jealous other gran

Ethelbags1 you say: I just want to be friends and yet you've written on here that you don't need anyone. Why do you want to be friends with the other grandmother now. The situation with your grandaughter can be easily arranged without being friends.
You have often told us your likes and dislikes and on more than one occasion discribed the other grandmother, in all honesty ( from what you have written) I cant imagine two women less likely to get on.

I have often used the 'ostrich' approach to overcome situations. i.e. even when you know someone is angry with you for no particular reason, dislikes you etc. pretend you do not know and carry on! It puts them on the back foot and if they get upset when you are behaving in a positive and warm way then deffo. their problem not yours.

I have known DDs MiL for a long time but we are not particular friends but are always polite and friendly when we meet at mutual events. I asked DGS if he had a nice time with Granny P as she had looked after him after school one day. 'No I didn't she gave me yukky tea' ...I hate to think what he tell her about me!

I am quite a new Gran but don't have your problem as my SiL recently lost his mum. However something I've learned already is to keep my own counsel as to how my DGC is being brought up. I sometimes don't agree with my DD's and SiL's parenting style, but unless my DGC was at risk in some way, I keep my views quiet. I do feel otherwise I'll-feeling can be caused. It sounds like the other Gran feels threatened by you in some way which is totally pathetic. I would be nothing but sweetness and light towards her and about her, and refuse to comment if she makes derogatory remarks about you. That way you won't be accused of causing any trouble and she will be seen as the sad person that she is. I sympathise as it's clearly hurtful for you, but you can always offload to us! Good luck.

would be nice to be wanted

I would be polite if in her company & ignore any "nasty" comments - need to have a skin like a rhino where relationships are concerned. My DD doesn't see much of her Mil & Fil - their choice as they live quite close. On DGS's Birthday they came with his card & gift when he was at school despite neither of them working & both drive.

I see DGS as near to his Birthday as possible but now his Parties have been for his friends not GPs. Only Party I went to was for his 1st Birthday, there is no need for me to be there now he's getting older

Be very careful what you say around GC as they quickly pick up on things, I am favourite Nan although I don't get to see him often, school, swimming & football occupy a lot of his time (& DD's). I hope things work out & don't let it spoil your relationship with your DD

Sadly there are some people who thrive on dissent and could start an argument in an empty room. You will never change her, what you can change is how she affects you ethel. Rise above it and be the better person, be polite, never ever bad mouth her in front of family ( that is what GN is for!),and just carry on being the gran you are to your dgd. Birthday parties as for children, not grandparents, especially when children start school so dont worry about them. Keep sending her Christmas cards, if she doesn't return the courtesy then that is her problem and not yours.

Hi all! 'Other' granny and I have the most civilised arrangement of meeting for lunch every month. This has proven to be invaluable in 'comparing notes' and thoughts in general. Our personal relationship has blossomed no end and all discussions are confidential. Sometimes very enlightening too.........

icanhandthemback I think ethel's DGD is only tiny - but it won't be many more years before she will notice if the grannies are at loggerheads.
It would be awful if she was forced to take sides.

Your DD sounds very sensible ethel and it sounds as if she gets on with her MIL despite what she is like.

I hope you can do the same and keep your encounters to small doses.

How terribly sad for your DGD as she is the one who misses out in the end and her loyalty is being torn between two grans. I had a little bit of this when my DGD was born because I could offer support when my daughter became disabled after the birth and the other Nan couldn't. Whilst I found it quite strange that anybody could be jealous in this situation, I just kept my mouth shut and let her get on with it. I always told her how much my DGD had enjoyed her trips out with her, how much she loved her Nan, etc. 5 years on, it has all died down. Kill her hate with kindness, never discuss the situation in front of your DGD, when she tells you the other DG hates you just respond with something nice and, in time, your DGD will see for herself how the land lies.

Bbbface why make an unwarranted insinuation? OP is hurt because no matter what she does the other GM is unwilling to meet her halfway for benefit of DGD. She does not deserve your comment

Perhaps you could hold your nose and find something positive to say about the other gran in front of the grandchildren. They might pass it on. If my late m-I-law expressed the slightest criticism of me in front of the children, they'd tell me.
I have a rigid rule, that i only say nice things about their mum and other gran in front of the grandchildren. To be fair, I get on pretty well with my d-I-l and her mum.

Ive always been able to talk rationally with the other person and listened to their point of view. I thought everyone was like this but this person wont listen to anything

No, ethel, not everyone is like that!!
Don't keep trying, but carry on being pleasant on a superficial level and avoid her as much as possible.

It seems in-laws are very rarely people we would choose as friends and that gets us off to a bad start. We have one set who we can't talk to as they don't speak English, we all nod and smile on the very few occasions we meet. Another set are charming, hospitable and live some way away and another that on paper we should get on with like a house on fire and we just don't they are very reserved (shy) we don't seem to have any common interests and conversation is not easy but again only see them very rarely so smiles all round and concentrate on DGC who are never loath to play one lot off against the other, often in a way that amuses us all.

