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ex daughter in law

(12 Posts)
britgran Wed 31-Aug-16 17:20:44

I hate myself for allowing myself to love and support our ex daughter in law, I've defended her against our son who left her with 3 children (2 from her previous relationship), he treated her badly and has since remarried and had two beautiful little girls, he was having an affair with his present wife so we got off to a rocky start, I despise women who have affairs with married men this was worse cause she was a friend , but his new wife is the mother of our adored baby granddaughters, so we have had to accept her into our family....meanwhile his ex wife has remained a wonderful friend until recently, we have always been Nannie and Granddad to her elder children , but last year the girl aged 25 started to distance herself from us because we had accepted our sons new wife she was very unpleasant to us and upset us terribly , her brother still visited and kept in contact, but the younger girl recently had her prom and her mother left us out of all the arrangements I was very hurt as we have always had a special bond with this GD, I told her mum how I felt and she has dropped us like a ton of bricks her son who we have also been so proud of has also dropped us......I have cried and cried and cried I feel so pathetic, they were never blood family but I loved them all so much, I have said to my DH I will text and apologise but he has gone mad and said No, what do I do

Jane10 Wed 31-Aug-16 17:27:01

Follow your heart. You love these people. You sound like a thoroughly nice person torn between family and ex family members. None of this is your fault. Do what you think best to maintain relationships. What a rotten situation for you. Good

grannyactivist Wed 31-Aug-16 17:36:37

britgran I think I would invite your ex-daughter in law (and possibly her adult children) to a cafe for a coffee and a chat. Explain how much she and the children mean to you and ask her to imagine in years to come that she was in your shoes and ask what she might do in your position. Sometimes these problems take on a life of their own, but a calm discussion can take the heat out of emotional situations.

SwimwithFish Thu 01-Sep-16 01:36:24

To me, you are placing blame on your ExDIL, who has shown (up until recently) that she values your input into her life and the lives of her children.

It is her 25yo daughter who has raised problems with you (not her mum). Unfortunately, it sounds as if the daughter has a grievance against you and your hubby and probably told your ExDIL not to invite you.

Your ExDIL cannot control her 25yo daughters relationship with you. I would apologise to your ExDIL for blaming her without knowing what was going on, ask to meet with her to smooth things over (I wouldn't pry about her daughter as her loyalties should lie with her daughter).

I would also call or text the 25yo and ask her to meet you for coffee because you miss her. Let her have her feelings and validate those feelings, but you don't have to not see your son because of her- she sounds like she needs to grow up and realise you can have a relationship with both her and her brother and your son and his wife.

Good luck, it sounds like a complicated mess and I hope you're able to find a way to navigate this!

britgran Thu 01-Sep-16 09:28:14

Thanks for your input ladies, and yes it is a complicated mess, I keep being told that as a family they have moved on and I need to just ' suck it up' as youngsters say, our ex DiL is remarrying next year and once again we were very supportive, her new man doesn't want contact with us , and I understand that although we really liked him and we were thrilled that she had met someone else, therefore we no longer visit them but my ex DiL would come here or meet in a coffee shop .... I have tried to talk and meet with the older daughter she made excuses not to ,which I didn't make a big deal of, she didn't contact us then she didn't wish me a happy birthday ( might sound petty but that hurt ) I may be heartbroken and an emotional wreck but don't kick me when I'm down it's cruel, and in my opinion she does need to grow up, I don't blame her mum for this the girl isn't a child and nor is her brother, I don't know what has been said to him but he is in the Royal Navy and has always contacted and visited us when he's home, we have always been the only GP's to bother about them but he also has ignored us since March I've tried to contact him to no avail and I learned from the 16yr GD that he changed his phone and number , I know young men don't always visit and keep in touch with GP's he has a busy life which I totally understand but I also know a text takes two minutes and I'd be happy with that, but you are all correct I need to talk to my ex DiL if only for the sake of our 16 yr old GD, and I need a good kick in the backside to stop me being so emotional smile

jenpax Thu 01-Sep-16 16:44:55

Don't be so hard on yourself! You have done nothing wrong! It's difficult balancing families and people can have their own axes to grind which sounds like the case here! It appears that you have got caught up in issues between your Ex DIL's 2 elder children and their dad, there is probably some resentment about the new grandchildren and you are being caught in the middle! It's not fair and I agree that you should try to meet up with them, you could try using family mediating services sometimes a trained 3rd party can help take the heat out of the situation.
The new husband of the DIL probably wants a fresh start but it's worth pointing out that new relationships invariably come with ties from the past, it's not reasonable to expect you to just disappear.

