Banned from seeing Grandson!

This generation of mums (not all of them of course) are very aware of their power over doting grandparents and seize on any reason to take offence.

I hope the situation resolves itself. I've had problems with my dil and do get very tired placating her all the time, but I keep my grandchildren in mind.

You are right Falconbird - there does seem to be a generation of nasty, power-crazy daughters and DiL's out there.

I know all about power-crazy DiLs, well one anyway!.

I know I am going to spend the rest of my life grovelling and I will because I have two gorgeous GC that I want to continue seeing. How times have changed, I would never have been rude or done anything that I thought was offensive in any way to my iLaws. Now I have to be so careful not to make life difficult for my DS.

I can't speak from experience about DiLs, as I have two daughters and thus have SiLs, but I sympathise about grumpy, tactless DHs! Mine has managed to insult every family member at one time or another. Fortunately, they are used to it and don't usually take offence, unless he really oversteps the mark. However, it embarrasses me and leads to many discussions about "why are you so rude?" Often he is quite surprised to be told that what he has said is inappropriate.

Is this a man thing, or are there lots of wives who embarrass their husbands in the same way?

Hi, I'm new on Gransnet, and I joined to try to get a bit of moral support, because I'm really depressed right now. I'm in a similar position to you, and haven't been able to see my grandchildren for well over a year now. My son is married to a vicious harridan of a woman who is very controlling, and nearly two years older than he is. My ex didn't want them to get married, and he was constantly on the phone to me, asking me if Ross was doing the right thing. I would always reply that he is an adult, and is capable of making his own decisions. To cut a long story short, at the beginning of the week when the wedding was due to take place, he died in his house of COPD. Ross had been worried that he was not answering the phone, and wanted me to take him round.

My older son, Alasdair, who lived with me at that time, decided he was coming too. Ross entered the house and we followed him in to find my ex dead, sitting on a chair by his dining table, and a half-smoked cigarette had burned itself out on the table top. Ross and his wife had to postpone their wedding, because Donald had died just three days before they were due to be married.

This was the beginning of my troubles. Because Donald had not done the necessary work to take my name off the title deeds, apparently half the proceeds of the house had to come to me. Ross didn't like this, as it would leave less for him and Alasdair. I tried to persuade my solicitor to remit the cash to my sons in equal amounts, however he said there was no legal way he could do this. As a result, I acquired a small(ish) sum of money, which all had to go on outstanding bills.

Ross was really resentful of this, and has not really kept contact with me since, until I had a heart attack and a neighbour told him I had been taken away in an ambulance. He visited once while I was in hospital, and on two occasions after I got home, he brought the grandchildren round to see me. This stopped abruptly, as his wife forbade him from coming to visit me.

At Christmas 2014, Alasdair had come home, and was planning to take Christmas presents to Ross and the children. I gave him the presents I had bought, as he was told to "come alone".

On Christmas 2015, I just put money into Ross's bank account, because I felt unable to ask them what suitable presents I should buy for the children. He didn't even thank me, though I had given him a substantial sum of money.

Recently, his wife contacted me through Facebook after I had posted a funny picture about grandchildren. She accused me of never having anything to do with them, and I replied that I had been pushed away, because they had denied me the opportunity to see the children at Christmas 2014. She denied this, although Alasdair still has the text message on his phone asking him to come alone.

I am at my wits' end, and can't think what to do. Our local council has a family mediation project, and I have telephoned twice, and also completed an online form, however, despite promises, nobody from the project has bothered to contact me. My health is not improving, and I am severely depressed. The doctor won't give me antidepressants because of the other medication I have to take for my heart, diabetes and other problems.

I realise nobody on here can do very much - I just need the chance to vent. My friends know what is going on, but they're powerless to help.

Hi Carole, welcome to the forum.Sounds a sad story.If your sons are really so angry about getting less money as an inheritance, than they expected, that is hardly your fault, and it sounds as if you needed the money.
Take It slowly and try and build bridges, it's easy to let family ( or friends) just drift away as time ticks on.
Ask them to visit for coffee and cake, and let them lead the conversation.Have a present for each of the grandchildren ready to give to them.If necessary, tell them that you value them and hope you can start again?Good Luck.?

carole2512 hello and welcome to gransnet.

I'm sorry to read of your sad situation, but can I suggest that you might like to ask GNHQ to delete your post so that you can re-post without using the identifying names? (Unless they are not the real names of course.) This is an open site that anyone can read and it may be that your sons names give the game away to people who you wouldn't like to see this post.