Do you need to spend so much time with her? You say you want to be friends, but why? You can't be friends with everyone and it is an accident of birth and circumstances that you have become connected.
I don't understand why to give her opinion such value or why someone who you only need to see at occasional family get togethers. I would tell your daughter to have the birthday party and make a resolution not to disagree with the other gran. You are not going to change her mind and she is probably not interested in her opinion so let is wash over you. Maybe you do it more than you realise and it grates with her. It sounds difficult but you can't change her, only your approach to her.

Your daughter thinks both of you hate each other.

Why is that?

Classic thread where I suspect there is quite a bit more to the story than the OP is letting on.

They don't need mediation - they are not in a close relationship!! - they just need to put their differences aside for the sake of their DGD and spend as little time as possible in each other's company.

Children's birthday parties are for children no need for your daughter to invite any grandparents and she should make it clear that all grandparents are not welcome during the party hours. Presents can be delivered before or after. This is the child's day.

I am sure you have found that not all people can calmly discuss things, in fact some may find that even more annoying when they are angry or upset about something and it is necessary to acknowledge their position and let them know we are listening before we can move forward.

Keep out of you DD's MIL's way and as others have said don't discuss it with your grand child.

None of us are perfect.

You've done nothing wrong, on the contrary you've been patient, understanding and loving. But you have to understand that you can't cure all the ills in the world. There are some who thrive on dissent, dislike and hate for no good or apparent reason and you can often see it in their faces. Ask someone to mediate, not necessarily you daughter and hopefully that may work. But for your own peace of mind remember "Unto thyself be true"

I have to say that sometimes people bring things on themselves by being too accommodating. At my youngest's wedding I and my other DIL were climbing ladders, blowing up balloons and generally getting the marquee ready for the reception, place names were on tables and it all looked very nice. MIL came in and changed all the names around much to the annoyance of my son who had been up until midnight making a seating board for outside the entrance. MIL disappeared and we did not see her or any of her family until after the wedding. Later we found out by looking at photographs that, while we were getting dirty climbing about pinning up balloons etc and rushing back to get changed in to wedding clothes, they had all been at a champagne breakfast at OMIL's house! We had no idea! Now that is the kind of thing that sets relationships on the wrong path. My son was with us in the marquee. They are now living 15 mins away from MIL's house and 30 mins from SIL' and FIL's house, while we are a 3 hrs drive away so we hardly see our grandchildren unless we make the effort to go to their house. Life is so unfair isn't it but imo sometimes we set ourselves up for a fall by being too considerate.

She sounds very jealous, clearly she's an unhappy person.
My MIL was exactly the same, three times a week churchgoer but NEVER had a good word to say about anything or anyone. I found the only way to behave was to be polite and noncommittal and avoid contact as much as I could. Unfortunately she lived two minutes walk away..........

My son's in laws live abroad but mum visits the UK every few weeks to see her grandchildren. The odd occasions when we have all met up such as at a christening are quite difficult as they brush us aside and don't make conversation at all. I did once ask my son if we had upset them and he looked embarrassed and said they were shy in company so I didn't pursue it. I wonder if they are jealous that we are seen to be around more which isn't actually the case since we live about 50 miles from this son and his family. We get on well with DD's in laws when we see them.

ethel
As you will not want your DGD to miss out on parties or family get-togethers then it will have to be up to you to be the 'better person', ie put a smile on your face, be pleasant to the other gran, if she is unpleasant or starts showing off just say 'Oh, really?' and wander off and chat to someone else.
It sounds as if your DD gets on OK with her which is a good starting point and you both love DGD who should be the main concern of both of you mature ladies, rather than the animosity between you.

Assure your DD you will not let your dislike of the other granny upset any parties etc for DGD (it must upset your DD to see the animosity between you and make her anxious about family get togethers)
Smile, be pleasant and remember that it is not just you that she annoys and upsets: She just goes out of the room if anyone says anything she doesn't like or has hysterics.
Stay calm, don't rise to her bait
Keep sending the Christmas cards then she can't say you didn't even if you don't receive one in return

Remember - It's all about DGD, it's not about the pair of you so be pleasant but non-committal in any dealings with her and put up with her for the short time you have to spend with her.

Rich v poor? Sounds like a mean spirited person to me. Rich, nice home, posh friends, need I go on? Forget about her, let her be spiteful if she wishes but remain calm, friendly, loyal to your daughter and loving to your granddaughter. When she grows up she will see how the other gran treats you and if she is the girl you think she is she will see how unfairly you have been treated. Never, never, criticize her other gran in front of people though, that is like giving someone with a gun a bullet to shoot you with because unkind words have a habit of coming back to roost.

How poisonous jealousy can be - and this is just what it sounds like. The defects are all hers, but of course the ripples spread, and if you have one person in the family boiling in their own bile all the time it will affect everyone in some way. You can only go on being your kind self; perhaps the poisonous one realises she has a great deal but is not happy, whereas you have a loving heart with little in the world's terms. If she does think that then she knows you will always be 'better', 'happier', 'more content' than her, and ultimately as you GC grow up they will love the kind and gentle Nanny in an unconditional way and the spiteful hateful one probably out of duty . You hang on in there - it might sound mushy but I do believe that love and kindness always win in the end .