Grandchild not allowed to visit my home

A smoker breathes out the toxic products of smoking long after they finish their cigarette so everyone in the room or car breathes that in. Unless your husband practically lives outdoors, as a regular smoker he is polluting your home as soon as he comes in from his cigarette break. scarlet1 is this baby your first and only grandchild? I'm sorry to say you will need to take precautions for your own health because of your compromised immune system. Children are generally heaving with germs ?

My children wasn't allowed to go to my MILs due to smoking.

My midwife and HV put the fear of God into us about 2nd and 3rd hand smoke. She advised us that when my MIL held our baby she had to change her top and wash her hands. Have some gum, and wait up to 30 mins (or 1 hour, can't remember now) and it wasn't a good idea for her to be in a room where smoke is/has been as the smoke literally sticks to everything.
The midwives ask and quizzes pregnant moms on smoking, who smokes in the family, how often to you see them etc and give leaflets. 2nd and 3rd hand smoke is dangerous and people don't realise it.

She had abit of a wobble but started to come to our house weekly (if she didn't cancel)
She was (I think) just happy to see the children. It didn't matter where. We went out places too. We would never ask her to quit smoking as it's her choice, in return she couldn't ask us to take the children to her house which is our choice.

Hi I can see that this has divided opinion, and I am sorry for that. I was a medical researcher before I retired and I have looked for Empirical evidence. They refer to chemicals over time. Whilst I searching I have found that open fire houses, painted rooms, old properties. environmental pollutants from being in a car or opening a window or using plastic and having a kitchenette dinner all increase the and BQ al increase the risk. The NHS have given some guidance on there website, the article is not based on opinion not physical evidence.
I take on board that my Husband would be better quitting altogether, however he is a hard working man who never smokes in the presence of others, he does not drink he pays his bills and has provided us with a beautiful home. I will not be forced into badgering him into changing. to be fair I have asked people to Be honest about my home and my daughter who is a medical professional and she allows her daughters to visit, she stated that as we don't even have ashtrays in the house on view and her children have never seen the granddad smoke are unaware he does.
My compromised immune system is a result of injury to my stomach and not due to smoking and as I have osteoporosis, I have been advised that laminate flooring is a slip hazard that should be avoided.
My husband feels that we are in a no win situation, we have been given the gift of Shame as what do we say to him when he older, sorry you can not come to our home because it is a health risk, whilst he stays with other relatives. who may or may not have had someone the past who has smoked in the house or bought furniture from a smoker.

Hi Scarlet1, I so sympathise. All I can say is, stick it out, and take some of the good advice here. It works. Or it did in our case.

Some years ago now, after the birth of DGS2 our DS2 said our home wasn't 'child friendly' so they wouldn't be visiting anytime soon. Nothing to do with smoking (no one in our house smokes), and no further reason was forthcoming. OH and I assumed it must be something the DiL had remarked upon. (In fact she is a lovely woman, though I think they may have had problems gelling in their relationship early on).

Like you, we were heartbroken. Luckily we still had contact and used to meet on neutral ground periodically. Over time, the relationship has improved and they do now come to our house.

We can never know what goes on between our offspring and their spouses. Best to keep things on a very steady keel, so they can work it out and come to their senses. Oftentimes, they do

Scarlett I think your son has a very valid point and is doing the very best he can for his child. Your husband may be a hard working man but where health is concerned that counts for absolutely nothing. I would hope that he would be caring and considerate enough not to need badgering to give up smoking.
As jing says after reading that link my blood also ran cold. It explains so much. My father smoked until he had a heart attack at 47 when he stopped and it was the rest of the family who all started to feel so much better. I stopped suffering from bronchitis all winter long but I have never regained the health that I should have had.

