jealous other gran

ethelbags you really don't need her as a friend. You wouldn't go out of your way to choose her as a friend and it is a pure accident that you are connected.

You need to have a great deal of patience as children do eventually work out who is really interested in them for their own sake and not just as a way of point scoring!

I had it made abundantly clear to me by the other granny that she was the maternal grandmother and the most important after mummy and as the paternal grandmother I was only tolerated and not at all necessary. I didn't know how to respond to that so I just smiled.
I am disabled and sometimes need a wheelchair to be involved in family life. One time other granny told me I didn't need to go on a family outing and ought not to cause problems by 'insisting' on coming out with the rest of the family as someone would have to push me. Really didn't know what to say to that but DDIL, DS, DH and DH insisted that it was not a problem so I smiled - gratefully!
When DGC were very small I was not able to do much of the hands on stuff at all but managed the occasional cuddle which made me very happy. Other granny revelled in the doing of everything and talked about it non stop. I still smiled as I reckoned that bottom wiping was not really something they would remember or even want to be reminded of in years to come. DIL was glad of the help so that was a good thing.
The other granny is well off and has enough cash spare to splash money out on a holiday to a Disney theme Park every year and also whenever they stay with the family for a visit the DGC all have presents each and every day. We can't compete and don't feel that it is necessary so we don't.
We don't socialise with the other GPs and rarely see them but are very polite and interested when we do. There are no problems.
I do show great interest in the GC and chat about all the things in which they are interested. OH is great for them to play with too and watching the GC all piled on top of him and laughing makes me smile a lot.
Smallest GC, now 8, snuggled up to me at the last visit and said that he was so happy to visit as he could sit quietly and chat whenever he wanted as he always knew where I would be. That was a really big smiley moment! DIL is not one to say anything critical about anyone but she has said how much she appreciates us and that means so much.
I have never written this down before and I have relived much angst in the doing of it. I have had heartbreaking moments when I have felt that I was not much of a granny for my poor DGC but now that they are getting older the fact that they seek me out to just sit and talk, read books together and play games just means the world to me.

Its like she loves causing an argument with DD which causes DD and me to have a heated discussion.

Ethel, the above statement needs clarification....You say that you and DD end up having a heated discussion. Does your counterpart somehow goad you and your DD to argue with each other? Has your DD ever acknowledged that her MIL is adversarial towards you?

Without a clear understanding about what's really going on, it's hard to give advice, but you sound like a kind person who isn't in it for a fight. If you ignore her rudeness and take the higher ground, she'll have to come around sooner or later. You both have a lot in common. You are now part of the same family, the two of you love your (shared) grandchildren dearly and you will continue to love them for the rest of your lives. The negative impact this is having on your DGC's birthday's seems unfair and carrying this feud years into the future would be daunting at best. From my limited perspective, I see an insecure grandmother who is afraid to lose her family's affection. I do hope that with a positive, loving intervention, things can improve for both of you. You both want the same things and I'm sure there's plenty of love to go around.

Its like she loves causing an argument with DD which causes DD and me to have a heated discussion.

Ethel, the above statement needs clarification....You say that you and DD end up having a heated discussion. Does your counterpart somehow goad you and your DD to argue with each other? Has your DD ever acknowledged that her MIL is adversarial towards you?

Without a clear understanding about what's really going on, it's hard to give advice, but you sound like a kind person who isn't in it for a fight. If you ignore her rudeness and take the higher ground, she'll have to come around sooner or later. You both have a lot in common. You are now part of the same family, the two of you love your (shared) grandchildren dearly and you will continue to love them for the rest of your lives. The negative impact this is having on your DGC's birthday's seems unfair and carrying this feud years into the future would be daunting at best. From my limited perspective, I see an insecure grandmother who is afraid to lose her family's affection. I do hope that with a positive, loving intervention, things can improve for both of you. You both want the same things and I'm sure there's plenty of love to go around.

Its like she loves causing an argument with DD which causes DD and me to have a heated discussion.

Ethel, the above statement needs clarification....You say that you and DD end up having a heated discussion. Does your counterpart somehow goad you and your DD to argue with each other? Has your DD ever acknowledged that her MIL is adversarial towards you?

