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DD, DGC and new Boyfriend - possibly controlling BF

(44 Posts)
Sugarpufffairy Sat 30-Jul-16 23:57:42

My DD has a house and previously lived with her child's father but for a number of reasons there was a split up.
DD then took up with another man. He was never seen by family but we understood that he was coming to the house.
DD had female friends who had children of similar age and they all spent a lot of time together and with their children. They would babysit to cover for each other etc.
Since the new BF has moved in and has been introduced around things have changed. The female friends are no longer around. Therefore DGC no longer sees those little friends. DGC is now babysat by a relative of the new boyfriend.
DD seems to be even more short of money than she was previously and we al knew that the previous partner had addictions. This new BF seems to be awful fond of drink. I have seen opened bottles of drink lying around the house. He has sat around while DD and I tried to deal with the very over grown garden. He has done nothing useful to help with the house and garden. DGC gets shouted at for crumbs etc. in the car but the BF was "morning after the night before" and cucked up in the car. The new BF does not get shouted at for anything but DGC and I are constantly shouted at.
I am divorced but speak to ex. He has made various comments re the BF. They used to go there for dinner once a week but no longer go but spend that day with the BF relative. (Not his parents)
I used to do a lot of the babysitting but that has been stopped. I was on FB with DD and mysteriously got cut off from her. DD said she did not do it. This happened after the BF found that DD and I had joined something as joint partners.
Everyday very early in the afternoon DD charges off to collect the BF on his way home from work. This means that we cant do anything like go out for a drive or a day's shopping. I don't know if this is her choice or a demand from him. As an adult I would expect him to be able to travel home from work. There is no point in phoning texting or in any way contacting DD after early afternoon or all weekend as there is unlikely to be a reply. I know that DGC spends most of the afternoon and evening in their bedroom and without the computer stuff.
Previously DD was quite good at keeping in touch with her dad and me especially given that we live a fair distance apart.
I have not even been allowed to be alone with the DGC for several months despite having been the babysitter. We used to have such fun together, I have also noticed a very worrying change in DGC since the new BF came on the scene.
I am fed up with having such difficulty in communication with my DD and I am fed up with DGC and me being the butt of the shouting and bad tempers while the BF can do no wrong apparently. If I am feeling this upset since the changes the BF has caused I can only imagine what the DGC is going through in their child mind.
It breaks my heart more for the child than me. I wonder what DD had got herself into this time.
Any suggestions welcome.

Christinefrance Sun 31-Jul-16 11:24:24

Not sure of time scales with new boyfriend. If there is nothing concrete at present then you need to bite your tongue. It's so difficult when adult children get into relationships we are not happy with but they are adult and must make their own way. The grandchildren are a different matter but unless you think they are being ill treated do nothing. However I would not be happy to be shouted at by my children and you need to talk about this and perhaps curtail visits for a while. Relationship issues are a minefield so tread carefully. Good luck.

tanith Sun 31-Jul-16 11:29:09

When my grownup children have had a new person in their lives I've felt sidelined but its part of life I'm afraid maybe things will calm down as the relationship progresses. I wouldn't put up with being shouted at by my child so say something about it . I hope things improve as there really isn't much you can do other than accept your childs choice of partner and be there to pick up the pieces should it not work out.

harrigran Sun 31-Jul-16 11:37:16

My greatest concern is that you are not allowed to be alone with the GC, what are they trying to hide? are they afraid the GC will tell tales?

Sugarpufffairy Sun 31-Jul-16 13:40:32

Thanks Chirstine Tanith and Harrigran.
I am trying to keep my views to myself here as I can imagine that my words would be ridiculed.
I have in the last few days said that I am to busy to see DD and I am trying to mix with others more. I was isolated and only went out with DD. I realise it could look like jealousy and wanting my daughter to myself. I did not have this much bother with the previous partner. I have heard today that DD mobile cant work on some features so looks like service is being limited by the provider for non payment. No surprises there.
Harrigran - I am concerned too about not being allowed to be alone with the DGC. DGC has made me aware of certain knowledge that I do not think is appropriate for age. I did discuss this with DD but I was shouted at, the DGC was shouted at and I think I was lied to about what followed on from that. (I know that is a bit cryptic but too identifying). The new BF was coming into the house late at night and leaving early at this point. As an example we were at a place a short way from where the BF is picked up after work but I was not allowed to stay there with DGC while she collected the BF, we were all to go in her car which I try to avoid as her driving is too fast and scary.
I don't care much for myself, one day she will push me too far but the DGC has no-one else to turn to now.