Hi Scarlet
We are in the same situation with our grandson, firstly the excuse was smoking but when we stopped the excuse was our dogs. You may never find the truth behind the denial of visits and yes it really hurts emotionally to hear that our daughter in law visits everyone else except us... But I make the most of the time we do see our grandson and now when he asks why he can't come to our house, I tell him to ask mummy...they have dictated this so they can explain to him. I am still very angry at my son for lying to us as I spent a week cleaning and repainting after we gave up smoking and still (I felt) we were not good enough... Made worse by the fact they lived with us until 4 months before he was born! You have to put aside your emotions while you are with him, but let them tell him why he is not allowed at your house...DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO LET YOU MAKE THE EXCUSE. You will only be pandering to their poor decision

It's a shame some feel this post is a valid excuse to extol the virtues of giving up smoking...and how much of a diffwrence it made etc etc blah blah...we ALL know the difference it can make.. I think we're all grown ups here, please try to stick to giving advice and not your life stories on smoking

Working on the presumption that 'third-hand smoke' is harmful to children - what happens if they're taken out where the general populace hangs out? Do they get taken to supermarkets where the people in front and behind might well be smokers and therefore carrying the remnants of their smoking habit about their person?

Whatever happend to common sense?

A lot of us older folk were bought up in smoking households because the dangers of second-hand smoke wasn't known (even the danger of smoking in itself was considered a healthy thing for iffy lungs!)

Yes, now that we are all aware of the dangers of smoking/smoking around children then we should ensure children aren't subjected to those dangers but as for the 'paranoia' regarding third-hand smoke, I think that's going too far.

This is what NHS says about third-hand smoke:
"While it is plausible but unproven that smoke residue could damage health, the dangers of smoking and second-hand smoke are well established. Based on these known dangers alone, it seems sensible for smokers to consider the health of others and smoke away from other people, such as outside or in a specially designated room. These types of steps are especially important in households with children and babies."

I have every sympathy with your son and daughter in law I'm afraid. I made my now husband give up smoking as a condition of our marrying /my moving in .I hate the smell and even 35 years ago the health risks were well known
He did continue to have to od sneaky cigarette but I always knew and he has never smoked in the house or in front of our children
Isn't it a good incentive to stop?He could put the money saved into a fund for the DG

Oh dear i have to add a comment. My neighbour used to smoke so when he got ill i visited and when i came out i could smell my clothes and hair. Horrible. Whilst there i would try to breathe through my mouth to avoid the bitter, sour smell. Smokers cannot smell it themselves. Personally i also find air fresheners and stuff like febreeze very intrusive smells.
I really feel for you in your sadness. Would vaping be a possibility??

Scarlet you say you will not be forced into badgering him to stop smoking because he is such a lovely man, but, surely, if you encouraged him to stop smoking you would be doing a good thing for him. You would be enhancing his chances of a long and healthy life. I would almost say it is your duty as a loving wife to do this.

clairwills I see no reason why we shouldn't extol the virtues of giving up smoking. It is the obvious answer to the original poster's problem.

I cant understand how a son could treat his parents like that I would have thought he would invite them to his home and yes it must hurt I havent seen 4 of my greatgrand children since they were born and only see one of my daughter maybe every 2 years my son once a year and why I remarried four years after their father died children can be so hurtful I am so sorry for you scarlet1 but lets hope he will change his mind and I wish you all the luck in the world that things turn out well.

I think, from the original post, Scarlet is not denied access to her grandchild. She visits her family at their house.

scarlet nag your DH into the ground to stop smoking. Be sensible.

Crikey ! My kids would never have seen my Mum if I had enforced this rule !

I don't smoke, never have , neither has my DH. I appreciate that parents have to do what's best but this whole third hand smoke thing? Really? Are children not exposed everyday then to things touched by people who smoke?

I'm sure this will be an unpopular post but I would file this right up there with wiping everything down with disinfectant and keeping children and their environment super clean ... I believe that's when children fall prey to allergies etc because they have not had enough exposure in their life to create the necessary antibodies.

I agree and support the general no smoking in an environment with children but if the man smokes in his garden exactly what percentage of risk is there from his clothes or furniture? Life is a game of checks and balances and stopping my children seeing their grandparents vs catching something from my mums sweater....?? No contest.

I guess we have to see this from a doting young father's point of view.