Hi Carole
That is good advice from grannyactivist. You may not be aware that anyone can read posts. On occasion posts are even quoted in the press.

Welcome Carole! So deeply sorry to hear of your predicament!

So unfair for your YS (younger son) to blame you for your X's mistake! It's not your fault that the man didn't take your name off the title deeds! If YS is angry, it should be at your X or just at the situation, itself.

"As a result, I acquired a small(ish) sum of money, which all had to go on outstanding bills."

Are you saying that the money from the sale of the house had to go to pay bills owed by the estate, according to law? If you are, is this what YS "resented?" Maybe he thought you should have just divided it between him and OS (older son) or maybe the two of them and yourself? But I don't think you legally could have. Doesn't YS understand this? If not, I'm so sorry.

I'm glad your heart attack softened his, I'm sorry though that this is what it took.

"This stopped abruptly, as his wife forbade him from coming to visit me."

How do you know that DIL did this?

"She accused me of never having anything to do with them, and I replied that I had been pushed away, because they had denied me the opportunity to see the children at Christmas 2014. She denied this..."

Could it be that she doesn't know? That it has been YS all the time? Maybe you need to contact him (can you?0 to sort things out? This may be key.

Regardless, again, I'm so very sorry. (((Hugs)))

You mention that you feel your daughter in law may be bi-polar.
She may have post natal depression,in which case,there needs to be tolerance of any erratic behaviour.
A very odd way for your husband to behave too.

Carol go on 'Relationships; Support page for families cut out out...'

Hi Sulis,
So glad you are now seeing DGS again. My DS and DiL have not allowed me to see my DGD's for over 5 years now. I recently contacted my ex DH (son's father) to hear from him that he had never seen our grandchildren and dint even know what their names are. I send birthday and Christmas presents via my sons in laws, but I dont hear back if they have been received. Nothing. In 2014 we nearly reached a compromise - my son told me by email there was definitely 'a possibility' I could see him and his children. But it all came to a stop. I send him an email every 3 months with cheery news, I tell him I love him. I get no answer but feel its important to keep telling him. I had so been looking forward to being a GP as mine were so marvellous. Would others keep sending presents, messages, in spite of silence?

Hi SparkyGran So sorry to hear your sad story. No doubt your d.i.l is behind the estrangement. As for sending emails, cards & presents, I'm not sure, as your estrangement is different to mine. I always sent cards to my precious GC, but now they have moved, I can only put them in their gift sacks, the gifts being from the first Xmas & birthdays, after that I sent just a card and opened a savings acc for both GC and put money in at Xmas & birthdays.

I have never sent a card to my estD, as I will not reward her cruelty to me & her sister and to her little girl, my GD, that I had such a special bond with, as she & her mum [estD] lived with me before nasty s.i.l [GD's now stepdad] came on the scene and cut us all out.

My Son, unbelievably, joined my D and cut us out of his life too, no reason, other than following nasty s.i.l's instructions. Again I have no add for my Son, to send cards to, but I have always emailed him on his birthday and Xmas, without reply. His sister [my other D] had a baby and contacted him, but still he did not reply, my niceD was very upset, so this coming birthday and Xmas, I am intending not to send an email, but than come the day, I may weaken!

How old are your GDs? and do other family members, from your side of the family, get to see any of them? It's so sad for you and also for your little GDs too.

Hi Yogagirl,
No, no one from my side of the family nor his fathers except for one single brother (his fathers second wife's child). When my son told me after they got together that he had agreed with DiL that her family would be a priority, I thought he was joking.
We had 6 years of contact before it was cut. I had to bite my tongue on many an occasion to keep peace with DiL.
Looking at other posts on Gransnet, at least I dont have to placate an angry or controlling DiL.

Hi Sparkly When my D & future s.i.l moved from living with me and GD, It was quickly made clear that his family came, first. My niceD and I just accepted it, not knowing what was to come!!

We have all been cut out for 3.5yrs now, they live just 5mins down the road, yet I never see them or hear anything about them, as no one in our family have contact. All down to jealousy from nasty s.i.l & his mother, my estD just can't be happy, we were so close before and my darling little GD and I had such a special and loving bond.

I was very good to them as a family, and knew my place, but he wanted us all gone. He also didn't like all the love and attention we gave to my little GD, even though we were just the same with his Son, my GS.

How did you get cut out and what was the reason? Or are you like must cut out mothers, no reason at all!

