jealous other gran

Do you need to spend so much time with her? You say you want to be friends, but why? You can't be friends with everyone and it is an accident of birth and circumstances that you have become connected.
I don't understand why to give her opinion such value or why someone who you only need to see at occasional family get togethers. I would tell your daughter to have the birthday party and make a resolution not to disagree with the other gran. You are not going to change her mind and she is probably not interested in her opinion so let is wash over you. Maybe you do it more than you realise and it grates with her. It sounds difficult but you can't change her, only your approach to her.

It seems in-laws are very rarely people we would choose as friends and that gets us off to a bad start. We have one set who we can't talk to as they don't speak English, we all nod and smile on the very few occasions we meet. Another set are charming, hospitable and live some way away and another that on paper we should get on with like a house on fire and we just don't they are very reserved (shy) we don't seem to have any common interests and conversation is not easy but again only see them very rarely so smiles all round and concentrate on DGC who are never loath to play one lot off against the other, often in a way that amuses us all.

Ive always been able to talk rationally with the other person and listened to their point of view. I thought everyone was like this but this person wont listen to anything

No, ethel, not everyone is like that!!
Don't keep trying, but carry on being pleasant on a superficial level and avoid her as much as possible.

Perhaps you could hold your nose and find something positive to say about the other gran in front of the grandchildren. They might pass it on. If my late m-I-law expressed the slightest criticism of me in front of the children, they'd tell me.
I have a rigid rule, that i only say nice things about their mum and other gran in front of the grandchildren. To be fair, I get on pretty well with my d-I-l and her mum.

Bbbface why make an unwarranted insinuation? OP is hurt because no matter what she does the other GM is unwilling to meet her halfway for benefit of DGD. She does not deserve your comment

How terribly sad for your DGD as she is the one who misses out in the end and her loyalty is being torn between two grans. I had a little bit of this when my DGD was born because I could offer support when my daughter became disabled after the birth and the other Nan couldn't. Whilst I found it quite strange that anybody could be jealous in this situation, I just kept my mouth shut and let her get on with it. I always told her how much my DGD had enjoyed her trips out with her, how much she loved her Nan, etc. 5 years on, it has all died down. Kill her hate with kindness, never discuss the situation in front of your DGD, when she tells you the other DG hates you just respond with something nice and, in time, your DGD will see for herself how the land lies.

Your DD sounds very sensible ethel and it sounds as if she gets on with her MIL despite what she is like.

I hope you can do the same and keep your encounters to small doses.

icanhandthemback I think ethel's DGD is only tiny - but it won't be many more years before she will notice if the grannies are at loggerheads.
It would be awful if she was forced to take sides.

Hi all! 'Other' granny and I have the most civilised arrangement of meeting for lunch every month. This has proven to be invaluable in 'comparing notes' and thoughts in general. Our personal relationship has blossomed no end and all discussions are confidential. Sometimes very enlightening too.........

Sadly there are some people who thrive on dissent and could start an argument in an empty room. You will never change her, what you can change is how she affects you ethel. Rise above it and be the better person, be polite, never ever bad mouth her in front of family ( that is what GN is for!),and just carry on being the gran you are to your dgd. Birthday parties as for children, not grandparents, especially when children start school so dont worry about them. Keep sending her Christmas cards, if she doesn't return the courtesy then that is her problem and not yours.

I would be polite if in her company & ignore any "nasty" comments - need to have a skin like a rhino where relationships are concerned. My DD doesn't see much of her Mil & Fil - their choice as they live quite close. On DGS's Birthday they came with his card & gift when he was at school despite neither of them working & both drive.

I see DGS as near to his Birthday as possible but now his Parties have been for his friends not GPs. Only Party I went to was for his 1st Birthday, there is no need for me to be there now he's getting older

Be very careful what you say around GC as they quickly pick up on things, I am favourite Nan although I don't get to see him often, school, swimming & football occupy a lot of his time (& DD's). I hope things work out & don't let it spoil your relationship with your DD

would be nice to be wanted

I am quite a new Gran but don't have your problem as my SiL recently lost his mum. However something I've learned already is to keep my own counsel as to how my DGC is being brought up. I sometimes don't agree with my DD's and SiL's parenting style, but unless my DGC was at risk in some way, I keep my views quiet. I do feel otherwise I'll-feeling can be caused. It sounds like the other Gran feels threatened by you in some way which is totally pathetic. I would be nothing but sweetness and light towards her and about her, and refuse to comment if she makes derogatory remarks about you. That way you won't be accused of causing any trouble and she will be seen as the sad person that she is. I sympathise as it's clearly hurtful for you, but you can always offload to us! Good luck.

I have often used the 'ostrich' approach to overcome situations. i.e. even when you know someone is angry with you for no particular reason, dislikes you etc. pretend you do not know and carry on! It puts them on the back foot and if they get upset when you are behaving in a positive and warm way then deffo. their problem not yours.

I have known DDs MiL for a long time but we are not particular friends but are always polite and friendly when we meet at mutual events. I asked DGS if he had a nice time with Granny P as she had looked after him after school one day. 'No I didn't she gave me yukky tea' ...I hate to think what he tell her about me!

Ethelbags1 you say: I just want to be friends and yet you've written on here that you don't need anyone. Why do you want to be friends with the other grandmother now. The situation with your grandaughter can be easily arranged without being friends.
You have often told us your likes and dislikes and on more than one occasion discribed the other grandmother, in all honesty ( from what you have written) I cant imagine two women less likely to get on.

I know these kind of situations are very dicey but has anyone ever written to the other grandma saying something to the effect
I have beed saddened to hear that you do not like me and find me very difficult. I have never knowingly done anything that would offend you, nor would I ever criticise you to our grandchildren. For the sake of those grandchildren I do think we should rub along together without animosity and offer the hand of friendship

If so, what was the reaction?

I think it's very risky putting something like that in writing, however well-meaning the intention. Words can be misinterpreted, sometimes deliberately.

Definitely not!
The sky could fall in!

Just smile and chat if necessary.

Just get on enjoying you DGC and ignore other granny. If she turns up be polite and friendly. Don't let her dominate your thoughts.
What you want is a lovely relationship with your DGC..so just concentrate on that..don't even discuss other granny!

You may not have done anything, maybe just being 'the competition' is what irks her. Just carry on as normal and be yourself. It sounds like its her problem, not yours.

I must have misunderstood Jalima by the OP saying "I would never defame her to to dgd but she said that her gran doesnt like me." Whatever the situation I do think least said, soonest mended and I hate to think of any child being torn between parents or Grandparents.

Has she always been like this or only recently.?Could be she is going through a bad patch that is not related to the present situation.Then inches become miles.

Oh yes! ichtb

Keep to the moral high ground ethel, don't retaliate and definitely don't say anything to DGD!

My counterpart Gran sadly has terminal cancer and I doubt will be here for too much longer.

When we are all together DH and myself back off so that she can have as much time with our two grandsons as possible. She is a Loving, kind gran and she must be devastated that she will not see the boys grow up. I want to weep for her.

Just chill, as they say. See her only when you have to - be polite and friendly and leave it at that.