Without a clear understanding about what's really going on, it's hard to give advice, but you sound like a kind person who isn't in it for a fight. If you ignore her rudeness and take the higher ground, she'll have to come around sooner or later. You both have a lot in common. You are now part of the same family, the two of you love your (shared) grandchildren dearly and you will continue to love them for the rest of your lives. The negative impact this is having on your DGC's birthday's seems unfair and carrying this feud years into the future would be daunting at best. From my limited perspective, I see an insecure grandmother who is afraid to lose her family's affection. I do hope that with a positive, loving intervention, things can improve for both of you. You both want the same things and I'm sure there's plenty of love to go around.

Its like she loves causing an argument with DD which causes DD and me to have a heated discussion.

Ethel, the above statement needs clarification....You say that you and DD end up having a heated discussion. Does your counterpart somehow goad you and your DD to argue with each other? Has your DD ever acknowledged that her MIL is adversarial towards you?

Without a clear understanding about what's really going on, it's hard to give advice, but you sound like a kind person who isn't in it for a fight. If you ignore her rudeness and take the higher ground, she'll have to come around sooner or later. You both have a lot in common. You are now part of the same family, the two of you love your (shared) grandchildren dearly and you will continue to love them for the rest of your lives. The negative impact this is having on your DGC's birthday's seems unfair and carrying this feud years into the future would be daunting at best. From my limited perspective, I see an insecure grandmother who is afraid to lose her family's affection. I do hope that with a positive, loving intervention, things can improve for both of you. You both want the same things and I'm sure there's plenty of love to go around.

Sorry...don't know why that happened....I previewed, hit control enter and it posted twice.

Synonymous you seem to have worked out the best way to deal with her!

I wonder what your SIL thinks ethel?
Does he take sides or just put his 'head in the sand'?

He must feel upset though, especially if he sees his DD upset and exasperated by the situation.

Not DD, I mean wife, although his DD will soon be asking 'why?'

This happens alot Im the mum to two grownup sons.And my ds1is married with two boys 9 and 3 and another boy is due this month .However my daughter in law has shown myself and my dh, that she wants nothing to do with us..Only her own family get invited to any events whilst we get left out .Wen i speak to my ds1 he always says hes on her side.And If i dont like it i neednt see my dgs again.Its so absurd because to our knowledge i cant think of anything ive done wrong.I bever even had an argument with dil in my life .Wen we usex to go and visit she' djust sit on sofa ingnoring us with her head down.Whikst my don did all the talking to us .Id politly ask her if she was ok sged just grunt and continue looking at her phone.Eventually as the years past; I decided to just let my dh go and pick up the dgs My son hasnt been bsck to our hone since he left it 14 yrs ago.

Yes Jalima it seems to work as she doesn't know how to deal with me but it is neither necessary or pleasant and is very sad.

That is really awful Helmsley
Best just to keep the peace, never make any detrimental remarks to your DGSs and remember that the boys will eventually work things out for themselves. This means the future could play out either way but do remember that parental influence invariably is by far the strongest. I hope that it plays out the best possible way for you but best to be prepared for anything I'm afraid.
I find it very strange that your son has not been back to his childhood home since his marriage quite apart from your DIL not even communicating. Did you have an inkling or clue about the possibility of all this coming about before it happened?
What about your other son? Is that a good relationship?
How does your DH feel about it all?

There certainly is truth in the saying,"There's nowt so queer as folk!"

jalima he is head in sand. Doesn't get on with her either.

I think you all have to and put up with her in the smallest doses possible for the sake of your DGD.

Interesting that her own son doesn't get on with her either!

I am in similar position - just be yourself. She sounds insecure and possibly controlling & I believe by not reacting to her horrible negativity gives her less power. Although I know at times this is easier said than done! Anyway it's the grandchildren you are only interested in - not her - she is not important to you.

thank you for those comments. I'm feeling more secure myself and I had to admit that when I wrote the thread I was a bit insecure. Having sat by and 'let it go' I'm not so worried. She is no threat to me, my DD and DGD and SIL get on ok. But looking at your experiences I can see that in laws are a minefield.