DIL advice

Testing

9 year old thread.?

October 2016.

Hi all
We are in quite a storm. We are the in-laws and have grandkids abroad. Every time we visit its awful to some degree or another. They live rurally otherwise I suppose we would rent an apartment. Wouldn't see as much of them if we did that though and seeing them is the whole point of our visit not to see the country they are in!
Tbh our problems with DIL began way before they got married. We find her to be rude and socially awkward. We are very gagarious people but she has had a very sheltered life and isnt very rounded. She is anti IT so doesnt interact very often via it. She homeschools and has never really had a career. However, had she been encouraged she could have been a lawyer or a headmistress or something like that because she seems to be very clever. We find her to be very controlling and inflexible. We feel as if we are staying in a bootcamp when we visit and its like walking on eggshells. She always reduces me to tears. I am a very warm, affectionate and caring person. For me it is natural to hug my GC, to recognise if they are hungry or cold and to respond. She accuses me of undermining their parenting. Tbh I had such a wonderful relationship with my 4 grandparents that I am just doing what I remember them doing to me so I am absolutely hearbroken that she cant relax about it. When one of them was 4 months old and we had returned home I was accused of making her needy because I had held her so much. Grief! surely a 4 month old is needy! They have all been bottlefed unlike my kids ( or should I say left on the floor to feed themselves from a very young age often in a draught and in just a nappy! ) whilst she makes a casserole or something. So to me it seemed natural to feed them in my arms because thats how you bond (& we only see them for 2 weeks a year!) We have observed them crying often when food has been limited because she thinks they have had enough or food is refused. It breaks my heart. My kids only ever got to the stage of not wanting anymore not crying because they weren't allowed anymore! Mealtimes are so stressful so we have often stayed in bed to avoid breakfast. Trouble with that though is that she thinks we are being rude for not appearing for breakfast at 7am! We are usually jetlagged so glad of a lie in plus as retirees we arent used to such an early breakfast! She is not an affectionate maternal kind of person. We often think she didnt really want babies - she wanted a classroom! In a nutshell we believe the children, our son and we are all victims of coercive control. Our son is being turned against us, his siblings and indeed his upbringing. He had a very expensive education and has a fantatic well paid job which she is benefitting from! yet he is now dismissive and derogatory of it which we find to be so disrespectful and hurtful.
Also in this day and age of whatsap we text to stay in touch. Without any agenda we will either text her or him or them as a couple. She sometimes takes days to respond to a question so sometimes we just text him instead as hes much more responsive. We also had a family group with his siblings and partners but she left that. Now they have both left it. She isnt a good communicator in that kind of a way. We are trying to have a relationship with them individually and as a unit but she now is accusing us of trying to undermine their marriage by sending them separate messages! Why can't we talk individually to our son and why on earth is he taken in by her objections. We ask stuff about whats going on with them which we think is normal in families and cant understand her secretiveness. She doesnt even like us to tell them news from the extended family but insistes that only those whose news it is should share it. Thats never been how our family has operated even down the generations! We call a spade a spade and are open and honest.
We think the fact that our son may have at some point questioned some of the things we have said or done which is the opposite to her way of thinking must also have led her to think that we are undermining their marriage because all of a sudden she is being challenged to some degree? I can only think of things relating to childcare like addressing the babies warmth or something like that as we are hardly even there!
We are emotionally exhausted and heartbroken by their behaviour. We feel unable to visit them again. We love and miss our GC and they love and miss us.
They are sending very hurtful emails and dismissing everything in our replies accepting no blame whatsoever. We have apologised for some things but stressed nothing has been intentional but they dismiss that too. We feel unable to reply to anymore as its making no difference. We are at a loss how to proceed with thousands of miles between us.
In a nutshell its the coersive control thats the problem. She doesnt like to be challenged. If the kids were at school it would probably be picked up that their reading and speech are way behind where it should be for their ages. Also we are suspicious one of them may be a bit autistic so thats not going to be picked up either! Actually I dont think she could cope with any school teacher having an opinion about her childs education. She has to be in control! They have no conversation, no opinions of their own when asked and dont socialise very much. On zoom she supervises all conversations and tells them what to say! We have never had the chance to simply sit down and chat with them. She says "tell Nana that you love her" so you get a regimented I love you Nana. Its ridiculous and very concerning. We feel powerless and feel we are being undermined as grandparents not to mention in-laws! Her family all live nearby so we feel like the out-laws.
We want to love her and forgive and forget but it works both ways.

Blondiekins you have (accidentally I think) tagged onto an ancient thread.

If you start a new one of your own you can copy and paste your issue in under a new "title".

You will then get people answering YOU instead of the original poster.

Hope you can sort it!

I am pleased to see your dh is supporting you. It isn't you. Your dh could have married the queen of Sheba and she would have been the same. You could keep gently trying but it will only cause you heartache every time you reach out. There are no answers. I know how hurt you must feel for you and your little one. I do hope someone can make her see how pointless this all is.

I can only most strongly advise you NOT to sponsor her to move to Australia. You will bitterly regret it and then there will be no escape. Visits can be endured. And you and your family keep in control. Good luck.

So sad that you can't have the family life that you would have liked, but it really isn't your fault. It's a good thing that the sponsorship has been withdrawn, she would have put an intolerable weight on your family,
I found my MIL quite cold and she wasn't really capable of building a relationship with my children, though she got on well with her other GC (her DD's children) who lived close to her. I did manage never to have a disagreement with her, but it was tough.
My own DIL is great, I've known her since she was 16 (she's now 40) and she is a lovely woman, a wonderful wife and mother. We don't see them all the time as they don't live close by, work full-time and are currently renovating their home.
The relationship between DIL and MIL can be very difficult though, often they behave as though they are battling for their DH/DS's affections. I think that MILs have to remember that they always have to come after their son's wife in his affections - this is normal, though many don't like it.

Don’t sponsor her.

Im guessing a 'Bub' is a baby?

Swimwithfish you sound like a lovely DIL. Ignore it all, just carry on being lovely to her, and don't let her get you down.

I had a weird MIL, loved me as a girlfriend, didn't like me as a wife, loved me when I became a mum, never spoke to me again once we separated, and eventually had nothing to do with her grandkids. And she's never met her gorgeous darling great granddaughter. So my advice comes from what I wish I'd known back then - there's no pleasing some.

She sounds like a ghastly person, glad your husband is supportive. TF you live in another country.