My ED and I have not spoke now for over 2 years and I don't see it changing any time soon. I was talking to a Macmillan nurse recently and she asked me if I would make contact and I told her that, due to what I am going through at the moment, with my dad dying and me having tests, stress with my DS and other health issues, then no, I couldn't make contact with her. She drains me of so much energy and I have none to give just now. Maybe these offspring need to think twice before pulling the plug on their parents, they never know if they will be strong enough to make it back up. Or even want to. Even when we were talking she didn't care about me, just after what she could get out of me, so I am better off without her in my life.

Rubylady I know exactly how you feel and 100% agree with you.

So sorry Ruby so very sad, hope your dad is ok

Oh dear! So any sad stories. Why is there a generation of young women who are so desperate for control? Yes of course I know its not all of them but I hear so many stories of children being used as weapons against ex partners and grandparents. I have had (and am still having) this experience though currently I am the only person on our side of the family who is allowed to go near my ex DiL's house to pick up my DGC whenever my DS sees them. I have to say I am 'used' by her with continual texts out of the blue to take them or pick them up from school, look after them when they are ill etc etc. I go to all their school functions (with DS when he can)as she doesn't bother. Naturally I will do as she asks for the sake of the children. My tongue has permanent teeth marks from biting!!

I am very much afraid we are going to have a generation of mentally damaged children as a result of such behaviour.

Good luck to all GPs out there who are suffering. I'm afraid we all just have to hang on in there no matter how hard it is.

Yogagirl I'm sorry to mention it really but my dad died in March. So I do hope he is ok, wherever he is now, looking down on me and looking out for me, I hope.

Ruby so sorry about your dear dad, I'm sure he is looking down on you and helping you along your life's path.

Grandma22 you are so right, so many grandparents cut out of the lives of their beloved GC. Without a doubt this will effect the GC negatively. I remember when I was first cut out, about a week into it, I just couldn't help myself calling their home no. early in the morning, as I knew my little GD would pick-up. Normally she would say "hello nannie, I love you" but this time, after I heard her sweet little voice say hello, there was silence! I could just feel her looking up at someone, I said "hello L** It's nannie, I love you"^ and the phone was put down, I called back, as I thought maybe she had accidentally cut us off, my D answered and then again the phone was put down! So what had they said to my precious GD [?] My GD loved and adored me, as much as I loved and adored her. Now that very special relationship between grandmother & granddaughter is destroyed, can never go back to how it should/would have been, after 3.5yrs of not seeing one another

Why I understand that there are spiteful DIL s out there, there are also spiteful parents and in laws. Not everything is always as black and white.

Whenever I see Grandparents blaming DILs , not really their sons, I always feel a pang in my chest and feel a need to defend myself? I know that might sound silly.

I am the nasty DIL who stopped my MIL being in her Grandchildrens life if you hear it from my MIL.
But I'm not, I'm actually really nice. It's down to her that it went sour.
She was really selfish, always has been, that didn't change when she become a grandparent. She treated me as the thing that birthed her Grandchildren. She wasn't nice to me or about it, told lies and spread rumours amongst other things.

It got alot worse and I had to see a councillor. With people like her, you do start thinking 'is it me?' 'Is this normal?' Something is telling you that it isn't OK but you can't help but go along and bite your tounge. So seeing a professional makes you see things clearer.

It got worse. It got so much worse. My husband hit the roof and it's been 3 years since we saw her. She missed our wedding, Birthdays and many Christmases because my husband didn't want her involved. But she's telling everyone it's me!

My point is, there are 'challenging' people out there. Not just women but men too. Being a MIL or DIL doesn't automatically make you selfish. The People have always been that way, throw children into the mix and then the crazy comes racing to the surface.

Nana Bridget, I agree, especially with one of my sons. They only live in the next village but I don't see them unless I go to them.
My husband still works so doesn't get to see our GS from month to month. Obviously GS is gorgeous, DIL has had so much patience with him but we never get to have GS unless his Mum comes as well, I wonder what she thinks we will do to him?
Great grandparents are about as well but so disappointed not to be involved! I can get along with DIL but again and again people comment she is a bit "strange"!
My issue is really with my son, he could visit for 1/2 hour but doesn't even do that. I know they are busy, who isn't?
It's come to a head now (for reasons I don't want to mention, too upsetting). Can't believe my son has done this, I wonder how he became like this? It's not how I brought him up!
I keep thinking he needs to "grow a pair", but then, it's his life! Then I think, how would I manage without seeing my gorgeous GS?
Sorry I'm not making sense..........distressed!

Freda13 Sometimes there are no words that can help. I feel your pain and sympathise.