and the last one was twins of which only one survived. But I DID IT! I persevered and feel that at times I appreciate my children (and maybe grandchildren) more than some because anything you have to work hard for you really appreciate.

The worst thing was the loneliness of it, I felt as if no one understood or was there for me because in those days it wasn't talked about and there was no support group. I think therefore that you should be prepared to talk about it as much as she wants to and never let anyone minimise what has happened. People think they are 'helping' when they say it was only x number of weeks or, there was probably something wrong with it etc. She doesn't want to hear any of that, she wants people to grieve with her and CARE!

It never fades, I'm in bits now just reading it all and writing this but I hope it helps her and you.

harrigran Tue 23-Jun-15 10:52:30

So sad for all of you Washerwoman. My DIL lost her second baby at twelve weeks and she took it very badly, as did DS. DIL was in her late 30s so she fretted in case she did not manage to get pregnant again but she did 6 months later and carried the baby to term.
There are no guarantees in this life but if she is still young, she has time on her side.

kittylester Tue 23-Jun-15 09:51:58

DD was advised to try again very quickly each time. Which she did. I'm not sure she was emotionally ready and her husband (known round these parts as the Idiot, among other things!) was very little help to her.

But that is all in the past and her two are fabulous. Hopefully your DD will have the same happy outcome.

Soutra Tue 23-Jun-15 09:19:26

Also sending warmest wishes to your daughter for the procedure. In our experience (UCLH) the unit was very pleasant and the staff and support excellent). Unfortunately DD had some tissue left behind as we discovered 3 weeks later when she restarted bleeding and frankly was in a bad place emotionally as well as physically, and had to go back into hospital. Waiting for results of genetic screening was also harrowing but gradually she and her wonderful partner seem to have put (most of) it behind them, built up their emotional strength and are now waiting for nature to hopefully take its course.
I wish you and your DD healing in mind as well as body, nobody should underestimate how it poleaxes you and how long you can go on hurting. flowers

TwiceAsNice Mon 22-Jun-15 21:51:46

So sorry for you all. Life can be so upsetting. I don't know if it's appropriate at the moment but the Miscarriage Association is very helpful and sympathetic and can be very supportive to women in your daughters situation they are available at any time afterwards if your daughter or you would like to speak with someone. Just a thought. I wish you all well at a very sad time.

Anya Mon 22-Jun-15 21:19:17

Sadly I know only too well some of the pain you are going through (((hugs)))

Washerwoman Mon 22-Jun-15 21:14:07

Just seen your comment Kittylester.I think that's my biggest worry that now she's had one she may be one of those like your DD3 who have the heartbreak of multiple miscarriage .But I think that's because I saw that as a midwife more than people would realise,and have a close friend who endured 5 miscarriages.But I'm sure it's the initial sadness making me worry in advance.And really that helps neither me ,nor my daughter !
Also meant we're away another week.Stupid typos.Tired.But reassured.Thanks.

Pittcity Mon 22-Jun-15 21:13:24

I have been in the same position as you with DD and the hardest part was supporting her and her partner while keeping it secret from extended family who did not even know that she was pregnant.
It is heartbreaking, but like with all tragedy, life goes on and all we can do is be there for those who need us.

Washerwoman Mon 22-Jun-15 21:05:02

Thank you so so much for your kind and reassuring words.I feel less alone !I had a good chat with DD this evening.She doesn't mind my mum and other family knowing about this miscarriage but not for some time.She wants time to come to terms with it,and they want to try again within the next year and doesn't want a lot of fuss and comments in the early stages if she manages to conceive again.Two of our nieces lost babies much later on due to chromosomal abnormalities.And another niece ,who has a lovely little boy now had real problems conceiving.I think she feels that her experience doesn't compare to theirs ,although I know they would have lots of love for her,and she doesn't want to upset my mum.She needs to get this procedure out of the way.And my other 2 DDs are fantastic,as is my DH,so we'll all support each other.
It's been such a tough year in that we lost both my DHs parents within 5 months and then had the bombshell that his sister has terminal cancer.So this baby was such a joyful thing .But that's family life I guess.
I also found out on the first day of a much needed holiday.We're away for another week and I'm desperate to give her a hug.But she was adamant we stayed,and she has her lovely partner plus her best friend is going to hospital with her so it will all work out I'm sure.Hopefully before long I will return with happier news.Thanks again.

kittylester Mon 22-Jun-15 20:50:22

I had a missed abortion at 20 weeks in 1978 and I still think about that baby all these years later. It was brought home to me when DD3 suffered 3 early miscarriages around the time DD2 had her second baby - DD3 was so brave at the time and now has two little ones of her own - so there is hope for you and her.

Please talk to us if it helps.

mrshat Mon 22-Jun-15 20:46:52

So sorry Washerwoman. It's a tough call. I can empathise with your situation, but hang on in there. Things will get better flowers

Tegan Mon 22-Jun-15 20:24:11

It's a double grief in that you're grieving for the lost child and you're feeling so much pain for your daughter and having to be strong for her flowers.