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Banned from seeing Grandson!

(49 Posts)
tengis19 Fri 05-Feb-16 16:53:55

Hi All,

Really just coming on here as I need to vent. We have been banned from seeing our Grandson for the last 4 weeks and it is really starting to get me down!

My sons partner will not let us seem him due to something so stupid. My husband is known to be a grump hehe! and not very tactful shall we say. New Years Eve I was out and my son, his partner and baby turned up unexpectedly. My hubbie had just lit the wood burner and was just going to settle down for a nap as we were due to go out for New Year.

So him being him he said "what are you doing here, didn't we see enough of you at Christmas". My other son and partner also had come and they laughed it off as my hubbie being himself. Unbeknown to us my other sons partner was not best pleased and as such we have now been banned from seeing the little one. I just find it so silly and immature or is it just me. Would anyone on here react like that?

I have asked to see him and unfortunately it causes arguments for my son as he is in the middle. So I am now thinking why bother! My son cannot even bring baby round himself because if he tries she barricades the door so he cannot get out.

I am starting to think she is not very well and is possibly bi-polar as she can up one minute and down the next. Just like a switch being turned on and off.

I just feel so unhappy about it all. To be honest we have had problems from the day he was born. We missed out on a lot because of her weird ways. We were so excited about being Grandparents but she has just ruined it all and made it so difficult :-(

RedheadedMommy Fri 05-Feb-16 17:07:37

Has your husband apologiesd for upsetting your sons partner?
It might be silly, but if it's genuinely offended/upset her or whatever then he needs to accept that and say sorry.

J52 Fri 05-Feb-16 17:10:53

Sorry to hear of your woes, it must be very difficult and I would find the situation very distressing.

Obviously you know your DIL better than us, so I can only suggest that you quietly bide your time. I don't think anything you say or do will improve the situation and could make it very much worse.

You may find that time heals and they come round, as if nothing has happened. In the mean time flowers


Wendysue Fri 05-Feb-16 17:40:06

Tengis19, I'm so sorry about this! (((Hugs!)))

I know you say you're just "venting," but you also ask "is it just me." No, I don't think it's just you. I've heard similar stories and believe a lot of GPs would feel the way you do. I also have a few thoughts that might help you make sense of it all, if you're interested (if not, I understand, just skip the to the end of this post).

Unfortunately, your son's partner is not as willing to tolerate your DH's (dear husband's) "grumpy" ways as the rest of the family is. If this is part of his personality, I know it may be hard for him to control it. But I'm sure there are situations where he has done so, like maybe at work, etc. So maybe he can do so with this young woman? I'm going to agree with Red that he needs to apologize - and I'll add, try not to offend this young lady again. After all, it affects you and your son, as well as DH (sigh).

But your last paragraph may be the key to a large part of the problem. Apparently, you have been at odds with this young woman since your GS was born. DH's comment may have been a sort of "last straw" for her. Even if you have done nothing wrong, if she felt you or DH were out-of-line in any way, then that may be impacting her reactions now. It seems very unfair that she's keeping you from seeing GS, due to her anger at DH. But if some of the earlier issues involved you, then, sad to say, she may feel she's justified in keeping baby away from you, as well.

I'm not sure what you mean by "her weird ways" but again, I'm sorry that you feel you "missed out on a lot." I suspect that her idea of how much you should be involved as GPs is different than yours, and, as a GM, myself, I know that can be hard to accept. When that happens, though, I'm afraid the parents' vision always prevail cuz, hey, yunno, they're the parents and we are "just" the GPs (sigh). If DH apologizes and the relationship is resumed, you and he may have to approach this grandparenting thing with a whole new view.

"My son cannot even bring baby round himself because if he tries she barricades the door so he cannot get out. "

Uh-oh. This suggests a serious marital problem to me. Even if she thinks she's 100% right in keeping GS from you, imprisoning her husband/your son like that is not ok. Marital issues may be at the heart of this. I hate to say it but maybe it's just as well if they stay away for a while till they figure out their issues.

Hoping this all works out soon and that you get to enjoy GS once again!

NanaandGrampy Fri 05-Feb-16 17:50:30

I agree with previous posters an apology is essential.

I too have a Grumpy . We had to have a frank and lively discussion where I totally laid it on the line for him. Alienate my grandchilds father and you're gone! Sounds harsh I know but he was set in his ways which I had tolerated for 30 years.

I should have pulled him up much sooner because he only did it because we as a family let him.

Maybe , he could go round alone and take flowers and offer a serious apology . He may not want to but this is about your grandchild. Isn't it worth it?

Jalima Fri 05-Feb-16 18:04:16

It's not grumpiness with my DH (although he can be!), but I have to warn him about his sense of 'barrack-room' humour acquired in the Forces. I have told him that not everyone appreciates it or understands it and could take offence but he seems to think it is not a problem. hmm

Unless your DH has the same kind of sense of humour and it misfired (in which case an apology and an explanation from you should be enough), I think he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he is rude and he needs to grovel apologise, perhaps with some flowers

Wendysue Fri 05-Feb-16 18:35:56

I'm torn on the idea of DH's going over there with flowers. So lovely - but if he shows up out-of-the-blue when DS' lady doesn't want him there, I'm afraid it could backfire. He might want to run that idea by DS first.

