Gransnet forums


jealous other gran

(65 Posts)
etheltbags1 Sun 09-Oct-16 19:22:24

I am so upset, the other gran hates me and Ive done nothing to cause it, Ive been polite and friendly despite knowing how she feels, Ive sent xmas cards which were never returned. Its like she loves causing an argument with DD which causes DD and me to have a heated discussion.
In my experience an argument is two differing sides of opinion and Ive always been able to talk rationally with the other person and listened to their point of view. I thought everyone was like this but this person wont listen to anything.
I have come to the conclusion she is jealous but of what ? she has more money than me, a man, lots of friends to go out with a nice home and I have none of these I face old age in poverty as Ive said on numerous threads. I try to back up DD by encouraging the little one manners and to be polite but I got criticised. what on earth have I done wrong. I would never defame her to to dgd but she said that her gran doesnt like me. I hate being disliked unless I know what Ive done then I can understand it.
My friend has similar problems but to the point that her daughter bins all the presents she sends for her DGD or leaves them out in the rain and doesnt speak to her mother for weeks. I dont want to get into that situation.
DD has said that we cannot have any parties for DGD because she cant have grannies hating each other.

tanith Sun 09-Oct-16 19:31:17

What an odd situation, is she just like this with you or are there others she seems to dislike as much? Sounds like she has 'issues' that really are nothing to do with you. Has your daughter asked her what the problem is? Maybe you could write her a letter asking what her problem is?

obieone Sun 09-Oct-16 19:35:46

My guess.
You are the mother of the daughter which means she may feel, even totally unnecessarily, that you hav.. again I dont know which words to use.

The last sentence bothers me. Hope other grannies can offer suggestions.

tanith Sun 09-Oct-16 19:37:49

confused did you miss something out?

Luckygirl Sun 09-Oct-16 19:43:22

I think this refers back to another thread where ethel was talking about teaching children manners and made it clear that her views on this differed from the "other" gran's. If this was aid to her, then I guess she might have taken the 'ump. Is this what has happened ethel?

Jalima Sun 09-Oct-16 19:46:34

It was a shock when I realised that DD's MIL was saying things to be spiteful and wasn't one of those people who accidentally put their foot in it.
But then again she is horrible to quite a lot of people.
If we have to meet in a social or family setting I try to be very nice to her, but wouldn't go out of my way to be friendly.
She has a very jealous personality, I had never met anyone quite like her before.

DIL's mother, on the other hand, is absolutely lovely.

obieone Sun 09-Oct-16 19:47:25

Yes and no.

I know what I mean but dont have the words to convey it.
I will try again and give an example.

I am going to visit a daughter in two weeks time. I know I dont need to ask to come. [she has been waiting for me to visit].
The other in law, although very much loved in all our cases, cannot for example have such a free rein of things.
Not the best words, and totally not even true in lots of relationship dynamics, but perhaps, just perhaps that is what the other grannie is feeling?

Another example. I wouldnt hold back in telling my daughter "good advice". My DD would take it or ignore it. The in law has to hold back just a wee bit?

In shoprt she may be jealous of you, regardless of anything you may have done.

pollyperkins Sun 09-Oct-16 20:04:51

Peopleoften assume that the mother's mother is the favourite (maternal
Grandmother) but this isn't always the case! Does she think you have preferential
Treatment or priveleges I wonder?
I agree you could ask yout daughter to try and find out why she (MiL) feels like this. What a difficult situation! I would also stress that you dont 'hate' the other grandmother and try to be friendly and sensitive if you come across her! Im
Careful With my daughters MiL not to go on about how frequently i see her etc. My sSons MiL can be annoying talking about when the children have visited etc (much more often than they see us) but I try not to let it show!

jenpax Sun 09-Oct-16 20:18:14

One of my little grand daughters sees lots more of her daddy's mother than of me and stays over too. So far she has only visited here a few times and has not had any overnights. I can't pretend I am not jealous, but I realise that this is my own fault, as other grannie lives 3 miles away whereas I live 120 miles away and DGD is only 5 so an overnight isn't practical! Therefore despite the feelings of envy (which I keep to myself!) I don't have any ill will to other grannie I am just happy that DGD has her around and that she is able to help with the practical stuff for my DD who is in the last year of her degree.

etheltbags1 Sun 09-Oct-16 23:19:56

She has taken umbrage lots of times. I'm used to talking things over. She just goes out of the room if anyone says anything she doesn't like or has hysterics. I just don't undrstan.d. when my neighbour took huff regarding my garden, I told her with a hug that we were not going to fall out over a garden and now she's fine. Its not just about manners. I just want to be friends. It would be better for the little one.

