DD, DGC and new Boyfriend - possibly controlling BF

Sorry to hijack a bit but I was once party to a friend being attacked by her partner, and in front of her two young daughters 5 and 3yo.

I took her to Women's Aid; they offered to take her in. She refused. I don't know why. She eventually got an injunction forcing the partner to leave. But this was a year later. I don't believe the dds were at risk, but she was prepared to put up with the abuse. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really, but apparently sometimes abused women find it very hard to disentangle themselves from abusive relationships. Even if the kids are at risk of harm.

I don't have any contact with the Bio dad. I don't know where he is staying. He did have access but this kept on being reduced and has now stopped. He seemed to be doing a fair bit of the childcare when they were together. He appears to still have addiction issues. However as I write this I see that he is another person who has been removed from DGC. DD and DGC do not have the Biodad or any of his family more of the isolation as I have I realised while writing this. More worrying facts

I think we are all thinking the same thing here; this BF is isolating your grandchild and your daughter, keeping them away from friends and family. the shouting is disturbing enough, but stopping anyone apart from this mysterious BF family member looking after the child is alarming. Do you know any of your DD friends? could you ask, innocently, why they dont meet up anymore? Get together with your EX and put your heads together, you need to do something urgently for your grandchild and perhaps your daughter.

I agree GillT57

Does the child go to school? Perhaps you could have a quiet word with the head, stressing the need for complete confidentiality. also as GillT57 says have a quiet word with her friends.

Ladies, I am so grateful. I have been led to believe I am some sort of half wit but having written all this down and this is not all of it yet every single person has come to the same conclusion as me. There is not one person said I was an anxious worrywart or that I am wrong. Given that we are all a certain age group and therefore experienced in life only add weight to the fact that I really need to do something here.

I am absolutely going to contact my EX, her dad, and see what his view of things is. No matter what he says I am going to phone the school (or should I go there?)and speak to the head. I think I will also speak to people at my Dr surgery and ask what they thought of the way I was treated in front of them. They even said when I went alone to see DR did I manage to escape out alone? I will also speak to my current specialist.

A major worry is that my EX and I are both pensioners and both with health problems, so would we be able to step in for DGC and would the authorities think we were able for it. I would not want DGC to "disappear" as a result of SW

I really feel for you in this situation.
I think, in cases where you are genuinely worried about DGC, definitely call CPS/Relevent SW- as it does sound like you have been witness and victim to abuse (emotional or verbal). Just be aware that ringing around enquiring after your DGC could get back to your DD who might further restrict your access... (Just something to be aware of).

Again, I'm so sorry this seems to be a lose-lose situation- o can only hope that your DD realises that her bc is no good for her.

And for what it's worth, you are right to be worries/concerned. You are not a half wit! And hopefully you can gain confidence from here and proceed with caution, but in the best interests of your DGC.

SPF it's good that you feel your concerns have been validated by others here and grim that you've been made to feel like some kind of half wit, as you put it. You're bound to worry that school/doctors may tell your daughter or worse, her boy friend that you've been talking about your worries. You could ask them for reassurances that they will keep your discussions confidential from your daughter.
I understand your fear that if your grandchildren are found to be at such risk, they can't live with their mum, your age and health may mean you won't be considered by sw. The law is absolutely clear, if sw decide children aren't safe at home, they have to go to the family court for permission to remove them. The court will expect the sw to have done everything possible to keep the children with their parents/mum in this case. That sometimes means the mum is asked to separate from an abusive partner. No one can make her do that of course but if there is real evidence the partner is a risk to the children (and that includes serious domestic abuse to their mum) that suggestion will be made. SW always have to consider placing children with significant people, grandparents are often top of that list.

Could you talk to your daughter, on her own about this. Does she have a close friend, a brother or sister, or would she listen to her dad? I'm not trying to minimise your worries, I do understand what a difficult position you're in. There is a good website run by the Family Rights Group that may be worth a look. Best of luck with this.

SPF, think you need to get your daughter on her own and really tell her of your concerns. If she shouts at you then try to see it as a defence mechanism and persevere. If this fails then I think you have no option than to get relevant services involved. If you have the support of your ex this would help. It may well cause a rift with your daughter but your grandson has to be the priority here. Before any of this though take a small step back and try to calmly see the entire situation.

