Gransnet forums


First time as grandparent and daughter lost her baby.

(37 Posts)
Washerwoman Mon 22-Jun-15 16:59:02

Very early days I know. And my first post on Gransnet but I thought I was in no rush to be a grandma having had a few very busy and stressful years with all sorts of ups and downs with elderly parents,work and life in general.It was something to look forward to hopefully but honestly didn't think any of my 3 daughters was planning to start a family just yet.But then my middle daughter announced she was pregnant,after a couple of health scares herself and her partner losing his dad at a young age they had decided they didn't want to wait and wanted to be youngish parents and get on with it.
When she told me all of a sudden both myself and my DH were completely thrilled.Suddenly it all made sense,and her sisters were equally excited.
But very sadly at her 12 week scan she has just found out the baby died about 2 weeks ago,and tomorrow goes in for an evacuation.She's heartbroken,but very stoic and practical.And as a former midwife I know all too well how common miscarriage is.Especially in first pregnancies.
But I do feel I'm grieving this little baby very keenly.That's all really.And I know many more grandparents will have had to support their children through miscarriages and much later,and more complex situations.
My daughter doesn't want to let any but the few people who knew about her pregnancy know about her miscarriage at this stage - and that includes my very elderly but mentally with it mum- and I totally respect her wishes.But I'm finding it hard not to confide in my mum.I won't .So just wanted to sound off somewhere.Thanks for reading.

aggie Mon 22-Jun-15 17:03:16

So heartbreaking , the rush of love for the unborn , the looking forward ... then nothing , and not able to talk about it . I do understand your DD she wants to grieve and she has you to confide in and get support , you too need support and be able to talk it out .Talking here you will find others in the same boat , I hope it helps (((((((hugs))))))))

loopylou Mon 22-Jun-15 17:04:58

Welcome Washerwoman and I'm so sorry to hear about your DD's miscarriage. I had a late miscarriage and didn't really grieve until about 15 years later (and I don't know why then) after having two healthy children.

It's obviously only natural to grieve for the baby and the now unfulfilled dreams but hopefully there will be more babies.

I too was a midwife so, to a degree, I can empathise with you.

I wish you and your DD and family well. Take care x

Teetime Mon 22-Jun-15 17:05:46

Oh dear how terribly sad for you all. There are no words I can say but only that on here are lots of wonderful people on here who themselves will have gone through what you are experiencing and will certainly be feeling for you as I do. I hope your daughter is soon over the hospital experience and back home where you can all reassure her how special she is to you. I do hope the coming weeks ease some of these feelings and that your daughter recovers her strength very soon. My very best wishes to you all. flowers

Soutra Mon 22-Jun-15 17:20:47

Washerwoman I have every sympathy with you and I am sure all mothers and grandmothers know exactly where you are coming from. At least those who realise that the miracle of birth cannot be taken for granted.
My DD2 had to terminate her first, much wanted pregnancy at 14 weeks because the foetus, I can't bear to say baby, was so severely impaired as to be high unlikely to be viable. He/she would have been born in May on the day we gathered to celebrate our eldest grandson's 5th birthday. (DD1's eldest) My heart was breaking for her as I saw her play with her nephews and 6 month old niece and I know how she was suffering.
I lost our first baby before he was one month old and while I suffered the feeling of being a mother without a child, I am sorry to say I gave very little thought at the time to my own parents and parents in law who had also lost their first grandchild.
Life is bl**dy unfair and I can only wish you and your DD happier times in the future. In the meantime, I too am very very sad for you all.

Nelliemoser Mon 22-Jun-15 17:24:27

Washerwoman I can only imagine how upset you must be for your daughter and yourself.
Stick around, someone else will be along soon.

There are a number of other GNrs on here who have experienced this. ((((hugs))))

whenim64 Mon 22-Jun-15 17:47:38

How sad for you all, Washerwoman. Doesn't matter that it was relatively early - by this stage hopes and dreams have taken shape and the anticipation of a new member of the family has become real. I hope you stay around, too flowers

grannyactivist Mon 22-Jun-15 17:52:42

Washerwoman welcome to Gransnet. I'm so sorry that your first post is such a sad one, but as you can't talk about it in real life then maybe you'll find this to be a safe space to share your sadness. I lost a baby that died in the womb and it can be a fairly traumatic event for everyone concerned. flowers

Andyf Mon 22-Jun-15 18:11:35

Washerwoman, I know exactly how you are feeling, my Son & DIL ( who thankfully have a lovely healthy 7 yr old daughter) ( first pregnancy)have gone through the same thing. I too was asked not to tell anyone. I felt totally heartbroken. You will be grieving for the lost baby and feeling unbelievably sad and worried for your daughter and her husband.
I found that there is no support for Grandparents. Given time you will all feel a little better. Thinking of you.

trisher Mon 22-Jun-15 18:28:38

Welcome Washerwoman. Such a sad story, you must be heartbroken. This was and always will be your first grandchild. Not being able to tell your mum must be so difficult, perhaps at a later date your daughter will change her mind. Meantime you can post on here when it all gets too much.

Iam64 Mon 22-Jun-15 19:21:12

Welcome to gransnet Washerwoman. My heart goes out to you, we had a similar experience last year when our daughter was told at her 12 week scan that her baby had died. My daughter responded very much as yours has done, stoical, practical and sensible but heart broken. The word miscarriage seems to me to be completely lacking in any kind of feeling in describing the loss of a much loved and wanted first child

Soutra flowers for you and your daughter

Maggiemaybe Mon 22-Jun-15 20:09:08

I'm so very sorry to hear your sad news, Washerwoman, and I hope you find comfort from the support on GN from those who have been

Tegan Mon 22-Jun-15 20:24:11

It's a double grief in that you're grieving for the lost child and you're feeling so much pain for your daughter and having to be strong for her flowers.

mrshat Mon 22-Jun-15 20:46:52

So sorry Washerwoman. It's a tough call. I can empathise with your situation, but hang on in there. Things will get better flowers

kittylester Mon 22-Jun-15 20:50:22

I had a missed abortion at 20 weeks in 1978 and I still think about that baby all these years later. It was brought home to me when DD3 suffered 3 early miscarriages around the time DD2 had her second baby - DD3 was so brave at the time and now has two little ones of her own - so there is hope for you and her.