britgran Thu 01-Sep-16 17:36:40

I'ts a sad state of affairs and does nothing to help my faith in human nature smile I have contacted my ex DiL today and apologized for telling her how much she had hurt us but I thought we were close enough for me to do that and that surely we can talk if only for the sake of our 16yr old GD, she has agreed that she will text me regarding her....but I think that's as good as it gets and I will just have to deal with it, maybe this situation will improve but somehow I doubt it, she said she'll always be grateful for us being there for her children and her, she doesn't seem to comprehend that we didn't want gratitude and that we loved all her children equally and just the same as all our GC, thier biological GP's never saw them or bothered about them so all their childhood memories are with us, but blood is thicker than water and they are now in touch with the other GP's I guess we are the's been good for me to get this all off my chest and to read others opinions so thank you all

Eloethan Thu 01-Sep-16 17:45:27

I think I would write her a letter (not a text or an e-mail), saying most of the things you have said here - that you were devastated about the marriage break up and that you have always remained loving and caring towards her and your grandchildren - and that your love for them has not diminished.

You could say that you were sorry that you had spoken of your upset at being excluded from your granddaughter's prom arrangements but it was just that you felt so terribly hurt.
You realise now that it was up to your granddaughter to decide what she wanted.

I would ask her please not to cut you out of their lives as they mean so much to you, and you are hearbroken at the thought of losing a part of the family that means so much to you.

I think, even with older children, there is often hurt when the parent who has left marries again and has more children. They feel unimportant, unloved and abandoned and unfortunately tend to take it out on those who are closest to the parent who left.

I can understand your husband saying that you should not make further contact. He is probably trying to protect your feelings because doing so may lead to further rejection. But, as it is upsetting you so much, I think it's worth a try and even if they don't respond now they may have a change of heart in the future.

I wish you well and hope that at some point there will be a happier outcome.

trisher Thu 01-Sep-16 21:00:09

britgran it does seem that some of the problems are being created by your GCs and not by your DIL. It could be that they are in someway working out the resentment they feel towards your son and you are suffering because of this. They must have been through a lot of family changes and this can cause all sorts of problems. It does seem wrong that you should be treated in such a way when none of this has been your fault. But perhaps you can take comfort by thinking that they may be behaving the way they are because they know that you will love them no matter what happens. Stay strong, keep all the lines of communication open and invite them to visit you regularly. One day I am sure they will come through this and you will rebuild your relationships.

britgran Fri 02-Sep-16 10:53:57

I don't really think things will change especially with the two eldest, in an ideal world people wouldn't hurt others , in the real world people are basically horrible, I've become very cynical as I have discovered that of course there are some lovely kind people who would try very hard to never hurt or upset anybody, then there are people who knowing that they will crucify someone with their actions will go ahead and do it anyway, when my son left his first wife I was in total shock, his actions were everything I hate in a man and here was my own son behaving so badly, but I have unconditional love for him and couldn't disown him, I was fully supportive of his ex wife I loved her and her children, it seems like they have all moved on and we have been left behind , I know we are no longer part of her family and it breaks my heart , her and her children know what I am like it was a bit of a joke that I am so emotional and get so tearful over both happy and sad situations ( for goodness sake I cried watching Finding Dory , my GD'S thought it was hilarious Nanny crying over an animated fish ) so they all know what this has done to us.... but my son has a new family and I guess we have to live with that, think I'm just a silly old woman hankering for happier days, I appreciate all your comments they are definitely proof that there really are some nice folks out there

Eloethan Fri 02-Sep-16 12:40:52

britgran I must have posted around the same time as you did and didn't see your previous post re the conversation you had with your daughter in law.

It is naturally very upsetting for you but I think there is still hope that in the future things will settle down. Your daughter in law has said she appreciates all that you have done and that she will text you. I would leave it at that for the time being. Keep in touch with birthday cards, etc., perhaps putting in a short note, just to keep the lines of communication open and to show that you are still thinking of them.

I hope in time things will get better.

GrandmaMoira Sun 04-Sep-16 13:49:37

I'm sorry for your upset, it is so difficult when you've loved and looked after children even though not your blood family. When my second husband died, his family dropped me. I'd had his youngest living with me for several years when she was still at school and saw a lot of the older ones, babysitting for them regularly. I'd seen his grandchildren growing up. So it is essentially a double loss, losing my husband and also his family. A couple of his grandchildren are friends with me on FB but his daughters declined my friends request which I find hurtful. On speaking to other people, this seems to be common with step families.