Elrel Sun 09-Oct-16 23:46:35

My co-grandmother and I are very different in so many ways. Luckily we get on fine, tolerate each other's differences and concentrate on the things we have in common. Charity shops, certain books, and life before our children met up are favourite topics!
FWIW I would never discuss her with GC, or let them tell me anything she had said about me or their parents.

ninathenana Mon 10-Oct-16 00:25:38

I never even had a conversation with D' s ex MIL despite the fact D and ex were married 10 yrs.. We met just the once at the wedding where she deigned to acknowledge my presence and ignored our family for the rest of the day/evening.
The grandchildren have always had two birthday celebrations one at their's and one at ours. Christmas with the children was always celebrated on Boxing Day as other GPs were at D' s on Christmas day so ex SiL didn't invite us.
None of this is down to me. She just chooses to ignore us.

BlueBelle Mon 10-Oct-16 05:01:25

It's funny when people just don't take to each other, my sons mother in law in NZ is a nice enough person and I don't dislike her, but when I went to visit years ago when the second child was a baby she really got up my pip. Bearing in mind she lives round the corner from them and I see them every 4 or 5 years Everytime I went to pick the baby up she found a reason to whisk him off me and tell me what he liked or didn't like one day my son asked me to look after him while they went for a run, shortly afterwards she 'just popped in ' and completely took over in the nicest possible way once when I was playing with the older child then about 5 she said ' I ve got that story you wanted ' and whisked her off to another room to read her the story while I sat talking to the others and smarting I have to reinitterate she isn't a nasty person but seemed to have to control the whole situation and didn't want me to have a look in and I can't forget that
Don't worry too much Ethlebags I expect it's jealously( not over what you have or haven't ) don't let her cause a rift or difficulties with your daughter it's very difficult when we are the wronged ones but both get blamed

FarNorth Mon 10-Oct-16 06:54:04

etheltbags, make it clear to your DD that you don't hate or dislike the other gran.
Ask her to try not to get drawn into arguments with the other gran, and to do what she can to encourage a good relationship between the two grans, for the sake of DGD.

Other Gran is being a bully, and it is affecting DGD to the extent she won't get any parties and is aware of bad feeling. This is completely wrong.

radicalnan Mon 10-Oct-16 10:19:45

Some people are just like this and there is little point cogitating on what you may have done to deserve it, it is her, and she is best left to get on with it.

Be cool, be polite, but stop giving it any more thought or attention. You can't change her and it is unlikely that you are the only one she treats that way, stop trying to work it all out. life is too short to take any responsibility for unreasonable people.

I wouldn't bother with any gestures like a Christmas card that cost money, I post my season's greetings on FB now and save a tree.

Don't put yourself in the position where she can snub you but just see who she is and let her deal with it.

Rosina Mon 10-Oct-16 10:20:42

How poisonous jealousy can be - and this is just what it sounds like. The defects are all hers, but of course the ripples spread, and if you have one person in the family boiling in their own bile all the time it will affect everyone in some way. You can only go on being your kind self; perhaps the poisonous one realises she has a great deal but is not happy, whereas you have a loving heart with little in the world's terms. If she does think that then she knows you will always be 'better', 'happier', 'more content' than her, and ultimately as you GC grow up they will love the kind and gentle Nanny in an unconditional way and the spiteful hateful one probably out of duty . You hang on in there - it might sound mushy but I do believe that love and kindness always win in the end .

Yorkshiregel Mon 10-Oct-16 10:27:58

Rich v poor? Sounds like a mean spirited person to me. Rich, nice home, posh friends, need I go on? Forget about her, let her be spiteful if she wishes but remain calm, friendly, loyal to your daughter and loving to your granddaughter. When she grows up she will see how the other gran treats you and if she is the girl you think she is she will see how unfairly you have been treated. Never, never, criticize her other gran in front of people though, that is like giving someone with a gun a bullet to shoot you with because unkind words have a habit of coming back to roost.

