Grandchild not allowed to visit my home

I agree Deedaa it does seem over the top.

My mother was the same. On her last visit to hospital she sat on the hospital bed, in the ward and lit up! Next to the oxygen! Stupid woman. She has been a smoker from being 13, 63 years, and an alcoholic most of her life. She is poorly but still going. My dad, non smoker, non drinker, looked after himself, went to the gym etc, died 6 weeks ago, same age as my mother. It doesn't make sense. Now I believe that if you are going to get something, you are going to get it no matter what.

I know we all want to protect our children but what does this couple do when they go out and there are car fumes about? Prams these days are a lot lower than the coach built I had for mine and so they are closer to the floor and to exhaust fumes. Have they considered that, because they are very dangerous and even more so to tiny lungs.

Hi I have decided to speak to my son and tell him that Anything he decided is best for his son is not under question. However I think he owes it to me to be honest and give me guide lines rather than drop it in to a conversation when I am visiting.
I need to know stuff like if I bake a gluten free loaf or cakes at home will it be okay or will they binned
What about gifts etc would they prefer if they weren't in my house as I can have them delivered. And I think to say maybe in the future it might be okay is don't say it if things are to be reviewed give a time frame even if it is 5yrs.
I would have liked to had this as a conversation so I knew what to expect and ask question, rather than hints.

This must be very hurtful. You are hearing that your home, which is scrupulously clean, is not "good enough" for your son, even though it has been perfectly acceptable to him in the past.

I personally think that the "third hand smoke" issue is something of a red herring. And using his child's welfare as a reason not to visit is, imho, an easy excuse, and a lazy one. Of course everyone wants their child's interests to take priority, and the third hand smoke argument is an easy one to trot out (even if there is no PROVEN danger).

He owes you an explanation, yes, simply out of respect for you.

If a satisfactory answer is not forthcoming, then it's up to you to decide how best to move forward, and what compromises, if any, you are willing to make. But he has to meet you halfway. At the moment he has the penny and the bun, and he's holding you to ransom.

Good luck .

There are worse things in life than smoking - domestic abuse, murder, bigotry are just a few that spring to mind. Probably the only thing to do is to accept the conditions and hope that it eases off as everyone realise that the world is a dangerous place and that the bus driver may have a cigarette, a teacher or even (just check the smoking shelter at your local hospital) doctors and nurses.

Scarlet this is just awful for you . The world has gone mad with the overkill on smoking (I am a non smoker btw) . If your hubby smokes outside then that is enough . It all seems like an excuse to me but do as others have said and see him at their house while you still can . Have a quiet word with your son to try to find out the real reason for his behaviour towards the people who brought him up !

I don't think any explanation is required. Desired, no doubt, but not required. It could be a 'polite' way of your son avoiding having a rant at you and your partner about lots of other irritating things that he doesn't want his child exposed to.

I think you should just accept what he has said and continue to see your grandchild at places other than your house. After all, it's seeing the grandchild that's the important bit, not where this takes place.

You will do what you like, of course. I'm only expressing an opinion.

I think that this is only a problem if you make it one. Your son is not stopping you from seeing your grandson only from him coming to your home and that is his choice. I only see my grandson at his home because I have a large dog and it is more convenient for all concerned if I visit them. My grandson is 20 months old and we are developing a lovely relationship which is not in any way hampered by where I see him. My dil parents however receive visits at their home because it is a bungalow and they are unable to manage the stairs at my sons home. I am not in any way envious of his visits to other peoples houses. I believe that I am only a small part of his social network and feel that he needs lots of people in his life that love and care for him.

I hope you can reach some resolution to your feelings on this issue.

I feel for you Scarlet (and all those here in the same situation). (((Hugs)))

But with new and conflicting information coming out about smoking all the time, I'm afraid I can't blame parents for erring (if that's what it is) on the side of caution. True, they can't control all the places where their kids might pick up "third hand smoke." But that might be why they are all the more cautious about those places they know about and can keep their kids' away from. Sad when this impacts GPs, but can't be helped, I guess.

I understand your not wanting to "badger" DH. Has he tried to quit though? Given your compromised immune system, I'd think he would. Or at least confine his smoking to the outdoors.

Anyhow, sure, some of us grew up with smokers and weren't hurt by it. But many developed asthma and other health conditions due to their parents' smoking, we just didn't know it. And sure, some parents let their kids visit the homes of relatives who smoke. But obviously, that doesn't mean other parents "should" or "have to."

Star, it does sound as if your DS and DIL were making excuses ( unless there were other issues that you didn't realize in addition to the smoking). But that doesn't mean Scarlet's are.

Scarlet, it will take time, but I think you need to learn to accept this disappointment and just enjoy the visits you have with DS and family elsewhere. Best to you!

I prefer going to theirs. Less work for me.

Jings has a point, IMO!

But having read more of this conversation, Scarlet, I sense that you are more than hurt by DS' and DIL's decision - you are angry. I get that you're irritated b/c you feel some of us are trying to tell you and DH what to do, but you also seem to be incensed by the very idea of third hand smoke (am I wrong)?

The questions in your mind (about gifts and such) are very understandable (though I don't know why you "can't" have them sent/delivered. But I don't think you should discuss this any further with DD until you've had time to cool down. If you come across as challenging their parental decision, now that could lead to an estrangement, brief or longer. Please be careful about this.

