Grandchild not allowed to visit my home

We can debate the rights and wrongs,discuss if the science behind the idea is solid or doubtful and any other points as long as we like, the fact is scarlet1's son believes that third hand smoking is harmful to his child, and will not expose his child to it. We all protect our children as best we can.

Simple...tell your husband to stop smoking! If he wants his grandson to visit he will do it...if he won't quit... Well the choice is his and his alone!

starstella no. I don't drive a car. I ride a bike.

and you need square brackets to add flowers.

I agree with what morethan2 says.

Theoddbird- it is his choice- but scarlet1 has to suffer the consequences- and here lies the problem. I would be very angry if a decision by my DH stopped me seeing my grandchildren I have to say.

And tbh- I just couldn't share my house with a smoker who smokes in the house. Garden or the shed- that's it!

It is interesting to see how many people think it is okay to tell others what they should do. Personally I am thin and don't drink. Would it be okay to say, Alcohol is so toxic and dangerous, or may sip some if they kiss you or spill it on just in case they may drink and I would never let my child near people who drink. Don't you think you should stop eating fat as my children not think okay to be overweight and I can't come to your home because you deep fry, we can come if you clean your oven as it may smoke.

I thought your OP was a request for advice!

gj the OP hasn't been stopped from seeing her grandson.
jingl The OP wasn't a request for advice. It was a general moan

... well in her own home. If it tears her apart ... then...

Would it be fair to make a request that people make it clear if they just want to rant a bit, and not get feed back then ;)

You can't scrub your DH. Smokers smell. They just exude smoke no matter how much they may think they don't. Visit you GCs on your own. It'll be a nice break from all that cleaning!

It's 1 thing saying alcohol is bad for your health but children don't drink it, nor is there 100s of chemicals coming from its smoke.
Fatty foods are bad for you, but everything in moderation.
Fatty foods don't leave 70% of cancer causing chemicals on clothes/fabric.
Smoke does, 2nd and 3rd hand.

'It is interesting to see how many people think it is okay to tell others what they should do.'
That should apply to your husband and your son.

Smoking is played up ALOT by medical staff especially when pregnant and babies are involved, midwife app and health visitors. It's written in your medical notes etc. It's their first child so they have took everything what the midwife has advised.

What your son has said is normal procedure and normal advice the midwife has said, I can vouch for this as my daughter is 2 and had exactly the same. He isn't being awkward or looking for excuses it's what he's been advised.

I was abit at what was being asked and said i didnt know if my MIL would do that and she said 'then tell her she cant hold the baby' in front of my husband!
She said that your priority is the baby and their health, everyone should be on the same page regarding that.

It is and I am sorry, its just that a lot of people have been very judgmental and don't understand it won't matter if we quit our home furnishings have been exposed in the past. I can't see a way forward and I can't express how unfair this feels. I don't judge people on what they may have done and I am not sure what is right or an imposition.

Well then ja, I took it totally he wrong way. Scrap everything I said.

the not he

I can understand how unfair it must feel. It probably is totally unfair. But young dads these days do seem to have very fixed ideas.

I don't know what else to advise.

I don't think anyone has been judgemental, Scarlet.
If you post a dilemma you must expect comments.
There is that thing of accepting things that you can't change and you've been given sensible advice, ie to accept what your son says and see your grandson at places other than your own house.
It's not actually about the smoking, it's about recognising that your son is now a father and respecting the decisions he makes about his own child.

Sorry jingl. We could do with a tongue -in-cheek emoticon.

My son won't bring his children to my house as HE's scared of our dog! No problem - I can go to his house & stay (it's a 1/2 days travel away) and I go to my daughter's when they come to the island and stay with her. I dint think it affects my relationship with my gc at all. Why worry?

Oh! Sorry ja.

Thank you every one.

Stop the cleaning !!! get together with your husband and plan good times together. You are luckier than some people who don't see their GC at all or rarely due to circumstances. Put it behind you and let them have their rules, it is their choice. How do they protect the child from all the other harmfull elements out there. Danger from touching / sitting /smelling / contact with strangers etc. I agree that your excessive cleaning should be concerning you more.

A son's a son till he takes a wife.

I certainly wouldn't want to spend that much time cleaning. Especially cleaning books (it would be like the Forth Road Bridge in this house, which feels like it when cleaning at the best of times anyway).

scarlet nag your DH into the ground to stop smoking well, I would too, and I would be marching him off to the GP for his own health.

I do feel sympathy, scarlet because, from your OP, you seem to be piggy-in-the-middle between two stubborn males.
Visit you GCs on your own that is a very good suggestion from Jane10 - is it so important to have them come to you?
and yes, recognising that your son and wife will have their own ideas about how to bring up their child.

I think your son is a going over the top with this. Obviously smoking is a danger but we must all be exposed to third hand smoke everywhere we go. But it's his decision so it looks as if you'll have to live with it.

Having lived with my chainsmoking father for thirty years I think trying to talk someone into stopping is a non starter. During the four months he spent in hospital before he died from several smoking related conditions his only thought was when could he get home and have a cigarette!