Jalima Mon 10-Oct-16 10:28:09

As you will not want your DGD to miss out on parties or family get-togethers then it will have to be up to you to be the 'better person', ie put a smile on your face, be pleasant to the other gran, if she is unpleasant or starts showing off just say 'Oh, really?' and wander off and chat to someone else.
It sounds as if your DD gets on OK with her which is a good starting point and you both love DGD who should be the main concern of both of you mature ladies, rather than the animosity between you.

Assure your DD you will not let your dislike of the other granny upset any parties etc for DGD (it must upset your DD to see the animosity between you and make her anxious about family get togethers)
Smile, be pleasant and remember that it is not just you that she annoys and upsets: She just goes out of the room if anyone says anything she doesn't like or has hysterics.
Stay calm, don't rise to her bait
Keep sending the Christmas cards then she can't say you didn't even if you don't receive one in return

Remember - It's all about DGD, it's not about the pair of you so be pleasant but non-committal in any dealings with her and put up with her for the short time you have to spend with her.

Funnygran Mon 10-Oct-16 10:36:07

My son's in laws live abroad but mum visits the UK every few weeks to see her grandchildren. The odd occasions when we have all met up such as at a christening are quite difficult as they brush us aside and don't make conversation at all. I did once ask my son if we had upset them and he looked embarrassed and said they were shy in company so I didn't pursue it. I wonder if they are jealous that we are seen to be around more which isn't actually the case since we live about 50 miles from this son and his family. We get on well with DD's in laws when we see them.

loopylou Mon 10-Oct-16 10:39:00

She sounds very jealous, clearly she's an unhappy person.
My MIL was exactly the same, three times a week churchgoer but NEVER had a good word to say about anything or anyone. I found the only way to behave was to be polite and noncommittal and avoid contact as much as I could. Unfortunately she lived two minutes walk away..........

Yorkshiregel Mon 10-Oct-16 10:42:08

I have to say that sometimes people bring things on themselves by being too accommodating. At my youngest's wedding I and my other DIL were climbing ladders, blowing up balloons and generally getting the marquee ready for the reception, place names were on tables and it all looked very nice. MIL came in and changed all the names around much to the annoyance of my son who had been up until midnight making a seating board for outside the entrance. MIL disappeared and we did not see her or any of her family until after the wedding. Later we found out by looking at photographs that, while we were getting dirty climbing about pinning up balloons etc and rushing back to get changed in to wedding clothes, they had all been at a champagne breakfast at OMIL's house! We had no idea! Now that is the kind of thing that sets relationships on the wrong path. My son was with us in the marquee. They are now living 15 mins away from MIL's house and 30 mins from SIL' and FIL's house, while we are a 3 hrs drive away so we hardly see our grandchildren unless we make the effort to go to their house. Life is so unfair isn't it but imo sometimes we set ourselves up for a fall by being too considerate.

foxie Mon 10-Oct-16 10:46:13

You've done nothing wrong, on the contrary you've been patient, understanding and loving. But you have to understand that you can't cure all the ills in the world. There are some who thrive on dissent, dislike and hate for no good or apparent reason and you can often see it in their faces. Ask someone to mediate, not necessarily you daughter and hopefully that may work. But for your own peace of mind remember "Unto thyself be true"

ajanela Mon 10-Oct-16 10:46:31

Children's birthday parties are for children no need for your daughter to invite any grandparents and she should make it clear that all grandparents are not welcome during the party hours. Presents can be delivered before or after. This is the child's day.

I am sure you have found that not all people can calmly discuss things, in fact some may find that even more annoying when they are angry or upset about something and it is necessary to acknowledge their position and let them know we are listening before we can move forward.

Keep out of you DD's MIL's way and as others have said don't discuss it with your grand child.

None of us are perfect.

Jalima Mon 10-Oct-16 10:49:48

They don't need mediation - they are not in a close relationship!! - they just need to put their differences aside for the sake of their DGD and spend as little time as possible in each other's company.

Bbbface Mon 10-Oct-16 10:52:34

Your daughter thinks both of you hate each other.

Why is that?

Classic thread where I suspect there is quite a bit more to the story than the OP is letting on.