Christinefrance Sun 31-Jul-16 16:14:29

Nobody will ridicule your views when you have such a difficult situation to deal with. I think you are right to make your own life and friends, sometimes we get so involved we can't see the wood for the trees.
Be aware that inappropriate knowledge can be a sign of abuse so again you are right to take this seriously.
Let your grandchild know you will support her/him and they can come to you. Hope things settle down and your concerns are unfounded.

phoenix Sun 31-Jul-16 16:59:56

I have read the OP twice, and must say that I really,really don't like the sound of this at allsad

However, I'm at a loss as to what you might do, SPF, sorry not to be able to help, but sending you every good wish.

Sugarpufffairy Sun 31-Jul-16 17:43:21

Thank you all for your time and advice here. The validation of my worries is important to me. DD tells me I am too keen to turn the whole world into single parents!

The timeline was that the new BF appears to have started about 6 months before the inappropriateness came to light and it is now over 6 months since the first incident. I am aware that this might be a sign of abuse and the fact that I have less contact now makes me wonder if the DD is aware that this behaviour will raise suspicions or even worse she knows there is something wrong going on.

Another incident happened outside a supermarket about 2 weeks ago. The child was taken a few yards away but the shouting was such that I could hear every word. While inside the shop there was another incident and again I heard what was said. Shop staff were looking at us because from the minute we went in there both DGC and I were shouted at.

DGC is just newly 6 and does not have a mobile or email. I had thought of a PAYG mobile but the fear of it being found and the child being in trouble at home or even school. There is a house phone but no phone connect so it would be no use to show DGC how to use a phone.

I am thinking of discussing this with EX but scared he will say something to her. He was supposed to be involved after the first incident of inappropriate actions. DD has done her best to keep EX and I apart since that time. We do talk and text when needed.

The more I think about all this the worse my suspicions get. I would like to move to retire but worry about DGC being here and me a distance away. I do not trust SW to deal with anything in the right way. Too many cases of innocent parents being hounded and kids in real bad situations being denied help.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me. Confirmation is helpful.

FarNorth Sun 31-Jul-16 18:04:53

Even if everything is OK, all that shouting can't be good. Has that only started since the BF has been on the scene?

Eloethan Sun 31-Jul-16 18:12:47

It doesn't sound right at all. I really don't have the knowledge to advise on this but perhaps there is someone on here who has experience in child protection or child psychology and who can give you an idea of the ways in which you could proceed with this worrying situation.

I wish you all the best and hope that things soon improve.

Iam64 Sun 31-Jul-16 18:44:03

You don't trust social workers because of 'too many cases of innocent parents being hounded and kids in real bad situations being denied help'. I'm not minimising your worries about your grandchild, or about social workers but the reality is that it's the unsuccessful sw stories that hit the press, not those that actually help children and their families. If you don't trust social workers, it used to be that you could phone the NSPCC but for years now, all that results in is a non professional answering the phone and filling out a referral form to the local authority social work team.
What about a discreet phone call to your granddaughter's school?

Iam64 Sun 31-Jul-16 18:51:51

I don't want to increase your anxiety but if you are genuinely concerned about what you call inappropriate knowledge and the level of shouting and isolating of your daughter and her little child is correct, all is not well, as you know.

phoenix Sun 31-Jul-16 18:59:09

Sorry, SPF, I may have missed something, what "inappropriateness"?

Jalima Sun 31-Jul-16 19:09:52

have also noticed a very worrying change in DGC since the new BF came on the scene.
I agree with phoenix Eloethan Iam64 - I would be very worried.

I can understand a new partner taking up a lot of your DD's time but her priority should be her small child and I am sure your DGC is your priority too; I can't understand why you are not allowed to babysit and a relative of the boyfriend (a newcomer to your DGC) has taken over.

