Son told me there will be no grandchildren

My daughter has two children who I adore. My son and his wife have decided they are not going to have any. It is their decision and I believe that you can have a very happy and fulfilled life without children. It is just different. Just be glad that they are happy. Having children, or grandchildren is not a right but a privilege (and jolly hard work!).

It's lovely to see so many hopeful remarks, but then so many of you go on to say "now got X amount of grandchildren!" I know your being positive but it still kind of rubs salt in the wound!

I've been given the same news by my son and DIL. I also found it difficult to cope with so I do sympathise. However, I'm trying to think that it's their decision - better that than to have children just because it's the thing to do and then not be able to stay together because of the stress.

Having said that, it's still difficult as a potential grandparent. I would leave well alone and see how things pan out - as someone else said, it's early days and they may find themselves in a different situation when their peers have families.

Best wishes, xx

How old are they? When i got married I didn't want children but by the time I was 30 I did. These days 30 is quite young to have your first child-37 or 40 is usual. So don't give up but get on with other things, maybe even think about volunteeering for some child-centred activity if it is contact with children you want.

Maybe they don't want children, which is a body-blow for you because we are hardwired for future generations, not just our own children but beyond.

They haven't been married for very long and need to get used to that, even if they've been living together for years. Perhaps they can't imagine the next stage in life yet because they're clinging to the present one of unencumbered, newly-wedded bliss.

Could they be saying that they don't want children because people (not getting at you!) keep speculating? Did they live together before marrying? If so, speculation will be rife!

If they are still young and see their friends are getting married and/or popping out babies their perspective may change with time. Then again it may not. But don't give up hope!

I agree with both streams of advice here, Wannabe. I never contemplated being a grandmother, taking the view that that was definitely something that was a decision for other people, and that nothing I did would have anything to do with the outcome. I sometimes feel embarrassed when Mums put pressure on their DC. After all, we don't always know what is going on, it isn't our business to know all the background.

I have a toddler GS now, and DD and DSiL are wonderful parents though GS arrived later in life. I love my role as GM. Perhaps even more for not thinking about it in advance!

Sadly, even if you had been told that your DS was hoping for a family, it doesn't always happen, so you would then have even worse disappointment, and your poor DS and his wife to comfort, too, as others have said.

If you just love being around small children, I am sure your local primary school would welcome help with reading, or stories, or talking about your life, if you enquired. I know they are not 'yours' but they can be delightful just the same. I have known someone who did this who was called Granny by the children, as some did not have any GPs. Make life enjoyable as it is and if things change, you can be delighted, but not get depressed if they don't.

Even if you do go on to have grandchildren it isn't a given that you'll spend lots of time with them and, even if you do have access your idea of being a granny might be far removed from the dreams you had of what it would be like. I wonder if the young couple were tired perhaps of comments from all directions about when they were going to start a family? With my mum having terrible problems having me I've never asked the question to young couples. Even so, wannabe is still going through a bereavement of a kind and hopefully time will heal the sadness slightly.

It's horrible to feel distraught and bereft - but I'm afraid I think you are over-investing in their lives It is their choice and their decision, as of course you know and accept, but part of accepting that is to get used to the idea, and get over it !! This might not happen straight away, as your emotions are clearly intense, but it might be time to think about the positives for them and for you (as suggested above).

Hanging on to hope is probably not a great idea - of course things might change and how lovely if they do, but you cannot think in that way, IMO.

I'm with Cher and elena on this...its their future, not yours. I also think that they must have already felt the pressure of your 'expectations' already to boldly announce the fact. Its not really something I would expect a young couple to do. I certainly have not dreamed of raising it with my children. Neither have I openly asked about the progress (or not) of relationships. Sometimes I am told things, sometimes I jump to conclusions but I always wait for them to let me know what they want me to know.

You need to see your future on your terms, make plans that you have control over....its no use fretting and worrying about something you have no control over....that way madness lies.

Here's my gut reaction - perhaps they are having fertility issues, and by making this statement they are eliminating external pressure or queries? (Newbie, so be gentle with me, lol)

Welcome Midwich.....and its a perfectly valid explanation but my feeling about any of these 'I want to be a Grandma' issues, and we've had quite a few, is always along the lines of ....Hand on heart how many of us, when first planning (or not planning!) our own families were thinking along the lines of 'I'm doing this to make my Mum a Granny? I'm trying very hard at the moment to remember if I considered how my Mum would feel at all.....it certainly did not cross my mind that I was 'giving' her a Grandchild, though as things turned out she was very pro-active in the early days as my OH had left me by the time baby arrived!!

Becoming a Grandparent is not about who gives birth to whom its more about the gift of a relationship and not the child itself.....we've had our day and our children have grown-up, and are now having children of their own (or not) - its their life and we can be happy for them....if we're lucky we will have a relationship with the baby (some do not or cannot), and that's going to be awesome but we must just be grateful for what happens - its their life, not mine. If our children feel that we resent their life choices and are disappointed with how they choose to live then that will open the door to a much less open and honest relationship with them, they may feel the need to include you even less in their lives.