Absolutely Jings his child , his rules.

Common sense or compromise though?

Why should you have to ask your husband to stop smoking? And why should cleaning your house be a problem? I like the smell of bleach and disinfectant it's a clean smell and gets rid of germs. I think there's another reason for your grandson not being allowed to visit you and the smoking is probably just an excuse.

You must feel frustrated and disappointed . . . I know that I treasure having my granddaughter visit and stay over at our home!

These types of issues seem to be quite common and come up in the Older Yet Wiser Workshops we hold in Leeds for grandparents with caring responsibilities.

Anyone who wants to have a look at joining in - we have a few free spaces left on the workshops beginning next week in Middleton, Leeds!

Hope you can find a solution that works for everyone - Judith
www.childsside.com

Scarlett1 it is very hard not being able to see your grandson in your own home, but I'm inclined to agree with those who have pointed out the dangers of small children being subjected to the toxic chemicals left by smokers.

Ex SIL left DD3 when she was pregnant but after their son was born insisted on frequently taking him (newborn) to his mother's house where his father and brother smoked.....heavily. DD asked him not to do this for obvious reasons but he went ahead anyway. When DGS returned, instead of that lovely new baby smell he stank of cigarette smoke. It began to alienate DD from the baby, as well as her breast feeding being disrupted (ex SIL's mother insisted on giving him formula). He and his brother's hair and clothing still smell of cigarette smoke after every visit.

DD's concern was brushed off as her being too fussy, but for 2 or 3 years the little boy had the most horrendous chest infections causing him to be admitted to hospital on one occasion when he stopped breathing.

While I sympathise with your sadness, I really do think that you and your DH need to respect your son's concern for the baby's welfare, and make other arrangement to see the little one

Clairwills I think any and every forum presents a great opportunity to extol the virtues of giving up smoking. I'm pleased to see the majority suggesting this as a solution which could only be good for everyone concerned. We're talking about first, second and third hand smoking. This isn't good for anyone involved.
As for the wasted time spent cleaning to excess.....

I hope most of you realise you are talking to an adult?Most of the advice sounds like bossiness to me.Like this post.
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jinglbellsfrocks Tue 10-May-16 14:02:33

scarlet nag your DH into the ground to stop smoking. Be sensible

.Do you happen to drive a car by any chance.?I thought cars were polluters too.As are many others things.Would you choose to give your car up?

Yes. I am a smoker.I am not a mass murderer.I don't tell other people how to live their lifes.No one should do that.There is a sense of superiority among non smokers a smugness that is really unpleasant.But each to their own.

Scarlett I feel your pain.The exact same thing happened to me.I have lost my granddaughter through this issue.They allowed us to visit them so long as we showered (as if we wouldn't) wore clean clothes and didn't smoke for an hour before we went.We did everything they asked of us(including not smoking at home) and it still ended in sadness.
I honestly believe the smoking was an excuse to exclude us from their lives.None of our friends smoke but they don't exclude me from their grandchildren.I have a big heart and love children.You would think all the love we would give our grandchildren would count for something.
I think you will be excluded too.Sorry sorry I hope I am wrong.Carry on seeing your grandson for as long as you can.Good luck I hope it all turns right for you
flowers.

Perhaps your husband could agree to only smoke outside, in the garden?
BTW, is he the grandfather or not? If he can see it's tearring you apart- isn't he prepared to try and find a way.

Whilst I searching I have found that open fire houses, painted rooms, old properties. environmental pollutants from being in a car or opening a window or using plastic and having a kitchenette dinner all increase the and BQ al increase the risk.
I will agree and would include new suites, new carpets, a leather suite may have been packed with anti-mould sachets for transportation; chemicals from all the cleaning products - the list goes on. If the DH was smoking around the child I would be worried; however, I would be encouraging him to quit (not nagging!) for his own sake and yours.
N&G Someone I know who used to smoke was advised by the HV to keep an old coat in the porch to put on if he went outside for a cigarette to absorb most of the smoke and smell. He has stopped now thank goodness!