Anyhow, if he apologizes (and I know he might not agree to it), I think he needs to keep it simple. Just, yunno, "I'm sorry I was so rude when you people came over on New Year's." Perhaps he could add that he was sleepy/just about to take a nap and "not thinking straight" or something like that. But better not to try to justify too much or it might sound like he's making excuses... just a thought...

"what are you doing here, didn't we see enough of you at Christmas".

Tengis, I realize you also asked if we would react to this comment the way your son's partner reacted. TBH, I just might. If I knew this was someone's sense of humor, maybe not. But otherwise... I know he's your DH and you love him, but really telling people you already saw "enough of" them is very insulting. I can totally see where someone might be offended by this and might not want their child exposed to this type of rudeness (even though just a baby).

"my son, his partner and baby turned up unexpectedly. "

I gotta admit, I think this ^ was rude, too, unless dropping in on each other is common in your family. I don't blame DH for being annoyed. If relationships weren't at stake, I would cut him some slack on his tactless response. But they are, unfortunately.

That being said, at some time, you might want to have a talk with your DSs (dear sons). Since they know their dad can respond badly, they should, I believe, avoid doing things - like dropping in unexpectedly - that might set him off. They know the man better than their partners do and they bear some responsibility here, too, I think. It's not all on DH, even though I still feel he needs to apologize.

trisher Fri 05-Feb-16 18:57:31

It sounds to me as if your DHs remark was the final straw for your son's partner. She is probably very aware that you regard her as "silly" "immature" and having"weird ways" and has decided that she doesn't want her child exposed to people who have such a low opinion of her. If you want to see your grandson you are going to have to change your attitude to her and build bridges. An apology would be a start but it's probably going to take a great deal of hard work as well.

f77ms Fri 05-Feb-16 20:40:40

You have my sympathy ,firstly for being banned from seeing your Grandson and secondly for having such a tactless hubby . I should think he must say sorry before any further communications with your sons wife will happen.
I was banned from seeing my Gs for 8 months as my son had split up with his partner and he was also banned as a punishment . It was devastating and also affected my little 18 month old Gs very badly , he began to have anxiety problems at this time and still has difficulties now 6 years later .
I now understand the phrase `using your kids as weapons` but sadly the main casualty of this are the children .

Jalima Sat 06-Feb-16 19:50:40

she barricades the door so he cannot get out.
That sounds very odd, is she an Amazon?

tengis19 Tue 09-Feb-16 10:37:57

Hi All

Thank you all for your input. You will be pleased to know we saw the little man this weekend and we think things have now calmed down :-)

Families can be very difficult :-) We thought we were doing everything right but maybe not. I am still a little bemused by her behaviour. We have been nothing but supportive from the moment we were given the news (not a planned pregnancy) Helped them to move twice (I spent the day cleaning old place before they moved), went guarantors on their rented property, gave them things to help get them started. I even hosted her baby shower. None of her family once stepped forward.

If they need any help with something we are the first people they run to.

I have spoken to hubbie and explained not everyone gets his humour or ways and he has said he will think before he speaks in future! I suppose myself, children and family are used to it. And I presumed she also got his ways because of things she has said before but hey ho! My father worked in the Dockyard and their humour is also an acquired taste :-) I think the main reason for his poor taste comment was the fact they all turned up unexpectedly when he had his afternoon all planned and normally he would not have said anything.

Trisher - In regard of your comments. That could not be farther from the truth. When she comes to my home I am nothing but nice to her. I bend over backwards to make her feel at home! If I know she is coming I make sure I have in food and drink that she likes etc. I don't think I could do more because I know of the high price to pay if I did not.

Again thank you all xx

Jalima Tue 09-Feb-16 13:30:02

Hope all goes well from now on, it probably won't be plain sailing but I hope you can weather any storms

(Note the Naval expressions there, Dockyard and RN must have the same sense of humour, not always appreciated by civvies smile). Perhaps she was feeling a bit sensitive, he was tired and grumpy, hope it was a storm in a teacup!.

WilmaKnickersfit Tue 09-Feb-16 13:40:52

OP if I were you I'd make sure your DH went out of his way to be nice to your DiL for a while. Even if things have settled down now, if she doesn't change her mind about how she thinks about you and your DH, then it won't take much to set things off again. smile

Smileless2012 Tue 09-Feb-16 14:32:34

I'm relieved that you've seen your grand son since making your original postsmile. It's never justifiable to use children as weapons which is what your d.i.l. did when she denied you contact for 4 weeks.

A total over reaction to your husband's remark IMO. I hope for all your sake's that your husband is more sensitive in the future and that your d.i.l. resists the temptation to use her child to get revenge which she clearly did on this occasion.