OP, I'm really sorry that you're having a hard time accepting their decision. Yes, they might change their minds but I certainly wouldn't bank on it. Two of my older siblngs said they didn't want children and they haven't had any. Now in their 60's, I can't see that changing.

My nephew and niece were adamant they didn't want children and as my nephew is sadly bereaved, I can't see him becoming a father now unless to a new partner who has an existing family.

I have a DS with no grandparents as both sets of parents died before he was born. I feel very sad that my mum never met him as she would have been a wonderful granny, and it's hard when his friends talk about their extended family of grandparents, cousins etc.

I also have one DGS (from DSS) but rarely see him as we live in another country and he doesn't really know who we are.

Try not to focus on what you haven't got but on how your life is now and how to make it even more fulfilling for you. Glass half full, is my outlook. That's all any of us can do.

I have no grandchildren as yet. It would be nice if it happened but I didn't have children in the expectation of them living around the corner and me doing the child care. I have no expectations and so have difficulty relating to being disappointed.
There are lots of ways to have involvement with small children. I am like an extra granny to my friend's children because she lives 300 miles away and I am local. I am also like a granny to a family where the actual grandparents live in another country. My volunteering jobs also give me plenty of contact with children.
They may also change their minds in another 10 yrs or so.

I have several friends with grandchildren in Australia and so they have to rely on Skype.
There is no guarantee that your picture of being a grandmother would be anything like reality.

I do have sympathy with the OP. It is clear on this site that those who do have GC have found great joy in them, and it is understandable that she might feel disappointed that this will not be part of her life. I am sure she understands that it is their choice and respects that.

My Daughter told me she and her husband are having no children, I thought when they first got married over 8 years ago she would change her mind, but so far no and she is 35 now with a good job that takes her away from home a lot. I would love to have the Mum Daughter Grandchild experience but it looks like she meant it.

I am lucky though as my 2 sons have children although I only see one GC on a regular basis as the others live on the other side of the world.

I love children and dreamt of having GC living close by and popping in often to see us, but sadly it doesn't work that way.

Wanabee I hope they do change their minds in the future.

I agree HildaW great care needed with this subject. I remember telling my DOM that I wasn't having children for at least 10 years after I got married (very young by modern standards) she said not a word and three years later DD1 arrived. I am afraid once the Dc have become adults we don't really have any control, nor should we but Wannabe I do realise how upset you must feel.

Wannabee - do not give up hope. Our daughter was always adamant that children were not for her and so when she married we had no expectation of being grandparents. To our utter shock, after two years, she handed me a ball of wool and pair of knitting needles and said "get knitting - you've got six months." ! It was a wonderful surprise but I did wonder how she would come to terms with parenthood. I needn't have worried; she is an outstanding mother and some of you will recall my recent query about adoption regarding her number two. I hope you will be lucky too.

The Biological Clock is a powerful thing.

I do have sympathy, you can't change your feelings. I just don't identify.
A friend who thought she would never get any did when she was quite old so it was a bonus to get one at 76yrs, she was just a bit past rolling on the floor by then.

Yes Letitia - we were 70 when we became first timers. Grandad is more active than me but we have lots of fun cooking and playing card and board games and just chatting about life in general. If I got on the floor I wouldn't get up again.

I really feel for you Wannabe, and I most sincerely hope that a few happy 'accidents' will happen, so that you may enjoy the pleasures of grannyhood.

Until then, you could always have a look at this:
www.adopt-a-grandma.co.uk/

That must be really difficult if yours is an only child.
I have three daughters and two have children whereas the third daughter & her lovely hubby don't want kids either. I have accepted that but I know his mother found it very hard despite the fact that her daughter has given her two lovely little granddaughters.

When I was little we had an 'honorary' granny who wasn't even related to us. Perhaps if you have close friends who have grandchildren who don't have all their other grandparents alive, perhaps you could have this special bond with them. AS children are growing its great if they can have someone they can turn to for advice or to bounce thing off of who will be totally unbiased.

My younger son is living with his fiancée who has announced she never wants children. she is the youngest of 6 children so maybe that has put her off! My son is very good with his niece and nephew who adore him, I feel that he will miss out on a fulfilling experience, but they are young so things might change. In the meantime they are filling their house with pets and cuddly toys, I think this is displacement activity! I think it is their decision so won't comment, I am lucky to have two grandchildren from older son whose girlfriend got pregnant when they were both only twenty one and had only known one another a few months, they had a tough start.

As your son is an only child that must be very hard, however it is their decision. I'm not sure how old they are, if they are very young they could possibly change their minds later on.
A member of our family decided that she did not want children although she adores her nieces and is wonderful with them.

However, I would say that children don't always arrive even if you want them desperately.