(just check the smoking shelter at your local hospital)
I did do that Morghew after reading this thread because I remember being appalled by the patients, obviously ill, who were standing outside the entrance, sometimes in the rain, smoking.
However, smoking has been banned anywhere in the grounds of the hospitals for quite some time now.

I think third hand smoke is a red herring too, although I wouldn't want my DGC to be near 2nd hand smoke.
Do they put a gas mask on him when he goes out in the street - children are so much nearer the pollution from vehicles being that much smaller, especially in push chairs.

jalima this paragraph from the article that trisher posted explains why babies and small children are particularly susceptible to third-hand smoke:
"Children ingest twice the amount of dust that grown-ups do. Let's say a grown-up weighs 150 pounds [68 kilograms]. Let's say a baby weighs 15 pounds [seven kilograms]. The infant ingests twice the dust [due to faster respiration and proximity to dusty surfaces]. Effectively, they'll get 20 times the exposure."

The article also says that toxins from cigarette smoke are far more dangerous than other atmospheric pollution.

My DD has just informed me that they will be descending on me on Sunday. Why did my heart momentarily sink? I know I will enjoy it.

#lazycowgrandma

appygran spot on post here!

janea point taken, and I have also read another article about it now, which confirms my view that this husband and grandfather should be persuaded to stop.

I wonder if tobacco were to be discovered today it would be classified as a drug rather than regarded as a source of government revenue?
It always amazes me that some states of Australia banned farmers from growing tobacco yet it is still imported, sold and taxes paid to the government. Double standards.

Hi Thank you for the advice everyone, I have spoken to my son and told him and It is not the request that is the problem As lord knows The hoops that I have jumped through to have an amazing relationship with my 11yr old GD, after my son an DIL split up.
Its the way it was that I had built expectations based on recent conversations and bought things in prep. He does not have to say sorry for any request no matter what I think, or Justify making it. What he needs to do is be honest as to about telling people as some of our family do not have child friendly homes ie big dogs, a maiden ant who is the stereotypical mad cat lady, and we love them all. and he just makes excuses rather than tell the truth. Which is causing them pain as they think they have done something wrong or have offended my DIL.
Honesty from the beginning rather than hints is much better as it felt like he had changed the rules part way through the game and that is why I was so upset.
If he told me he was concerned about the risk of anything and I was to trivialize it and something did happen, he would not know if not following his instincts was the cause. I have told his this before. I have reinforced this to him and he has understood.
I actually think as a number of you have suggested is providing info in a gentle way and adding I am not sure this article is correct, but I didn't want to take risks as it really difficult to know what is the right thing to do.

Well I can tell all the non and ex smokers here... Forcing someone to stop something they do...even if it's damaging to their health.. What ever happened to personal choice? The chap doesn't drink, doesn't go to social clubs etc and you want to take the one vice he has away!! Possibly cause a rift in their relationship as scarlet1 said she wasn't about to badger him into stopping...so you then used duty as a wife...who is badgering this poor woman?? Just so you can all feel good about YOUR advice and ignore her question?! This is why I don't come on here very often... The advice is always so typical...don't smoke, don't drink .... if you do you're a bad person!!!

Good for you scarlet1 - gentle conversation first with honest outcomes! I'm glad you did talk with him as otherwise you spend your time over thinking and getting tied up into knots... It a shame your post was hijacked into anti smoking / duty as a wife to stop him smoking / smokers are bad and stink... When in fact you just wanted to know if others had had a similar experience and what they did about it.. I truly hope it is resolved now

Persuading someone is not forcing them clairwills
No-one said that people who smoke or drink are bad people

Posters were just trying to find a way to help scarlet to be able to see her DGC in her own house, which is what she wanted to be able to do because she said it tears her apart to think he will never be allowed in my home.

Clairewills I am total behind you on this. It can feel like a bit of witch hunt on smokers. We are in a very similar situation and it's hard. Was OK whilst pregnant up until DGD was born then the rules began. It can from experience create a horrible stale mate between families. We do respect their decision totally. They have to respect ours. We choose to give up when we are good and ready too.
It's not been as issue with our two other GC parents and we have a VERY special relationship with them. Feel sad though that we Won't HAVE the same closeness with our third GC.
We always smoke outside and wash our hands etc. following all available guidelines for our GC's safety.

48Louizalass ??

This thread is 4 years old Debs I m sure half the posters have left Why resurrect it ?

This is a 4 year old thread but since it has been revived I'd like to put in my 2 cents... The OP and her OH have gone to great lengths to keep the home clean and to not smoke in the presence of others. However, even though I don't know if there is the possibility of harm from residual traces, I can understand the son's concern, even if it may not ultimately be warranted.

From personal experience, I do know that second hand smoke does have detrimental effects on those around it. My mom smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day for years and died of emphysema and lung cancer. As a child and teen, I developed allergies, asthma, and what mom used to call "chest colds". I have never smoked a day in my life, but currently use an inhaler daily and am diagnosed with COPD. My doctor believes this is very likely due to my exposure to the second hand smoke.

New parents can be super vigilant and overprotective too. Young babies should never be in a car seat for more than an hour as their lungs are compressed - yet nobody seems to worry about that.

I used to smoke and when I gave up I became very (fiercely) anti-smoking. I badgered my workplace to have smoke-free zones around the entrances as I didn't want to walk through it. I pestered people to give up, saying if I could do it, anyone could.

Ten years later, having started again, I reversed my opinions!