Please talk to us if it helps.

Washerwoman Mon 22-Jun-15 21:05:02

Thank you so so much for your kind and reassuring words.I feel less alone !I had a good chat with DD this evening.She doesn't mind my mum and other family knowing about this miscarriage but not for some time.She wants time to come to terms with it,and they want to try again within the next year and doesn't want a lot of fuss and comments in the early stages if she manages to conceive again.Two of our nieces lost babies much later on due to chromosomal abnormalities.And another niece ,who has a lovely little boy now had real problems conceiving.I think she feels that her experience doesn't compare to theirs ,although I know they would have lots of love for her,and she doesn't want to upset my mum.She needs to get this procedure out of the way.And my other 2 DDs are fantastic,as is my DH,so we'll all support each other.
It's been such a tough year in that we lost both my DHs parents within 5 months and then had the bombshell that his sister has terminal cancer.So this baby was such a joyful thing .But that's family life I guess.
I also found out on the first day of a much needed holiday.We're away for another week and I'm desperate to give her a hug.But she was adamant we stayed,and she has her lovely partner plus her best friend is going to hospital with her so it will all work out I'm sure.Hopefully before long I will return with happier news.Thanks again.

Pittcity Mon 22-Jun-15 21:13:24

I have been in the same position as you with DD and the hardest part was supporting her and her partner while keeping it secret from extended family who did not even know that she was pregnant.
It is heartbreaking, but like with all tragedy, life goes on and all we can do is be there for those who need us.

Washerwoman Mon 22-Jun-15 21:14:07

Just seen your comment Kittylester.I think that's my biggest worry that now she's had one she may be one of those like your DD3 who have the heartbreak of multiple miscarriage .But I think that's because I saw that as a midwife more than people would realise,and have a close friend who endured 5 miscarriages.But I'm sure it's the initial sadness making me worry in advance.And really that helps neither me ,nor my daughter !
Also meant we're away another week.Stupid typos.Tired.But reassured.Thanks.

Anya Mon 22-Jun-15 21:19:17

Sadly I know only too well some of the pain you are going through (((hugs)))

TwiceAsNice Mon 22-Jun-15 21:51:46

So sorry for you all. Life can be so upsetting. I don't know if it's appropriate at the moment but the Miscarriage Association is very helpful and sympathetic and can be very supportive to women in your daughters situation they are available at any time afterwards if your daughter or you would like to speak with someone. Just a thought. I wish you all well at a very sad time.

Soutra Tue 23-Jun-15 09:19:26

Also sending warmest wishes to your daughter for the procedure. In our experience (UCLH) the unit was very pleasant and the staff and support excellent). Unfortunately DD had some tissue left behind as we discovered 3 weeks later when she restarted bleeding and frankly was in a bad place emotionally as well as physically, and had to go back into hospital. Waiting for results of genetic screening was also harrowing but gradually she and her wonderful partner seem to have put (most of) it behind them, built up their emotional strength and are now waiting for nature to hopefully take its course.
I wish you and your DD healing in mind as well as body, nobody should underestimate how it poleaxes you and how long you can go on hurting. flowers

kittylester Tue 23-Jun-15 09:51:58

DD was advised to try again very quickly each time. Which she did. I'm not sure she was emotionally ready and her husband (known round these parts as the Idiot, among other things!) was very little help to her.

But that is all in the past and her two are fabulous. Hopefully your DD will have the same happy outcome.

harrigran Tue 23-Jun-15 10:52:30

So sad for all of you Washerwoman. My DIL lost her second baby at twelve weeks and she took it very badly, as did DS. DIL was in her late 30s so she fretted in case she did not manage to get pregnant again but she did 6 months later and carried the baby to term.
There are no guarantees in this life but if she is still young, she has time on her side.

Nonnie Tue 23-Jun-15 11:58:17

I just want to send my sympathy. I have no experience of this as a grandparent, only as the one having the miscarriages. I will tell you my story in the hope that it will help you and her.

I have had 10 babies but only achieved 3 children, third time lucky each time and the last one was twins of which only one survived. But I DID IT! I persevered and feel that at times I appreciate my children (and maybe grandchildren) more than some because anything you have to work hard for you really appreciate.

The worst thing was the loneliness of it, I felt as if no one understood or was there for me because in those days it wasn't talked about and there was no support group. I think therefore that you should be prepared to talk about it as much as she wants to and never let anyone minimise what has happened. People think they are 'helping' when they say it was only x number of weeks or, there was probably something wrong with it etc. She doesn't want to hear any of that, she wants people to grieve with her and CARE!

It never fades, I'm in bits now just reading it all and writing this but I hope it helps her and you.

Soutra Tue 23-Jun-15 12:27:45

Nonnie I am very very sad for what you have suffered and full of admiration for your courage. I think there is much more understanding of and support for ante and post natal bereavement, miscarriage, still birth and neonatal death. 40years ago people did not talk about it and the loneliness was dreadful, all your hormones said one thing, reality said another. Friends with babies felt awkward maybe even guilty, friend who had not had babies sympathised but didn't really get it, your own parents would grieve for your pain as well as their own. But both mums and health professionals these days are much more aware and open about it all and the many support groups are there so that a woman (and a man) do not need to face this entirely alone.