I don't know what to suggest, except share your worries with your ex-DH and decide together what to do; other posters such as Iam64 may have some good advice.

Sugarpufffairy Sun 31-Jul-16 19:22:09

Phoenix - I have called the situation "inappropriateness" as I don't not wish to state it all exactly. Also it would be too identifying. I do not know how to put such things into words that are decent and would properly explain what happened. The DGC is just newly 6 and has knowledge of sexual matters which I believe are well beyond being age appropriate. I did not even know that stuff when I got married and I was not a virgin bride!

GP Nurse and surgery staff had seen the shouting and made comment to me. The surgery staff were subjected to demands at high pressure to prescribe some topical stuff for me. Nothing that you cant buy in the shops. I wanted to buy it. Daughter said get it free on prescription

DGC school have also had the shouting and said that she is very vocal! The NDN has talked about the shouting. What annoys me about the shouting is that it is only directed at me and DGC never the partners or even other adults.

I am attempting to regain my confidence but all this is pulling me down. It is said that we all have responsibility to watch out for kids but it is not easy.

I think I will contact the school when they go back and also in the mean time speak with EX who was also shouted at and he was furious and told her who do you think you are talking to. He is also retired and in poor health. I can see the pattern.

I wish all this was so much easier. I am also thinking about trying to record sight and sound on my phone.

The DGC is only 6 and should know no sexual stuff.

annsixty Sun 31-Jul-16 19:23:35

Do not let this carry on. You must do whatever you can to rectify the situation your GD is in. She is a small child and it is your duty to help her ( and your D).

Sugarpufffairy Sun 31-Jul-16 19:38:13

Ironically it is not DGD it is DGS.

Elegran Sun 31-Jul-16 19:39:43

Can you get advice anonymously from somewhere?

gettingonabit Sun 31-Jul-16 19:50:31

Oh gosh..what a situation. Awful. I think your suspicions are well-founded-definitely something not right.

I think it IS abuse, actually. Unless I've read something incorrectly. Your daughter has been isolated from friends and a support network. That's abuse. The dgc is being isolated, away from friends. You're being shouted at, your dd is being controlled. That's abuse.

At the very least, get along to your CAB who will signpost you to the appropriate sources of help.


annsixty Sun 31-Jul-16 20:05:03

Sorry I made an assumption, or misread.

Sugarpufffairy Sun 31-Jul-16 20:10:04

I have spoken anonymously to NSPCC all they can offer is a referral to local SW team but they have kept notes,

I spoke to women's aid I can do nothing until she sees it for herself. They also said that women put up with so much rubbish that families get sick of them and getting flack from the abuse

I have asked about refusing to take the child back and I could be charged with kidnapping.

I don't know what I can do at all. If I was selfish I would take myself out of this but I hate the thought of the child being alone with this. Ex just accepts that when he is needed he will be contacted other than that he will be left alone. I am not prepared to allow this BF's abuse to filter through to me. I am not prepared now to cancel any plans because DD and DGC are coming over. I am having treatment every week and that is a complaint too. She tries to interfere with appointments.

I think the best thing to do is speak to EX and see how he sees it and what he has to say. If we can agree or even nearly agree it would be more effective in speaking to DD

I am also going to contact the school

f77ms Sun 31-Jul-16 20:22:08

sugarpuffairy I think you know that you have to do something to protect this little GC , the CAB seems a good starting point. Is it possible that your Daughter has addiction problems ? it could explain the behaviour . We hear all the time of children who were hurt or worse by parents and step parents and that relatives and friends had suspicions before hand . Would it be possible to speak to your GP about the way this is affecting you as a way of getting your concerns into the open . I really feel for you x

f77ms Sun 31-Jul-16 20:23:22

Sorry posts crossed x

gettingonabit Sun 31-Jul-16 20:24:19

Good for you. I think you're doing the right thing, personally. Many wouldn't.

Very tough. flowers.

Jalima Sun 31-Jul-16 20:27:27

Is DGC's father able to help, does he see him at all?
Or does he still have addiction problems?