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Perplexed - meabt well but have offended

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gransky Mon 22-Jun-15 20:55:58

I am new to all this but loving my new GD of 10 months. Son and DIL often visit at weekends and all seemed well. I know they would like me to look after GD when DIL returns to work in 3 weeks. They know I am recovering from major op following brief spell of cancer, caught early. I cannot pick up darling GD and am waiting for another op. I am friends with other grandmother and visited her last week when she was looking after GD for the day. We enjoyed sharing the care. Other grandparent is going away for 2 weeks and hinted that her other daughter would be covering on those days. She also expressed concern that other daughter might need help as she has little experience of babies. When DIL returned I offered to share the care on those two days. DIL did not say very much .
I later received a call from my son asking me to arrange care with DIL or himself. He told me DIL felt that I and her mother had arranged care for GD between us and that they should be the ones to sort out care. He was clearly not happy with this. I meant well but see now that I should have been more tactful. It is all a minefield and I do not know how I managed to be so tactless. Think I will see if they contact me to ask for care on those days and leave it otherwise. I cannot offer other days as I need another person there to pick DG up when necessary. How would you play it? Any advice would be good as I feel an atmosphere is brewing and want to avoid ill-feeling. On the other hand I do not want to tread on eggshells!

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Vanora Sun 23-Aug-15 12:44:17

Sorry to hear you're caught up in one of those "whatever you say/do makes it worse" situations. In the past I have sometimes, though not always, found that a "Sorry if I've upset you (meaning both DS and DiL), I didn't mean to" often helps.

Unfortunately, the last time I did this, the response was "Stick your sorry where the sun doesn't shine" All I can, and am doing is waiting it out until DiL relents

HildaW has a lot of good advice there! I would add that including something along the lines of - What CAN I do to help?; - since I am/was ill I just don't have the energy I used to - etc etc.

I am tempted to ramble about my own situation but everyone's is different. Not EVERYTHING is ever your fault, you are doing the best you can

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marfin41 Sun 23-Aug-15 12:54:35

granskyMost grandparents will bend over backwards to help respectful thoughtful appreciative DD or DIL BUT if that's not there then sorry , I would punish myself and not see my grandkids for a month if that's what it took for the message to get through.
In this situation the DIL and DS are behaving ridiculously and putting you under more damaging and unnecessary stress.

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soontobe Mon 24-Aug-15 09:00:04

There is a long running thread on here, where grandparents have been cut out of the gcs lives for ever it seems.
Also there are regular threads in relationships along similar lines.

I am not a grandparent yet. But the stories on gransnet are enough to make me think longer and harder about the general situation.

Also, I have noticed that my DH would be far more likely to give in than I would.
So if ever the situation did arise, it would get complicated.

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