Thanks for your support everyone.
I have arranged to meet up with EX later today. Have not told him what the real reason for this is but will steer the conversation round to it.
I will also suggest that "since we are going to X which is near DD house we could call round. I wanthim to see how empty the house is. They appear to be selling things all the time. Also DGC is to get supermarket school clothes usually gets the proper uniform from the uniform shop.
Unfortunately a young friend is having trouble with SE this morning on another matter. Totally out of order but does remind me acutely of all the rubbish they put people through. Anyway will be speaking to EX and get his angle on it all.
Thanks for support

Met with ex he also mentioned concerns about DGC and also all the shouting. He said he does not like that DGC is treated "like shit". I told him I hate all the shouting and that I am a target for the shouting too but she never shouts at the partners. He said she tried it with him but he told her it was not on.
Discussed what to do about it. He said something that confirms what I thought. I am being lied to by DD. After the first inappropriateness it was supposed to be discussed with someone and the EX I was told was present. EX said that he had never been there. EX seems not to know about the inapropriate behaviour and knowledge beyond years.
We are going to have our mutual DGC out as often as we are allowed. WE are going to arrange time away for the child. He does not think it would help DGC if either of us did anything to get ourselves excluded from DGC life.
SPF

I agree that it is best not to antagonise your DD SPF because she could stop you seeing your DGC; as long as you see him and give him love and show him a different way of life. You can also be aware of anything he says, too, without questioning him except in a very casual way.

Perhaps your DD does know that things are not right, is in thrall to this man for some reason, and shouting at everyone is her defence mechanism.

Maybe the inappropriate knowledge has come from something seen or overheard, that shouldn't have been, rather than the child's experience.
If you become aware that there is abuse, though, you must do what you can to stop it.
No amount of loving support would make up for that happening and it would seem, to the child, that you were okay with the whole thing.

It's a horrendous situation for you and I'm glad you have your ex sharing your concern.

sugarpufffairy Get advice and support. Speak to the NSPCC

As their website says: 'Talk to our experts on 0808 800 5000 if you're worried about a child or need advice or information about child protection'

I am sure they will recognise your story as they will have heard it before from others. They have the knowledge and expertise to know how best to deal with these issues.

MOnica, sadly the nspcc continue so to advertise as though it investigates. It doesn't. Ma call handler fills out a referral which is then sent to the l.a. Social work team.
Child line do have experienced, well supervised staff on their phone lines and offer confidential support.

Thanks to all ladies.
I have already spoken to NSPCC and have a reference for that.
I have also emailed local authority social work dept. as a vulnerable adult report that was 6 to 8 weeks ago. I bcc to my other email. I have not had any response from them, not even a "no cold calers" sticker request has materialised.
There is a sibling who had previously been in an abusive and controlling relationship. This was treated with denial from Social Work dept. until a near fatality. The non violent parents was the one vilified by Social Work and separated from the children for the last decade.
DGC may be exposed to films or on line games which are beyond age group as he has also made "gangster" comments.
It is very difficult to have faith in an organisation which has failed my family members so badly and so often in the past.
I can only see me always watching DGC very carefully and ready at a moment's notice to rip into anyone stepping out of place with DGC. DGC is most important here.
Thanks everyone
SPF

Oh SPF, I send you every good wish, you know that the DGC are the most important element in this, but in all honesty I don't envy you, as it would seem that your daughter might see things differently, perhaps she is either seeing things through rose tinted glasses, or, I'm sorry to say not really seeing things at all!

Please feel free to pm me, not sure I can be much practical help, but I am willing to help and support in any way, the I'm seriously worried about this situation, as I'm sure you are.

Every good wish to you,

phoenix - thanks so much for your support. It is so difficult to watch all this and seeing what is happening and having the EX agree with me. Unfortunately he is going to visit his family 100s of miles from here next week and the week after our schools go back. We wontbe able to take DGC away before school but we will try to get something one weekend or something. I will PM later.
Thanks again you are more help than you know. X
SPF

I have posted in AIBU
Things have taken a turn for the worse today and I am shocked scared and very worried. We have arrived at physical violence.
SPF