Good luck for the futuresmile.

Elrel Tue 09-Feb-16 20:42:55

If none of her family came and helped them with moving home and the baby coming perhaps your DiL finds family relationships difficult and is easily offended. I have a young relative who frequently misunderstands things said to her, jumps to irrational conclusions, and is unnecessarily suspicious of people's motives. Exactly like her mother's family, they also have lots of 'not speaking to him/her' going on.

tengis19 Thu 11-Feb-16 16:00:38

I was saying to my sister how attitudes have changed over the years. It used to be bend over backwards to be nice to the mother-in-law lol. Now it has changed around the other way and grandparents have to pander to the daughter-in-law. Respect for elders does not seem to exist anymore :-(

If I treated my mother-in-law the way I am treated she would of skinned me alive! And no matter what was said I would never have dreamt about refusing her to see her grandchildren. I suppose it is just a different way of thinking.

Wendysue Sun 14-Feb-16 12:01:56

So glad you got to see your GS again and that things seem to be ok! It sounds as if DIL is the type that reacts quickly/in the moment but gets over things quickly, too. Good to know, IMO!

Good idea, I think, to talk to DH about his humor! And I'm glad to hear he's going to be more careful. Worth it, I think, to try to ensure maintaining a relationship with that little guy.

Kudos to you and DH for having been there so much for DS and DIL! However, I think Elrel is right and DIL may have issues about family relationships that have nothing to do with you. If she feels, for example, that her own family really doesn't care about her, she might suspect that you and DH don't either, underneath it all. As soon as DH questioned their coming over, she may have thought, "Ahah! So just like my family, he really doesn't want us around!" DH may need to be extra careful not to do anything that sets off that reaction in her. But DS may also have to avoid bringing her into any situations (like visiting unexpectedly) where something like that might happen. (Again, I think you may need to have a talk with DS about this if you think he'll listen.)

Hope all goes well from now on! Enjoy that grandbaby!

rosesarered Sun 14-Feb-16 13:28:42

Yes, what happened to being nice to MIL? ?
Glad things are better now tengis using a ban on grandparents seeing their DGC is a low thing to do, whatever the arguement between adults.

Yogagirl Tue 16-Feb-16 07:48:32

Pleased to hear you are all back to normal tengis I would have seen the funny side if that had been said to me, & your hubby looking forward to his nap before going out for NY was immense bad timing!
Smileless & I have been cut out of our dear GC lives for 3.5yrs now sad we both had done & said nothing wrong, so you need to be very careful of your D.i.l, she's done it once, she will do it again & it wont take much by the sound of it! Best of luck flowers

Av1dreader Tue 16-Feb-16 08:31:30

Glad it is sorted out. When I read your post I thought that is exactly the sort of comment my husband would make . Luckily my DIL knows him well and would have laughed and still bustled in with the 2 GC. Having said that my SIL probably would take offence , however DD would soon put him right luckily. Inlaws, bit of a minefield in most families.

Av1dreader Tue 16-Feb-16 08:33:31

Just to point out that it would be my husbands sense of humour and said very tongue in cheek, not everyone gets that though.

Tizliz Tue 16-Feb-16 13:01:59

My mother used to tell of the time they turned up at her FIL's to find a sign outside saying 'B&B closed'. No one took offence. Though she never actually said what they did, probably just ignored the sign.

NanaBridget Wed 17-Feb-16 17:40:56

I wish my sons would turn up more, announced or unannounced. They are so busy at work and looking after their own families they rarely visit us. They do have a good excuse though for they live over 300 miles away. Fortnately, we always get an invitation to visit them.and their lovely families.

We did consider moving nearer to them but the house prices were incredibly higher for same type of property.

Accommodation for staying over is also a problem, though the eldest has now bought a caravan which we could stay in. I am hoping their caravan trips will bring them near to us.

Sulis Sat 05-Mar-16 10:30:58

Hi! I understand exactly how you feel. I was banned from seeing my grandson for over 4 years. I was never told what I had done wrong, but I apologised anyway! In fact his mum had forbidden my son to have any contact at all with me. It broke my heart. After my son had left his partner and we had been able to return to a mother/son relationship, he continued to support financially and have some contact with his son, albeit from a long distance. This happened in 2011, and just this week, four and a half years later, she is prepared to let me see him. An apology is absolutely essential from your husband. If the lady in question is a difficult person to deal with, then I suggest extremely gentle and loving dealings with the family and bags upon bags of patience. We are all difficult at times, and we are all who we are, neither better nor worse, and what works best is if we are loved as we are, warts and all. To bring my son back to being my son I used to text him every so often, not asking him for anything, but just letting him know that I was still there and that the door was always open. I wish you all the very best.

Yogagirl Sat 05-Mar-16 12:15:21

Thanks for sharing Sulis and enjoy your new relationship with your GS *S. I do the same with my estS re; txt & emails, but my estD has moved, still only 5mins down the rd, but I have no add. Haven't seen them or my precious GC for 3.5yrs!